my relationship might sound a little adventurous. I met this guy on internet 2 months ago. I am asian. He is white. He is coming to Beijing for work in August/September and will stay here for 3/4 years. If it were not because he would come to China and stay here for quite a long time, I wouldn't keep in contact with him because I am not interested in long distance relationship. For the first 2 months, things went a little crazy. We waited for each other online and talked as long as we could regardless of the time difference. We started to like each other a lot. Then there is this realistic question. There would be still a couple of months ahead before we actually meet in person. How do we want to keep our relationship, especially interms of sexual activity. He said that he would hold till he sees me, which means, he won't have sex with any woman during this time. I did not ask him to do so, but when he asked me whether his sleeping with other women would affect our relationship and give it a bad start, I said probably. I might not care but I am not so sure although I do understand about human's basic needs. On my side, I am willing to wait him get here and find out whether we will work out. If not I will move on. Until then I dont want to pursue romance with any other man. But what confuses me recently is that...as time goes by, he starts to complain or in his words "express" how hard it is for him to hold his desire while all his friends are having sex. He feels very lonely and horny especially with so much temptation around. He keeps asking me how I handle it. I said I try not to think about it. He seems hard to believe how come I dont feel aroused as often as he does. I feel as if he were questioning my sexual drive back in his mind. Recently we dont talk as much as before but still keep in touch. But every time we see each other online, he will express how lonely he is, has to sleep alone with no woman besides him. I am getting quite annoyed by this. I did not force him to stay abstained for me. It was his choice and promise. If he wanted to sleep with some woman other than me, he could just go ahead. I dont have a claim on him, I told him that. Yes he might lose me but that is a risk he has to consider. We both knew at the very beginning that this relationship would be hard emotionally and physically for a few months but we both still went for it. Nobody forces him to make the choice, then just accept and bear with the suffering and meanwhile wait for something wonderful to happen in the end. What sense does it make by keep telling me how much he wants to have sex with other women? This is totally nuts. But he thinks the he is just sharing with me his thoughts. I dont get it. Can anybody give me some hints? what is he really trying to say?
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smoky
18 yrs ago
He is just trying to play you, my advise is to avoid him at all costs....
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Sounds like he's asking you to say it's ok for him to have sex with whomever. It doesn't matter whether or not you asked him to abstain in the first place. He wants "permission" so you can't throw it back in his face later.
Of course it could also mean he's already slept with someone and he doesn't want to feel guilty.
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if he can not do it, why say so in the first place?
if he doesnt want to be serious with our relationship, why he cares whether he feels guilty or not? especially I am still so far away.
I dont know what on earth he real feels about me.
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smoky
18 yrs ago
As I said, he is playing you, avoid him. You don't know eachother AT ALL. You only know eachother from an internet chatroom (I guess??). I don;t think needs to be any indepth analysis here, just forget about him. It is complete BS to think that he would abstain from sex just to wait for you. Think about it. Even you know it is ridiculous.
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He doesn't sound like he has integrity to me; as the posts have already said, he wants to sleep with other women and for you to OK it. As you keep saying, it's his choice and he has to make it. He wants it both ways - which is not a good sign. If he really had integrity, he wouldn't put the pressure on you, but deal with it himself (he does have another option than sleeping with someone). I think you should let him go; if he's like this over the internet, what's he going to be like in person?
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I think he made that "promise" to impress you, to show you that he's "serious" about this "relationship". It's not much of a relationship if you ask me. I know love happens online but you need to actually spend time together before it could lead to anything. I think you jumped into it too quickly by chatting online for only two months. For him, it's probably a very good head start in a strange country. A "girlfriend" waiting for him, no need to go girl hunting and all that. That's why he's trying hard to impress you but at the same time does't want to miss out on the fun before he leaves.
Just don't take things too seriously now like you're already in a relationship. You may not even like him in person. Stay cool and play it casual.
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I know very well that we dont really have a relationship before we are physically around each other for a while. That is why I am holding back and giving it second thoughts when I have questions in my mind. Should I talk with him straightforward about this? I dont want to waste my time on somebody who is a game-player.
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I think you should tell him until he gets here, he holds no obligations to staying faithful because you two are not in a relationship YET. Whatever he decides to do is his own choice and whatever result it may cause is yet to be found. If you keep telling him by sleeping with someone else he may "lose" you, and you will hold off sex till he comes, you're putting him and yourself in a relationship perspective That's a whole different ball game.
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bbg21
18 yrs ago
by any chance he's asking for ' Cyber Sex' with you ?
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I never raised the "lose me" topic myself. It was always him to start this question and what I could only answer is "probably, I dont know". It was him who started talking about our relationship, as bf and gf. He even said that he loves me but I said that wait till we see each other in person to be sure. What annoys me is not about whether he has slept with other women or not before we meet but that he keeps telling me how much he wants sex NOW meanwhile trying to convince me how important I am to him. It is raising a red flag in my mind and I dont want to wait for another two months to find out that I am dealing with a player. I wonder whether I should talk with him now and get it straighted out that I dont play games.
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no we never have cyber sex. Just exchanged some regular pictures and see through webcam once in a while properly dressed. No sex acts between us.
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Then he's either really stupid or really into mind games. Either way, he's not worth your time.
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And again I want to clarify the abstain topic. I did not ask him to hold sex for me. After we talked for a while, he asked me how I would like us to handle our sexual life. I said I dont know up to him. I dont have a claim on him until we become bf and gf. He said that he wont feel right talking with me meanwhile sleep with others. He said that he is willing to hold it for me. I said wont it be a lot of torture on you? He said yes but it is losing something to gain something more wonderful. What else can I say? It was all his choice. Now he comes back to nag me that he is so horny and lonely. What should I feel? I dont like other people to play with my mind.
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he is a graduate from Stanford. So I guess it is better chance that he is playing games, a good one.
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no he doesnt. But i know where his office would be. He works for a famous consulting company.
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smoky
18 yrs ago
What do you want us to say?? Forget about him, period. He is just another loser who wants to take advantage of you, whether thru internet or in person if/when you meet.
This is the third and last time I will tell you, avoid him. It is obvious that he only wants to have sex with you, given the chance. No need for any indepth analyses. I mean, after you "talked for a while, he asked me how I would like us to handle our sexual life" WTF is that about??? Open your extremely naive eyes.....
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thanks li. thats why i am confused coz i can deal with a childish man but not a playboy. Well I know how to protect myself. thanks everybody.
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yes we use MSN to communicate. To be honest I am a little hurt. Although internet is a vague world, the feeling you build up toward someone there is real. From all the posts here almost everybody is sure that he is a player. I dont understand why some people do this. There are flocks of women who would want to throw themselves towards him once he gets here. He invested a lot of time talking with me too...why bother with that? And he has kept assuring me that he respects me and will be a good man and asks me to bear with his sensuality.
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I have met and made some good friends over the internet but, let's be serious...you can't take anyone for face value until you really meet them...and even when you meet them...they may not turn out to be what you thought.
The internet can be a scary place "little kiddies" hahah!
He seems too weird...
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THE PAST: he's constantly told you that he's desperate for sex, but he's waiting to meet you...
THE FUTURE IF YOU STAY IN CONTACT WITH HIM: he will arrive in Beijing, meet up with you, and after a short while, explain that he's been waiting for you and that he's desperate for sex... so then what are you going to do... either give him sex or tell him to wait some more...??
THE FUTURE IF YOU DON'T STAY IN CONTACT WITH HIM: go find yourself a real-life boyfriend who you can actually 'date', move on from there, and leave this manipulator alone...
... that's my advice...
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I guess I just want to see with my own eyes what kind of person he is behind his words. I trusted him and trusted kindness in human nature. Blocking him on MSN takes seconds, however, getting rid of him from my mind will take a little longer... but, I wont go for hurt when I know there is danger. I just need a little time. My feelings for him is not love, but it is still feelings.
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he wants a free ride, sorry to be blunt but that is how it looks like now. ask yourself, is his behaviour decent? i think you know the answer but refuse to face it...imho, better face it now or more heartbreak later...where did he graduated again? Stanford??? everyone graduates from Stanford or Oxford or wherever they want online...
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I am facing it that is why the thought of having been stupid is eating me.
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u are not stupid, just not lucky and inexperience...it is not your fault at all, take it easy...
u have to understand, by talking to you online is not an investment of a relationship to him, it is "probably" an investment for a free ride when he comes to China...i maybe wrong and i wish i am, unfortunately, i think i am right... :(
stop letting the stupidity eating you alive now...do u know when the real stupidity will eat you alive? that is when you met up with him, really likes him and sleeps with him...BANG! he turns out to be a jerk ( which you somehow knew all along)...that is when stupidity eats you alive...always trust your instinct.
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I thought I was smart enough to distinguish fake from real. 2 and 1/2 months! yes my instinct does tell me something not right. I will let him go.
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so sorry about your case...go have a drink with your buddy... every failed "relationship" will make you smarter the next round...
:)
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It has been a year that I again feel interested in and attracted to a person, even behind the screens. Have quite a few men wooing me in real life but I just dont feel the chemistry. I slowly let my guard off and hoped that something new would be happening to my life. Oh well, end up like this. Do need a drink. Very mixed feelings right now.
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hey raincatcher...no wonder u look familiar...we were classmates... :P
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lulu
18 yrs ago
confused girl> you are really confused. How old are you? Are you new to the net? Still fascinating about that? well keep going, hit the nail a few times and you will learn.
There are thousands/ million of guys in internet or real life try to get a quick laid. I am not being cyincal but that is true.
his tricks is old too, so ask him to create some new phrases to ask for you to have sex with him. Dont be surprise , there are load of men still play old tricks and a lot of girls like you still go into the trap...
Guys like to try 100 girls, they might able to hit 50. Naive girls will fall for 50 guys, might sleep with 50 men, then they still hope 1 of 50 men might be truth for them and then become their boyfriends.
Wake up and smell the coffee, everyone can BS on the net, and i would advise you not to meet the guy, only you prepare to have a quick one with him. If you cannot handle it, please stop dreaming he is that "fascinating" about meeting you. You are just one on his list.
Next.
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not all men on internet are like this. I am just unlucky that is it.
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true...not all men are like this...some are sincere...
don't think of yourself as unlucky...things happen to us for a reason and sometimes we don't know why...
"what doesn't kill us...makes us stronger"
also remember...never regret...
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Navv
18 yrs ago
Like they say you gotta put your behind into the past :) or rather put the past behind you. Life is to live on so keep moving fwd till the show is on. All the best and God bless.
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Cecca
18 yrs ago
he's stupid.he could have sex without telling you anything.
what's the point?
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he sounds like a stupid, whiny, jerk. If he likes you, should he even think of 'needing' or wanting to sleep with anyone else?
Internet creates a lot of fancy illusions. When I was in high school, I had my first dose of internet romance with a guy abroad. After a few weeks/months of chatting he steadily declared his undying, steadfast love for me. It fizzled out after a few weeks because I was quite innocent then and refused to have 'cyber' sex with him.
Gosh I was lucky.
But i felt we had a connection. It is amazing how communicating online hides a lot of facts, flaws and traits which you would rather do without. I have met a guy who ha a fantastic online blog, very sensitive,witty commentaries. In real life he was an egoistic, thick-skinned and desperate.
I am still surprised till today.
You will find someone else.Don't hold out for someone who is not worth it.
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lulu
18 yrs ago
nah confused girl, you are not unlucky. There are good and bad people, everywhere. In your life, you just need to go through and meet some them, that is what life is about.
by the way, the guy sounds a real jerk, but i can understand the trick he is using, keep saying how much he want sex and whether he should look for some other one, just was to raise the jealousy and curiosity of girls, make the girl feel she is "wanted".
get move on, dun waste your time, there are lot of other things better in life.
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I am not jealous, just confused. I have too many question marks in my head, yet I do have a desire to find out the true face of his when/if I see him. I want to see with my own eyes how much of a jerk he could be. But I guess the probability is high that I wont know that if I dont get myself hurt. I need a little time to clear my mind. Thanks all. I am not a weak young girl, confused yes, but I can handle it.
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I think, deep down in your heart, confused-girl, you hope this guy isn't what eveyone here thinks he is, but everything he appears to be online. Or you simply can't get over the fact that you fell for such a guy. That's why you still want to meet this guy and find out for real. That's your choice. Just meet him, but meet him as an internet friend. Don't go with expections as they often lead to disappointments.
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I think everyone is being quite harsh on this guy. He is trying it on and confused-girl is lapping it up. IMO, you have set yourself up for the fall: who in their right mind gets so emotionally attached to someone they haven't met yet? Why all the drama? Why all is false hope? Why couldn't you have just said, "let's meet up in Beijing when you get here for a coffee." No strings and no feelings get hurt.
Like some posts pointed out, you could meet and not even like each other... he could be a crusty 50-year-old for all you know. How about you step out of cyber space and meet some real people and form real friendships.
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Yes I let it go a little too fast and I am reining it in now. I do have real friendship in real life. It is not like that I only live in cyber space. Having met him online is not something planned, but unexpected. And chemistry is something difficult to explain. As an outsider everybody can analyze it with no emotion. I could too if I am not involved myself. Anyway, I know what to do.
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Good luck with everything and don't sell yourself short :)
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ok guys...thought to give you an update...after I asked the guy a few questions and told him he confused me...he disappeared!! ah ya ya...now it says everything. I am done with internet fantasy now.
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No problem Li, it doesnt bother me. I am glad that I found out earlier.
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I think its waste time to have internet fantasy. The chance that you will like to talk to each other is 10%, the chance that you will meet a good man/women is 5%, the chance that you will like each other after you two meet is 2.5%, the chance that you two wanna try a relatioship is 1%, the chance that you love each other is nearly 0.1%.
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