How to tell a child about his dad?

Broke up with partner when my son was 1 year old. At the age of 3 now, he starts to ask about his dad…it is really sad for me to see his disappointed little face. The fact is his dad does not want to see him and no financial support whatsoever. What is the best way to tell him about his dad without having a bad image of his dad?

if that's the case, i would say the dad has passed away and solve it once and for all, since the dad doesn't want to see the kid anyway. And you wouldn't want the kid to ask why the dad has left and that you wouldn't create any bad image.

Wait a minute...the important thing in life is to not tell lies. Its better to be honest than to live a lie. What part of "bad image" are you trying to salvage here? I mean, is there any other option to whats up with his dad totally jetting on him and you? Its up to you...just be aware that the lies you tell come back to bite you in the a** anyway. I think the key to how you tell your son is kindness. Tell him that "Mom and Dad loved each other once but then that didnt last...but the main part, the best part, is that Mom had you and you are the part of Mom's life that makes everything worthwhile." The simple fact of the matter is that Dad left, you dont know why he doesnt want any contact with your son, but that he is not the only one Dad left, Dad left you too. So the two of you have this common bond.


You may feel uncomfortable answering a 3 year old's questions, but if you cant be honest with your child now and treat him like the little adult he will one day be, you are doing him a great disservice. You dont have to be bitter or anything, just emphasise that the main thing is that you are there, you love him and that you wouldnt change a thing in your life for a minute if it meant you would not have him as your son. I was very honest with my son about why we, his parents, split. I told him we no longer loved each other and were actually getting pretty mean to each other because of it...but he knows, because I told him, that it wasnt his fault, it was just two people incapable of getting along. This is the story he got from when we split (18months old) until today. He knows now that it wasnt his fault and he's never been lied to, he knows he is loved.


Be strong, you can do it. You are his mother, just do the best you can to bring your child up with the right way of thinking. Honesty, integrity and a whole lot of love and kindness. You are the adult in his life, you are one of the main positive role models the kidlet can have. Avoidance is only delaying dealing with the problem, the problem itself will not go away, so deal with it. Telling him his father is dead will only delay dealing with the truth...plus you will carry that lie all through life. What if one day his father has a change of heart and tracks him down? Exactly...you will be the liar and Dad will be the wonderful guy who came back into his life like some long lost knight. Simple thing, dont lie. Dont be bitter either (eg: Your Dad was a horrible man who left you coz he's a jerk), just be honest without being cruel.


Peace.

I am a Mum myself and I understand how you feel and how much you don't want to hurt your child. I agree with JC, you shouldn't lie about it and kids are just way too smart these days. Be honest with him and don't badmouth his Dad, which I am sure you won't because you are a good Mum you can tell. It might get a bit rough at the begining after the truth but honesty would be much better in a long run. I admire those single parents out there like you, brave, kind and responsible. Wish you and your family all the happiness.

Thanks all of you. Yes, I don’t want to lie to him and I don’t want to say anything bad and does not want to tell him that his dad does not support him. I want he has a feeling that his mum and dad loved each other and brought him to the world.


JC - Thanks for your good advices. I think it is a good and loving way to tell him and surely he can carry these messages all the way till he grew up. But at his age now (will turn to 3 soon), am not sure how much will he get. He goes to pre-school and my helper also bring to attend some playgroups. He is a happy boy and get along with kids as well as kids’ parents, especially some kids’ dads. So sometimes, he came back and asked for daddy….and recently said ‘I want daddy’ which really made me feel bad and don’t know how to respond. Do you have any easy/simple way that I can tell him the situation at his age now?


Ms – Thanks for your encouragement. I have a beautiful son with me, so I can’t ask more. But sometimes, it is quite difficult when people asked about his dad, especially there are lot of different school activities (I tried not to miss any of them).

I think what you are seeing is that your son is now becoming more aware of the world around him and how in the one way, he is a little different from the other kids. For a child that age, as flashback said, stories may be the easiest way to begin to communicate it to him. He's still very young, and I know you dont want him to be subjected to feeling different, but the truth of the matter is that his family life is different.


All the stories they come up with at school have a mom, dad and brothers, sisters, etc...and a dog named spot, lets not forget that! My son was initially aware that his parents were unlike others when he had to explain in class how he had two homes. That was probably tough on him, but he adapted...and then of course as he grew older, he got to asking about when he might get a sibling like most of his friends had...yep, another hurdle when he was told he may have to wait a long while or be aware he may never get that chance. Tough on the poor kid, parents split up, being shipped from house to house, no siblings...*shrug*.


Deal with each little thing one day at a time. Right now you explain to him the way you can, dont worry too much about how much of it he grasps, one day he will grasp it all. You dont have to treat him like a baby, explain it to him as if he would understand everything you say....he may not ask questions at 3 years old, but he will have more questions as he grows older.

Thanks again for all your advices. Contacted his dad but he did not want to reply. Bumped each other in the supermarket and street but went ahead after a glance on his son.



Trying to search stories about a single parent family and children in different family situations in Internet this morning but not much hope. Most of them are related to divorce, two homes, parent absent due to dead, business trip, etc. No related about a parent exist but not see the child.


flashback - do you know any source that I can find good stories about this situation?

Hay AliasE, I too am a single mum here in HK and its tough work my son is now 6 and his father and I broke up when he was around 1 so I know exactly where you are now .... however when we sill lived in our home country his father did see him sparingly on his time schedule ... I also got the line of questioning at different stages in my sons life and I tackled them as they came without too much thought into the future as the future is always subject to changes


Justin is 100 % correct NEVER lie and keep it simple ... you dont need to say his father loves him if you dont think he does just enforce the love you have for him


Dont worry too much about what he will and will not understand, as even if you do make it simple the answers will never be enough to fill the void left ... my son asks less and less now days and when he does ask I keep it simple .. 'your dad lives in another country now maybe you will see him again one day' ..


The early days were the toughest though I remember times when my son would cry and ask where his daddy was I would just hold him tight and cry with him and remind him that mummy was there always and that I couldnt answer for his daddy


There is no simple answer for you different things will work for different situations there is no easy escape from this situation whether you choose it or not it is the hand you have been dealt and there is no magic phrase to take the pain of it away ... keep in mind though your son is VERY aware of the pain the situation causes you and this too can affect his perception of the whole thing so try to keep your emotions in check ..


Good luck to you .............

Would like to thanks again to all of your valuable advices. I have started to work on it, telling my son about different families have different pictures by taking his little friends' families into examples over the weekend. He seems to understand though sometime keeps asking 'where is another country'...'where is England'...'where is he coming', etc. but does not force into it. He even asked less about his but asked more on his friends'...poor little thing. Later, I will try to make a family book which has most of the pictures with his little friends' families and of course most important is his own one. He loves to read book with me when he goes to sleep or take nap.



I have a sort of direction on how to deal with it now and will keep adjust it according to my son's needs.



JC, flashback - thanks again for your sincere help on this treat. Yes, I start to think about the child maintenance after a friend said that I should not have only thinking of myself but my son, as he has a long way to go till he is 18 and he has all the right to ask for. I am still don't know how difficult the process will be but surely it will not be easy at all based on his father's characters. Another thing is, I don't want to spend too much on it as my son has started his school life.



Bexly - I am sure I will pass through it just likes you did with less negative impact on our sons as possible.

I have an adopted child and I have told him this in various ways since he was a small child. He was brought into world through love but for whatever reasons his biological parents felt unable to contribute to his life. Never the less I am sure they wonder about him just like he wonders about them. I found it easier to start explaining young that way he took things in, in the bite size pieces he needed to. Today he is healthy confindent teen who still wonders but without sadness or bitterness. I know your sitiuation isn't exactly the same but I hope this will help. I feel it very important not to demonize the uninvolved parent in your explanation whether it be warranted or not because it never does the child any good.

Hi,


I'm a kindergarten teacher, and I would like to second the idea to read him stories about characters who only have a mummy or only have a daddy. My students find it difficult to understand abstract ideas, if it's not right in front of them. If you show him other examples, like books, he will be able to understand that he's not the only one.


Children need to broach difficult subjects from a number of angles. You could also try drawing pictures with him, ask him to sit down and draw his family.


Being honest with children is really the best policy, and it helps them to learn about the world around them. And it stops them for being mad at you for lying when they get older and learn the truth by themselves.


I wish you all the best, your son sounds like a little star.