Posted by
Karinc
13 yrs ago
He works from home has been financially unstable but will not find a job. I have done my very best to support him. This afternoon I had to come home to get some stuff for work, when I walked in there was porn on the computer and his pants were down, one hand on his willy. On top of that, the flat smelled of weed (we fought many times over that already). I understand watching porn is normal for guys but catching him doing it was really shocking. My mind couldnt stop playing that scene. What made me mostr angry was that I work hard everyday for us to have a better future, now i know he has just been smoking dope and jerking himself off at home...we have been together for 4.5 years, we are very compatible in terms of personality..and I don't think he's ever cheated on me..what should I do
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I can understand you being upset over your partner being unemployed but don't see why you are so upset with seeing him wanking. Men wank and so do a lot of women.
Maybe he isn't sexually satisfied so has to resort to wanking daily? I also got caught wanking but my wife didn't get angry...she jumped me :)
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haha, the pot smoking wanker!
Ok, first...I think the big issue here is that your bf is unemployed. If he wasnt, he would have less time to smoke dope and have a comfortable (assumed uninterrupted) wank during the day.
Men wank, so do women, but I think what you are more pissed off is the fact that in your eyes, catching him for that fleeting chunk of time, he is suddenly this pot smoking wanker 24/7...which let me reassure you, although it sounds like fun being able to do that all day long simply wouldnt be possible, its more likely the dude was doing it for the first time that day and sadly, you walked in on him.
Nothing more sorry looking than catching someone with their pants at the knees, sat in an office chair or an arm chair, porn on the computer or laptop, with the bottle of lotion and box of tissues at arms reach...but even worse if that wanker could be spending his time searching for a job instead of porn.
So the wanking thing, really, is just the icing on the mudpie, as mike above said, his wife walked in on him and she jumped him. The reason your reaction was different was because:
(a) after 4.5 years together with this personality compatible mate, you are fed up of him being jobless...or your sexlife sucks...partly because of his joblessness but also partly because you no longer fancy him.That issue is up to you to figure out.
(b) this pot smoking and "the house smelling like weed" issue, this is obviously an issue, yes? Well, if it is and he isnt supposed to be smoking weed in the house and needs to be getting his fix over at friends houses or something...well, this too is a problem. He shouldnt be smoking weed in the house if he has agreed with you he wouldnt. Plus, hate to say this, but weed smoking can make one even less enthusiastic about scouring the job sites, sheer laziness tends to seep into the bones. Most stoners I know are not the ones to get stoned until after a long days work, ie, not the wake-n-bake variety.
So the wanking is not the issue...the joblessness and the stoner issue is. And now because you already think your bf is a worthless POS, the fact you caught him wanking and watching porn, makes him look like a cheap pervert instead of a manly man with a healthy sex drive.
So how is your sex life? You two. And what are the house rules on the weed smoking? So I can see if I hit the nail on the head.
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Many (most?) guys, even those in steady relationships with regular sex, masturbate more or less regularly. It is not in any way an indictment of you or your "availability". It's just what guys do. Same with the porn. No big deal unless it gets out of hand (heh). So I wouldn't worry about that stuff per se.
Having said that, while the occasional wank is no biggie, if he's surfing porn all day instead of looking for a job or cleaning the house and doing chores, that is a problem.
The weed, the unemployment, the fights. Those you should worry about. If he's constantly high and makes no effort to find a job, perhaps it is time to call it quits.
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I agree that it was his jobless situation and weed smoking that worry me most, wanking to porn only added more fuel to it. We exchanged a few emails today. As usual, he said he would grow up and not do any of those things again. He's said it so many times that I didn't feel anything when I read them..in response to Justins question, our sex life has been good, less regular recently because I worked till late or had evening classes. Regarding weed, I made it very clear from the beginning that I would not accept that. Yet I still caught him over a dozen times, each time we almost broke up. Does he really care about me? I'm so disappointed with him, and myself, for not being brave enough to just walk away.
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he promised to you that he would stop watching porn??? i can guarantee you that he will fail on that one. 100% guaranteed.
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kyber
13 yrs ago
Can I swap jobs with him!
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All men do it. If they don't it will come out of its own accord in some nasty mess during a wet dream. Just because he has ...ahem one off the wrist, doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Probably nothing on the telly and he felt a bit of pressure building up. Also don't try to equate female sexual thinking with those of a man. The weed and lack of job are the problem.
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Ah ok. So it sounds like your sexlife isnt the problem.
So the weed smoking was a definite no-no and you have caught him doing it over a dozen times, not to mention while he is knee deep in joblessness and porn!
tsk tsk.
Loyd is right, all guys wank and they do it often enough to where its something that doesnt even deserve a second thought. Some guys will get nighttime sex and can still be busted having an in-bed wank at 3am!
OK, now the joblessness issue where he assures you "I'll grow up" over and over again until you don't even hear it, is that the same as the "I promise to never smoke weed in the house" promise?
I think another poster said it right, maybe its time to face the facts, eh? I know a lot of folks dont want to be that person to "kick someone when they're down" but maybe your bf isnt even making the effort to get himself out of the situation of joblessness in the first place.
What do you think? How long has he been jobless?
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He isn't exactly jobless. Hes started his own business but it isn't going well, but isn't willing to go back to the job market. Honestly i don't see him quitting weed. He relapsed every time there was pressure. Some people drink, some do sports, some gamble, some pull their hair, he just happens to take weed. Should I accept that? No, because i made it very clear on day one.
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You're making excuses for him. From all I've heard, it is time to call it quits.
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Yep, sorry but I have to agree with axptguy, you sound like you are making excuses for him.
I mean, true story, my partner is a strict non-smoker and so when I figured, hey I really like this person and I want to be like white on rice here...I quit smoking. It really was that easy a decision. It wasnt easy to quit, but sometimes someone truly is worth it...and the benefit is that I no longer cough like an old dog when I wake every morning and my clothes and breath dont smell rank!
SO...if my partner were to one day come home early to find me smoking to my hearts content and the house stinking of cigarettes, would that be cool? Nope. Apparently the smoking is a big "deal breaker" in our house. Its about respect for my lifemate and also respect for my own health.
Your bf seems to have missed that memo.
Im thinking its DTMFA time.
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If he have a business that are not doing well, is he going to just sit there and watch porn.... I'm sure he is not trying to rescue himself.
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I'll be willing to help by offering to take the pot off your hands and any other future weed you find.
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kiwi
I think if a guy is working hard to support a woman, who is just smoking pot and w***ing away all day, it is not normal nor acceptable! Don;t turn this into a gender equality issue.
My wife stays at home to look after the kids whilst I work... but we both contribute in our own way to make the family work... it's only when one one party feels that they are contributing more than the other that things turn bad and the relationship sours. It's not about who holds down the full-time job.
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Obviously the problem is not literally the all-day w@@king, but a general decline in motivation to get himself out of his rut... at some point, the other half is going to lose respect for him and find him unappealing...
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Time to see the big picture - this guy is a loser.
Consider the facts - he hangs around at home all day smoking pot & jerking off while his woman goes out to earn a living. The only success he ever had was to find this girl, and he’s about to louse that up too. He is a loser.
Apologies to all Aussies & Kiwis - in this part of the world traditional gender roles still apply - for better and worse. Don't assume your standards are universal.
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I am still having a private chuckle about the mental image of a hardworking husband slaving away and a weed smoking wife who spends all day looking at porn and wanking!
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@Karinc - please give us an update - have you dumped him ? Did he promise to stop smoking pot ?
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Hi guys, thanks for your sharing your thoughts, they really helped me anaylze the situation much better. I didn't talk to my bf for 3 days, both of us suffered. I told him I couldn't stand his BS any longer and wanted to call it quits. He said he would change and work hard. He gave me a list of short term goals, I gave him one last chance and some sort of deadline. We are moving to a new flat place soon. hopefully it will be a fresh start for both of us.
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Ah....obviously you didnt get the memo on how moving house isnt gonna fix something thats broke, you are just gonna be stuck with yet another commitment together that could end up turning out the same...
BUT, here's hoping your bf saying "I will change" is one of those, one in a million promises that get kept and not the other 999,999 promises that end up being relegated back to whence they came from after 1 month of things looking up.
For your sake, I hope it all works out...otherwise, lets hope your new rent is not higher and one of you can handle it alone if the need should arise.
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Sometimes financial support is not all thats needed. Have you tried to actively help him look for a job and encourage him in doing this? Financial support wont help someone who is jobless, lost his self esteem, and probably depressed. Infact he probably needs more help than you can offer.
The weed smoking issue, and that you knew about this from day 1? Well you can only blame yourself for being in this situation. Why did you even begin the relationship if you knew about the weed smoking and that this would be the "deal breaker" for you?
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