Hey everyone. Been a lurker here for a while, and here's an issue of my own. Hoping I can hear some reason from other voices than my own.
Consider myself to be a fairly nice girl... in my late twenties and I've never cheated on any of my relationships... always been a good girlfriend, etc. But lately I've been finding myself in an awkward situation. I have a boyfriend whom I Just Love To Death for about 9 months now, he's in the States and I'm here in HK. We met through a work job last year and we've kept the long distance going... he's an absolute darling and I love him to death.
Lately I've been fooling around with another guy I met here while in Hong Kong, and it's been for about 2 months now. Deep in my heart I know that I would never end up with him because I just love my boyfriend but this guy is pretty serious about me.
I've gotten myself into this awkward mess and I just don't know what to do. My boyfriend wants to come visit me soon and I'm really happy about that because we're working towards our future together... but what do I do with this guy I've been fooling around with? I can NEVER tell my boyfriend about this because it will KILL him and I know I'm not serious about this other guy.
Neither of them know about each other's role in my life. To my boyfriend, this other guy's just a work buddy and to this other guy, my boyfriend's my best friend. I haven't LIED outright, just haven't been completely HONEST.
I guess my question is, has this ever happened to any of you? I'm guilt-ridden and I've Never Been A Cheater Before but god the long distance is DRAINING. Sometimes you just want companionship and physical intimacy and a giggle here, a kiss there when you come home from work.
I love my boyfriend. Please, the voices of reason, work your wonder. Talk to me, I beg you.
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I know I'm guilty. I am not here fishing for the "Oh I feel sorry for you" comments. Give it all to me, I know I deserve it. That's what I want... voices of reason upon my selfishness and idiocy.
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"Never been a cheater before"...well, there's a first time for everything and stop trying to justify your lying and cheating by saying how much you "love" your long distance boyfriend and how you "just want companionship and physical intimacy and a giggle here, a kiss there..." That's a crock of sh*t if I heard one. If the LDR is soooooo DRAINING, then ditch him and you can fool around as much as you want. But if you sooooo "love" your boyfriend, then you shouldn't have slutted around with this other guy.
I agree with Aijin, you'll lose them both if they find out, but judging from your post, you won't be telling either of them. You'll just keep up the lies and betrayal until one of them gets too much for you and you'll choose the other. My money's on the guy in HK, he's nice and convenient afterall. Having to fly all the way to the US just for a bit of nooky would SO DRAINING!
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Well...I've had a few long-distance relationships so I understand what you meant why you said it could be draining.
However, please allow me to say, you knew in the first place what you signed up for - LD relationship so you do need to cope with the downsides. I am not in the position to give you any advice but when I felt drained by the loneliness brought by a LD relationship, I didnt shop around. Instead, I discussed with my then-boyfriend and tried to work things out between the two of us. If you truly value (im not doubting you) your boyfriend and the relationship you are having, then be fair and have a chat with him and take it from there! you never know, probably he would appreciate it and you guys would get even closer.
For the other guy that you have been messing around with, as you said, you are not serious about him (even though he is about you), so actually I think you already know what to do? :)
Good luck!
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this is absolutely cheating, and it has been going on for a while, like 2 months??!! you want it!! it`s not even like a one time thing, you made a mistake then you feel horrible... you are abusing the trust in your relationship, and i think you should tell them both the truth.
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I just want to say, I've been reading everybody's replies, and it REALLY got me thinking about this quite hard... I was aware before of how damaging this can be to me in the long run if I keep this going. (let's not even mention the two other parties involved because of my selfishness)
I can't blame those of you who have judged me based on this incident alone, but I know in my heart that I am not the terrible, two-timing bitch you might think I am.
I'm serious... I've never thought about this entire thing as much as I have since I posted this and read all your replies. There's a first step to everything, I know I can put an end to this situation.
Sleepless Somewhere In Hong Kong...
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sicn
16 yrs ago
How do you know your BF in the US is not messing around just like you are?? Don't you think he might feel the same way as you do to an LDR? Men have needs .....
So if he does, will that change the dynamics of this game?
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I have a boyfriend whom I Just Love To Death for about 9 months now, he's in the States and I'm here in HK. We met through a work job last year and we've kept the long distance going... he's an absolute darling and I love him to death.
>> Perhaps you should really reconsider whether you truly love him or not. Had you even thought about your BF at the states for a split-second when you are with the other guy you would be overwhelmed with guilt and you wouldn't have done it. If you truly love him, you wouldn't do such a thing to hurt him and betray his trust in you.
Deep in my heart I know that I would never end up with him because I just love my boyfriend but this guy is pretty serious about me... and I know I'm not serious about this other guy.
>>Hmm... and you call yourself a "decent" girl, you are saying one thing yet doing another. You say that you want a future with your bf, yet you are fooling around with another guy on the other side. Not only did you CHEAT on your bf, and u are knowingly LEADING ON the other guy knowing that he's "pretty serious" while you are not. That's sure puts a whole new definition to "decent". Gee...
Neither of them know about each other's role in my life. To my boyfriend, this other guy's just a work buddy and to this other guy, my boyfriend's my best friend. I haven't LIED outright, just haven't been completely HONEST.
>> I honestly can't tell the difference... it seems that you are chewing on your words and concealing the facts from the two poor guys. Had you really been so "nice" as you claimed, and if you truly believe you are, you would have nothing to fear should they learn the truth. I am not sure what's left in your relationship when you have betrayed your bf's trust... you don't even have the respect to treat either of them with honesty, it seems that it's only lies and deceits... that's not how somebody nice would treat a friend, let alone someone you consider more important than a friend.
I guess my question is, has this ever happened to any of you? I'm guilt-ridden and I've Never Been A Cheater Before but god the long distance is DRAINING. Sometimes you just want companionship and physical intimacy and a giggle here, a kiss there when you come home from work.
>> You are just scared of being alone and you need someone every minute to justify your existence. If you truly love your bf so much as you claim, you would be able to get by your physical urges of having someone right here, right now.
I love my boyfriend. Please, the voices of reason, work your wonder. Talk to me, I beg you.
>> You love neither of them. The only person you love is yourself. Don't try to confuse others that you are guilt-ridden. You are not. You simply fear the consequences that you are losing both your bf (whom you seem to perceive is the best you can get), and the other guy (someone that's here for you and readily available) when they find out about each other.
Should they never know about each other's existence, I am quite certain that you would happily let this go on without even a second thought, when you got the best end of both deals. It's like a criminal fearing the jailtime, claiming that he's all guilty and trying to rationalise why he did the wrong thing. Which we all know isn't true.
Perhaps you should reconsider whether you truly love your bf, or if you are even worthy to love and be loved by someone in return. Think about the very foundations of a relationship - HONESTY, TRUST and FIDELITY... you obvious can't uphold even these very basic things to make any relationship a fruitful one.
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1. Spill the beans to both boys, ditch one of them
2. If going for Mr. US, you need to make the LD work for you. If you're needing physical, get yourself a decent vibrator and for jove's sake, call Mr US. You might both REALLY enjoy it!
3. To stave off the need for non-physical attention, round up your gal pals and have a good night out/brunch/coffee/whatever.
4. In the long run, if really serious about Mr US, one of you are going to need to move.
Good Luck!
Kim
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should stop cheating on your boyfriend and dont fool another person. you are so selfish.
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Alright. So here's how I see it.. Firstly, there's really only two types of people when it comes to dealing with long distance relationships.. those who can, and those who cannot. You, my dear, of course fall into the latter bucket. Don't try any longer to maintain that relationship with the US guy, either you need to go to where he is or he needs to go to where you are, or your relationship is nothing but a figment of your imagination.
The HK guy is a fling gone wrong (or gone right?) it seems. You say you aren't serious, but I don't think a serious relationship is what you even want from him. You say he's not right, but he's obviously quite right, for right now. If you plan on staying in HK, I say you break up with the US guy and just tell him the truth, you couldn't deal with the distance. If you are leaving HK soon to go back to the US, then enjoy the HK guy while you're here aslong as you tell HK guy the terms, that when you leave, it's over. If he can deal with that and agrees to it, then it's all good.
In regards to the final point people are making about full disclosure. Full disclosure is overrated in my opinion. Never in life do we really have full disclosure, and for a good reason. We all tell varied degrees of truths and lies to everyone; this is what we affectionately call 'social skills'. Don't tell the US guy about this, there is no good to come of it. You will hurt him for no reason at all.
In the end, you need to decide what it is you want from your life. If you want to be with the US guy, get out of HK already and go there. If you want to play, then dump the US guy and play. As much as you are currently enjoying sitting on the fence, inevitably it will blow up in your face.
There's no wrong or right. The oh-so-noble, holier than thou people looking down on you for 'cheating' are silly. Being adults, things get complicated, we're humans, we're innately flawed and weak. It's how you deal with the complications that will help you find yourself. Who are you? Do you even want this US relationship? Your words say yes but actions prove otherwise. Is this HK guy really a joke? Your words say so but your actions prove otherwise. etc etc. You have a lot of introspection to do as I feel that you have no idea what you really want, and that indecisiveness is the root of this problem.
Cheers,
Elsdon
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well said elsdon... the voice of reason.
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jamil
16 yrs ago
Way to go Elsdon.
I need nto add anymore to that thats just perfect answer.
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Well said Elsdon.
Not trying to be on the moral highgound and judge ppl here but then I must confess I can't really stand ppl claiming that they r all decent and innocent and trying to rationalise all their wrongdoings claiming that they are still that "nice person" but juz got confused.
FFS ppl shud tk more responsibility for their actions 4 a change.
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Stuck between 2 guys...sounds kinda good to me! ;-)
No, but seriously...first off, you're looking for someone to tell you what a slut you are. Sorry, dear, but that's called 'high school' and apparently there are still some grown ups amongst us who haven't left it behind. Most people who get excited about lobbing that word at women are other women who are DESPERATELY afraid that someone else is having more fun. Guess what, it's not always fun being a prude. Didn't you read the fine print under "being a proper lady"?
Now, there's the distinct possibility that bf has been having JUST as much fun with his accountant/bartender/boss/pool girl as you have been. And your response should be "so what?"
Ultimately, will it really matter? Sex is just sex, so get over the silly moral judgements that our grandmothers drilled into us for ulterior motives that made strong connections between hymans and purity, soul-saving and sacraments, but did nothing to teach us how to put up sign-posts to our own g-spots that the good lord was good enough to bestow upon us.
Are you a bad person? I don't know. Have you stolen anything? Emotionally scarred any children? Run over someone and not stopped?
Lieing to a lover? Isn't that sort of like lieing about your taxes? It hits the fan if you're caught, but if you're not your relationship is all good.
My advice? 'Fess up before bf invests in an expensive airline ticket. You don't need to fill him in on all the details (unless, of course, he's really in to that sort of thing!) and he should be a big boy about it and realize that the other guy isn't the one you want to be with long-term and get over it. If you don't fess up then do you REALLY want to live with this 'secret' in your closet? Heavens, life is FAR too short to lose sleep over a shag (or 10) between consenting adults. I mean, honestly. If you're looking for something to lose sleep over then have a quick glance at the UN website, there's enough horror and pain to put our silly little problems to shame.
If bf freaks and calls you a harlot then take it on the chin and move on. Believe me, with 6 billion+ people in the world, you'll find someone more like-minded, I promise. Someone who'll call you Mistress Harlot AND knows how to cook. You just have to know where to look. Personally? I'd start at your local comic book store and work your way up from there to a Star Trek convention.
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Tell the truth before the guy in US flies back. Admit to the facts. Plain and simple. If he loves you for real, he'll fly and take you back. Afterwhich, tell the guy in HK, this is it, you made up your mind and you are dumping him. This is in fairness to him as well. Straight forward. Sad if the guy in US doesn't come to take you back. Well sorry mess for you. But you can't do a thing about it anymore. You are at his mercy. Compliment is that you still got the HK guy who's really dead on you. He's you're back up. It's what played on your mind from the very beginning somehow. Admit it or not, that's how people see it. (I don't want to use the sarcastic word). Then go for him. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait for the next real love for you . . . . . This is life. You gamble, you win sometimes, but when you lose, most of it you lose big, really big. But then, you can always move on . . . . You will always have the next chance . . . good luck.
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hmmm...since when was love physical ?, its part of it sure but it doesnt mean its everything.
if u really do love your bf#1 then be patient and give him a good hint that he shud be here or take u with him..and get married for the sake for commitment so u dont have to fall here & there again
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Love is NOT what you are talking about! Hahah. Sorry but you didnt lie??? Pshhhhh, you LIED! What a load of BS when people say that "Well, you didnt ask" or things like "Well, I didnt lie, I just bent the truth" or more of the same. You are a liar, just fess up to that. Oooohhh I luurrrvvveee him so much....pshhh, so much so that for TWO MONTHS you have been doing someone else, eh?
Sorry, no sympathy here. If the other guy in the US is such a wonderful guy and such a good catch, the kind, honorable and decent thing would be to tell him the truth and leave him to a good deserving woman out there! Its only fair to him, he deserves better than someone who cheats on him and whines that a long distance is "draining". *SMH*
I was in the same situation...wow, how long ago? 12 years? More? I returned to HK and my then "oooohh love so much" was in the US. I met up with my (now ex) spouse in HK. Went back to the US and spilt with sweet ol "love so much" and was then begged to not leave. "Please, dont leave me, I will take you back, I dont care if you were with someone else" etc...thats how sweet "love so much" was, probably still is! But I said "Nah, you deserve so much better than someone who messed you about!" even if that someone was me.
So what happened? Time went by...and recently we caught up through facebook. "Love so much" is a happy parent teaching at a university in Egypt, 2 beautiful kids and a wonderful spouse who is loved and loves in return. Happy as all hell! That may not have been possible if I had selfishly clung on and lied about my failings. We made our peace and thanked each other for having been a part of each others lives...and were glad things worked out the way they did.
I'd say, if you love him so much, do the right thing, you dont deserve that much goodness, maybe you will, but for now you obviously dont know what you have and so have been careless with it...dont worry, you'll grow up one day and know what you got...but yeah, I'd say you prolly gotto lose them both to know what you deserve. You just need time to grow up...and I agree with a previous poster...fess the hell up before sap in the US wastes money on a ticket, thats the least you can do! *SMH* Good luck!
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really think u are lying to all of us including yourself you dont love u bf. I dont think long distance works for u. If u really disagree then move to the US to be with him or split and go local
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The thing you need to ask yourself is 'how would i feel if i found out that he was doing that to me' and if the reaction is 'outrage' well that should be enough reason for you to stop
otherwise how could you ever have peace of mind and feel you had the right to fight for him if he ever did stray, even if it was once, if you don't behave your self?
if the roles were reversed and this was a guy's post we were responding to everybody would be launching flaming arrows and rightly so, so whether you're a girl or a guy - fair's fair and a cheat is indeed a cheat
have to agree with Edelson in one respect, if you don't want to lose your US man, then whatever you do don't tell him but dump the HK fellow immediately and stay loyal to your man from now on. otherwise let the poor schmuck go and let him find someone that is going to really be honest and give wholeheartedly to the relationship
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seriously. u know those shows like Jerry Springer? where they get people thats stupid on purpose on the show to get reactions out of the audience?
you know most of these "teenage magazine" questions on expat forums are actually asked by staff to populate the forum with mindless activity and ure a fool if you give you 2cents... whats next ? "my foreign boyfriend is seeing his Chinese colleague? "
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JONAC
16 yrs ago
The post just before is the best...haha...but now that I have nothing to do...how about a twister in the tale...have u ever thought about how many girls ur BF in US must be doing right now? and Have you ever thought how many GFs the HK guys has? hahaha...trust me enjoy life...you wouldnt have got into all this if it was true love...you still havent exprienced what true Love is...forget about another guy you wouldnt even think of anyone else if you were truly in LOVE...True LOVE is hard so just take it easy and enjoy!!! happy cheating....hahaha
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Hi Jonac, hope all's well. First of all, ask yourself if your long distance (LD) boyfriend can really connect with you in almost every way "deep down", the reason I've asked is, it's so damn hard to find that person with that special chemistry that can connect to yours, being a couple should be effortless, even traveling from afar, the moment your eyes meets again, it would just feels like you've never left.
As for this guy here in HK, he maybe someone fresh, fun, physically here by yr side, this that and the other, however, you may feel a bit vulnerable and sometimes, one become easily astray, it becomes temptation. Being in a long distance relationship can be straining that it becomes challenging, however, sacrifices have to be made. No pain no gain, right?
All the best to you. Good luck!
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"you wouldnt have got into all this if it was true love...you still havent exprienced what true Love is...forget about another guy you wouldnt even think of anyone else if you were truly in LOVE...True LOVE is hard"
well said JONAC
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Dear,
Why don't you listen to yourself, climb in a plane and join your loved one? Making wrong way could happen and you should ask yourself where is the right path. Just ignore this experience, keep good relation as friend and fly to your love while it is not too late :-)
only live once,
cheers, Chris
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i800
16 yrs ago
sparklygrapefruit.....sorry to make an observation....i might be wrong but ......in fact chances are fairly low of me being wrong.Actually, after reading your story i can make out that ...the BF in America is a lot older than you and quite rich....he can buy you all material things and convenience....at the same time, can give stability to you.The guy in HK is a man you like appearance vise.Your problem is not whom you love.....your problem is ....one can give you financially secure future .....another one can satisfy your wild desires i.e......recreational and sexual. Actually, you want to enjoy both things at the same time.
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what ever bad things u did,will also happen to you,cheating is so damaging to every person,some become crazy,some want to die coz they cant take,,,why people dont just break up first then have another one?u will not have peace in ur mind,and u will not be happy,if you will not stop this,im also a cheater b4,and when its goes back to me,i cant live normal now anymore,the pain i get is double the pain i give,its always nice to live in truth,,,,,l
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Hey Sparklygrape,
I think its tough on long distance relationship ........ but like you said you only took the other as plaything .......... so dump him before things get too complicated.
Everybody gets lonely ..... so its natural that things happens ....... but just be careful with the way you dump this guy ........ cus most guys are smarter than you think and will sure take revenge or get back at you .......
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1) You are in no way a bad person. In fact
You're completely normal.
Most people simply lack emotional maturity
To understand themselves enough to understand
2) Why not wait till BF is here, then explain yourself
And if you play it well take both to bed.
:)
He may be into it , he may not. But if he is worth keeping
He'll listen and try to make it work.
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U did against ur good good conscience. No one can help u in this situation.
But there is one solution here- U pray in sincerity for forgiveness- In Him everything are possible and forgiveness! Hope thins helps.
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Hi everyone, just a brieg update... since this post I broke it off with the guy in HK and I've remained faithful to my boy in the States. I have been so much happier and even though he is across the ocean, I can't find someone like him who is as gentle and sweet. We're working on bringing each other closer geographically! Thank you to those who didn't judge and PMed me to take it offline... unless it happens to you, you can't really imagine what it's like. So members of the moral police can go bark somewhere else. Anyway I did take with me some solid advice here, thank you very very much! :)
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good to hear some feedback after a long time and cheers for things having turned out well !
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