Guess this is SAME O SAME O story you hear everyday until it actually happens to me. I have been together with HUBBY for 10 years and married for 7 years. We have 2 daughters 7Yo and 4Yo. Just recently i have discovered that he has been cheating one on 2 main affairs. One last 12 months and the other 7 months. I left him 8 months ago together with my daughters and now he is begging me to come back. He says OVER AND OVER Sorry... But my heart has just stopped to the point i dont even want to see his face let alone hear his voice. I am deeeply hurt especially i know that i have given all i can in this relationship. He promised that he will never do this again ever and that things will be very different. You see as i see it PERHAPS if i never walked out on him this year he might have never tell me about the affairs..I am so incline to have a DIVORCE so i can be freed emotionally and physically. Pls i know this kind of thread appears SO often but i would appreciate your words of advise...
A sister in distress
P.s. It has taken him almost 5 years later to tell me of the affairs... all these years i sense sumfin was happening but never had solid proof. Only God knows if there were ONLY these affairs and no others.. GULP!
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cara is right - one could try to forgive and it is impossible to forget!
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sicn
14 yrs ago
The answer to your question: Yes! Many couple in long and lasting marriage did just that.
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If he is a good father and solvent then it's probably worth it. What are your other options? The chance of meeting Mister Perfect - who apart from being a great, kind, considerate and monogamous lover - will also be the perfect step-father for your young children? As you and Cara said, it's "same, same old" so you're not the only one. You obviously won't be able to live the perfect couple existence but at least the bad news is out of the way. If he has other bad habits - such as gambling, debt or drugs - then probably best to forget about him. I'm afraid men like sex and they prefer more than one partner.
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I don't think you can. My ex cheated on me in the past, with a very good friend of mine. Regardless of the fact that it was a good friend, he cheated. He knowingly did something that would jeopardize our relationship. I tried to forgive and forget for a month, but i just couldn't. Things change, once trust is gone, in my eyes everything else has too. How do you know it didn't happend before you found out? How do you know there isn't other things he's hiding from you? There often always is...in my case it was money, and a lot of it. Maybe it's different when your married, and maybe people can be stronger and move on and forget quicker. I guess everyone is different with how they deal with things.
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Forgetting is hard but forgiving is possible over time. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to get back with the person. Forgiving the person means releasing yourself from the pain that you did not deserve.
It seems like you are still grieving over what happened. Maybe you need to give yourself more time to find the answer to your question.
Good luck, it must be so hard especially with kids involved. No one knows him better than you so only you can decide whether or not it is worth taking him back.
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MJ1
14 yrs ago
Sounds like she is just plain lazy to me...
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Firstly thank you all for your words of advise EXCEPT for MJ1, am still unsure what your issues are. I Am taking this time on my own with kids, I am quite sure 85% that i will be giving this marriage up. I cant forsee myself being in any relationship where there is no love and trust. The forgiving part i know will take a long time heal and the forgetting is sumfin i honestly cant say. BUt everyday is a new day..Life is full of learning experience.. What i knew today i didnt know yesterday and what i will know tommorow i didnt know today..
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Reflections. It's obviously up to you but to the kids he is their dad. You may find a perfect man later but he will never be their dad. Give it six more months to see how things pan out. You are essentially playing a game of extremely high-stakes poker - you don't want to do anything rash; you're not single anymore, you're a mother. The percentage of men who cheat has got to be at least 30% - if not 50%. In HK, it has to be significantly higher. Many women go down the single mum route and it works for them and sometimes for the kids. But finding a decent guy - especially when you have 2 children - is not easy. As for love and trust, he probably does love and trust but not in the way you want it to be.
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LEAVE HIM......without looking back.
Though i previously did share in this forum my own happy-ending story of forgiving a cheating man, but if from day 1 the person who choose to cheat, then it's fair to bear all the consequences leading on. Sorry please don't use the kids as an excuse, your beloved kids deserve a respectable parents who are willing to hold responsible for the own act, even a wrong one.
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Sexyboop. The kids only have one real dad and one real mum. How 'respectable' they are misses the point. Subsituting one of them with someone else - or removing that parent from their lives - often causes problems. Perhaps she should give it some time.
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It seems like Lloyd (with 2 L's genius) Grossman seems to think that a woman cannot survive without a man! If he's solvent? Are you serious? Over 50% of men in HK cheat? What a warped view of the world you have. That means over half of my male friends will cheat on their partners! Ridiculous!
It's 2010 now, deary, not 1910! My mother had 3 children when she divorced her first husband and when she married my dad. Just because you wouldn't want to date a woman with children doesn't mean other men won't! There are lots of yummy mummys in the world. That really made me giggle reading his posts! At least we all know to just scroll past his posts now. lol
Reflections, I'm sorry for your situation. It sucks. I think people cheat for a reason, and if his reason hasn't gone away he'll probably do it again. Might be important to show your children that his behaviour was unacceptable and that actions such as his have consequences.
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Sometimes it is better to walk away and sometimes it is better to stay. It depends on many factors such as money, looks, the way the couple works together in general, support from the children and where you are located in the world. It is not easy for an expat woman with children to find a new man in a place like Hong Kong. In fact, it's hard everywhere, but even more so in Hong Kong.
I was in a similar situation. I was struggling and uncertain about what I should do. My heart didn't want to stay in the marriage, but my head kept saying that I have so much to lose. But then my young daughter suddenly said...Dad is not serious about you, Mum. That was it. I walked away and despite the difficulties I never regretted it.
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Reflections, you are a wonderful and beautiful person. When you walk into the room, the attention turns to you. However, it is sad that the person right next to you has eyes but cannot see, has a heart but cannot feel and has ears but cannot hear. My heart breaks to see you in pain.
Dont fear, for pain brings you character and character hope and hope does not dissapoint.
The truth hurts and as My Hong Kong so rightly put it, maybe he was not just into you.
You will never forget what happened to you as it is a hard lesson in life that you had to learn. When you have learnt the lesson and can pick yourself up, you can forgive and release. Forgiving does not mean you need to be with the same person as your persective will be different then.
Good luck
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PupMonkey. The fact that it is 2010 doesn't make the situation less complicated and I am aware there are lots of 'yummy mummys' - in the UK they are known by a crude acronym, MILF. I also think its likely that 50% of men will cheat on their partner over the course of their lives - the fact that you only know them in their 20s and 30s doesn't mean much. As a social experiment, try to keep in touch with them and ask them when they are in their 70s. Anyway, back to the topic. All I have said is give it six months and make sure Reflections has a grip on the finances. The finances are important because she doesn't want a her husband digging into the family savings to impress a mistress. I'm sure there are lots of attractive women who have children - the difficulty lies with a) getting a decent step-father b) getting the children to accept the stepfather and c) getting the step-father to accept the children. If she divorces her husband and the next guy also cheats - which is not an impossibility - then what? Move on again I suppose, but this creates disruption.
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Pupmonkey. Just for the record , Loyd Grossman spells his name with one 'L' not two. Lloyd, the Welsh surname, is spelt with 2 Ls.
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Well lets all give up now, half of all men are disloyal, untrustworthy cheaters. Lets all burn our bras and buy turkey basters because there's not much point getting married if we're to believe 50% of all men cheat. Please. It's best not to tarnish all men with your brush, Loyd.
Although, of course, being in my 20's means that I know nothing. I do my utmost to avoid the expat community in Hong Kong possibly just to avoid meeting people like Loyd.
MILF is an American phrase, quoined in the 1999 teen film American Pie.
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PupMonkey. I'm sticking by my figures though there is obviously no way to prove it. Instead getting involved in sexual politics, try and loook at it from a mathematical point of view. Look back to your childhood and the community you grew up in. Did you ever come across a rumour of an affair or know of any affairs that were taking place? If so, these were the ones that people actually knew about and are therefore the tip of the iceberg (and we're not even talking about one night stands but full-blown relationships here). I think 50% over a sexual lifetime is not too far short of the mark. After all, don't a large percentage of marriages end in divorce?
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Pupmonkey, do you mind if I tell you some hurtful truth? Loyd is correct. His figures may be a little on the safe side. Being in Aisa brings the cheating statistics up higher. When I was in my 20's also, I truely believed in all that you were fighting for. It was only after being married and coming to terms with reality that I am afriad we cannot fight the truth.
I honestly refused to see the truth before for fear and to avoid having to take care of the truth. I do business in China and EVERY single man that came up here including my uncles, brother in law etc went for massages every night. I did not know until recently but I found out that EVERY single massage had bj and sex available and the girls will push you for the extra money. I even sent a male chinese friend to get evidence for verification
Most of my friends who lived in China are going through a divorce, divorced or are accepting it and trying to find a way to relieve the pain by cheating. I am so so sorry but you should be aware and I do hope and pray that this does not happen to you AT ALL.
Lyod is actually giving you an honest man's opinion. Take it or leave it.
No offense to anyone. Pls dont fight. Lyod is not the problem.
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Any police detective will tell you, it's all about Motive & Opportunity. Infidelity is no different.
In Asia there is plenty of opportunity (as explained by earlier posters)
The question is motive - perhaps he has a psychological need for conquest. perhaps you are "not getting the job done" to use the words of TXcowboy. Only he can answer that, but first both of you need to face up to your own limitations. Only honest and open dialog on both sides will get you beyond the hurt, and him beyond the empty "sorry".
The often repeated thinking that he cheated, therefore he is a bad man who must be replaced is too simplistic. In real life there is plenty of blame to go around. Frankly it seems you are acting wounded and self righteous, which makes me suspect you may be as much as fault in the relationship as him.
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That's it, I'm cancelling my wedding and going down Wellcome to get a turkey baster. You've converted me lads, all men are poo, it's so clear to me now. As all my friends and family are women in their 20', how could I possibly gather my own experience and understanding? I have four married brothers ... two of them have cheated on their wives. Who'd have thought?!
You have opened my eyes with your exceedingly warped view of the world.Thanks lads.
Hahahahhahahahahahahahaha whatever.
Just because that's your character, that's not what everyone else is like. But if it makes you happier and eases your conscience to think that everyone is like you, so be it.
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PupMonkey, no one said that everyone cheats and no one said that men or women that cheat are bad people. However, in certain circles cheating is quite a common practice. If you can stay away from these circles...the better! I actually left to another country to get away from it all, but please understand that it exists and in bigger numbers than you wish to believe.
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Pupmonkey. Go and buy a copy of Dangerous Liaisons. I think the 'Sex in the City' female protaganist, la Marquise de Merteuil, ends up with smallpox in the end as a kind of punishment for her sexual sins - but that's only after an extremely good time. However the writer, Choderlos de Laclos, probably had to avoid prosecution in 18th century France so he was forced into a moral and socally responsible ending - and it looks more like an after thought after pages of titilation. Anyway, that's enough saucy French culture for one day. Where's my self-improving book.
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Pupmonkey. Even with a turkey baster you are going to need to deal with a man at some point, and if he's offering filling that up he may be a serial cheater too!
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Mistresses and wives clash over trapped Chilean miners
The Daily Telegraph
Tensions are rising above ground as wives and mistresses of the 33 miners trapped deep within the San Jose mine make rival claims for compensation.
Authorities at Camp Hope have had to deal with a rush of women coming forward claiming to be first in the Chilean miners' affections in order to receive government handouts.
At least five wives have been forced to come face to face with mistresses whose existence was kept from them by their husbands, who have been trapped more than 2,300ft below since a cave in on August 5.
One miner has four women fighting over him in an effort to claim compensation offered to the families of those facing between three to four months underground until a rescue shaft can reach them.
Government officials are considering asking the 33 trapped miners to name those they want to claim the benefits entitled to them in a bid to solve problems on the surface.
"There has been a lot of conflict between women," admitted Marta Flores a Red Cross worker at the makeshift camp where relatives wait for news of their loved ones.
"We had a big bust up in the canteen tent when a wife came across a woman who claimed to be her husband's lover – we had to step in and pull them apart before things got physical." At stake are welfare packages issued to the families of the trapped miners as well as future compensation claims that could run into tens of thousands of pounds.
"Unfortunately the conflict stems from money issues," said Mrs Flores. "Some of the men have children from numerous women and all of them have arrived here to stake their claim. I've met five families in this situation but I'm sure there are more." Some women turned up at the camp to discover that their partners already had a wife and children who they knew nothing about.
"Those that truly love their men have slipped away quietly not wanting to cause any more pain to the families but others are putting up a fight." Special welfare officers trained in marital issues have been brought in to provide help to women faced with their husband's infidelity.
One miner, who has not been named, has a first wife he never divorced, his live-in partner, a mother of a child he had several years ago, and a woman who claims to be his current girlfriend all visiting the camp.
"It's a logistical nightmare trying to keep them apart and of course they all want to send messages," said Mrs Flores.
The team of psychologists charged with ensuring the mental welfare of the men below ground are attempting keep such developments from the miners.
"We read all the letters before they are sent down to make sure the miners do not experience any extra anxiety," said Alberto Iturra, head of the psychological team.
One of the trapped miners, Yonni Barrios Rojas, who is using his first aid training to treat medical problems underground is among those who faces difficult questions when he finally makes it the surface.
His wife, Marta Salinas, 56, discovered he had a mistress when she came across another woman holding a vigil for him. The other woman, Susana Valenzuela, said they met on a training course five years ago and he was planning to leave his wife for her.
"He is my husband. He loves me and I am his devoted wife," insisted Mrs Salinas. "This other woman has no legitimacy."
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Turning up in funeral parlour is another scene the wife & mistress meet. Darn dramatic too!
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Lyod, a question for you- have you ever seen a serial cheater change? If so,what causes them to do so? (besides death)
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Can I just point out 5/33 is NOT 50%...
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PupMonkey. We're talking about a whole lifetime - not just at one particular point in time. Even I don't think 50% of men will be cheating at one point in time. Doesn't 5/33 at one moment point to around 50% over a lifetime?
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Ok, here's going out to Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela.
Mate, I love most of your advise...but the reality here is that maybe this issue is a little too close to your heart, I dunno...If thats not the case, my apologies...but what OP has said has hit pretty close to home for me too, and my opinion differs from yours.
ALL kids want their parents to stay together. That is a truth. All KIDS want Mummy and Daddy to love each other and even if they see them fight, they wish Mummy and Daddy would stop fighting and simply....Stay Together. But kids, we forget, are resilient creatures, all humans are...we learn and we adapt.
Most adults who grew up in messed up households where Daddy was screwing around and Mummy was venting on Daddy, and a lot of the time on the kids themselves...well, they wish Mummy and Daddy had just bleedin split up! These adults end up with issues of seeing faults in partners that they saw in their parents. They end up seeing a confrontation as something to be avoided at all costs...etc etc etc...
I'm divorced, I am very fortunate to have found a wonderful and stable partner who is a great role model to my kid. My ex is remarried and he too has a very caring and stable partner, to the best of my knowledge. My kid knows who Daddy is and knows who Mummy is...there is no confusion there and the partners of both Mummy and Daddy are called by first name, always was the case, always will be. My kid has been brought up to understand that while some families have one Dad and one Mum, he has two sets of parental units and about 4 sets of grandparents...well, actually he has about 6 sets of grandparents as out of those grandparents 2 sets are divorced and have found new partners themselves...
Life goes on. As OP said, there are the two cheating incidents that hubby has confessed to...how many more were there? And sometimes being single and co-parenting (something that is very common these days even if the parents don't see eye to eye), is the best way to have your children grow up with QT from each parent individually without the bickering and the lies.
I would much rather be a divorced co-parent than a numerously cheated on spouse. Just because you cant guarantee you will find someone better doesn't mean you should settle for mediocre. Once the trust is gone, even all the love in the world cannot erase the hurt and the pain...and once the love is gone, really, all you are signing up for is a loveless marriage. And if I got a dollar for everytime I heard "And I stayed for you kids" from my mother, hell, I would be a very rich individual! This is not the kids fault.
A good Dad is a good husband. A good Dad, the one kids love, is the one who doesn't hurt Mummy. So really, maybe he can be a good Dad without having to hurt Mummy, and it seems that there is a way he can do that...fly solo!
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The assumption seems to be that she has to look for a replacement immediately if she leaves him. Heaven forbid she just stays single. And staying together for the kids??? terrible idea if the parent is unhappy. Always has a negative effect on the kids. A woman with kids is not going to be thrown into the street these days. I say if you can't forgive, you have to leave. Great if you can forgive, but if you feel you can't, get a divorce, make sure you don't trash talk your ex...make sure you set up a stable situation for your kids and live your life.
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You may not need him but your daughters may need someone who could play a role of a father in their life.
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yeahhh sorry ..sorry i am weak
i wouldnt forgive something like infidelity ..
good luck if u forgive him ,he may do it again and again ..because you are nice !
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You are facing a difficult decision. Go with your heart. No matter what you are going to do none of you two will be a winner. But if think about your children the result of your decision will make difference for them.
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