Posted by
gsweetie
18 yrs ago
we met a month ago, spent the first two dates chatting and laughing without any romantic gestures towards each other, yet we both expressed fondness in each other. on the third date we had hot sex, and on the fouth date too of course. although it's only been such a short time, i got to know that he's a perfectly sweet, gentle,smart and caring man, a great gentleman. i love being with him, and would love to have a long-term relationship with him. is it too soon to ask him to go steady?????
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I don't think there is any harm in talking to him n let him know how u feel- without sounding pushy - take it from there......
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the problem is, i don't wanna come across too needy.......also, the general belief of foreign men in China (always looking to shag different women) is freaking me out, obviously only because i've seen a lot of men like that believe it's true to a certain degree, and i am worried that he's also like that. it's a problem whether he is having sex with someone else or not. if he isn't, it'll take a lot of time and observation for me to be certain that i can trust him. and if he is, the disappointment will kill me. gosh this is gonna be tough!
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rititt:
my goal for this relationship is to have a relationship that's real and in which i can give and receive love without being lied to or cheated. i'm not looking for marriage, or to hijack his personal life, all i want is a faithful bf and a great relationship that's fun and inspiring.
i guess the biggest difference lies in our perspectives on sex, women who are cheated on would think of themselves ripped-off even if they did have great sex with the partners. and this is a feeling that's not in our control i guess, at least to speak for myself.
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Ok Another guy's opinion,
I think, from experience, that a Western guy might enjoy the roaming about Asia on a shag quest thing but If he finds one that offers more than random shag potential, ie, interesting personality, fun to hang out with, good conversation along with great shagging (not my native terminology but we will use it here for clarity) then he might very well be interested in stopping his wandering and hanging out for a bit.
Always remember that he knows he can resume the random shaging with little to no negative repercussions if you start pushing him too hard or nagging etc. Dont make him feel corraled, caught or stuck though. He needs to feel that he WANTS to stay home at night.
I wouldnt have any problem with the right woman wanting to get monogamous if thee were something in it for me. Maybe you want to both go get tested and not have to worry about disease risks etc. Make it seem like you arent fencing him in to take away his freedom but that you want to get closer and feel more secure with him because you really dig him. Maybe you want to do certain things without the stretchy desensitizer barrier between you and monogamy is the only way you feel safe doing that?
I think its ok but dont be pushy or controlling and it shouldnt bother him.
Sasquatch
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if your having "hot sex", its not to soon to go steady
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Well, i think u should wait for a while maybe and c how things go... give it two more weeks?!
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Yes, No man wants a go steady question dropped on him. Let it take a path, if it is going to be steady it will if not you will soon find out.
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Seems to me that you both don't quite know each other well before the "hot sex". What you both have done was merely impression & emotion driven. I would say it's too immature to think about long term at this juncture. Normally, easy come would easy go. Before talking about long term, you should spend some time to know him better and let him know you better too.
If you just want to keep a long term sex partner, the question would come much easier. If your goal is for a life time campanion, spending some time to dig out the mysteries of each other is a must.
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hi guys, thanks for your opinions, it's good to know about men's mentality, very helpful.
i agree, it's indeed too soon, we are only starting to know each other. nevertheless it's going well, sex is hot, talks are great and i think we truly enjoy each other's company, i realized that at this stage i really shouldn't ask for more.
also i really don't have much of a long term objective for him/this relationship, all i wanna ask of him is not to date other girls when he's dating me., which he's agreed, sort of...i'll follow my heart and hope this will work out.
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Sounds like a good basis, if he sort of agreed not seeing other girls that means at least he is thinking of commiting all else will have to follow through time. enjoy the hot sex
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Chris79: it's not exactly like what you think. the exact words of my request were "just f**k me, no one else" and he agreed, twice. because i don't think we have established a relationship yet, so i don't think i have the right to ask him not to see other people and i have no way to know if he does or not. since we are having sex, i feel justified to ask him not to shag other girls. and i mean, if he does date others and find someone who he likes better than me, he could tell me and it'd be alright, but shagging another woman would just be unacceptable!
..... + Peter KC: i totally agree with you, there is no short-cut to a healthy steady relationship.
things between us is becoming more and more fun, at least for me. he is terribly sweet and patient to me, tells me i make him happy, we have endless fun chats, sex is definitely hot--after careful observation, i am quite sure he does adore me, and i love being with him. but the problem is, i still don't know if i can trust him....
last night, very much by chance, i peeped into his cellphone messages...i was very disappointed by what i saw. there were quite a few messages from girls. in 1 of them a girl said she loved him. a couple others were flirtatious but still appropriate. the major problem comes from these 2 msg from one girl, where she was obviously having a sexual conversation with him--i looked at the time, as they did that i was asleep in his bed after we made love.
i'm not sure if they had had physical sex, but this did come as a big shock--i thought he was happy with me, at least with the sex! at least right after we had it!
guys, help me out here, what do you think of this? i know i know, he and i were not bf & gf yet when he phone-sexed this girl, and if he didn't have actual sex with her after he promised me, then the phone sex was not exactly cheating. and maybe this will not happen again after we confirm there's a relationship in a month or two (that's my plan). but as Sasquatch said, he could resume random shagging/flirting any time he wants, i will have no way to find out. i am so confussed, when i'm with him i feel torn, coz he seems like such a perfect bf (not lover, but bf)!
in the long run if he cannot quit on the girls, i would rather just be friends or break it off, coz i can't live my life wondering
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gsweetie. Don't know your age group. Guess you are in your 20's based on your attitude towards sex and relationship.
In my opinion, monogamy is the basic moral standard when pursuing a relationship. You've slept with this guy --- fine. If you guys are having this committed sexual relationship -- committed in the way that you keep seeing each other and keep having sex, the assumption should be none of you should be engaged in sexutal relationships with others at the same time.
You should trust him in the first place. If this is the case, you shouldn't have checked his phone message. I feel that you've intruded his privacy.
Now you've found out that he is at least having phone sex with another girl. Well, you need to have an open conversation with him now. If he doesn't agree with you on the sole sexual relationship point, break-up might be the only option.
Just from my observation, westerners within China can be quite spoiled -- not all of them of course. Some are decent professionals but more are players. Just be careful!
Good luck.
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big thank you's to csun009 and Cruz, thanks for giving me your input.
i do feel that things are quite tricky and touchy at the moment. as suggested by Sasquatch + Cruz, i don't want to make him feel i'm pushy. i already brought up the subject twice before i saw the phone msg, he may already think i'm extra paranoid. if i bring it up again, it'll have to be a serious talk for sound reasons. i feel stuck. i also feel i need time! perhaps the best thing to do is to give him and myself some time, let things develop a bit more!
thank you all again. i hope this won't be another heartbreak.
i wonder, when the right time comes, would it be ok if i say to hi "let me know when you're ready for monogamy, coz i am"? or should i be more demanding?????
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Why don't you approach the subject in a more diplomatic way?
Ask for his opinion on monogamy. You shall be able to tell his attitude based on his answer.
Also try not to be too obsessed with him. It's easy enough to have hot sex but time will test whether this can be a sustaining relationship or not.
Once more, good luck.
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i think he's still fooling around, dumped him, end of the story.
thank you all for your inputs. in fact, i now totally agree with rititt, with more and more westerners coming into china/asia and more chinese women getting involved with them, the women should really open their eyes and watch out, no kidding!
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well done Gsweetie. Move on and stick to your standard!
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CSUN009: ......stick to my standard and i'll be totally alone for another year or two--sad and chilling cold but true. seems like attractive foreign men (and even the unattractive ones too!) here are all undatable, depressing. but anyway this is a subject too old, i only wish all chinese girls involved with western men will learn quickly and can think straight, save themselves from humiliations and regrets.
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From my personal experience, I can assure you that there're genuine ones out there. Just be patient and enjoy yourself, with or without a man alike!!!
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Girl..My opinions to you is dont overthink, as time goes by, it will tell..( do not always thinking of him ) Go out and have fun & i am sure you can meet many good guys! If he loves you, he would ask you to be his GF rather than dating..You should know what you are doing and take the control in the whole situation. Sometimes guys say full of bullsh*t. Pls do not believe that..You are young and there are many chances out there . Many POTENTIAL hot targets out there. Maybe just have a few dating and pick up the prefect one. If he just wanna dating..That is fine..Tell him that you still have some other dates and pls do wait for you! You still have plenty of time, and being young is the advantage. Enjoy your life and have fun, dont rush to pick up the good one before you are 30. I am still havent met the prefect one that is why i am being single! That is not a bad things...It is freedom & enjoy it.
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LJY
18 yrs ago
Hi! gsweetie. Please use your basic instinct on this matter. You are obviously having a lot of unresolve conflict in your mind that is bothering you every minute. Since that is the case, it is better to drop it off and move on. At least, you dun have to torture your mind into "imagining" what your future will be like. Sex is just part of a relationship, it is only good hot sex when you made love with your loveone that you love and "trust". If you do not have trust anymore after several attempt, then it is better that you move on. I wish you all the best. :) ( Happy chinese new year )
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hello - true a lot of hwailos just here to shag and go through as many women as possible. but NOT ALL are like that. in the end, it allcomes down to the individual - what kind of person he is, or he appears to be. you can only judge him by your experience of him. and it may sound corny, but but in all relationships, there is risk, no? the only things that come with guarantees are appliances, and even those run out.
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stupendous: yes i did believe in that, until my luck proved to be a tough one again. guess it takes a lot of luck to bump into one of the not-sleeping-around minority. i will keep trying though. thanks!
as to risks in relationships, that can be tough too. maybe find a boring bf = less risky relationship?
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