Taking care of aging parents



ORIGINAL POST
Posted by tired 15 yrs ago
I am 33 y.o., single and have to take care of my aging parents. They are over 60 but haven't reached 65 yrs old yet, so they are not eligible for social assistance. Also, even if they are eligible, I doubt the gov't would pay enough. I pay for my parent's rent and most of their living costs. I am tired of taking care of them but they have no one else to help them. I am so tired. I really want to find a less stressful job but I need the pay to cover my entire family's living costs. I am also afraid to tell the guys I am dating about my current financial situation. My ex-boyfriend couldn't understand why I needed to live with my parents, and why I always don't have much money. He suspected I was either spending my money carelessly or just don't know how to save. I have never asked him for money. I just want to know if it is a relationship deal-breaker. If your girlfriend or boyfriend had to bear a long-term financial obligation such as aging parents, would that scare you away?

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COMMENTS
cookie09 15 yrs ago
i suspect your former b/f had an issue not because you support your parents but because you didn't tell him the whole story. else why would he suspect that you spend money carelessly or don't know how to save?


taking care of parents is to some degree normal, so i don't think it's an issue (except if you have three siblings and only one takes care)

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tigerbay 15 yrs ago
At the end of the day you need to think about what you want in a partner.

If you need somebody who will help you, respect your basic family values, and support you emotionally (financially not needed) then you should tell him

If it is a deal breaker for him, he is the wrong man for you in the long run.


But I doubt if it will be a deal breaker. The fact that you have been coping financially for 5 years, without him knowing, should reassure him that you are not just after his money.


And as has been suggested, he will probably appreciate and value your sense of loyalty and hard work.


My wife is Chinese, I am English. Her parents are still independant. But before we married I understood that when the day comes, her parents will come to live with us. I accept this as part of the culture I married into. In fact her mother has live with a couple of times, each time for a year. The other thing that helps is that Chinese parents are much easier to live with than English parents, from my experience anyway.


You should tell him, it will be one less burden for you to carry.

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libran25 15 yrs ago
Hi, i think what you are doing is great. There are guys out there who will appreciate what you are doing and your sense of responsibility .....i think the mistake you are making is not telling the person you are dating/bf about your situation, which obviously would lead to mis understandings... The right one for you will accept you for who you are and will appreciate what you are doing but you have to tell them & let them know upfront.


I also don't think its wrong to say you are tired....the stress, the responsibilities can burden you and at times seem overwhelming and there is no problem with venting... iwill try...just cause she says she is tired does not mean she is considering quitting & abandoning her family.

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Amparo Kia 15 yrs ago
Really bad impression - "I am tired of taking care of them (parents)..." and wants the government to take over..


Tired, you maybe tired but why do taxpayers' have to take care of your parents??? I agreed with Iwilltry, some ppl may think her reply a bit harsh but an ungrateful person is not one I would admire...

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sicn 15 yrs ago
You don’t make rules to others unless you live under the same roof. I am surprised that some people would even criticize the OP. I wonder whether any of us have done remotely close to what she have done for her parents. She is a 33 years old woman supporting her and her parents all by herself. When most of us hanging out with friends and going on holidays and pursuing our sweethearts or enjoying time with your wife/husband and kids, she is working hard to keep her jobs so that her family won’t live on the street.

I would be really tired and frustrated if I were in her shoes. Does she deserve a life of her own, especially for single lady at her age?

Parents in certain asian countries have put great effort and lots of sacrifice to raise their kids. They believe raising kids are to protect themselves when they get older. They put a lot of pressure to their children to work very hard from very young on to secure a better future. But I wonder what kind of love is this. Is it selfish or unconditional? Her parents are 60 something years old, if there is no prospect of a helpful husband in her future, what kind of life she is having? And without free time and space from her dependant parents, how much chance of her landing a husband, especially available good men are not abundant nowadays? I think that what the OP has done is very noble and loyal and no one has the right to tell her what she should or should not do.

My opinion is that if her parents are still healthy, there is nothing wrong to ask them to work some to help out a little. Also look harder to seek charitable help. Apart from indifferent government, there are still some good-willed people out there to help. And last, you’ve got to take care of yourself first. Your parents raised you with 4 hands and you are taking care 3 of you with two hands. You deserve a life and deserve to be happy.


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cookie09 15 yrs ago
iwilltry, i think you are putting a lot of words in the mouth of sicn there which he/she hasn't really said.


just one example, he/she did not say that OP should go partying instead of spending time with her parents...

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tired 15 yrs ago
thanks for everyone's replies. Yes, you are right to be grateful when someone has fed me and given me a roof over my head for so many years. But, I am really mad at my father for losing his retirement savings over gambling and other issues. I feel he let me down as a parent when I was child and now when I am an adult. How can I feel grateful for someone who really was not a good parent? I really want to spend some money to buy some fancy clothes like my other single friends, want to go travelling, want to live in a nicer flat and live alone so I can invite friends over. Have I become a heartless person?

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SAMMS 15 yrs ago
hey is simple go for a massage to releive stress, have few good drinks to forget the situation you feel negative about, and think of ways to make you feel more positive with or without getting out of the situation and all willbe fine

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sicn 15 yrs ago
Iwilltry,

I see your point about sacrifice for taking care of parents. But do the parents have any responsibility of taking care of themselves when they get older? 60+ is NOT too old to work especially if you don’t any savings and have to depend on your only daughter. Many people in other places in the world are still happily working into their 70’s 80’s. Working is working, doesn’t matter you are sitting in the office in the top floor of a skyscraper of picking newspaper on the street. Picking newspaper maybe in your culture is shameful and maybe it is not in others. In my view it is helping out their daughter and themselves and also saving the planet.

Maybe you can disagree with my value. But before you criticize the OP, ask yourself whether you have devoted to your parents as much effort as the OP? Don’t say you would have, just yes or no. I know in certain culture, the parents have to save a lot of money to marry their daughters into good families so that their daughters can have good lives. It is one thing to be grateful to your parents; it is another to be slave to them.

I don’t know what to think of having children as investment. It is human you are having. In modern days, they are born to have the right to be happy. I am not denying the right of the parents’ happiness. But if they build their entire livelihood and happiness on the shoulders of their children, in this case, their only daughter and disregard her right to have her own life, it is just not right!


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MAWU 15 yrs ago
Great point sinc!

I know the Chinese culture is very different to the Western culture, but my parents would NEVER ask me to put my life on hold to support them. I am a mother myself and my biggest goal is for my child to become independent and happy.

All my siblings live in different countries, but we're extremely close to each other and my parents. I appreciate and love my parents more then anything and I would be with them in a heartbeat if there was something wrong with them, but at the end of the day I have to live my own life.

I think you have every right to be tired, tired. There is absolutely nothing heartless about your wish to live a "normal" life. It's hard enough to support yourself, I can imagine how hard it is to support your parents as well.


As to finding "good" man I can only say: love grows and I can truly see how a guy can get scared if he finds out about your parents right at the beginning of a relationship. You need to know a preson very well before you can decide if you're ready for that kind of commitement.


Good luck with everything!

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nermal 15 yrs ago
Tired > My father also gambled his pension away! in a very short time too. I also paid for most of their living expenses but I have moved out for quite a long time already. I admit sometimes I wonder how it would be like if I didnt have to pay so much for them -- then I would have money for things I can't afford now. But I remember the love and sacrifices they made for me so I will just continue to pay.

I think it is understandable that one feels tired from time to time, especially when one is not exactly rich, nothing heartless about it.


To those who criticised the OP. it is always easier to throw stones at others without looking at ourselves .



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VirginieL 15 yrs ago
"MAWU, so do you mean you'll have absolutely no problems if your kids neglect you tomorrow and tell you on your face what a burden you are on them and they want a life? I am sure, you dont' spend on your kids for that day tomorrow."


Where did you read that ?? stop putting words in people's mouth...

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Amparo Kia 15 yrs ago
I think it all depends on one's own value on this subject..


and since Tired's input is not that clear (or at least to me), I am not sure she is mad at her father for gambling away and abandoned her when she was a child (the quote "I feel he let me down as a parent when I was child" or she is mad because her father gamble away his retirement savings and have her shoulder the responsibility of taking care of them, thus a burden to her..


All of us do make mistakes at some point in our life, big or small.. it depends on how u regard your father's mistake, Tired, is it so huge that u cannot forget him or if u are willing to forgive and forget.. It will be a pain if u are supporting their needs but are not doing it wholeheartdly, and I am sure they can sense that from u as well.. so your money spent is not going to be appreciated, why put yourself in such a position, if u think they are not worthy of your sacrifice, arrange something for the government to step in and free yourself of this heartache, otherwise, be happy and proud that you are a good daughter and have done your part.


At the end of the day, our parents are irresplaceable, once gone, you can never have it back or be replaced. Tired, just make sure that you won't regret the decision that u made today.


And u are not alone in this predicament, look at some of the local actors and actresses, eg. Nicholas Tse, Ada Choi and even Anita Mui.. they have the same problem as u, so pls be strong and you are not alone.. Hope you can resolve your problem soon and be happier.



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VirginieL 15 yrs ago
iwilltry... I'm not jumping anywhere, just reacting to something you wrote, like you do for others. Nothing personal there.


I've seen my mum taking care of my grand mother, everyday for the last 30 years of my grand mother's life. Then she died. And I've seen my mum depressed for so many years because she didn't have a life on her own anymore ! she didn't know what to do now she was alone. And the first thing she told me is that I shouldn't do the same thing, because she didn't want to be a burden for us, and that she raised us in a way so we would be independant and free to chose our lives.

Today we are able to take care of her in a way that makes everybody happy.


What if your children come one day saying that they don't want to spend their lifes taking care of you and asking you to respect their choice ? would you consider them as bad people ?


I totally understand the cultural differences, but despite doing the best we can, we don't all have the same support (financial, sibblings, emotionnally...). Sometimes it's better to look for some help than being tired, or angry or bitter.

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GemmaW 15 yrs ago
Tired, you could see your situation in a different light. Rather than thinking, "Poor me, I can't save because my parents are a burden", try to think of it another way..... you HAVE your parents with you when many don't. You CAN look after them when many regret that they didn't do much for theirs. They've looked after you for decades and now you have a chance to do your part to thank them.


Sure, they may have made mistakes... either through gambling or something else but we all make mistakes. We get forgiven every single day by our parents so why do we hold a grudge against them? Who knows if a day will come when our own children will say the same about us.. that we're not perfect and that we've wronged them.


I have a daughter. A VERY huge chunk of my salary goes to her. For her, I would give up my life. And while I would not ask her to support me (we have plans for our old age), it would pain me if she abandons me or sees me as a burden if I need her help.

My mother works, she doesn't use the money I send her... in fact she sends it back when she's accumlated them, much to my dismay! When my daughter was younger, she even got up in the middle of a working night to feed her so that I could sleep and I was on holidays, not my mother!

I am forever indebted to her... should she ever need help from me financially, I wouldn't think twice and I don't earn much.


You didn't give up your luxury..... your luxury is right in front of you.... you have parents whom you can see everyday. I wish I had that....


I don't mean to lecture, sorry if I have, just trying to say that you can look at the situation differently :-)



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cd 15 yrs ago
This is so culturally different to the Western way. There is no way my parents would have expected me to support them financially, especially from the age of 50 when they are in the prime of their life. It is just not expected in western culture. That does not mean we love or respect our parents any less. There are just other ways of showing it. You can treat them to holidays with you, or nice days out, buy them nice things, take them shopping as they get older, visit, call, cook them dinner, and if need be come and have them live with you. But no way should they feel that the deserve a certain percentage of your salary for the rest of your life, y. As a previous poster said you should have and love your children unconditionally, not as a pension plan for when you're older.

yes make the most of your parents while they are around but by spending qulaity time with them, and doing special little things for them, thats where love and respect come from, not from handing over money out of obligation. (and I'm talking as a person whos lost both parents).

You need a life of your own and when you marry and have a family, then they become your priority.

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GemmaW 15 yrs ago
I agree, this is where there's a big difference between the West and Asia.


In the West, the elderly are looked after properly by the government. Taxes are higher there. There are lots of benefits for those who are disadvantaged. They do not need to depend on their children.


In most parts of Asia, such benefits do not exist or rather, you do not enjoy the same LEVEL of benefits the disadvantaged in the West do. I have friends in the West who say that they earn more being on the dole than they do working. It works differently here.


In an Asian culture, children provide for their parents what the government cannot.

In the poorer regions of Asia, the parents are usually low income earners and uneducated. They have very little money to survive. In the past, they may have worked several jobs to provide an education for ther kids so they have very little savings. The savings they do have are probably not enough to survive in today's Asia.


So I think it is where a person is brought up that determines whether or not a person feels he/she needs to take care of his/her aged parents. There is no right or wrong. I have heard people saying that Asian parents have kids because they see kids as an "investment" into their future, not because they want them or that Western kids are ungrateful to their parents because they do not give them money. Both are not true. For one, as an Asian, there is no way in the world I could repay my parents for whatever they have "invested" in me for decades so I don't feel they have me because they see me as an investment. In the same way, I do not believe that my Western friends are ungrateful to their parents for not giving them money because the elderly in their countries are properly looked after.


I mean, look at Provident Fund here. They get introduced much later than the west. Or take Australia for example. You get approx. HK$26k for each baby you conceive! Some countries offer a year paid maternity leave etc. It's just not the same here.

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MAWU 15 yrs ago
@ iwilltry:


"MAWU, so do you mean you'll have absolutely no problems if your kids neglect you tomorrow and tell you on your face what a burden you are on them and they want a life? I am sure, you dont' spend on your kids for that day tomorrow."


?????

I think there's a missunderstanding here. By no means did I tell anyone to tell their parents they're a burden.

If my children turn their back at me, I have to seriously ask myself what I did wrong at raising them. However, I would never expect them to financially take care of me. I want them to love and respect me as much as I love and respect them.


@ cd:

I agree 100%



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housed 15 yrs ago
While I agree that within the Asian context of parenting, the higher expectations (financial and otherwise) of Chinese parents towards their kids does not not necessarily mean they love them less or only see them as a meal ticket, it does beg the question of why "traditional" Chinese parents tend to favour sons over daughters.


In the old days, sons were favoured over daughters because practically speaking, they were the ones seen to provide for their parents in their old age while girls would be married off to other families. So if the love that these traditional parents feel for their children is so irrespective of financial considerations, then shouldn't they have loved both their boys and girls equally?


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sampaguita 15 yrs ago
I stupidly tried to take my life a few years ago and luckily I didnt because one time my mom was hospitalized, she needs to bath and so forth.. she always say sorry while I am helping her, she feels like a burden.. I am sure your parents also feel that way because I know they can feel what you are feeling..


As I had debts and my parents were jobless and both had not even reach 65 years old. I applied for CSSA for them... I was made to write a letter of abandonment and my parents will confirm I could not and will not suport their livelihood. The Officer told me they could get roughly around 6800-7000 and they can even apply for Housing estate in 6 months. I have to say I am not living with them etc..


But it did not materialize because I can handle my debts, my father had part-time.

But in case one day it happen that my father has no job.. I will support them as they have supported me for 22 long years. How many more years can they stay with us if they go ahead of us... just enough to repay them for their love and support....

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amztechnology 15 yrs ago
famous quote: A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life.. i don't want to offend sons here just i recalled after going through the post....you are doing a wonderful job and you will get the return for sure...God Bless!

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