Posted by
grrrrrr
16 yrs ago
hi, i have been hanging out with this guy for the past month. we have been meeting up almost every day for dinner, or just for movies and dinner. anyone wld have assumed that we are a couple simply because of the way we behaved etc. we are physically close, we like to 'play wrestle', basically just to have fun. it just seemed like we are in a relationship, but the only thing is that we didnt establish that. one night, we had a drunken night of make out (ie sex). Things were still normal and friendly the next few days, though neither of us brought it up. We have alot of activities planned for the national day holidays, weekend getaways. i like him enough to want to take this to the next level - but at the same time i dont want to ruin the friendship.
I know guys dont like to have THAT talk - but somehow i feel that its inevitable given the closeness we have, and shared - even in front of his and my friends.
In your opinion, is it safe and wise to bring this up to find out whats exactly going on? Or should i just dont do anything and just see where this takes us, that if it will take us somewhere. I am not sure if platonic relationship still exist btwn a guy and girl - especially with the way we are behaving. Plus, am sure we like each other enough to want to spend almost every day with.
Appreciate opinions from both guys and girls. Has anyone of you been in such similar situation before? and if yes, how did you handle it?
Thanks all.
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My advice is, if you want to find out if you are dating or just friends to not have contact with him for a few days. But, basically from what you mention it sounds like this guy is getting a lot without giving much back. What happens when you meet his friends? How does he introduce you? If he introduces you as a friend, then he thinks of you as a friend. Otherwise, if a guy likes you and wants something more, he will let you know by bringing it up someway himself.
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Any good relationship is dependent on having a strong foundation...this foundation is built with the blocks of communication. If you cant even talk about having screwed, what chance have you got of actually figuring out which end is up???
*SMH*
Talk about "white elephant in the room"!!! I mean, you guys fool around and have sex and then act as if nothing happened after? I dont know about how memorable it must have been for it to be something not worthy of a mention or even something to be ignored!
This is your opportunity to step up and "grow up". Communicate! What have you got to lose? Your friendship worth as much as your self worth or self respect? How well do you think you know yourself and what you want? Are you only willing to give this a go if you are going to win? Seems kinda like a weak effort then.
You either like the guy or not. Its really that simple. Anything beyond that is just youthful "I dont know what I want and I am not willing to commit to wanting anything out of sheer fear it might be the wrong thing." Take a stand and go for what you want, if it doesnt work out, you know you at least made a stand of some kind. All the faffing about will solve nothing.
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Thanks so much Justin.
i totally hear what you're saying. I think the part i am worried of is to approach this topic and end up losing a friend altogether. Its a gamble i know i have to take to know which side i will end up on. I wld say its the word rejection which i am fearful of. Hence, i am analyzing this situation from all angles, hopefully to cover as many tracks as possible before taking the plunge. Then again, whatever i may have already covered may not necessarily be what is going on his mind. yes communication is the key factor here.
Coming from you, a guy, i think you wld probably applaud and appreciate a girl for making the move - i am going out on a leg and guess thats the way.
one last qns, if i were to talk about it, how should i approach this topic?
i am asking this simply cos a guy will hear a different thing from what the girl is saying. You know, the whole guy's language etc. A girl may say it as it is, but the guy will hear it in a whole complete meaning.
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First of all you should ask yourself what you want. Once you find the answer to that then you should simply calmly talk to/with him. Conversation is the basis for every relationship wether it is love or friendship or anything. Without sharing feelings, emotions, desires and fears by talking...there is nowhere one can go.
Godd luck!
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I just find it odd...I mean, you guys seem to "play wrestle" and shag, but a simple "So, about the other night...y'know, when we had sex...I thought that was an event, eh? What about you? Any thoughts on where you see this going? How you see this playing out? Do you think its something or nothing?" How hard can that be for two adults of consenting age? Basic conversation, right? What are you afraid of? That he will be like "Oh, that! Yeah...nnnnn, I kinda just want us to be friends!" in which case you just say OK and keep on play wrestling...or he says "Oh, man, I am so glad you brought that up! I so dig you and I want more!" in which case you guys go on to give it the old school try.
Either way, the sooner you talk about the white elephant in the room, the sooner you will know where you stand and how you collectively want to deal with it.
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I would've thought if the sex was much cop, you'd be all over each other by now. A guessing it was a disappointing, drunken tumble.
Agree with Justin, talk, talk, talk. If he still acts non-commital then walk, walk, walk.
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hi all.. it was drunken sex.. errr.... there were no finishing, if i may say so... :p i kinda stopped it probably cos i had sobered up then?? heehee..
ok serious now.
just met him and again we had the whole play wrestlingsh*t going on, but i cldnt bring myself to bring it up. somehow, i THINK the mood has to be right? stupid i know - thats why i am a girl. girls just think too much.. grrr.
but yes, i will take it up with him. i just want to come across that sort of 'cool chick' whos not actually 'disturbed' by that night, but just wanted to know. so am just not sure how will i pull it off.
Thanks Justin, for setting some directions on how i should i start this topic.
So Guys and Girls - has this ever happened to you, ie having drunken sex with someone who supposedly is your friend?
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Thanks a million Electrode. Oopz, my apologies Justin - thought u were a guy...
Yeah somewhat i do agree with you Electrode of not having that talk, which was i was soo hesitant albeit confused if i should do it or not.
so coming from a guy's POV, how wld u expect the girl to approach this topic abt sleeping with others and that he should tell me and vice versa? i mean, we've not done anything since that night, and if he were to be sleeping with someone else, it will not affect me in any ways cos i dont see us doing it again - unless its another drunken night! hahaha, oopsie!
So just not talk abt it, and just pretend that it never happened? mmmm, i hope i can keep my mouth shut after having a few drinks. hahaha.
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cc77
16 yrs ago
I must say this kind of relationship is simply weird. Even when a person is drunk, he surely knows whats happening around. Was drunk 3 times before and I would say my mind was still clear. Pretending that nothing happened seems odd.
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No we dont hold hands when walking, but occasionally, i will initiate the 'link arms when walking', but after awhile, i will pull it away. Hands at dinner - yeah sometimes, he will either 'squeeze' my hand or something along those lines, but yeah i would say we have loads of physical contact between us.
Yes, he has invited me to join his dinner/drinks party with him and his friends, along with work colleagues here.
Electrode, since that night, we hadnt kissed. And its not wrestle per-se, its just a playful thing, where he locks me, or me to him, and we just 'wrestle', or sometimes pillow fight too. dont you do that with your girlfriend when either one of you or both of you are feeling extremely cheeky/playful?
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So what should it be, cc77? is he expecting me to initiate the conversation?
sometimes, when we chat either in front of his friends, or just between us, there will be the occasional topics or 'between the lines' sort of comments which has sexual references to. And i am not sure if its because i am guilty, but somehow i feel that he is making reference to that night - in a good way. And when that happens, all i do is just to smile/grin. but we just dont talk about it.
honestly, i cannot go on pretending that that night never existed. grrrr
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yes we both have our own apartments - we have done many movie nights, and all of which are during work week - where its hard for either one of us to stay over. During the weekends, we will be out for brunch, walk around, or sometimes, we will decide impromptu to hop onto the train and visit the next town for a day etc.
i'm asian, hes western. does that matter? sorry cant reveal much for fear of.... but i am not from china or anywhere near china.
yes it does seem like we are a couple sans the hand holding and regular make out session and shagfest. heehee...
geez, and i thought guys are easy to understand. MAYBE they are, its just us girls screwing things up!
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selda
16 yrs ago
what i find strange is the fact that the guy didn't try to have more sex with you, after that drunken romp. Are you sure he is single? No girlfriend/wife back in his country?
After getting so intimate once, most guys who are interested in a girl would try to recreate the conditions to make it happen again...they wouldn't let you slip through their fingers so easily :-)
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cc77
16 yrs ago
" So what should it be, cc77? is he expecting me to initiate the conversation? "
Regardless of nationality, a man will at least says "I like you" or "I love you" if he wants to have a romantic relationhip with a woman. In your case, this man treats you as a friend and not as a girlfriend. It has been commented that some western men treat asian women as playful thing w/c Im not against but then one dunken sex wouldn't be enough if he intends to play with you. Anyway, hes still a man no matter how nice he treats you as a friend you should always be aware of your limitation to him. I couldn't imagine 2 people with opposite sex stay together in an apartment, drink together, wrestle etc., etc. without malice?????
You like him, don't you??
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we started out as friends because we have mutual friends, it just so happens that those friends in our group have either left china or just busy with their business travels, thus ended up with us hanging out most of the times. we can talk about alot of things, like past loves, relationships, life - basically anything and everything. but its just this topic which i find it hard to bring up.
cc77: yes i do like him. i like spending time with him (and he told me that too). And i think during my drunken stupor i told him that too.... i wld like to think that my actions are obvious enough, but then again, as dadda says 'men are quite stupid at times'.. hahahahahaha...
i know theres a grey line btwn us - but just not sure how thin the grey line is... as much as i wld like to know where this will end up, i also do not want to ruin this friendship we have. its a damned if i do, damned if i dont sort of scenerio..
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...having been in a similar situtation (being the guy) sometimes is best to hold on to the "Talk" simply since the (guy) has not yet given a name to the feeling.
And since you guys made out already, he might want more maybe that would be the time to "Talk"
Good luck to you, hope it works out, keep us posted :)
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I had similar experience with my now bf. We were friends for a while, one night it happened..but I never asked him any questions after as even for me just because you had sex does not mean you are automatically signed up for a relationship. we carried on being friends, things naturally took to a higher level. You will feel it when it happens. Enjoy!!
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Hi grrrrrr,
I think your relationship is complicated.
As a guy, maybe he is the type of very shy, don't know how to express his feeling.
And the key point is ,everytime, you play together, dinner,movie, or hold hands, is he active or you active.
If almost everytime, he play the active side,then indicate he loves you as you wish,it's just my personal opinion.
I suggest you can give him more hints,if you sure he loves you. Maybe he is a little stiff about sensation. Give him more hints and opporunity to express his mind,that means give yourslef more chance to build a karma.
Wish you good luck!!!
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well, he briefly brought up that night in his intoxicated stupor but there was no conclusion as the conversation got diverted to something else. Things are the same between us - still goofing around etc. as for me, i have been quite bogged down by other stuff to focus on this at this point, even though we have been meeting up every day. I dont think i will pursue this topic just yet. As some has mentioned, dont have that talk - just let things be and see how they turned out. and in the meantime, just enjoy...! hahaha
Thanks all.
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Hi, girl! We have very similar story, beside of drunk part( Ps don't mistakeunder, I don't mean it bad).
My bf and I don't see each other much( once a month) due to he is in another city. We always have gd time when we are together, we found out that we have a lot of things in common and we care perfect match. I can feel and I can see that he loves me( but he never told me).
I know if I don't make a move first and put him a bit under pressure, he will never open his heart to me( He is very shy guy). So few month ago I choose a right time, right moment star our serious talk. I have told him what is my feeling about him, what I love on him and what I would love to share with him and so on... Finally I make him open his heart...
So what I want to say is
1. What do you want?
2. You have to know- is he ur type of guy? Do you really know him well? Can you trust him (trust is very important for the relationship)?
2. Do you know what he wants from life? ( single, open-relationship or relationship...woman are very sensitive, normal you can sense that)
3. Does he love you?( You also can feel that as well, throught the way he looks at you, the way he smiles at you, the way he talks to you and so on...observed him with all the details when you are together)
If all the answers are "Y", why not make a move first? You have got nothing lose, right?
If you no so sure about the answer, then you should know what to do...
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grrrrrr,
When it comes to talking about taking a relationship further or not, men have the tendency to run. I met my husband when I wanted nothing to do with any relationship. We started hanging out just as friends, even slept over at each other's places, without getting physical for awhile. He was seeing other people and so was I. He told me later that he knew he liked me alot but I was adamant on not putting a label on it. We were having a good time and I did not want to ruin that. The more I dated other men and he other women, the more we realized that we liked being together alot more. It wasn't until 3 months later...we were both cancelling dates to hang out with each other we finally admitted that we would like our relationship to move further along. Just let it happen and don't over analyze, enjoy the flirtation and the "what if" questions! He obviously is quite taken with you since he seems to hang out with you every opportunity he gets.
fwjlibra,
You say trust is very important in a relationship and I agree with you, yet you see your "boyfriend" once a month because he lives in another city. How do you know he is not involved in another relationship or worst even married? I think you may be letting your hopes and dreams for a relationship cloud your judgement and common sense. A relationship isn't about stars and music playing when you see him, it is about letting each other in and your boyfriend is hiding behind a "shy" facade which typically means he is hiding something by not revealing too much. Watch out!!
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Here's my take, for what it's worth:
About the night of drunken sex:
You're thinking "I like him and we had sex, even if we were too drunk for it to be much good, but he's not saying anything; what does that mean?"
He's thinking "Oh god, I couldn't perform! I'm so embarrassed, I just want to forget it ever happened! I hope she doesn't see me as less than a man! She's not saying anything about it; why not? Is she secretly laughing at me? Has she told her girlfriends about this?" (He may not be thinking those last bits, unless he's very young.)
I don't know that's what he's thinking, but I've been in a similar situation and that's more or less what I felt. I liked the girl, but was so embarrassed and had enough (too much) integrity to play the "I was drunk" card.
As for why he hasn't tried to take the relationship to another level (please, not to the "love" level; you've only known him for a month!):
First scenario:
You met as part of a group and slowly started hanging out more with each other as the group disappeared. You both discovered there was real chemistry; you enjoyed being with each other, loved to be in each others company. This surprised him: he was just looking for friends and companions to make his days less lonely.
He's happy, but there's a problem: he has a commitment elsewhere. He's not sure what to do. He'd love to take things further, but can't. He wants to tell you the truth, but he's afraid of losing your friendship because he's let things go on like this for a month - even let his resolve break for one night of sloppy sex - without saying anything.
He didn't tell in the first place because it wasn't necessary to tell "the group" his life story. He didn't tell you later because there was a little tiny devil in him that wanted to see what would happen. And, now that he realises how much he does like and care about you, he's afraid to tell you because you'll think he's a total a** and won't want anything to do with him.
(For those who are wondering, I am talking from personal experience. In my case, however, the commitment was to a girlfriend and the friendship was via email and letters from a woman halfway around the world. It all worked out, though: the girlfriend didn't last and that woman is now my wife.)
Second scenario:
Everything is the same as the first scenario, except he has no other commitment. It's obvious how much he likes you, but it has only been a month. You did have sex and although I'm sure he wasn't too drunk to know what he was doing, he was too drunk to do it well. Now he's embarrassed by that and probably thinks you haven't brought it up because he disappointed you. He's feeling unsure and insecure and probably needs you to tell him how much fun you had, even though you were both too drunk to be really up for it.
Instead of having the talk, you could just ask him "so, ya' wanna go steady?" ;-)
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hualaan - wow, r u a script writer :D ur msg gave me the perspective
anyway - Grrrr enjoy and have a good happy dinner and what may --- dont think to much i think u r already on to that :D life is short
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hey HUALAAN...
thanks for the indepth insight to how a guy thinks... esp the 2 diff scenerios... :)
i am curious as what wld you suggest to do if its the FIRST scenerio... and if the girl he is 'committed' to who happens to not live with him on the same continent...what wld be your take on this?
we have been going out every day of the past week, even this recent weekend, with friends and again, we were still doing the same thing of goofing around and such... it IS indeed a 'brain-screw' sort of situation for me... grrrrr....
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Well, if this is the case then the best you can hope for is to be very good friends. The question is, will you be able to be "just friends" with him if you find out he's committed elsewhere? You could say nothing and just let things continue as they are, but don't allow it to get any more physical unless he tells he wants your relationship to go further. Or, you could ask him outright, but make sure you tell him you still want to be friends regardless of the answer. Also tell him that, if he does have a commitment elsewhere, you won't think he's a jerk for not telling you sooner.
If he does admit to another woman, you'll have to accept that you can only be friends. If he decides that he'd rather be with you than with her, then so be it, but don't push for it. He may have stronger feelings for you than the other woman (if there is one), but that may just be due to geographic proximity.
Of course, that assumes the first scenario, but it's best not to assume too much at this point. One way or another, I think I would just ask him. Not a very serious sit down and "we have to talk" talk, but just ask whether he wants (and is able) to be your boyfriend.
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