Posted by
calender
19 yrs ago
HI Everyone,
Its a christmas time!!! I am 25yrs and my bf is 33.Leaving together for 3yrs now. He is not a romantic person and he has less sense of humor.Even in christmas i fell so lonely.We will be going out on 25th but it was my plan and its always been like this i am the one who has to arrangee suprise party, excitment and outgoings in each hollidays. As his dad passed away when he was young, he is such a family man he take cares his whole family and i fell left out? what should i do
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You have four choices:
1) Change your behaviour-- stop providing these services for him/the two of you
2) Drop him
3) Continue the behaviour and continue to be unhappy about it
4) Continue the behaviour and STOP being unhappy about it; it is a service of love [see various threads here and on Women's about the actions of love]
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Did you tell him how you feel?
Many people are not a romatic and don't have sense of humor and that is not a big deal unless those features are important to you and are what you look for in a man.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Calender:
Tell your bf how you feel. For all you know, he doesn't know he's doing anything wrong or, perhaps, he thinks you like taking care of stuff. Please talk to him.
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Calender, did y speak to him? How did it go?
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I can be lacking in humour and unromantic at times.
Especially if I get tired, or depressed. The latter happens when I have difficulty here in China. It also happens at Christmas.
Some people love Christmas with a passion, others don't. There are many reasons for this.
If your bf is a bit depressed at times, help him to realise that his moods effect you as well. Tell him you like to see him happy, remind him you love him (and why). He may even respond. He may just need a little encouragement, but don't nag him.
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rats
19 yrs ago
What if a female is looking around like a male do and again like male - she always knows the way 'home' no matter how much 'fun' she has out there?
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rats
19 yrs ago
Shizz - I was asking one's opinion towards female cheaters, those who keep looking and fooling around and yet they always know the way home, i.e. going back to the good but boring boyfriends/husbands.
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Hello Calender,
1 - Xmas time is a time for family gathering. I can understand that he can feel moody, since he has lost his father. My grand father lost his parents when he was 20 and for a long time hated Xmas. Ask him, but he probably feels the same.
2 - Could you tell us more about him? If he is the elder brother, it is very normal he takes care of the rest of the familly, aspecially if some are still studying and finance are a bit tight ...
3 - I presume he has introduced you to his familly. Given the little we know about him, the fact that you are living together is already a very positive sign that he really cares for you. It has been 3 years already, which is already a good period of time. The fact that he cares for his familly is normal. Some people have very strong familly bound, and I would say it is good. It usually goes along with good personal values. There is no conflict between his love for his familly and his love for you. Let me go a bit further on this one. Here is an exemple that can illustrate what happens. In a familly with 2 children, where one is at home and the other in boarding school, the parents checks more on the one away than the one at home, calling him and asking him how he feels and if things are alright. They barely ask those questions to the child at home. Why is that so ? Simply because the child at home is always reachable, and the parents can react immediatly if this child need to be taken care of, they also can feel if something is wrong. But the child who is away is beyond their control. So they check.
Well it is more or less the same for you. You live together, so if there is anything you need or that goes wrong, he will see it, so he feels safe on this side. It is normal to feel a bit jealous in your shoes, but he is your man :-)
Regarding the romantic bit, hmmm, well difficult. Simply tell him, not on the complaining tone, but as a fact. He will certainly make some efforts and I bet you will be very touched. And humor, buy him some funny movies and tell him with an evil grin : "we have to work on your humor, darlin'" followed by a kiss if you may :-)
Both romantism and humor can be trained. Humor is based on confidence and play on words, so funny movies ... can help.
Anyway, hope this helps.
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HI calender here!! Thank everyone. "evohe" u r right! He is the eldest in family and he has financial problem and he also a old fashion and consevative.Well i did talk to him about my fellings but he did not respond well and said that i was creating unwanted issiue, we had a wierd discussion among thoes was a funny things that i mention he did not bring me a soup but remember to get dinner for himslef anyway we end up not talking to each other for a 2days. !!!Guess what next day he brings me the Russian Broth soup that i complain about but didi not say anything just put inside the fridge and at late evening he came to me and said to me baby lets get marry!! You r felling all this because you need somebody to cuddle and show ur childsih behiv i am a grown up now and cant do that all the time.I am the way it is but its time for You to get mature and support me and also its my age to have some child lets have a baby so you would be fully involve in raising them and our relation could be strong. I said i always fell that u dont love me as you use to be and cares less to me and i have to think about that.Ah i want to marry but i am so confussed and afraid what will happen if something did not wark out, so many thought i just dont know what to do guys??????
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rats
19 yrs ago
Calender, don't marry if you are not certain. You want to marry to someone you LOVE, but not just for the wedding band and a home.
Main point is, do you love him so much that you want to spend the rest( or at least, as long as possible) of your life with him?
No one's perfect. If you love him enough, the non-romantic part shouldn't bother you much. He can make it up with other valuable qualities/personalities. Are you romantic? if you are, you can still have a romantic relationship ;) and he will pick up the tricks as time goes by.
Since he is a family man, which means he will be nice to his family (i.e. with YOU) as well. ;)
Mind you... if the only reason why he wants to marry you is becuase he thinks it's time for HIM to have a baby and use a baby to get you mature, don't fall for it! It is one of the worst reasons I have ever heard.
Good luck!
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very true rats, everyone of us have our limits, just a matter if you can look pass though and find enough qualities
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in that case casey, want to trade in for a newer model?? :)
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Well,
You know, I was expecting that he would ask you to marry him, and also that he would mention the maturity speach. Given the situation it is to be expected.
The reason why he has no humor or romantism is that your man feels he carries the burden of the world on his shoulder. He is worried and stressed. He loves you, but in a more responsable/father figure style, than in a companion/brother style.
It is up to you to marry him depends on how much you love him. But for your relashionship's sake
1 - Show him you are mature and you can put yourself in his shoes.
2 - Help him to release his stress. Ask him, when you feel something is wrong, what is wrong.
3 - If you want to marry him, first take time to consider : good for you and he will respect that a lot, it will give your words weight. Ask him why he wants to marry you, appart for babies. He must be a tough guy, very introverted, so opening up is not easy. If you get married he has to open his heart to you and be able to discuss his feeling and stress with you. This is companion ship, you are not an additional child.
If you want to go ahead, take some time to say it he will listen to you. Tell him first you have to think, but remain positive, say for instance : I have to think of the responsabilities it implies and the way our relashionship is going to evolve after marriage. Let's talk seriously about it in a week time.
Bang !
Hope this helps
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OH MY! EVOHE!!! so its all about him and the world revolves around him! i dont like the sound of that sorry matie
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Hmmm,
No he on his side has to give her more credit and more respect. Consider her not as a child but as a companion. That is his problem. He also has to consider what she expects.
What I am pointing at is that there is a maturity gap between the 2, and elaborate a bit more on his mind set. Not saying he is God all mighty. But if she wants him to listen, maybe the way of talking to him has to change.
But I would be interested to have calender's thought on that.
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casey, so are you single? :)
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On the romance issue: ever heard or read about the "love languages"? There are 5 main ones, by which we show or receive LOVE:
(1) physical affection
(2) words of affirmation
(3) acts of service
(4) quality time
(5) gifts and tokens
It looks like your guy's love language is Acts of Service. That's how he knows how to show love and that's probably how he would receive love. For example, if your language was Gifts and Tokens, you would be buying him gifts all the time to show that you love him, but he would not FEEL loved because his love language is acts of service, not gifts and tokens. But if you were to clean house, help him with dishes, etc, he would feel very loved.
The "trick" is to learn what the other's love language is, and (a) realize when they are actually expressing their love to you so it helps you not to feel unloved, and (b) try to express love to them in THEIR love language.
Ideally, both should do this. But it still helps if Calendar began to see her BF's acts of service (example - the soup) as his way of expressing love, and consequently, feel loved. Also, if she told the BF about this love languages thing, he may begin to understand how he must at least try to show her love in a language SHE understands.
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:-) Your partner's love language is Acts of Services?
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casey,
new begining clean slade :) love spring cleaning, need any help re-arranging furnitures? :)
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hey! neat. cloudninety, this is great - i haven't seen those love languages before. very useful. i see now that my bf is multilingual.
:-)
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casey> maybe in another life? :)
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check your mailbox by the way casey:)
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More confuse!!!!!!!!I KNOW I HAVE 2 CHOICE EITHER LEAV HIM AND HOPE FOR ANOTHER UNDERSTANDING ONE OR BE LOW AND SUPPORTIVE AND LEAV LIFE WITH HIM.IF I MARRY HIM HE WILL NEVER BETRAY ME AND HE WILL BE SUPPORTIVE IN CERTAIN CASE AND MAY BE GIVE ME O.K. LIFE AND LITTLE LOVE. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH! HIS FINANCIAL,HIS ATTITUDE, HIS SENS OF HUMOR AND ROMANCE AND HIS LOVE AND RESPECT TO FAMIL I CAN BARE IT AND I HAVE DONE FOR THIS LONG. BUT THE PROBLEM IS NOT ALL THE TIME.hE HAS TO CONSIDER LOT OF THINGS TO ME AS WELL.yOU CANNOT IMAGINE HOW ADJUSTABLE I AM.HE UNDERSTAND MY FELLINGS BUT DOSENT GIVE PRIORITY, FOR HIM LIFE IS TO MAKE SUCCESS AND KEEPING FAIR RELATIONSHIP, SOLVE COMPICATION,DEEPRESSION TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY BUT FOR ME LIFE IS TO LOVE AND UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER SHARE FELLINGS HELP EACHOTHER BE THERE WHEN WE NEED AND ENJOY.iTS BETWEEN HIM AND ME FIRST, tHEN CARE FOR OTHER OR OTHER ISSIU.I LUV HIM AND CAN ADJUST FOR A LIFE AND FOR SURE.T IS LIFE ABOUT ADJUSTING AND SACRIFISING OR LEAVING A LIFE THE WAY I WANT.??? AND WHAT HAPPEN TO ME IT RELATION BREAK WHEN I AM IN 40.? "EVOCH" RIGHT THERE IS AGE DIFF AND STANDERED AND EDUCATION AND FAMILY STATUS. "sOMETIMES I WONDER IF HE LOVES ME OR NOT........aNY WAY THANKS GUYS!!
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evohe
19 yrs ago
In line with Ezekiel.
And my alias is Evohe, the scream of women during orgy rituals devoted to Bacchus.
So 2 prophets are talking with you.
I am surprise to read those lines, quite painful to decifer indeed. You seem under a lot of pressure. There is not much sense in what you write. I would recommend a relaxing time.
For relaxing time, santory time.
Cheers
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evohe
19 yrs ago
That is a very bitter comment Hoyo. But same could apply to men who are looking for the perfect gal also. In fact all comes down to trusting your heart and go with your feelings or ... being materialistic and categorise people, puting them in a box and waiting for someone who seems to fit the perfect box. Alas, it is not until you are with someone that you completly know them.
Anyway, going back to Calendar, she is with someone and loves him. Just wish there was more spice in her relashionship. I would say, Calendar, you want spice : create it : you are 25 yo with 2 legs and a brain. Very capable of actions and initiative then. Do not wait for the mountain to come to you :-)
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evohe
19 yrs ago
Hmmm,
Hoyo, I know where you come from : been there, done it.
Let not the shadow of materialism darkenned your heart, but chase them away and let the light in you still be bright, for in the valley of materialism we all walk. Come with us and believe, love is waiting for thee.
Romance is not a luxury, but be the romance bringer. He That Loves Thee will shed His smile upon Thee, for you brought him what He had not.
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