Posted by
murasaki
18 yrs ago
I rushed home from a biz trip late last Friday to spend the night with my newly wed husband. While we were cuddling on the couch, he got this SMS from caller Carrie: "So you want me? Really? What do you want me for?" You can imagine how my heart first sank and I got very angry asking him what this woman was. First he said she's a friend he's been talking to about work. I knew he was lying. Then he told me he met this girl at a bar when he went out with some colleagues and she gave him her phone number. He SMSed her first and they started SMS conversations for past couple of months, infrequent, according to him. And apparently the conversations got flirty along the way, and dirty at times as I witnessed. He said he didn't do anything with her and turned down her request to meet. He said it's just a stupid game and he wasn't going to let it lead to anything because he only loves me.
In my mind, cheating is not about not loving your wife, but about not respecting her. The fact that he took the initiative to SMS her first makes me question my judgment about him being a devoted and loving husband. Am I over reacting? Should I let it go because this is just something men do? Or should I think that he's clearly looking to stray and what he calls "innocent flirting" would eventually lead to infidelity? Or should I think of his act of concealing the fact that he's married to this woman and engaging in this SMS relationship cheating already?
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I am sad to say I agree with your reaction and your husband is a fool. Of course some men are a little more animalistic in their approach of women and sexuality, but it is no excuse for letting yourself go. He could have been drunk out with the colleagues and talked to this girl, but he surely didn't need her phonennumber nor did he need to initiate or perpetuate an sms relationship.
If he would really love you, it would have never even have entered his mind to do so. He just doesn't have any excuse and it is very stupid of him to think he has, very inconsiderate as well...
I feel very sorry for you, to have married such a dude...
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You'll think I am totally stupid when I say this. I stayed mad at him and didn't talk to him for one day, then I gave in. It was eve of a long weekend, and I so looked forward to spending the long weekend with while on my biz trip that the prospect of a lonely weekend was just too much to bear. So for the rest of the weekend, we went out and had fun like we always did. Then when I came back to work, the reality set in and I can't get it off my mind. I really never thought anything like this would happen to me and I feel totally defenseless. Part of me knows what the right thing to is, but the other part of me, the weak part, needs him, because otherwise I'm all alone in this city. I don't want to talk to frineds about it becasue I don't want them to feel sorry for me. This is really hell for me.
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Murasaki, that's how I discovered my spouse's affair. Same excuse, same reaction, after months of suspicious, finally evidence of affair surfaced.
I did what jwm suggested above and he did made that call infront of me but it did not help much 'cause the affair continued as I later discovered. The trust is definitely broken, you've to decide what you need to do now.
Take care.
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Sunshinegir, you are right. Even if I let it go this time assuming he breaks it off like he said he would, I'll always wonder where he actually went and what he actually did everytime he goes out alone. I always pride myself for giving him lots of space. He'd go to sports bars by himself and go to LKF by himself and I trusted that he wouldn't do anything of that nature. I guess I was wrong. We dated for so many years and how could I have misjudged? I guess separation is a good place to start, maybe counseling. Does anyone have a good recommendation for counseling? Non-religious affliated counseling... Thanks so much everyone. I never thought I'd talk about such private matters in such an open fashion.
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@@
18 yrs ago
Dr Melanie Bryan is excellent for counseling -2575 7707.
Good Luck.
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@@, thanks for the recommendation. He and I agreed to separate for a while and seek counseling in the meantime. Frankly, unless somehow I can restore trust in him, there is no future for our marriage. I refuse to live a life where I feel the need to interrogate my husband about his fidelity every now and now. Life in HK is already so stressful, marriage is supposed to be a haven, not another battle. I fully understand that married life can be mundane after a while and sex life gets too predictable, and everyone needs to stir things up a bit once in a while. I flirt with guys too when I am out about but I never hand out my phone number, let alone initiate any courtship that dishonors my husband.
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Hmm this one's tough. Cell phones are like video games, as is the annonymous chatting of the internet. It IS possible that he only fools around with the phone and the idea of ever actually going after someone else in real life would never have crossed his mind.
What throws up a red flag here is that he actually met and knows her in real life. ie, its not really annonymous anymore.
I have to say here though that you should deffinatly lay down the rules as to what you see as ok or not but bear in mind if he really is innocent and you cut the trust and throw it in his face and make him pay for it longer than necesary. He WILL resent you for that and it will have long term repercussions on how he feels about you as well.
I know, I know, he was the bad guy here but think about it, what you do in response can change how he sees you too. What do you really want out of this. To lose him or fix it?
Maybe if he likes talking dirty on the sms then you could do a lil role play on the sms. Mssg him and flirt. let him know its you but pretend its not and say stuff you wouldnt normally say.
Maybe hes all over cheating with women he meets in bars and communicates via msg and you would be better off w/out him, but just be sure before you jump go overboard wrecking any hope of salvaging what you had or thought you had.
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what is it with men!!!! is it just "something that they do"?? it's total bullsh*t! can we ever trust men at all?? no woner the old-schools always say better marry a nerd than someone too slick. i'm just starting a relationship and also found same problem, it's literally driving me nuts. i will definitely be cautious and watch out for myself. best luck to you, Murasaki, hope this will work out eventually!!!!
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As hard as it is to separate logistically once you get married, he has agreed to sleep in the guestroom while we are working things out and also agreed to get counseling. I just spent most of the week on a biz trip. When I came home last night, I could see the hurt in his eyes and perhaps he is beginning to realize how badly he had crossed the line.
I know he didn't do what he did to intentionally hurt me and I believe he loves me. What I think he needs to understand is that unintentional mistakes can have very serious consequences and next time he needs to think very hard in the face of temptation. Sometimes I think men are like children in some ways that they are always testing the limit and as long as they can get away with it and as long as "technically" they didn't do anything wrong, they can live with themselves. What hurt me the most is when I caught him, he kept telling me that it was a lot more innocent than it looked and that he never cheated on me, i.e. slept with another woman. It was so ridiculous that I had to insist that what he did was total betrayal in my mind. I think unless he fully realizes that he dishonored and hurt me terribly, I will not even begin to think about forgiving him.
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I think it is important that you set clear boundaries and don't give in. If you let him get away with it- which so far you aren't (good job!) he will continue. Now is the most important time for you to establish what is and isn't acceptable behavior. And I don't think it matters if he actually did something or it's just texting. The problem is that it is unacceptable to you and makes you feel awful and betrayed by your husband.
Good luck : ) I hope things work out for you.
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OK I am a guy and here is my advice. He is flirting because he needs something more than the relationship currently has. You can be as aggressive as you want but that would not change things deep inside. What he is doing is wrong but try to find the reason for that, tell him tht you want an honest relationship and he should be free to talk to you about anything, even flirting with someone on SMS if it is only for fun. For example if he had told you this and said lets sms this girl together for fun, would you have had the same reaction...probably not. Try to see what you can change in the relationship to make it work for both of you.
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Even if it's innocent flirting, he should discose thatfact to you - else your trust will be affected I guess ... that's from a guy's perspective
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Hi there , take a male perspective -It is quite natural for guys to get into this trap or he might have gone bit far . what actually happens is secretly u start enjoying the sms flirting and at a point of time one should stop . but do not worry it is It is quite normal for a guy to do this and forget it later. This bit less that how a guy enjoys a x-rated movies and enjoys it and u sitting next to him also do not mind .same way u should treat this matter and get over with this .
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I can understand the scathing profiling of men by some female posters here; may I add another perspective?
I fell in love with a number of females too - who doesn't? - and occasionally I got slightly bored or perhaps tempted by other females. Now I know you would expect a man to be immune to seduction...and yet you know deep in your own heart that a woman investes her own charisma in luring men to her, or luring THE man.
So I failed a few girls, and let's be frank: some girls failed me too.
But once I had an unusually deep relationship, much deeper than any previous one; you never know how deep you can actually go...
For the first time in my life I felt I had to preserve my integrity for one person only; she was much younger than myself, very much in need of protection (yeah, yeah: the macho man, but don't think I am a cowboy!); I changed thoroughly, wanting to be pure and innocent again (hahaha, sounds so naive, doesn't it?) and as wholesome as my partner was in my own eyes...
She wasn't a woman without history, but her history was brief and easy to tell...so I really felt I had to cleanse my soul, and I did! I improved my whbole outlook, was suddenly willing to go to any length to satisfy a normal woman's natural aspirations...for a child, a family, her own future and security...
Yes, true love chan change a person, and I was a better man after a while!
And then the brutal end: out of the blue a quarrel, not the first one, one of many, only this time it was the very end of our relationship: I had spoilt that girl, humouring her moodiness (for some time she was hormonally imbalanced and thus particularly edgy!), and she decided to call it a day.
The separation was so painful I lost weight for the first time in my life!
Maybe, maybe modern loves are entered like so many legal agreements, without adaptations to the individuals involved? You know what you want from your opposite partner but almost anyone can give you that, isn't this true? Then you discover that a partnership is characterised by tedium, repetitiveness, and you break out of the routine, on the sly, not wanting to jeopardise verything but of course never quite opposed to getting - a better deal...
Maybe if you had to change for the better in order to win someone's heart you would be less easily tempted... And I believe this is true not just for us guys but even for you gals!
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i got busted for exactly the same thing once, difference is i am not married. I was however being an idiot, looking for something on the side, and i got booted. I learnt my lesson
tell him to leave and divorce him
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It take 2 hands to clap.He must have reply something to encourage the other party to reply with enthusiastic.
If he is willing to repent now,how about future?
Can you take it if.....just a if......again?
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jiman
17 yrs ago
but what is the sound of one hand?
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I believe it does not matter whether he did or does anything sexual with her, the fact that he is doing something (texting/flirting) BEHIND YOUR BACK is already a question you have to raise about his love for you. I don't and will never agree about married men/women who flirt, talk dirty to other men/women and say that thy never do anything more than just flirting because they love their husband/wife. If you really love someone, you respect this person and will never do anything to lose his/her trust and break his/her heart. Trust is the foundation to a lasting relationship, trust is not just something you give to someone, it has to be earned and kept stronger as time passes by.....
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