Righto - i have a problem.
i really love my bf, we have known each other for a year. we currently live at different sides of HK, but we spend about 4 nights a week together anyway. The lease on my current flat is up in July, and I really really want to ask him if we can move in together, but I'm so scared to do so because i dont want to hear "no", and I feel weird being the girl and making the first move.
please - advice and suggestions - how do I tell him that i want to move in with him without scaring him away????? How do i word it?? do i say it to his face or write a card???
help!!!
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Simple.... "You know, my lease is almost up and I spend more time here anyway, what do you think about us living together?"
He is a man. Straight and to the point. We hate it when you make ambiguous statements or beat around the bush. Just tell him you want to move in.
You have been dating a year. If he says "no", it is because he has another girlfriend.
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Not so sure is as simple as Raven's analysis.
"No" could mean not yet, lets discuss further, what are we both looking for, do we both view eachother in the long term...not because he has another girlfriend.
Maybe do the "where are we going" before you approach the co-habitation issue....depends on your level of involvement really
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Hi All,
Well yes - I still would want to move in with him even if my lease wasn't up - it would just be a good time to do it then and gives us a few months to think about it from now I guess. I think of it as more a timing thing than a reason to do this.
Perhaps Electrode you are correct - if he hasn't brought it up then he may not be interested in taking the step. Should I wait for him???
And I totally agree with Tiger - no doesn't mean he has another girlfriend - it just means he hasn't thought about it, or it needs more time or something of that sort.
Thanks for those really (NOT) comforting words Raven......what absolute bullocks.....
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I said to him one night when we were absolutely drunk off our heaads that I wanted to move in with him when my lease was up - he smiled and didn't seem to take it too badly, but he said his place right now was too small.
We have never spoken about that since so I don't know if he just didn't remember it or if he just chose to avoid it.
I want to move in with him because I want to have more time feeling like I do when I'm with him.
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You asked for advice and opinions. What I said, you may not agree with, but to say it is BS?? Hmmm. So you don't really want different points of view? You want someone to tell you that everything is great. Okay, everything is great.
However, you did not say, in your original post that the idea was brought up before and he said his place was too small. That does change things.
Maybe you should suggest that when your lease expires that you find a larger place (near him) and that he move in at the end of his lease.
On the issue of space, maybe I am just older (51) than some of the folks here. If I loved you and we were together for a year, I would want you around. I would not need "my" space. How egocentric is that??? I would want "our time".
But, that is just my opinion, which you asked for.
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Yes. But based on two issues.
First, we did not have all the details.
Second, if everything was as she said (originally) and he flat out says "no".... then I stand by the fact that he has another girlfriend OR .... and I should have added.... she (ladybird) is a FWB - friend with benefits.
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He's not going to bring it up. He already gave her the answer. The place is too small. Why would he ask her to move into a place he has already said is too small?
If she can afford a bigger place (temporarily until he moves in), she should do as I suggested above..... before signing the lease. If she offers a larger place and he says "no"....... hmmmm.
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Ok all - I'm getting the general drift here. Don't ask him. Probably a good idea. Perhaps wait to see what happens closer to the time of my lease running out - no doubt I will be chatting to him more about my own lease then and how it's running out so I never know what he might do.
Thanks so much for all your great thoughts and advice. It will keep me out of strife!!! (tee hee)
Oh, and Raven.......yes, what you say is BS and I wish you would just SHUT UP!!!! If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it!!!! I thought you would have learnt that already after all your years on this earth, but perhaps in your case it's not "with age comes wisdom", but in fact "with age comes utter stupidity".
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Appt is approx 700 sq feet.
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Ladybird, I have known guys who had FWBs who thought they were girlfriends. They wanted to move in and the guys said exactly what these others have said ("they needed their space"). I am telling you this because of my experience. A very close friend of mine (female) was devastated when her bf of two years told her "no" and then broke up with her. She found out later, from the other woman, that she had been a money ticket and FWB. And, because he dumped her, the new GF could move in because the BF didn't have to hide her anymore.
I hope I am wrong. And, I probably am in your case. But, if you remove all arguments (size) - and you haven't said there were other issues - and he still says "no", I think you should at least be aware of possibilities.
Remember, 'a man will never buy the cow if he's getting the milk free'.
I wish you luck and I am sorry you don't want to hear all possibilities.
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Remember, 'a man will never buy the cow if he's getting the milk free'.
And a woman will never buy a pig just to get a little sausage.
AussieFlower.
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No. You are wrong. I gave an answer based on what I was originally given. When the information was modified, I did say that he might have a reason. However, I then stated that if she removes that argument, he should have no resaon to say "no" -- and, she should suspect or look for the real reason.
Had we been told that he had said no before because of the size (in the first post) comment would never have been made. I stand by it based on the input.
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AussieFlower, you underscore my point. Most women will not stay with a man just for sex. But, many men will stay with a woman longer if she is still giving him sex when he wants it.
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hey ladybird,my previous experience is just other way around.we've been together for a year,and his lease is running out,he spent 2 nites a month in my apartment,I asked him a few times what he is going to do.He said he don't know.So one time I asked him directly.He said'moving in is a very big step for him because he never live with anyone b4,so he need time to think'then he told me after,he want to give it a shot.So I think you should ask him directly say'my lease is almost up,do you think I should move in with you,or I should look for other flat?'if he say no,still looking happy to say ok will you help me to look at the flat then,"BIG SMILE"just don't make him feel like you are forcing him.
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Thank you for sticking up for me JWM. I appreciate that a lot.
AussieFlower - you're an absolute ray of light - that comment about the pig is just wonderful :-)
Raven - read above.....SHUT UP!!!! You're only giving the impression that you are a grumpy old man and not getting any yourself. Or maybe your sausage isn't working anymore......
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Thanks missysun. Will ponder on that idea too :-)
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Ladybird, I have not insulted you or said anything negative about you (other than you withheld information).
In my experience, which you don't care about, the women who deny the possibility of another woman are those who do suspect it, but are afraid to say it. I never thought my ex- was having an affair because we were have sex 4-5 nights a week. I also never suspected her of being a bigamist.
I was a nurse for 17 years before changing professions. I probably have as much experience hearing about women problems as you have and I am probably twice your age. I did not say your "man" was cheating.... that is what you heard because you know it is a possibility.
If you remove all arguments he has given you and he still says "no", he has another girl. Bottomline, take it to the bank.
If you "covertly" get a larger place and then convince him to move in, he will eventually accuse you of trapping him.... IF you ever break up. That was bad advice.
Let these youngsters give you advice. I am gone and you are happy. As I stated before I wish you the best and hope I am wrong. But, never burn all your bridges.
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Raven, you really have the "I spoke - you listen!" type mentality. I'm sorry your ex cheated but don't take it out on all western women o.k? We're not ALL bad turncoats.
Ladybird, unfortunately your guy knows you're totally on for him.. could be good, could be bad. Why don't you pretend you've got a few other options to bring it back to an even playing field?
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I think I'll give it a go for Valentines day. I know a lot of you are saying that he will run, but knowing him I don't think he will, I just think he will be firm with me if he thinks it's a bad idea and he'll tell me why he feels like that, and I will be able to appreciate that because he is honest with his view - it wont mean he doesn't want to have a relationship anymore etc.
I've been getting lots of advice to drop hints to him while I'm at his place - say things about how much I like being at his place and how comfortable I feel with him, and how nice it is snuggling in bed with him etc. Maybe he'll get a slight idea then.
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You should tell him you think his place is big enough, but if he doesn't think so, maybe you can find a bigger place together, after all, splitting the rent will mean it will be less expensive for both of you.
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It's in a highrise but he is on the 9th floor, beautiful sea view etc.
We have bickering sometimes - but it's just normal. I retreat to the bedroom or have a bath and he retreats to the living room. It never lasts for long.
I agree maybe he would see something like that as the next step to marriage which is where i have to be careful. I also have no idea about his previous relationships (and don't want to), so im not sure if he has ever lived with anyone or whether he has been pissed off in a living together situation in the past. how do i find out?? should i find out???
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Stop guessing and wondering, just ask. Don't phrase it as a demand, just a suggestion - "How would you feel about...". Sounds like you're realistic enough to realise that a "no" doesn't necessarily mean anything other than "not just yet", so just talk openly about it. Can't speak for all men (unlike some - mostly women :-) ) but for me direct is always better than games and hints. Ambiguous questions get ambiguous answers.
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BIG questions on valentine's day is just setting yourself up for it.
Bad, bad idea......
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Personally, I wouldn't be too comfortable bringing the question up as I've always felt guys are pretty open about it if that's what they want. If a guy wants you to move in, he would ask and no amount of planting the idea in his head would change that....in fact it might make him more claustrophobic. If you're at the stage of thinking about co-habiting, surely it's time for the whole "where is this relationship going?" kind of conversation. If he agreed to you moving in after you'd asked him, wouldn't you always wonder if it was REALLY what he wanted?
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Ask him directly if he's ready for you to move in with him. If he says no or not yet, respect his choice. It doesn't mean he loves you less or he's not committed. He might not just be ready to give up his 3 days of alone time, or he honestly feels that his flat is too small for both of you. Whatever his reasons are, respect them.
In the meantime, ask him to help you search for your own flat. July is still 6 months away, and a lot of things can change within that time period.
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Zelda, you are right in claiming your own space whenever you feel like it, and not worry about other people's needs daily. Even with married couples, personal space and time alone (or with your own friends) are equally important.
If I were single, I would probably want the same set-up.
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Yes, very very good points!!!
You have really made me think, and whenever I'm at his house I am constantly getting food and drinks for him and cooking. I actually often wonder how he survives when I'm not there. I actually ask him jokingly how he struggles to get up off the couch and boil the kettle.
Oh dear. Men....what are we girls to do??!!!?
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stop treating them like babies and let them grow up...
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You can always set rules if you move in... in fact you should. Who cooks? How do you share grocery and household expenses? Who takes out the trash? Where do you go when you want "me" time or to cool down after a fight? etc.
That would make the transition easier.
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Ladybird: Some general observations on happy co-habiting from the happy couples I know (including myself)
1) Separate bathrooms. You have no idea how much this helps avoid petty arguments.
2) Your own space to escape to when necessary - that extra room is well worth the extra $$$.
3) Don't move into HIS space. Move into a new place together.
And ladybird, it is a huge commitment. If you must ask him, which personally I think is a big no-no if he hasn't brought it up himself, I would recommend asking indirectly, eg. "when do you think we might be ready to move in together?" rather than "Can I move in?" which might send him screaming with fear into the blue yonder. And.. err.. Valentine's Day is definitely not the time to do it...
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Yeah, right... separate bathrooms... in HONG KONG???? What, are we all CEO's or something?
Realistically, how many of us have more than one bathroom in our place?
Even among expats I'd expect it to be less than 5%.
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Before counting bathrooms and making house rules I think it would be a good idea to first of all get to know the guy. I have to say I found it quite odd (no, perhaps slightly reckless would be a better way to describe it!) that you feel ready to cohabit with someone to whom you don't seem to be particular close to yet. Which doesn't mean your relationship won't get to that point in due course, it's just that from what you write I don't think it's at that stage yet and you'll know if or when it's time to move in together - when it makes perfect sense to both of you, after having discussed it together. Of course, this is all theory and life's rarely mapped out like that so plan on renting alone but in the meantime let him get to know your hopes and aspirations and acquaint yourself with his.
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why not just look at property pages, circle some stuff, and phone agents in front of him.
If he opens his mouth and asks you to move in, then done deal.
If he listens to you talking to agent, but does not give the invitation to move in, then you have your answer
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Ugh....nevermind everyone...I've totally been turned off the idea. We had a massive tiff last night and I just realised what a bad idea all this is. A bit disappointing really, but now I'm just questioning everything. It's horrible - I think that's the first time we have really had a big fight, and now my opinion of the whole relationship has changed. Perhaps I'm just over reacting. I might start another thread to get advice as to what to do now!
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Ladybird,
Did you tell us how long you have known him/gone out with him?
Sounds like you are still getting to know him and what he is like, for example the tiff you refer to.
Would you want to move in just if the lease/property/cost issue was not a consideration?
Not implying you are, but don't let convenience/financial aspects cloud your vision at all when making this decision.
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"...first time we have really had a big fight, and now my opinion of the whole relationship has changed."
How typical.
Paraphrasing an old adage... "A good relationship is not defined by whether you disagree -- it's defined by how well you handle disagreement."
Come on, now... don't give up on a good thing "I really love my bf..." (the first thing you said from your first post) just because of ONE fight!!!!
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Poor man, you are totally correct. I in no way want to give up on the relationship, but I'd just never seen him behave like he did last night, and the way he behaved caused me to behave in a way I don't particularly like either. Yelling and screaming at someone I love really isn't my ideal Friday night (or any night for that matter).
I'm not going to give up, but it just puts stuff in a different light.
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Many of us behave like children when we fight. That's true.
Did you make up after the fight? That's an important step. If both of you apologised for the things you did wrong during the argument (even if you didn't come to agreement about the thing you were arguing about), then there's nothing to worry about.
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Ladybird, in the months (and maybe even years)to come, you will continue to see and learn more about your bf and yourself, both good and bad. And hey, it's normal (even healthy!) for couples to have a row once in a while..of course within certain limits.
Wait til you live together or when you're married...the ride gets better but it also gets worse!
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It's just getting worse and worse. We had our second huge fight in two days last night. It was horrible. I was staying at his place and we had started arguing in the cab on the way home, then we got upstairs into appartment and he started putting all my things I have at his place into a garbage bag and telling me to go. We eventually just shut up and went to bed. Still havn't spoken about it to each other. REALLY REALLY NOT MOVING IN AFTER THAT!!!!
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Wow... sounds like he's really behaving like a child... was it something important or something trivial you were arguing about?
If he does turn out to be the type who can't argue... better you found out now.
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I'm totally agreeing with poor man. I honestly can't get past the argument, and we still havnt spoken about it. I was going to stay at his place last night then at the last minute he texted me saying it was best I went home because we needed rest. There was a big smile at the end of his message, and he insisted nothing was wrong, but i thought about it a bit more on the way back to my home, and i really wouldn't mind if we had a "rest" or a "break" or whatever you call it. I just need to waters to calm at the moment. I just feel like the truth is we both have so much on in our own lives that we actually dont have time for each other. Oh my God I can't believe this started out as a moving in thread!!! Now what the f**k is it???
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Well if he is reading this thread it's probably a good thing seeing that I feel that there is a whole lot him and I need to speak about, it would get it all in the open.
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It seems he is making it clear that he doesn't want you to move in with him - although he may not have the 'courage' (not the best word) to say it to your face. The argument could be an excuse to "put you off". Perhaps let him know that you are not preparing to move in lock, stock and barrel. Is it necessary for you to stay overnight at his place? Why not invite him back to your place instead? Start laying plans for finding a new place - or renewing your lease - and make sure he knows this.
It may be the end of this relationship - I don't know you, him or all the details so would not conjecture - but the relationship does not sound as if it was ever at the moving-in-together point. It is time to start making your own plans for your future come what may.
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Claire - your posts are always so insightful and wise. yes - I have already started on your advice even before you gave it - ie. starting to make my own plans regardless!!!!!
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Claire - your posts are always so insightful and wise. yes - I have already started on your advice even before you gave it - ie. starting to make my own plans regardless!!!!!
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