This might not be the most sound advice, but it may get him thinking about the way he is making you feel.
It takes two to tango - do it back to him.......
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hkham
18 yrs ago
it is strange that he would let you observe his intimacy with other gal when you both are together. As a man, I'd intent to believe that he is testing your bottom, see how tolerate you could.
I don't want to make you down, but sounds he is a party guy will go nuts far from your imagination when he is alone. Just my own comments, and you should feel and judge by yourself. Good luck!
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Sunshine
my wife used to act in a similar fashion and I used to think that I was too sensitive and too easily jealous. It is easy to think that some people simply crave more validation and that it really is quite innocent. One day she took it one step further and went to bed with a guy. We are no longer married. I don't know your husband and I am not saying that he would ever take it to to the next level but I think it is important that he should understand how it makes you feel. I don't think you should accept this kind of behavior.
Talk to him about this when you are feeling calm, not when you are in the middle of a situation that cause jealousy. I have a feeling he has no bad intent and that he really doesn't quite understand that it may make you feel a bit uncomfortable. If you make a scene about it and get upset, there is a chance he will start lying to you rather than flirting in front of you and that really is not any better, so be careful how you approach the matter.
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Look, it could be a bit of both - but think of it this way - you would not have had a reason to get jealous if he had not broken your trust. If you are going to have a relationship with someone for the rest of your life, then you both need to make compromises (not huge ones), but just ones in which you are able to understand each other and gain appreciation for the other person's wishes. Perhaps you could set a new ground rule - if he wants to flirt, then fine, but as long as he doesn't do it in front of you because he's making you feel like sh*t. You should probably tell him that he is making you feel this way, but if you do set this new ground rule, make it clear to him that it doesn't mean it's ok for him to have sex with others when you're not around - it's just flirting.
If he refutes this, then remind him that it really is a matter of respect, and ask him how he would feel if you did the same to him. He may very well come back to you and say that you are your own person, so you are free to do what you want - this is a form of manipulation - he is trying to make you think that you are taking away his freedom by not letting him flirt in front of you. This is totally not the case.
Honestly, men will be men, and as a fact, humans are animals too and we are not designed to be monogomous - monogomy is a tradition that has been practiced and developed over the years, so there is understanding for all of us there, both men and women; however, humans are also smart enough to make choices, and he has made the choice to marry you. If he didn't think he could handle a marriage, he shouldn't have done it.
Be firm with him. He is after all, just a man!!!
Good luck!!!
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cujo
18 yrs ago
Your husband's behavior is absolutely unacceptable for a number of reasons. First and foremost, it shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings. If it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, he shouldn't be doing it. End of story. Second, if he's hitting on girls when you're around (and I agree with Pumpkin - that's what to call what he's doing), then you can be 99.99% sure that he's doing it when you're not around. I suspect that he gets an extra thrill from doing it in front of you (perhaps because he thinks it shows other women that he's so desirable that you will put up with it), but it's highly unlikely that he does this only when you are around. Third, even if he has no conscious intention to go beyond flirting, if he keeps up this behavior he inevitably will end up in the sack with someone else.
This is not a trivial matter. You are wise to follow ChrisHB's advice - talk to your husband when you are calm, but tell him very bluntly that his behavior is hurting you, is improper, and that you will not accept it. Be strong. Otherwise I fear that you will be looking at a lot of heartache in the coming years. You do not need to put up with that kind of b.s. from anyone.
Good luck.
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Absolutely agree with Cruz, Cujo and Pumpkin. My husband use to do the same, and no matter how many times I told him that I found his behaviour offensive, he brushed it off saying that I was being too possesive and controling. But of course he went the extra step of finally sleeping with someone else, and like ChrisHB I had to give him the boot. If you let this go on, it's only going to chip away at your self esteem and self worth. You should not let him disrespect you like that. And if he can't understand it, you should tell him that right or wrong, that's how his behaviour makes you feel and if anything, that should be reason enough for him to stop it.
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Sunshine
I'm afraid I can't give you very good advise as to how to approach this or what to say. If I were better at that I might still be married. The only thing I can say is that I agree with Cruz, Cujo, Pumpkin and Gilmore; you have to make it very clear that his behavior is unacceptable.
Maybe he is testing you and you need to show him where you draw the line. I hope so, because if this really is his personality you may be in for a bit of a rough time. Don't want to be the voice of pessimism here, but some people are simply not very suited for serious commitment and they seem to lack the basic understading that over-asserting ones own freedom sometimes causes serious loss of freedom for others.
I wish you all the best and really hope you are more fortunate and that you will be met with more understading from your spouse than Gilmore and myself.
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Do have a serious chat. Coz I can't imagine flirting with any girl not in front of my girlfriend and not behind her back. If you truly love someone for who they are I can't seem to find the need to do that, of course there is a difference between flirting and merely talking. I did have a girlfriend once who would go nuts as soon as I just spoke to some girl she thought was prettier then her, needless to say that kind of relation never survived...but in general I get into a relationship exactly not having to chat up girls, but to feel comfortable with one.
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Cecca
18 yrs ago
Nah..if it's something you cannot stand or you don't feel comfortable with,you've got to talk to him about it,which doesn't mean it's you who have to be more open to accept his ideas..it won't help..
BTW,even someone from an extremely open country,he doesn't just go up flirting with someone after he's married.it sounds like your husband is kinda into "that" kind of thing..lol just saying.
but really,i mean how open you can be to chime in with him?it's no use..
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Cecca
18 yrs ago
If you put up yourself with something that is neither decent nor something you can accept,i only see it as a weakness other than tolerance.
Why the hell you want to accept something like that?because you love him?because you don't think you're open enough?or maybe you should invest some time in figuring out what the hell is wrong with him..
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Cecca
18 yrs ago
Sorry to say..but i'd be tired of a relationship like this,and i surely can't make myself stand something like that.
Apparently,he never wants to talk about it and it's something deeply rooted.Can't really give any suggestive advice regarding this problem.Coz' all i'm gonna say is d****** him..
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cujo
18 yrs ago
It is one thing for a married man to talk to women that he happens to meet, it is quite another to tell them that they are "lovely," "so hot," or "have a beautiful smile." He sneaks away from you to talk to a woman he saw in a bar? That's just being friendly? Does he say similar things to the men that he strikes up conversations with? ("Say, you have a great smile, Tom!")
I know you said that you guys are young, but your husband sounds extremely immature to me. It also sounds like he is manipulative and full of b.s.
Clearly you are not stupid - anyone who reads your posts can see that - and you don't strike me as being particularly insecure, at least no more so than anyone would be under the circumstances. I agree with those who have suggested that your marriage has some pretty serious problems. I would strongly urge you guys to get counseling.
Perhaps you could show your husband this thread? I would be curious to see if he is suprised by the total lack of support for his actions.
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I agree with the last 2, and I'm also concerned by his attitude that others have had to "change for him". That rather makes it sound like you're not the first woman who has complained about his behaviour. It's certainly not a cultural issue, but a respect issue, and you don't sound like you're getting a lot of that at the moment.
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I m not sure if there is absolutely no cultural basis for this kind of difficulty in Chinese-Western relations. A little story on what happened to me and my previous Chinese girlfriend: We went to the local barber and the woman who was cutting my hair asked if we were getting married. True, I wasn't having the best of days (if that is an excuse) and it was about the 10000th time I got asked that question, so the only thing I did was kind of vaguely nod my head, neither confirming nor denying, just playing dumb. What happens next the woman gives a kind of "told you so look" to my gf. Once outside my gf gets a crisis for not being loving and supporting and having her lose face in front of the barber woman... a woman to whom we have no other connection then by accident, who has actually no influence on our lives and that we actually never spoke to before. I couldn't figure it out at that time and found the whole thing pushed over the top, later on I just had to recognize that different cultures just have different sorts of sensitivities that should not be overlooked from your own "western" perspective. Does this mean afterwards this kind of situation never occured again? Not really, it did however create a whole lot more stress...
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To be honest, he's European and he knows full well he could not behave with a European wife in this way. A European wife would warn him once and if he did it again kick him out.You have to face reality this man cannot be trusted, it is only a matter of time before his pretend innocent flirting gets him the result he is looking for, a quick phone number and a later meeting, thats if he is not already doing these things. You know the truth, you made a mistake marrying this deceptive man, you know he cannot be trusted and in your heart you know the day will come when you will have the evidence to get rid of him and find yourself an honest partner.
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I am pretty sure you are paddling on a different lake here chris79. What you are talking about has nothing to do with the matter at hand.
As I see this we are not talking about an issue that has anything to do with chinese-western cultural conflict. This is simply a matter of respect and decency that for this purpose I think we can safely assume is pretty universal within the human species (being an athropologist I know I am taking some risk claiming universal traits in human relations but there are some things you can not relativize).
I am not saying that there may not be culturally founded difficulties in the relationship between sunshine and her husband, but these are not the issues we are discussing here. I don't think anyone would appreciate being confronted with a spouse who openly hits on or flirts heavily with other people regardless of cultural background.
Sunshine's husband really seems to be using the "cultural difference" card as a ticket to do whatever he feels like. This is how we do it in my country, accept it!
I say he is full of b.s. and that his behavior is unacceptable.
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Cujo and Richard are both spot on.
saying " this is me, i am who i am, i am not chinese, i am not english, i am the one with my own hot blood that no one could ever change me but they change for me. And i change for you becos i love you. But if you cannot bear the fact that I love flirting to girls, then this realy make me sick because you do not trust me"
what a load of ROT!
tries to make you believe you ar the intolerant one because you have a Chinese background, so therefore you would not understand.
A Euro-woman would boot him out and chang the locks - it aint an acceptable manner in which to behave, especially in front of your wife and expect her to accept it.
He tries to make you feel you are the one with the problem - MANIPULATION!
Not sure if he is insure or not, bur certainly selfish and no nself control!
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dear Chrishb,
What I wanted to say is that there are cultural differences you have to be aware of and not confuse them with a person's characteristics. Of course this case is not similar, but as sunshinegirl also shows and what my experiences are with asian women/girls is that they do command a lot more attention then western women in a way. Not that I agree with this guy, but you have to face it, we only hear her story, not his. If you would have heard my ex-gf s story on this issue and you would compare it to mine, you would hear something different as well. Remember this is not only Chinese-Western it is also still and will always be Male-Female so any differences that exist between the sexes might also be enlarged by coming from 2 very very different cultures. Another thing is your ability and willingness to learn from your mistakes and to show you have learnt. Me and my ex broke up because she was unable to meet half way, while I had to go the whole way, I believe that in part it is just a matter of respect that when you live in someone else's country you do your best to understand and learn about the language and culture, but in a relationship you have to add your partner, that partner also has to be at least willing to respect or learn a little about where you come from and when that doesn't happen you are in for trouble, coz you will always be giving in and admitting to mistakes while that is not necessary if the other would also be a little more flexible. That is all.
This guy doesn't seem to be very flexible and indeed a bad choice for marriage if he keeps on continuing his habit...coz trust is very hard to get back once you lost it
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Sunshinegirl - this whole thing has nothing to do with nationality or being open mind or not; your husband is simply immature and taking advantage of you; if I were you I would just get rid of him ASAP!
I have friends from different parts of the world and I do not think Asian ladies are more attention seeking and I don't think western ladies are more tough; and many of my western male friends are very caring and loving and considerate while some of my Asian male friends are party animals. It all depends on the person, nothing to do with gender or nationality.
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Sunshinegirl, no woman in their right mind would put up with the behaviour you're describing. Your husband sounds very manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty and insecure for what he's doing. He sounds like he has some serious issues with low self esteem if he feels he needs constant validation from strangers. My husband use to do the same where he wanted me to know that there were plenty of women out there that wanted him. Of course I never took his behaviour too seriously as I really couldn't care less who else wanted him. What I did care about was him disrespecting me as his wife when he flirted in front of me. But of course when he went the extra mile to prove that there were other women who were more than happy to sleep with him, then I had to draw the line and say enough. Make sure you don't fall for your husband's BS. I've heard all of it, and it seems to be same the party line these guys use. You are newly weds. Try and stop this behaviour before it goes to far. And don't let it doubt who you are and your worth. You shouldn't have to compromise how you feel because of his insensitive behaviour.
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rititt, you are something... may i ask if you are male or female?
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and Rititt, are you a westerner?
If so, then are you also a typcial one?
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I've disagreed with Rititt on a lot of things, but this one I agree with. Takes balls to squeeze balls, and I like women with balls... :p
I like to flirt too, though I'm no Casanova and have never had much success in the meat market. But if I'm flirting and my lady came over and asserted herself, I'd be rightly impressed!
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He is continuously disrespecting you, but the sad part is you allow him to do so.
Seek professional help. His casual flirting is an addiction and I suspect, has deeper roots that no amount of serious talks or nut-crushing can solve.
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sunshinegirl, this is your story! ..my sixth sense told me...I caught him...can not believe you even think like this after marriage...wake up !
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I agreed with onefreespirit. In fact, i think it is your husband who lack of self-esteem and self-respect. He is trying to manipulate you to become weak and let you think that all is your fault. He will let you feel that whatever the marriage end up, it is because your action or your so called " jealousy" which defined by him, ruin the marriage. So, think calmly about your situation before you act.
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One day when you find out he is cheating/has cheated on you many times, he will give the excuse that "you drove me to it because of your constant jealousy, and I am giving you what you always wanted to believe"
His behaviour is unacceptablea and sounds like he is ful of b*sh*t.
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Figure out if you can accept this behaviour!
I personally would not accept this behaviour from a girlfriend or wife. If i just wanted to have some fun then it wouldn't bother me.
This person (your husband) is DEFINETLY 100% interested in sleeping with other women on the side. If he hasn't already done so MANY times already he will definitely do so in the future.
I am so sorry to be so blunt but it is better to know the truth and figure out what to do about it, than have people fool you that everything is ok or give you stupid advice such as DO IT TO HIM.
I honestly think that you are smart and know the answer in your own heart.
As a European man, i can tell you for a fact that introducing a woman as my wonderful wife or girlfriend makes no difference to a woman who wants to get hold of the guy. If anything it increases her interest.
Chastising him for his behaviour will not change him it will only make it worse. Either he admits he has a problem and gets help OR you make a decision to find someone else and divorce him.
GOOD LUCK
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You should do the same thing as he did to you in the bar..Wait and see his reaction. If he get jealous..Tell him please do not do it next time. If he do it again..Tell him to go hexx.
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