Relationship issues - Cheating

Hi guys,


here's the story:


I'm with my girl friend for a bit more than 3y now,

at first it was ok, i can't say great, just ok and then started the questions about the wedding, house... etc..


From that moment our relationship started to get worst and worst every month, of course we had good moment and i know that in a relationship i should love not only the good parts but the thing is that i didn't feel happy with her.


We have some king of sex problems, i always wanted (much) more than her and she refused so many times that now i feel no more sexual desire for her, and we're now in a situation in which she wants more than me since i never touch her.


Sex is not the only problems, we don't date, i mean we don't hang out, don't go for dinner or whatever, the few times when we go to club we both feel extremely bored.


I use to spend a lot of money for her and i stopped because i started to think that it was a waste, because when i bought clothes, perfume, underwear... well the underwear i saw them but for the rest, nothing, she doesn't want / like to wear what i suggest her, the last bottle of perfume i offered to her is still full and she have it for more than 2 years while she always carry arround a tiny bottle of perfum in her bag when she works or simply go out.


I don't like girls who use make up but sometimes it's nice, she always refused to have this but twice she came back home with make up and said that it's her friend who wanted to do that so she accepted.


Don't get me wrong, i'm just saying the bad part, she's a great girl, kind (lazy though, except for her job) and everything but...


Anyway, all of this to tell that i don't fell happy, i'm not saying either that i'm the best guy out there (and regarding what you're about to read, i'm definitely not).


One day, there's this girl who came to my client office from another city for a training on a software,

we went outside with friend and she kissed me, after that nothing happened but i liked it, she's younger and attractive.


A couple a month later my client sent me to the city where that girl comes from for a business trip, meet her and... we had sex twice in 2 days on 3 that i was there.


That was maybe 1.5 to 2y ago and i kept thinking about what I've done and i'd have been if i had stopped doing that...


From that moment to now, I cheated on my girl friend with 7 different girls totally...


Ok i know that it's definitely not right but I did what i did because i wanted something new,

something different, i wanted to try, to see what would be the feeling with other girls, i didn't only had sex with them, i dated them, hang out with them, i had all kind of girls,

shy, very open minded, single, in a relationship, low education, high education, friend's gf (she was totally into it and she's actually the one who suggested it...)...


I had some good feeling with some of these girls but nothing special and it's only now that i realize that it's actually exactly the same with my gf: nothing special.


I do lover her but "i'm not in love with her" (heard that in an american movie...) and i guess that if i love her is mainly due to the fact that we're together for more than 3y.


About a year ago, i fall in love for a girl, coworker, last time i had this feeling was for my ex (who refused to marry me twice and aborted twice as well, i was totally "clean" at this time).


Unfortunately it didn't work out because we both had someone, one day she broke up with her boyfriend and she called me first, we had a talk but the thing is that i pushed her back to her bf because i think that it was the right thing to do and because she broke up because of her parent who don't like her bf.


I'm not proud of what I've done, i'm just kind of lost if i can say so, she wants to get married and i don't know whether i not i want to, i'd go for no more than for yes but...


My main problem is the point i mentioned above, I'm not in love with her.


Any of you experienced this kind of things?


I really have no idea about what I'm supposed to do now, should i continue with her or not knowing what I've done, would that be fair to her?


In the meantime, truth is not always good and i know that she knows about me having with that girl from my client office, she saw my msn history in which i talked about it with that girl.


I'm her first bf, she was a virgin, she's Chinese (traditional) and i'm a foreigner.

Sorry, i just read my post... i make obviously many mistakes, i can't edit.

boy o boy, break up with her already! what the heck are you waiting for?

You so need to read my own post...

If having no more love spark in a relationship is a crime enough to be justified for life imprisonment, isn’t losing sex desire before marriage a guilt for death sentence? You actually needed not to provide those unnecessary evidences (the bad parts of the girl) as you had, TO DIRECT US TO COUNSEL YOU that “She is convicted”.


You have clearly confessed that you're not in love with her, so what’s the point of handcuffing yourself and, her as well, to the slammer?


Feel liable for breaking a girl’s virginity? Unless she’s under 18, otherwise don’t make me laugh, boy. Though I like your thinking.


Of course you are not totally innocent, but since you pledged guilty, here’s the fair verdict: IMMEIDATE RELEASE.


I don’t want to see another man on this forum bragging about how right he deserves to betray his wife in light of bad marriage.


Usually I’d simply ask people to look through their own crystal ball – Are you happy with still being stuck in the same current status, be it a job or a relationship, after ten years? If yes, you have my blessings, otherwise get rid of yourself as early as possible before it gets worse enough to ruin everybody’s life.

You need to tackle your problem head on, dragging it like this is unfair to her and to you as well, she is thinking about marriage and here you are not feeling in love with her... wasting more of her time, so to speak.


Please don't tell me you are going to marry her cause you are on your way to disaster. getting married is easy, a signature is all you need, but you would have to pay dearly (emotionally and financially) to get out of it.

Don't waste any more of your girlfriend's time. Break up with her now until you know exactly what it means to be in a relationship. You are indeed very lost.

Okay, the question is why would you marry someone you are not in love with?


You've already cheated on her prior to marrying her... if you continue to cheat after marriage, you will find yourself in deeper trouble. She'll divorce you and take you to the cleaners.


You seem to have plenty of opportunities to meet girls so why don't you give yourself (and your gf) a chance to go out to find that someone special?


As a female, I'd rather break up with a guy now no matter how much it hurts than to marry him only to find out that he is not in love with me.

hi, thanks for your suggestions and comments. My problem is that she's traditional and that i also care about the 3y we spent together, that's a lot of time for both of us.


As one of you said, i fear that even after i get married i'll be tempted to go arround because the situation will remain the same.


I also know that she cares about me a lot and is deeply in love with me,

she's very comprehensive and one day she even asked me:

how often do you think you'll have sex with others? I ask because i know that we don't have sex often and that you'd like me to be different in some ways, i can understand, it's just that i don't want to share your body with someone else especially if i want to get pregnant.


I tried to avoid that, because i've been seriously surprised by how she asked me that, suprised when and where, i went to some place to pick her up by moto, on the way back we saw some interesting stock selling different kind of food from minorities, we stopped and walked by, after a few minutes, she then asked me that.


I was considering the option to consult a psycotherapist for couple or something like that, but the prices are quite high so i asked here first.


I even didn't talked about that with my friends as most of them know her.


Thanks for the advices.

got dang load, stop all the whinging and crap.


you don't love her, so break up already! how much of a RED STOP SIGN you need to make you realize that you only dig yourself a hole??? you cheated on her because you don't love her. it doesn't matter how much she loves you. if you don't love her (and you don't love her for a long period of time already), then break up.


don't be such a coward and do it already!

you just don't have the courage to break up with your gf, yet. so you want people here to push you more. haha. am i right?


no kidding loadzh, you'll do your gf a favor by ending your relationship ASAP. yes, she will be devastated, but the day will come when she will forget everything and move on and fall for someone who can bring the best of her (physically, emotionally, sexually, etc.) and who will love her and would want to marry her.


really, there's always two sides in a coin. she may be lousy in bed, because of 101 reasons or because you're a lousy one too?

" My problem is that she's traditional and that i also care about the 3y we spent together, that's a lot of time for both of us."


Two things:

1. Do traditional women like to have their husbands/boyfriends cheating on them repeatedly? Do they want/enjoy their boyfriends to feel no attraction to them? Do they long for a life with a male (I hesitate to say 'man') who basically does not love them, disrespects them in the most revolting way, and is spineless and lacks any sort of morals?

I'm guessing no, but if, on the off-chance, the answer is yes... maybe she has met the male of her dreams.

So, the fact that she is traditional is clearly irrelevant, considering you have honoured nothing else about her.


2. Spent 3 years? OMG!!! I can't believe that is even coming up as an answer. That is the most gutless, pathetic, most ridiculous reason to stay with anyone. "Oh, I've put in so much time/I've invested so much of my life/*insert crappy excuse about the length of time here*" This is an absolute joke, and you know why? The amount of time you spend with someone, is not an investment like it is with money... it does NOT necessarily increase in value with the more time you put in, and you can't insure yourself for any losses it makes. It is not like time spent learning a new skill... it does NOT necessarily get better with time. Any the bottom line is that you can never get that time back, regardless of how it is spent. And guess what? If you (or she) makes the stupid mistake of saying you should stay in the relationship because of the 3 years, then shortly you will find yourself looking back over 6 years, and then 12 and then 45, and then guess what? Your life's over! WASTED because you were too gutless to do the right thing.


If you break up now, you have only spent 3 years as opposed to more. Right now (and you never can, really) you can't change what has happened in the past, so if you spend time dwelling on those 3 years, you are not accepting the fact that they have passed by already. It's the past, it has happened, what you have control over now is how your future pans out.


Stop being such a jerk. Let the girl get on with her life.

Kid, I usually don't have much of patience to repeat saying twice of things that can't be more obvious and easy to understand. But since I will need to dress up for a decent occassion tonight so now I try to be nice to you in order to go in line with my "theme of the day" - Elegance.



(with a smile) Mr. Loadzh, what the fuc... (ELEGANCE ELEGANCE).......what's the special of her words you mentioned? Underlying She was saying "I am also aware of the problem between us, but I don't give it a shi.......but never mind and you'd better keep your as.......(ELEGANCE ELEGANCE) please stay away from other girls since you're mine no matter what!"


Does it mean real love to you?! She's just controlling. And I don't understand why you got surpised, it's not uncommon at all, especially from immature and selfish people.


Don't waste money to turn to psycotherapist, nothing to do with it. Can't you see all our comments here stand on only one side?

waste your own life or waste hers? we are selfish human beings, we need to tend to ourslves first, yes?

are you thinking, "given all the reasons, keeping the relationship is what she wants/expects, so i better stay with her in order to give her what she "deserves"?"

u have to be clear with the fact that, she expects you staying with her, under the condition of u being faithful. otherwise, you disappoint/upset her anyway. you might both can live with cheating on her back, but disappointment occured. may be a year later, or even longer. you eventually hurt her feelings. So, either hurt her by cheating or even end up divorcing her in the future, or break up with her now.

i am not only speaking for the 'poor' girl, i am also speaking for you. it's really hard to stay with someone you dont have passion, and VERY STRONG ATTACHMENT/SINGIFICANT SHARED MOMENT with. defo not something about her family background nor culture difference. 3 years is a period, dont give up your upcoming 30 years for a number, unless she was really important to you, and meant a lot. as you said, it sounds like it was never a thing. i know you realize you prob dont find someone who loves you as much, but you gotta risk it for a more sparkling life.

if you are really struggling about dumping a "vrigin", you will be struggle worse when that vrigin holding an even higher expectation to marry you since you took her virginity AND SPENT YEARS in the realationship.

i say, dont waste your time on someone you are not into, and dont give the girl an illusion that you were there for her. (but you think she could be your potential wife, sort the problems out together, with a goal and time line. )

last but not least, dont treat. dump her and have fun in your own way.

....and live your rest of life miserably, this forum is always there for you!