Posted by
'o_o'
16 yrs ago
And I cannot believe that this marriage has lasted as long as it has.
We have lived in HK for less than 3 yrs and I am given an allowance of HK10,000 a month! Nothing extra at all. All the housing expenses ie bills and groceries, extracurricular activities of the children, clothes etc must come fr the 'budget' above.
I am refused a credit card and am always scared if an emergency arises esp when he is not around, I will be in a panic situation. I do not shop for myself and have told him tonnes of times that what he gives me is NOT enough. He makes enough money but is obsessed with saving for a rainy day. This may be a good characteristic but c'mon, we dont go on holidays, and dont go out to restaurants much at all. What a sucky life!!
I hate being this way and have threathened to leave many times but my kids are so attached to their dad. Just do not know what to do. I wish I was not dependent on him.
Please support our advertisers:
'o_o'
16 yrs ago
I obviously have tried my best to get a job, but to no avail as the current economic condition does not permit it.
Please support our advertisers:
Quite frankly, I can't explain why married couple with children don't have joint accounts other than not trusting the other, which would make marriage unbearable anyway. Has he any reason not to trust you (gambling habits, drugs? -just kidding) or does he base his attitude on some crazy ex (in which case he should have noticed you're not like her by now). He is incredibly and unjustifyably mean!! This behaviour is unacceptable and as said above it is about control. He's treating you like a friggin' infant!! What if the situation was reversed, how would HE feel if you were the one with the job and he was supposed to get by on an "allowance"? Wouldn't he feel patronised and trapped?
Again agreed with the above, get a job, anything at all. Help at your kid's school or something. If your English is good enough (and from reading you I believe it is) there is no reason why you coudn't find something, even part-time teaching some skill that you have. Try your consulate or chamber of commerce, they are frequently looking for temps/part time with visa or something.
Of course, he might take that as an excuse to reduce you allowance, but at least you will have some money of your own, in your own account and that will give him something to think about. Controlling guys start getting fidgetty if you find yourself a way out.
You must take it up with him and get counselling. It's not about you "wanting money" but about respect! If he does not agree to counselling, get yourself sorted with a job and money and get out of this marriage before you reach the learned helplessness as described by busywoman. She's completely right about this. I have seen it happen to a good friend of mine and she is now well and truly trapped in a depressing life with a controlling and abusive husband.
Much as I love her, she wasn't strong enough when there was still time (ie when he hadn't completely destroyed her self-confidence) to do something about it and has indirectly allowed it to happen to her. Don't make the same mistake. If you don't do anything, you'll be sorry, and no amount of "there was nothing I could do" will make you feel better. Get tough, chin up, no reason why you can't get yourself a better life. C'mon, girl!!
Please support our advertisers:
It seems that the issue is about money and does not include abuse or other types of controlling behaviour.
I don't know if this is the case here. In mixed marriages, like mine, there are cultural aspects about money.
I am from the UK and spend money like water.
My spouse is from mainland China and very careful with money. I jokingly call my spouse the Financial Director, but the money is put to work and we do more than OK. The fear of illness in old age, with no welfare state to fall back on, is a driving factor for fiscal prudence in our house. As is having to send kids to school and paying for university.
Please support our advertisers:
It is all well and good to advise your spouse - no matter what your culture or sex is- to be careful with money, and quite another to make sure she doesn't have any spare dollar. Tigerbay, I assume you hubby does not bar you from having a credit card or otherwise control what you can or cannot spend the household money on. I also expect you have your own income and while you accept your husband's prudence, at least you have the freedom to make your own spending choices.
That is a huge difference between your marriage and what the OP is experiencing. Hers is clearly a control issue, and while we all must spend our money wisely, she is being treated like a child, and that is not acceptable no matter her or her husband's culture. She couldn't even buy a plane ticket to leave this place if she wanted to: she is trapped and he is controlling her with money.
Please support our advertisers:
'o_o'
16 yrs ago
Most, if not all of you, have provided me with sage advice to overcome this problem I am facing. For this, I thank you. However, here are some issues I face:-
1. Yes, this is a mixed marriage but I do not believe it has any bearing at all.
2. No, I do not need any further skills as I have a double degree and am contemplating doing my masters but for the lack of financial resources. Unfortunately obtaining a job in this current economic climate is virtually impossible.
3. Yes, he has been like this in our previous expat posting and No, he does not have reason not to trust me as I do not have gambling or drug habits....:-)
4. Yes, I do believe it is a control issue and this is incredibly tough for me as I was a highly independent and successful career woman in my past life and gave up so much to live the expat life with him.
At the same time he is obsessed about saving enough for the future and I do credit him for that. But this obsession has become almost freaky! I cant even squirrel away some money from my monthly budget bec I am in the negative half the time. I have shown him all my receipts and my account breakdown. All the man does is tell me to cut back on some items. Jeez! We do have good times but this money issue is killing our relationship.
And to put salt to the wound, he even wanted me to stop my little boy from going to his playgroup bec he felt that paying 3,500 monthly for a 2.5yr old was unjustifiable. I had to put my foot down for obvious reasons!
Its true, I cant even buy a plane ticket to leave, I have absolutely NO money and this is taking such a great toll on me.
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
o_o, Forget my nonsense about crappy jobs, i didn't realise you had qualifications. May I ask what your job qualifications are? If you had a great career before then surely there is something you can do!
Do you have reasons to suspect your previous independance was a threat to him before? That might be a reason why he's trying to keep you under control now. Or is he worried because your not working anymore leaves him in the sole breadwinner shoes?
Also, sometimes, when people first move to HK, they are freaked by the housing costs and some vow never to pay the Mid-Levels rents or never to become a spoiled expat ordering a maid around, then they "adjust" to the lifestyle in HK and start to relax. Not that spending mad amounts of money is a good thing to get used to, but you know what I mean. Maybe he just needs to get used to HK?
Please support our advertisers:
Quite right about the ten years time thing. Address this problem seriously (no more arguing and showing your receipts, time to get tough!) and you may be happier later, with him or somebody else.
If you follow billybally's advice, next time you take up the issue with him, don't say "if you don't listen to me I'll leave, I will", but come forward with a "I've seen a lawyer, (s)he says that i'm entitled to this and that in case of divorce, so unless you are prepared to change, (s)he has divorce procedures with my signature on it that's just a phone call away from being filed". You'll get his full attention that way for sure.
You don't even need money to see that lawyer, just make a free appointment with Legal Aid or whatever it's called.
Also (and sorry to insist on this but): GET A JOB!! Even if HK is a 50/50 place, you'll need money until your 50% comes in and you are well and truly stuck (to be polite) without cash.
Please support our advertisers:
I agree. Always had a joint a/c with my ex-wife. We worked as a partnership - I did the day job at the office, hers was at home looking after the kids - a job more demanding of respect than mine. Need to take the bull by the horns. Tell him the money is not enough, that you want a joint account and that, if he doesn't like it he can frick off. Mean b****rd
Please support our advertisers:
$10,000 is a lot of money to use especially if you don't have to use it to pay rent.
Lots of families in HK survive on a lot less than that.
He's probably not giving you a credit card in case you go wild shopping for all the designer clothes etc.
At least in this credit crunch, you know that your husband has money for you and the kids.
I understand about the credit card and emergencies. If he doesn't give you a credit card, then can you ask for emergency cash stash at home. After all, cash is king these days.
What is your situation? Did you work before you meet him? did you have your own income? Do you know how much money he has ? I think it is a trust and insecurity issue and control issue on his part.
YOu have to sit and talk with him.
Your situation is not that bad. I know someone who doesn't give his wife any money, anything she needs he has to go with her and approve it even a haircut...talk about control freak. She doesn't even have the key to the front door of the house to go as she pleases.
Please support our advertisers:
istrade, you don't get it, it's not about the OP being greedy (!!!unbelievable conclusion to draw from her posts!!), it's about her being treated w/ respect. If hubby suspects she will spend the money away stupidly, then he doesn't think of her as a responsible adult. He is treating her like a unreliable child, which is totally unacceptable from spouse to spouse.
How would YOU feel if you were in her shoes? If your spouse didn't trust you and grudginly gave you every little cent you need, and you had to show receipts et all, like a 10 year old sent out to get the newspaper and having to turn in the change???
SERIOUSLY, re-read her posts and tell me that if it were you, you'd be perfectly happy and thought it was only fair that your spouse controlled and double checked your expenses??? She's not his bloody accountant, she's his WIFE!
Please support our advertisers:
What if she is frivolous with her spending? What if she does act like a irresponsible child? This whole discussion is so one-sided. I find it hard to believe that he has to exercise such a tight constraint on her if she had no problem or history before. I don't think she would've married him/had kids with him if he was a ridiculous person like that. There's more to the story than what the OP is giving us. The bias is strong in this one.
Please support our advertisers:
'o_o'
16 yrs ago
Elsdon, I'm in my mid-thirties and I started working at the age of 17 to pay for my school tuition (with partial help fr my parents). Trust me, frivolous I am not. I think at least 3 times before deciding to make a purchase. He does exercise tight restraint bec he was brought up to be frugal. We are not poor, and will never be poor. There is no reason for him to be a tight-wad when it comes to $$.
Istrade, a woman who has given up her previous life which included an excellent career, her own apt and a wonderful life to travel halfway across the world with the man she loves, needs a little more, and by that I mean some form of financial security. I am the opposite of spendthrift (I hate shopping and sales!) By emergency, I mean medical (we dont even have medical insurance...but I wont go into that!). How would you feel if you were to experience a medical emergency and severely lack the funds to check into a hospital? What if your child were to break her arm and you need to rush her to a medical center? I mean c'mon, this life of mine borders on the ridiculous!
Zorglub, you are absolutely right. I need to get a job pronto. I am actively looking and am still going for interviews. I sincerely hope that something comes up soon.
I am so used to having my own income and being independent. It is such a demeaning downgrade for me to have to accept an allowance that doesnt even cover my monthly expenses (this is HK afterall).
Counselling, he refuses, thinks it is a waste of money. I've already done the "I've spoken to the embassy to obtain the necessary decree nisi forms etc" threat but it didn't work. Nothing seems to work!
Perhaps I should just up and leave but wait...I dont even have money for the plane tkts!
Please support our advertisers:
Spot on, busywoman.
o_o good on you for deciding enough was enough. I think the threats didn't work because you didn't follow up on them. Do so and you'll find out if he values your relationship or not. Then you'll know how to act.
Bestest of luck to you, woman, I'm so glad you have the ability to make yourself independant again.
(Man I wish i could help with the job hunting!)
Please support our advertisers:
Tell him that:
A) the bills will come out of HIS money
B) Your allowance is for...
1. kid's clothing
2. kid's extras
3. your extras
Tell him YOU wish to save some of the money for YOURSELF and the KIDS.
By the way, your husband is a controlling ego maniac A hole
Please support our advertisers:
o_o, concentrate on missmomo's advice, i think it's the soundest!
I hope you can ignore camping's post. There was really no need for name calling here, buddy, keep your insults to yourself.
Please support our advertisers:
Ed
16 yrs ago
Sorry I missed that - banned - deleted.
We are all friends here...
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
:O....the cheese would do it in this household!
Please support our advertisers:
Same thing as Dadda... give him rice or potatoes at every meal, don't wash his laundry anymore, take a shower every 3 days, wash your hair once a week... all this cost money !
Please support our advertisers:
Good advice Dadda, me as a mother, we must be creative in making menu or dish in order to save, there are foods that are nutritious but less cost. We must manage our finances wisely, we must think the future not only today., , so being a mother I cut expenses, I prioritized the needs of my children. make ways to help him in making money or earnings .if you have friends, you can do selling some items that are in season, meet new friends, perhaps in your school of your children, make yourself busy in earning in your own little way and enjoy, then your husband can realized it why you are doing those things. And not just depending to him and plain housewife. Time management is very important for us, mothers.
Please support our advertisers:
'o_o'
Perhaps you'll feel better learning of my situation. I too was an independent woman working overseas until I got married and had a child. For more than 2 years, I've followed my husband to 2 countries, and received NO allowance for anything. I'm now living in China and gets by on RMB2,400 (US$350) a month. This INCLUDES groceries for the house, drinking water, food and clothes for the 1.5yr old, and weekly cleaning of the apartment. As you would guess, I have absolutely nothing for myself. I don't go out, I can't hang out for "tea", I wear clothes from years before when I was still working. I've done perhaps what you've also done, gone into prolonged fights and arguments why I need money for myself. All they've achieved is increasing the unhappiness. My husband doesn't understand why I can't just be happy living in a decent apartment with a part tim ayi to help with childcare.
It's easier said than done to just up and leave. My husband defends his actions saying he's saving for our "nestegg" so the money is mine anyway. Which to me is bull s**t cos I don't have access to any of it. There have been times when he's travelled for work and I ran out of money and I have to call my friends overseas for help. I have been desperately looking for work too for the past 6 months (furiously for the past 3 months), but the jobs seem to have dried up. I too can go nowhere as I've no money of my own. No one will understand this kind of entrapment till they go through it.
I'm just glad there're some husbands out there like mine (tho yours is more generous).
Please support our advertisers:
My husband just became a scrooge recently. I dont have a flat allowance as I can just ask money from when I need to. And yes we do not have a joint account either but I have credit cards from him. First he told me to stop buying bottled water! He said most HKG people do not buy bottled water. I told him I've been drinking bottled water everysince a looong time ago. (Am not from HKG) Ok. after going through some research, I found that HKG water is safe to drink. So I've purchased a pitcher water filter. And now he wants me to ditch that too.... He said it is such a waste of money... Ugh..... Of course I'm definitely not going to do that as there is an obvious distinction between tap water and filtered water.
We also don't eat in expensive restaurants anymore and tea time has become a noodle shop instead of being in a comfortable nice place. Unless I'm the one paying for the meal.
Now, I'm starting to spend my own money from my savings before. I stopped working after having kids. But I cant keep on using my savings as it isnt a lot in the first place.
Sorry for the rant... I've got no solution except just to do some business on the side which is difficult for me to do since I'm not from here and don't speak the language.
Please support our advertisers:
So, don't you guys have parents back home that can help. Or family. There is always a way out.
You are 30 your parents should still be alive. If you a foreigner just get them to help. Or why not use the 10,000 RMB and escape.
Please support our advertisers:
Best way to mess with a man, mess up his food, no sex, disregard anything of importance to him.
Please support our advertisers:
KKE43
16 yrs ago
You are all a bunch of whinging SPOILT housewives ... GET OVER IT !!! Do you have a maid ? If so .. get rid of her .. and do your own housework and keep the money ...
I wouldnt say your husband is a scrooge ..but good with his money ... did you just not witness the GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS ...? HONESTLY ... you women make me sick ..
Oh and before you go on and say how would i know .. i am BORED OUT OF MY BRAINS .. I gave up my Job and family and luxuries to be here but my husband loves his job and is getting more money than in OZ .. and as much as i hated it .. at the end of the day ...he is always going to be the head of our family, and I cant even think of earning as much as he does.
Just so you are aware ...you dont make sacrifices for someone you love and care about... its a team effort, and if you guys arent a TEAM .. then you shouldnt be with your man.
Now get out there and explore Hong Kong ... there is heaps of free things to do there.
Oh and dont tell that you cant leave your husband cause of the kids .. in this day and age a women can do whatever .. you know that you will never get what he gets paid and live the life you have ...so stop KIDDING YOURSELF, cause you aint kidding me.
Please support our advertisers:
Woah there KKE43, you sound very angry. I am sensing this is more about your own situation and your projecting.
I am a single mum with a full-time job, veru little financial help from my ex so I provide. This means working very long hours and a lot of travel. However......
....even I can see that the issue is not about the money but about control.
You are right, there are some women who see it as their right to spend hubbys hard earned cash on clothes and lunch dates but this doesn't appear to be the case here.
'o_o' have you had any luck get help from your family? Hope the job hunt goes well. Good luck.
Please support our advertisers:
I see where everyone is coming from, KKE443 included, lol.
I think...yeeeaaahhh....there IS a global financial crisis on and well...OP hasnt been suffering the stingy husband only recently, the guy has been stingy all along! So give her a break, eh? I mean...10K with a kid, its tough, but as Vulvic and many others pointed out, this isnt about money with this guy, its pretty much a control thing. Saying stuff like "Oh fercryinoutloud! Go get a job!" is easy to say, but who is gonna be the one handing out jobs in this market? *SMH*
Hoo....
Marriage, eh? *SMH* I just cant say anything about all this without somehow putting my foot in my mouth, so I will stop there.
Please support our advertisers:
These are interesting times JC, that is for sure.
Christmas this year will be a bottle of ready mixed mulled wine, one mini christmas pudding and a cracker - between 4 of us. Can't wait.
Please support our advertisers:
Fried Mars Bar....my mouth is watering already.
Sage advice though Nemesis. Merry Chrimbo
Please support our advertisers:
hi,
here's your answer:
BYRON KATIE
THE WORKS
google it, youtube it, oprah it, get a grip on your life.
think what's best for your yourself.
good luck!
stephen
Please support our advertisers:
FTM2
16 yrs ago
3,500hkd for a playgroup? this is a huge chunk for your allowance! is it like nursery? Is there a time limit? Aren't playgroups supposed to be free?
I'm not defending your husband, but trying to understand where he's coming from as well.
o_o, i'm also in a mixed marriage and my husband would probably agree with many things your husband does. may i ask your husbands race? especially in this bad economy, my husband continually reminds me to save, save, save. he also believes we should save up for rainy days. he doesn't stop to remind me of saving even while I have a small part time job that covers for a major portion of monthly expenses.
BUT, he provides RMB and HKD credit cards and access the cash when I want it. Of course, he keeps a close eye on what i do with that money.
Was your husband raised in a humble household and watched his parents work extremely hard to improve lifestyle?
Please support our advertisers:
This argument has been thrown at o_o many time but it's neither here nor there. Those families who survive on 10K a month only HAVE 10k a month.
It's one thing to get by with a small salary, and quite another to be rationed with an allowance when the actual salary is huge.
If those HK families had 100K/month instead of 10, they would live quite differently.
Please support our advertisers:
FKKC
16 yrs ago
Ratio is the answer.....of course within reason.
Please support our advertisers:
Bet he spends more in the bars after work than he give's his poor wife miserable Ba****d!!! just dont buy him anything for dinner and say the kids needed to eat!!
Please support our advertisers:
Sorry O_O i think 10000$ a month is really not too bad. My uncle has divorced my auntie and this is the amount he's paying for her and their kids. Kids stay with the mum. And sorry he's giving you a credit card as well? So what are you complaining about?
People here says it's the power thing - i don't agree. You gain your own power by going out to work or be indepandent. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong so do i? Do you even have a maid? If you do i sugget you just go get a job and just stop whinging.
Local chinese do drink from the tap and im from here as well and i do not drink from the tap. Guess wot i do? I go and buy myself water! My fiancee (he's not from HK) thinks women are crazy to buy so many facial items for faces. He doesn't agree with me but guess wot? I go and buy myself. U don't always have to ask approval from ur husband. U do what you feel like if you can, better even use your own money and ask him to shut the hell up.
Well maybe you are giving him all the power, and it's not like he's trying to hav power over you. I think what he does is just what he thinks it's right to do, drink from the tap. He's more like expressing his feeling only. It's not a sign of showing he's cheap.
Alot of local people here earn HKD13000 or less a month. My rent of my flat alone is already HKD33000. How do we do it? We both work our arses off! My fiancee has a stable job and i have my own buz. I think if i give up on my job and just sit here to complain that he's giving me only HKD5000 a month and expect him to pay for the rent and everything else - i would feel really disgusted about myself!
You want things from the family you first have to support the family yourself! U can't just gave birth and then think "ok i've done my job ive given him a baby already" then u sit ur a** at home and whinge even when he's giving u money AND a credit card already. This behavior is just wrong - at least for me.
Please support our advertisers:
KAT8
16 yrs ago
neversaynever, I suggest you read the OP's comment in the beginning carefully.
Her husband didn't give her a credit card. She is not sitting at home doing nothing. She has child/children to take care of, and as you don't have any kids yet, you may not realise how much time and money they consume.
She is a competent woman who is very well educated and is looking for a job.
Since you have a business, why don't you offer her a job, so 0_0 can stop sitting at home and whinging as you have written above.
Please support our advertisers:
err... yeah, neversaynever, i don't know what you're so excited about.
Nothing in the OP suggests she sits on her arse at home moaning about not having money for facials, and it's clear she used to work and pay for herself as you seem to be so proud of doing yourself. Only she can't pay for her own things anymore coz she has no job (AND she's trying to remedy that)
Like Kat8, I suggest you actually read her posts before adding insults to her injuries by jumping to the conclusion that she's a spoiled housewife as other misinformed posters on this thread have done.
Please support our advertisers:
sorry i just read the whole thread now. Sorry for misreading.
Im feeling sorry if you can't find a job. If you can low your standard im sure you can find one tho.
Please support our advertisers:
Hear hear!
Well said, Flashback
Please support our advertisers:
"Women who sacrifice or put their careers on hold to stay at home and care for their children are to be commended. It is valuable work, and time well spent. Our society needs more children raised by loving parents who make the time for them."
Thankyou flashback - one day stay at home mum's won't have to search for such support on some obscure website.
Please support our advertisers:
Dadda - some cost cutting suggestions. Leave one of your clubs. Sell your car. Move somewhere else.
Perhaps you won't feel quite so poor then.
Please support our advertisers:
cd
16 yrs ago
I'd be lost without my car, its got to go into the garage tomorrow, and I'm already wondering how panicing kpon average it costs onl
Please support our advertisers:
cd
16 yrs ago
Ignore that last post of mine, pressed enter by mistake. Was just trying to say I'd be lost without my car, but its cheaper to run your own than have a leased one.
Agree with the club, we struggle financially every month, our club membership is our one big indulgence. It costs us on average $5k a month. But with kids its been a godsend, and we can eat out there 2 or 3 times a week for what we would pay eating once in a mid priced restaurant, so it means we get a better quality of life.
Please support our advertisers:
dadda - agreed. my post was meant to be tongue in cheek.
I think the OP's problem is more about feeling controlled than the actual amount of money she has to spend.
Please support our advertisers:
jushayward, maybe ye can point us to the exact location of this oasis of yours?! i want a piece of it!
Please support our advertisers:
Buy my book! "How to Succeed and Survive a Divorce".......good luck!
Please support our advertisers:
Please support our advertisers:
A very old thread has been resurrected here. Dead for over 500days. I thought this might be worth saying before anyone expends too much energy on trying to solve the problem.
Please support our advertisers:
< Back to main category
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail