Posted by
San12
17 yrs ago
Would you consider a long term relationship with a guy who:
(1) Drinks several times a week, be it with clients he has to entertain or friends
(2) Considers it a job perk that his drinks are paid for
(3) Jokes that he's a hardcore drinker
(4) Thinks that doing nothing but staying indoor and drinking in winter is a great way to live
(5) Cares more about the alcohol content than the taste of the drink
(6) Jokes about how drinking is his life/ religious philosophy
I'm Asian and understand that Western men drink more than we do. Just wondering if I'm getting more concerned than I should.
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I would agree with flashback especially since you said that he cares more about the alcohol content then the taste of the drink, that sounds very dangerous.
Also staying indoors and drinking is dangerous, it is usually not a problem if you drink and exercise regularly. Plus you have to abstain from drinking once in a while so your body can regenerate/recuperate, alcohol affects your brain and affects your liver.
Western men in general do drink more than asians, but not this excessively. It would also be interesting to know how old your bloke is, the older the more dangerous for his health....
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San12
17 yrs ago
He's 35 and part of his job involves taking clients out for dinner and drinks. They can stay up as late as 2am on a weeknight drinking. He considers 2-3 weeks a "long time" to not have had a drink. We were talking about religion once, and he joked he was starting his own religion and the philosophy would be "Every hour is happy hour". Almost every time I talk to him, we would talk about drinking because he was just out with a client/friend the night before or he would be out for another round soon.
The best part is, this man doesn't think he has a problem!
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Most alcoholics do not think they are alcoholics. My ex drank every single night, I'm not exaggerating one bit, he would finish AT LEAST one bottle of red wine by himself over dinner, if dinners took longer, than he would order another bottle/glass. If we went home early enough, he would open a bottle of white, and finish it, or at east have 2 - 3 glasses until he had to go to sleep.
And since I did not drink, he was drinking all by himself. He had to get DRUNK before he went to bed. The next morning, he would not remember one thing he said the previous night.
AND he said he wasn't an alcoholic, or else he would have started drinking by lunch time.
Can you imagine what kind of life I was living with this man?
Sometimes, it doesn't really matter what they say, if you, as their other halves, felt something's not right, then something's not right.
Good luck, dear. Really, do not do this to yourself.
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has he ever really stopped for 2-3 weeks?
hmm what can you say about drinking?? I don't think I ever had more than a five minute interesting conversation about drinking...
Well, I wouldn't be able to have more than 3 dates with this kind of man...
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San12
17 yrs ago
TwinkleTwinkleLittleThing, I empathise totally. I understand the kind of frustration you feel. Did you talk to him about this problem and did he ever change?
Chris79, no idea whether he's ever stopped. I once said that I like to have a drink once in a while but I wouldn't miss it if I didn't drink for a long time. That's when he said yes, there have been times when he's not had a drink for 2-3 weeks. Even then, 2-3 weeks is hardly a long time!
When we talk about drinking, it's usually in the context of "how have you been" or "what have you been up to". We usually move quickly into another topic.
He's actually quite fun to talk to because he's smart, well-read, and witty. In many ways, he's also a nice guy. BUT there's no way I'm going to be in a relationship with an alocholic. So I'm probably going to give him a miss.
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Well,
From my perspective, not knowing exactly what he drinks and judging from your explanations so far, I think it would indeed be best if you give him a miss, it is no use getting into a relationship where a thing such as this is already causing frustration from your side. Arguing in the relationship about his drinking is not going to help much either, it will make you both feel bad and I think relationships should be there to btoht feel good or feel better at least.
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San12
17 yrs ago
bayleafhk, he really drinks as much as he says he does. You're welcome to have him. But aren't you a guy?
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Hong Kong is a place where many people drink very heavily and consider it normal. Men and women. If you don't drink, then a relationship with a heavy drinker is not viable. I was a light drinker who became a heavy drinker
(Social by HK standards!). A 100% party animal who always had male and female friends that also drank heavily. After a while I was drinking really fast, blacking out - I'm told I had a great time and there were still plenty of girls and laughs but I always had a drink in my hand.
Now I don't drink, I don't miss it, I have new interests. I actually remember the beautiful girls and I still party, only I don't drink alcohol and it's a lot cheaper. When I tell people who drink, why I don't drink, I can see in their faces a look of "There but for the grace of god go I". Nobody pressures me.
I feel no desire to return to the old life. For me I got a wake up call in time. Sadly, some people just aren't able to stop.
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San12
17 yrs ago
Yes I agree... somehow people party and drink a lot when they come to Hong Kong. I guess it's a good way to meet people when you have just arrived and know no one.
lambada, you remind me of another reason why I don't want to date a heavy drinker/party animal- because flings and one-night-stands are more readily available, and it's hard to say "no" after a few drinks and you're pumped up from all that partying. Good to know you've walked away from it all. What gave you the wake-up call?
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I dated a man ONCE who talked non stop about what and where he drinks all over the world. It was just freaky. I'd known him for a while and knew he drank a lot but did not know it ruled his life. It was just one long boring date.
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San12
17 yrs ago
Well, we are still in the getting-to-know-you stage, so I've decided to distance myself away from him and not go out with him anymore. After all, there are lots of other catches out there, not just those who drink like a fish ;)
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Just my pennies worth to the thread.
Like so many of those who come here to HK I started to drink a lot because it was the easiest way to socialize and because at the time there wasn't much else to do here in HK. However, I discovered that over time, I was finding myself wanting to drink more and more. When I finished work I was bored so I would hang out with the guys and before I knew it 1 beer 2 beer 7 beers later. If I am honest with myself this would happen probably every second night. At the weekend I would go for lunch and have 1 beer 2 beer then bang 7 beers. Am I an alcoholic? Good question. To put it to the test I decided that I would take a break from drinking to see if I was. The reasons are clear and simple; 1. I stopped smoking 3 weeks ago and discovered that i was drinking to excess as in having many blank spots in my memory of the previous night. 2. I lost my temper with a loved one and I don't really know why. 3. I am putting on weight.
So to answer you san 12, how about asking your other other half if he can cope for a couple of weeks without. If he can't well he really has a problem. The so called peer pressure thing is bollocks. That is easy to get round. I am on antibiotics! I am trying to loose weight! It's easy.
As for me I think I will stay off the booze for a bit longer. Perhaps I will leave it as a treat for once a week. I was a slave to smoking. I will not become a slave to booze. So far I have been very lucky, after trying to give up smoking for so long; on my birthday I just stopped with no cravings. After my drunken behavior a couple of weeks ago I am glad I stopped. I have more energy. Loosing weight really fast and enjoying life more.
So I guess the old saying is true "MODERATION IS THE WORD"
All the best
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San12
17 yrs ago
the bird.. woah, all that aggression! Please don't tell me your name is E***, the world cannot be that small! No one is calling you an alcoholic, so don't take things so personally mate.
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Have any of you ever dated someone who, no, did not drink when s/he got up in the morning but could not go anywhere that would not have a bar....had to spike his/her cola at the cinema with rum and always had a cold 6 pack of beer on the golf course? It's just a drag.
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I am around a lot of heavy drinkers and I just do not know how they are able to get up and go to work and function everyday.
So, I guess I'm saying that maybe we are not all effected by alcohol in the same way.
I will stick with moderation and looking good when I'm old to be on the safe side.
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selda
17 yrs ago
San12,
i read your list ...and am reading it again...the choice to start a relationship with this guy is yours...but i wouldn't regard him as an alcoholic.
1) Drinks several times a week, be it with clients he has to entertain or friends
OK, i and 90% of my friends do the same. It might be sharing a bottle of wine with some tapas on Tuesday, a c*cktail night with girlfriends on Thursday and vodka tonics on Friday night, a bbq with a few cans of lager on Saturday.
I wouldn't think this is the behaviour of an alcoholic...i still go to the gym everyday, go hiking on Sundays, and never missed a day at work because of a hangover. I make sure i stop before i get one...or just drink some ginger tea, take a paracetamol and go to work anyway. No worse than having my period or catching a cold.
(2) Considers it a job perk that his drinks are paid for
Given the cost of drinks in HK, i would be very happy if my employer picked up the tab...unfortunately i am in the wrong industry for that.
(3) Jokes that he's a hardcore drinker
I only did that when i was 15...now i am perfectly aware of the fact that i am a feather weight...but what's wrong with a joke? maybe he likes to boast.
(4) Thinks that doing nothing but staying indoor and drinking in winter is a great way to live
If you live in a cold country and your heating is not working too well, alcohol helps to keep warm.
I use a hot water bottle when i am alone, but with company i'd rather share a bottle of red.
(5) Cares more about the alcohol content than the taste of the drink
That's wrong. People shouldn't drink cologne or anti-freeze, it tastes awful and is very bad for your health. The same applies to methanol. But honestly, unless you are homeless in Russia or the Ukraine, you have no need to drink that stuff.
(6) Jokes about how drinking is his life/ religious philosophy
Again, nothing wrong with a joke. Religion can be more dangerous than alcohol...and many great philosphers, starting from Socrates, claimed that being drunk helped seeing things from a different angle. Not too mention poets, writers...etc. Most of the greatest would have probably been dismissed as alcoholics in this thread.
So, if you don't enjoy drinking, i can understand it might be difficult to relate, but from what you said, i wouldn't conclude that this guy has a drinking problem.
I never blacked out, and have seldom ended up in the wrong bed...and if i did, i wouldn't blame alcohol for that, just my natural horniness, which sometimes made me kiss a toad in the hope he would turn into a prince.
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San12
17 yrs ago
selda, when I refer to an alcoholic, I mean someone whose life is controlled by alcohol and cannot live without it. Let me tell you more about my friend:
(1) Drinks several times a week, be it with clients he has to entertain or friends
Almost everytime I talk to him, he would tell me about the drinks he's had the night before, how he's still recovering from drinks till 2am the night before (and this is on a weeknight), how he's planning to meet friends for more drinks etc.
This guy drinks almost every night, even on a Monday night where everyone else is taking a break. This is the mark of hardcore drinkers he said and he was happy to identify himself as one.
He doesn't tell me whether he's blacked out or missed out from a night of drinking. But he simply cannot live without alcohol. It's his life. He has to have it. To him, having to do without a drink in 2-3 weeks would be like a long long looooong time.
(2) Considers it a job perk that his drinks are paid for
He has a good well-paid job and is probably on an expat package with many perks. It's telling which one he highlighted.
(3) Jokes that he's a hardcore drinker
Maybe this is a boast. But "hardcore drinker" is clearly how he identifies himself. He's proud to be one.
(4) Thinks that doing nothing but staying indoor and drinking in winter is a great way to live
It's not about keeping warm, it's about having fun. To this guy, drinking is fun. No other diversion is needed. Drinking alone is the be-all, end-all. He's happy and content with a drink in hand, no need for going out or doing anything else for that matter.
(5) Cares more about the alcohol content than the taste of the drink
Clearly, this guy drinks to get drunk, not for the enjoyment of the drink. Who in his right mind actually thinks that it's nice to drink stuff that tastes like turpentine anyway?
(6) Jokes about how drinking is his life/ religious philosophy
Actually, many poets, writers, artists are alcoholics. So they produced great work when they were drunk. But still, they're alcoholic. And why are we justifying why some people have to be alcoholic?
Shall we steer clear of personal examples in this thread? We're talking about my friend here, not posters on this thread and I'm concerned this thread will degenerate quickly into personal attacks. Thanks all for understanding!
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San12
17 yrs ago
Maybe his ability to hold his alcohol is what sets him apart from the rest, among his colleagues and friends. But you're right, his personal identity is very much tied to drinking. Have no idea if he's overcompensating... he has nothing to compensate for in my eyes...
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San12
17 yrs ago
Nah, I've moved on already. We're just friends and I haven't known him that long.
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being and alcoholic means you cant function without alcohol in your system.
if someone drinks heavily when out partying with freinds doesnt mean that that person is and alchee..
im a drinker,i drink when out with friends.. i do get drunk a lot before.. but im not an alchee. i dont crave alcohol i can go tee total if i want.
it may be a case of lifestyle incompatibilty. youre not a drinker and he's a drinker.
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San12
17 yrs ago
Actually I drink and have a pretty good alcohol tolerance. When I go on business trips to Beijing, I'm one of the few girls who down bai jiu (53% alcohol) with the Chinese partners. But I can go without alcohol for months and months and months and not miss it. Perhaps therein lies the difference between my friend and I.
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well there you go. you are a very light drinker. and he is a heavy drinker.
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San you are drinking rocket fuel(53% lol many would die from the fumes alone.
There are many forms of alcoholism.Binge drinking for one can be more dangerous than a couple of drinks with a meal every few days.
Part of European culture to have a glass of vino with the evening meal and in Australia Friday nights at the pub are always on.I'm a two pot screamer unfortunately,so never more than two or I'm cactus in the morning.
Your friend San falls into the habitual drinker category maybe you fall into the binge.Alcohol is a social crutch and I have many friends who can drink anyone under the table and some friends who drink in moderation.
You can't change him only he can change himself and wanting to change his habits is the first step.If he's a happy drunk with you then maybe you can sort something out but if he has blackouts,moodswings,violent tendencies,any other symptom to do with alcohol problems well give it a wide bearth.
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San12
17 yrs ago
momo8, did i mention I drank bai jiu during business trips i.e. because I have to? Bai Jiu tastes like jet fuel and there's no way I'll ever drink it for leisure. Not much of a binge drinker, sorry to disappoint, the China partners often let me stop when I want to because I'm a girl (I pity my boss and the rest of the guys though :p).
My friend in contrast drinks a lot and often. Anyway, I've moved on.
Time to let this thread die?
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I know all about the gangbei tradition thing in China.Sorry my comments came across as inappropriate.Good you moved on.
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maxis
17 yrs ago
Never ever date a hard boozer or alky, male or female.
You can never stop/change them, only they can change themselves and often need much work.
many try to be a rescuer, but those relationships are futile, dissatisfying and are simply a waste of time if you are even 1/2 serious about the boozer.
Seen it all before, seems like fun, ends in tears and heartache - and always will!
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"Leaving Las Vegas" is a good movie to watch on this subject. It was recommended to a heavy drinking friend of mine by her psychiatrist.
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Life is actually more fun when you're not half cut. I used to say exactly the same things as Bird. "Nothing so loathsome as a sober or light drinker". Life was one long party, girls, booze, laughs, Mr walking ATM. Successful, happy and living the middle aged daydream. I never ever considered myself a heavy drinker. Then one day I looked around, looked at myself, looked at my friends and stopped. The sun still shone....
There is nothing boring about me, then or now, I just have a wider circle of friends, nore money and energy, and remember where and who I was with. Once you cut away the bull... it's just another drug and it's so damned expensive in Hong Kong.
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