How do couples manage when one is from one country and the other comes from another? Specially when christmas & new year come around it's like a nightmare having to decide where to go. Cross cultural relationships are so tough.
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Well both families are quite laid back - but i come from a close knit family that celebrates christmas - i only get to see them once or twice a year - therefore would like to go home and just bum around. My partner feels that three days of bumming around is enough and since he's in a whole new country wants to go sightseeing.
His mother wants to come along - which is fine by me and my family - but not for him as she has some difficulty moving around.
anyway it all got too complicated, so i've just decided to leave them both here go home for a shorter time and then go for a week to thailand with the man.
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Life
19 yrs ago
How funny, your sister-in-law shops at sears and you are embaressed. If that is all that she can afford why should she live outside her budget?
AND.. if you despise the gifts you receive so much, why don't you tell them, instead of giving you something this year, give the would be gifts to Salvation Army or an Orphanage?
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Thanks Nemesis.
hmmm. interesting. I'm the only one that seems to have difficulty with the whole thing. Intecultural relationship - i mean.
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tuttifrutti, i guess it's a bit of both.
The one major reason i married the mans is 'cos he accepts me the way i am. I'm indian - and have had lots of admirers who liked me just 'cos in their minds i was this mystical "indian". I feel the same way about him - i don't expect him to fall into a certain category only because of his nationality.
I went to italy with him for four years as he was tired of china, i was tired of Hong Kong and going back to india for the holidays was ok - i went a few times by myself and organised tours around for him when he went with me.
It's just this time - the whole family is actually going to congregate all in one place after a space of about three years - i feel that i should spend as much time with them as possible. He feels that he doesn't get that many days off - and after all the hectic running around here a few days (3) is enough and then we go to a beach.
We are different in what we believe and how we do things - but in a nice way - it doesn't bug us.
we're thinking of having a kid - and his thing is 'it will sleep in a different room - it will not sleep in our bed' unthinkable if you're indian.
I think arranged marraiges are just one way of doing it - he thinks it's incredibly backward (this does piss me off)
I want to eventually retire in the wilds of Africa or India (i think european winters are unbearable) he says fine.
Nemesis, christmas for me is something special. I think my parents love having us all around and i think i love being with them during christmas. I think i've only been away from my parents for abut 4 Christmases - and i wasn't happy at all.
I don't know though - sometimes i just get the feeling that i compromise way more than he does.
i do tell him this.
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wow. I think that's my longest post yet.
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Life
19 yrs ago
JC: sears is good for appliances (what their reputation was based on). As for clothing, other than socks and under garments, they do suck. But where gift giving is concerned, I base it on the thoughts and not the cost.
Goddess: Do not worry too much, you are different people from different backgrounds and will never see eye to eye on all things. As long as you can compromise then that is what really counts. Right? As for kids in your bed, don’t worry about that, cross that bridge when you get there. No need worrying about that now. For all you know, he might be the one that can’t imagine the kid anywhere but in bed with you guys, and after a while, you might be the one who wants the kid in another HOUSE forget another room. Besides, instead of in the same bad, perhaps a crib in your bedroom will suffice. I think that is how most people start off.
You just might compromise more than he does, and if you do, then compromise less. Make it a 50/50 issue and stand your ground. I am not a big Christmas person so I don’t care where we celebrate the holiday which works out just fine for us. BUT if I did, then I would split up time between two major holidays. Say Christmas and Easter. And alternate between families.
I do however understand the 3 days and then it is enough feeling. Though I suppose he could try a little harder. But to be perfectly honest, after 5 days I have no desire to hang around his friends, and everything else, is just plain boring and I too then want us time. In fact, after 5 days with my friends, and family, I want to come home.
But this really is not about being cross cultural. That is just about marrying a stranger (versus someone you are related to). You just seem to see it more because you know you are from different cultural backgrounds. You both could be married to people from your respective countries and still harbor the same sentiments.
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I have no intention of smothering anybody.
I was just pointing out basic differences in view points.
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MC
19 yrs ago
Goddess kali girl. Just a piece of reality. My husband is American (very) and I am Chinese. I spent many many years in the US and am quite Westernized according to people I know. We have a child. Believe me after you have a kid is is when all the cross cultural differences come in: when to toilet train; education, friends and etc. We almost divorced because of the fact that we couldn't agree on things. Our relationship has certain gone down the hill even though we are still together. Many of my friends are in the same boat. The ones that seem to get along better are those whose husband travels a lot and is never home or the husband is less invovled. Anyway, if I had to do it again, I wouldn't get into a cross cultural marriage.
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I have seen cross cultural marriages that work like clockwork (if i can say that). I visited my aunt last week. She married a Danish man and lived/worked in Singapore with him the first 4 years before moving back with him and having to learn the language etc. The eldest is now 13 and second one 11.
Probably the most well adjusted, intelligent and well behaved children I've ever seen in my entire life!Husband and wife get along fine (I am still amazed)
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Language plays a big part in any relationship. Do you speak mandarin? Instead of relying on the local girl to speak English you could brush up on the local language.
Otherwise, a western educated/newly returned local girl might fit into the picture better. The sense of humor and interests as well as expectations might then be more similar to yours.
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MC : this is what I'm afraid off. Whenever we are in India, him and his mum often comment on how differently kids are brought up there.
We do communicate very well though - so i guess that's one good thing.
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Another problem - a bit unrelaated is that he's so worried that if we have a baby - i'll have a lot less time to dedicate to him and us.
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MC
19 yrs ago
Again a bit of reality: Communication can be great when you don't have kids. Once you have kids, everything changes. Subjects you cannot possibly think of come up which lead to disagreement. My husband and I were classmates and then worked in the same industry. Talking about communications, no problem... Look where we are now!!!
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