Help me get back to the norm please

I posted for help on my marriage problem before and really appreciated your advice. Unfortunately I am at another crossroad again. Long story short, my wife and I are both Chinese, both in our 30's, married for 1 year after less than 1 year of dating, both 1st marriage, no kids, parents not in HK and she moved here only after marriage. She doesn't work so I support the family. We've been fighting frequently about little things and she often threatened with divorce. Lately she's become more verbally and physically abusive towards me (Yes, physically).

I've been trying to understand her as much as I can but still cannot think of a single good reason why she could be so mad. Women are generally hard to understand but I've really done my best trying to make the marriage work. She probably tried too from her perspective.

I don't want to waste space here explaining the issues but I can assure you there is nothing "worthy" of a divorce. We've checked these issues with my mother-in-law as well as a close friend.

I don't think she is faking it. It just kills me seeing her blow up like this and not knowing why. She is my wife after all and I love her. Even if she doesn't love me any more, why did she get so mad and seems to take it out on me? I am driving myself nuts thinking about this and I am losing common sense. I am tricked into thinking that I am a bad person and a bad husband, and I begin to hate myself. I am beyond heart-broken.

Now we are talking about divorce again. And I need to get back to the "norm" becuase she is driving both of us crazy, and I am afriad to make bad decisions going forward.

What will be my most effective response to her, whether she blows up again or not?

Perhaps what you are experiencing now is the new norm.


What I am about to suggest is perhaps a worst case scenario.


If she does not love you anymore she will feel trapped. Almost anything you do can annoy her. The harder you try, the more annoying you will become to her.


If this is the case, you have to ask yourself if you want to live like this for the next few years, until ultimately you get divorced, or one of you ends up using anti-depressants. Or becoming bitter, twisted, and cynical.


If this is the case, it is better to end things now. Before any children arrive. That way both of you can move forward and have a chance of finding happiness with someone else. Life is not a rehersal, you only have one life. Why waste years trying to fix something that cannot be mended.


I suggest you both go for marriage counselling. Be prepared that the counsellor may tell you that it cannot be fixed. If they can help you fix things, great. If they can't then at least you can be content that you tried.


Remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work. If one has decided they don't want to do this anymore, it is over.



In my first marriage, I realised after a year that I did not love my wife. I should not have got married.

After a while, everything she did was annoying. I would blow up and almost cause fights to walk out of the house for some space. I made her life a misery for then next two years, until I finally left. One of the reasons I tried to hang on was for her sake, divorce could have serious implications for her career, and it did.

We were both good people, it is juest that we were a bad match.

Thank you. I begin to see things more clearly now, and maybe I was the one who is crazy and blind, not her. Yes, she often used the word "trapped", "annoyed" and things often get worse when I try to please her. I am prepared for the fact that she doesn't love me anymore, even thoug it is quite painful.

uh gill, hasn't weekly test already exactly done what you suggest?

why not have a heart-to-heart talk with her, guessing her feelings will only confuse u more.


If she is not in love anymore, to be fair to u she should let u know, like Tiger said, Why waste years trying to fix something that cannot be mended. Why love somebody who don't need your love.


Don't waste your time on fighting, it is too stressful and hope you can resolve your problem soon, good luck!!!

Thank you everyone. Yes we did get back together after both of us broke into tears. I think this is very true "Some women have a fairy tale expectation from a relationship and when they discover that it's not exactly like that ...they put all their frustration on their partner". And she often lets her anger develop without properly communicating the issue to me.

I wish she would be more emtionally aware, and if possible, talk to me about her frustration without yelling or screaming. I often feel whatever issues she has, she tends to take it on me because I am the "easy target". Yes, I've tried to listen to her, understand her, and tolerate her. But I think in a way I promote her abusive behavior - which she sometimes regrets afterwards.

How can I make her feel understood and listend to, but stop her from yelling and developing a rage at the same time?

Weekly-test,I feel for you and your wife.Marriage is indeed hard,and it may sometimes feel like it takes everything from you to make it work.But I assure you,if you work hard at it-of course both you and your wife- it may just workout.

But if at any case,you feel that you are at a point when you are being debased as a person,then maybe a short break from each other might be a good idea,just so both of you can have space away from each other.Sometimes,people dont really appreciate the good they have until it is taken from them.

I am not talking about divorce,just a temporary physical separation,maybe a few weeks.....

I was in a similar situation more than 2 years ago...

We had moved to HK with our newborn son then.....

Relocation is a very frightening thing for anyone,much more if you are person left at home,the partner who has to wait for the husband/wife to come home from work.

A new home,no friends,no family ,no job...... it is very daunting:(

The most difficult thing to cope with,for a former working independent girl after wedding is losing her independence..... it may sound trivial,but it's not.If you have been taking care of yourself for years,and suddenly you have to rely on someone to give you what you need and want,it is very hard on the psyche.

I know you feel that you've done everything that you could to save your marriage,but please persevere,ask help,reach out to family and friends and to each other,and most of all,pray hard and harder,God doesnt give us burdens that we cannot bear!

God willing,someday,hopefully when you get past this situation and your marriage survives the test, both you and your wife will look back and just laugh about this.

I know it's possible to -laugh about it- ,my husband and I are able to... As we both jokingly tell each other, THIS IS IT!!!!!, this is marriage,it's hard,it's a struggle,but may just be all worth it :)

Weekly_Test,

I went through the thread and found so many good ideas and advices given from both men & women perspective. I wish I could have came to know this site 3 years ago when my life hit rock bottom.


I am not sure anyone out there has seen the movie "Fireproof" ? Perhaps you might want to check it out and watch it together with your wife. It is such a great movie talking about ways to help a couple rekindled their broken marriage/love. I was made aware of this movie thru a Fund Raising event I attended few days ago. It is kinda religious film, so watch it with an open mind. I am not a religious person, by saying that I am NOT being disrespectful to anyone. But the movie itself really touched my heart and it is so true about marriage/relationship/love and how to get through the difficult time either alone or together...... I hope you can get something out of it just like I did...


Sincerely hope things work out for both of you....

Ooohhh, I know what my advice would be, but its worthless coz you, bruh, have to come to your final decision on your lonesome. Its a tough call...when you are ready, be it tomorrow or 30 years later you will know it was the right decision.