Posted by
cetty
14 yrs ago
I've been with a man for 2 years we have lived together for a year taking over a friends lease, had 2 spiritua/blessingl type weddings infront of family and friends and talking about having children soon. we just got back from a recent holiday and on return moving into a new apartment (we signed lease before we left) and he decides he isnt going to live there. He has been living at his flat he has kept since before we met. (As far as I knew someone was renting it from him.) he now is saying he will be in a prison if he lives at the flat. he says I want to see him 7 days a week/24hrs a day. I work 5 days a week and im never around for that amount of time anyway. i dont text him from work so im not bugging him either. he has a daughter that he needs to spend time with and has holidays with his ex and daughter. I accept this needs to happen for his daughters sake so no problem except the fact his ex feels his daughter shouldnt know about me when I have suggested my partner tell her to be open rather than hiding things. i thought im pretty laid back about things. Basically i feel diseaved that he was planning this step back and the realtionship i thought was moving on has just stopped because of something. when we try to say each others opinions it goes around in circles and he just keeps using the words prison, i told you( he didnt)etc. doesnt make me feel good when someone thinks spending time with you is a prison sentence. Im sure there's more details i've missed out but what do i do now???????
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what do you do??? ditch him!
ok as an alternative, ask him to get formally married and see his reaction. i suspect that he sees you as a cheap alternative for his real obligation - which he still seems to consider to be his ex-wife and the kid.
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cetty
14 yrs ago
but should i just give up the last 2 years so easily. we do get on well. maybe he just wants to go slower?
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well what do YOU want? you can go slower for another 10 years and then afterwards be happy or find out that he was not worth it, but maybe that is too long?
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Cetty. That's life I'm afraid. It's not a waste; just remember the good times and move on. It sounds as if he definitely wants out. This happens to millions of people worldwide so try not to be too upset. It appears as if you like him more than he likes you. Again, this is not uncommon and has nothing to do with you.
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Yes, I second Loyd's view... you shouldn't consider the 2 years you spent with him as a waste. It's all a life learning experience. But the thing you should do now is not to "waste" anymore time. Have a good chat with the guy. If you can't get what you want, then move on.
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Q: Where did it go wrong?
A: It was wrong from day one, u just didnt see it, but he saw it already. Because he knew what he was intending tto do to you since day 1.
Here are the hard facts:
1. If he is on vacay with ex and child, hell, they are still family alright. and that makes you a mistress.
2. A man saying its a "prison" to be with his "love" means he is not in love at all with you, and he NEVER will, so please do not see those 2 years as a "wasted" time if you are not going to fight for this relationshop. Honey, there WAS NEVER A RELATIONSHIP at all. But some wild booty call nonetheless.
Solution:
1 and only: Ditch the guy and DONT waste more time on him.
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i think you should really listen to everyone's advice and not waste any more time on him. you don't deserve to be treated like that. not at all.
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Though I tend to agree with the others' views that he seems to want out now (a symptom), but would like to go a bit further from here.
Let's go back to your original question: where did it go wrong?
What do you think? Have you ever reflected on yourself? What are the reasons leading to his sudden change of attitude towards you after 2 years of relationship?
Are you a demanding or nagging type? Apology if I am wrong but it sounded to me you are (a little bit) by reading the post. Please note his "prison" is not necessarily meant to be physical (you requesting to meet every single minute, phoning or texting xx calls a day), but more on pressured feeling from you that you may not be even aware of.
Or perhaps he's not fully ready (only 2 years with you) for going too fast while on the other side you were talking about having children?
Have you ever tried to figure out lovingly and patiently what's in his head, especially in handling the expectation both from his daughter and you?
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Personally, i wouldn't throw the 2 years you have had together down the drain. If you still love him and he still loves you, then it's okay to take things slowly.
Have you asked him if he is STILL in love with you and he STILL wants a future with you? If he does then you're just going to except that for now he needs his space. Sounds like he may be trying to protect his daughter?? As for going away on holiday with the ex...It does sound odd, and i have not heard of this before. Spending a day out or lunch together (with the daughter) is reasonable.
Hope everything can work out fro you :)
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C'est La T and sexyboop - come on.......you are both either unbelievably naive, or else in complete denial, for whatever reason.
Just don't give cetty false hopes or - even worse - try to make her feel guilty. She has been taken in by a cheater (not necessarily a bad guy, but more probably someone who is very weak) who is living a double life. It is not her fault. She has one solution, which is to leave the guy right now and never look back. End of story.
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Wow, people just don't communicate any more.
Have you asked him why he's started feeling like this in a calm way? Could you have an adult conversation about your feelings? Start your sentences with 'I feel..' instead of 'You're making me feel...' That's what I would do.
Explain that suddenly changing his mind like that is hurting my feelings. I'd ask why would he sign the lease if he was feeling like this, or did something happen on holiday that has changed how he's feeling.
Communicate!
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Another angle to consider. Hypothetical case here that may be worth exploring. He may just be a person with real commitment issues/phobia. Some people do. It is illogical that if you love someone you don't want to spend more time together. But phobias aren't logical.
If he never really loved you and he was just fooling around, it probably would not have lasted 2 years already.
However, you may have just grown apart.
You really need to try and have a heart to heart, as opposed to an autopsy or blaming session.
A difficult topic to broach I know.
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