Posted by
Taya35747
16 yrs ago
Me and my ex met a little bit over a year ago. He started chasing me and we moved in together after one month, later I found out that he didn't really break up with his ex girlfriend whild we were dating and living together, he still sees her occasionally, and have sex with her I think.
He broke up with me after six month saying that I was too concentrated on my work, and he thought that he didn't have feelings for me anymore.
We broke up for two months, during which time, he slept with a lot of other girls, and me with one guy for once.
We got back together after two months because we both want to give it another try. Everything went great for another six months, we've never been so close before. We even decided to move to another country together and start a brand new life together. I thought this time, we will manage to love and stay together for ever. I thought we were partners for life.
And then few days before I went to join him in the new country, he told me over the phone that he slept with someone else, in fact, later I found out it was three other woman in three weeks while we were apart.
Still, I want to work things out, because I believe that as partners, we can, and we should solve this problem and move on with our lives, since we're finally together after a lot of efforts.
But he said that he's too stupid to make me happy. I deserve better man and happier life. He said that he wanted to change, that's why we got back together in the first place, but now, he just don't think it's possible, and he didn't think I can ever trust him again even if we choose to give it a third chance. He also said that he loves me very very much, but we clearly want different things in life at this moment. So we broken up, and it's been over one week that we don't have any kind of contact with each other, since now we live in different countries and we were both very busy with our work.
At this point, I kept asking myself one question: In this relationship, who's the more stupid one here? Him, who keeps doing stupid things to hurt the one he claims to love and let her go even though he still loves her? Or me, who still believe her ex to be in love with her after what he did?
What do you guys think?
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
Sorry to say but you are the stupid one, not the more stupid one.
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sicn
16 yrs ago
I feel your pain and disappointment from your question. You just need some time to sort out why and how. But love makes us do stupid things and you are not alone. Many much smarter people did more stupid things out of love.
Just remember if a relationship bring more agony than happiness to your life, then that is not the one you shall keep. Life is an album. Put all the memory into the pages and close it and find and make more beautiful pictures.
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sicn is right - we all do stupid things in love - in particular, we tend to give our other halves the benefit of the doubt and to doubt ourselves instead...
sorry to say that the guy's telling you that he's just not interested - even if he's trying to soften it with "you deserve better" or "I still really love you I just can't give you what you need" type stuff - move on - you're much stronger than you think
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Taya actually i do not think either of you are stupid
The course of events you describe are things almost everyone will have experienced at variation of
Love makes you both behave like that -its never rational -life is not rational
You just did what you thought was right at the given time and don't beat yourself up over your decisions later
As the feeling of being in love wears off (which it will in these circumstances after a period of time)you will think more clearly
you will find someone else -give yourself time
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OMG...you really need to read this:
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Having Sex with You
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Having Sex with Someone Else
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Breaking Up with You
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak
And repeat these to yourself everyday, like a mantra until you get it!!!!
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.
You've already been more than stupid by taking him back over and over again after he cheated on you. How much more of a door mat do you need to be? Do you really have so little self respect for yourself that you need to be with a man who's told you, in every way possible, that you deserve better and he's a lying SOB who can't keep it in his pants???
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Hi Kaileyb
Thanks for your message ,i read them
and i will read them all the time
it is just my situation
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Having Sex with You
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Having Sex with Someone Else
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Breaking Up with You
He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak
And repeat these to yourself everyday, like a mantra until you get it!!!!
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.
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LGMV absolutely ,if Taya needs some action urgently it's quite ok to bend the rules for a night say and then go back to being a real hard a** the next day
that's ok
sticking too rigidly to the above rules(partic 3rd from the top) while admirable is going to rule out 99.99% of men in HK anyway - in HK there are far too many sleazy jerks afraid of talking about a future together
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For christ's sake Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela, learn to distinguish between when someone is just after sex (in which case they wouldn't really be posting here asking for advice) and when someone is hoping for a relationship but getting their heart stomped on by a jerk who is just after sex!!! GEEZ!!!
Once again, for those in the cheap seats and those who find this ever so hard to grasp, the so called "rules" wouldn't apply at all if you were just after sex, so to answer your question AGAIN, the rules are VERY flexible, non-existent even, if sex is all you want.
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Yea come on LGIMV get with the plan -it's not all about sex you know
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Can I just re-iterate that I didn't come up with the "rules"...it's from the book "He's just not that into you" written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and published in 2004. The reason I keep posting exerpts from this book is because it makes a lot of sense to me and to a lot of my female friends who have read this book, which basically says, stop wasting time chasing after a guy who doesn't want you!!! Go out there and find someone who does, instead of making excuses for the loser that you're chasing after.
Once again...Loyd Grossman is Miss Venezuela you are just oh-so-witty!
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
LGIMV,
Everyone here is trying to help the O.P. and your argument on your sex-crazed idea is quite unappropriate to the question which involve feelings more than sex. Please have a heart and don't confuse the O.P. during her delicate condition.
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I have no idea why men always said "you deserve better man and happier life".... my man told me the same the night we break up. How come he will know I will find a better guy and happier life after we break up ? I already have, I found my happy life and a good man, that's you !
Taya, you are lucky as you and your ex-bf both want to give it another try. By the way, there are not RIGHT and WRONG, STUPID and SMART in LOVE life.
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LGIMV,
relationship does not depend on looks only. its more then just the outer beauty. is all about the inside.
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Dear All:
Thank you all very much for your replys. I guess the reason that I kept asking myself that question, and kept giving him the benifit of doubt is because I hate to think that I've wasted so much time and love on someone who doesn't really deserve and appreciate me.
Actually, the second break up was so much easier than the first time. The first time, I didn't know he was cheating on me, and he gave me no reason when he broke up with me. But this time, I know what happened, and I know how different we really are. I took my stand when I left the country with a broken heart, and I'm trying to move on with my life a little bit everyday.
My friend told me that the mistake I made in this relaitonship is I am too trusting, in my ex's words. He quote President Reagan's famous saying: "trust and verify". I shall trust people, in general, but I should always check to see if their words go with the actions.
I know I am not supposed to defend my ex, what he did was really wrong and selfish. But just to be fair, he's not a bad guy, and I don't think he meant to hurt me. He's just too weak to control his own actions, and too immature to know who he is and what he wants in love and in life.
Thanks again guys!!!
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Oh my word, NEVER take him back or you will prove to yourself AND us all, that you have no self respect. Guys who do this are serial cheaters and cant keep it in their pants. You will make excuses like "He cant help it" Well, you can help it if you are dating said idiot.
Chin up, and harden the *bleep* up! Don't stay with people that treat you like crap.
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love makes people blind no matter how smart you are! i just have been through similar but worse experience as you had, i went to another country try to spend life to be with my ex and found out all are lies and cheatings. dont believe the man said in love with you but sleep around with another one, the real and true love would stop him doing anything to hurt you!
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A lot of time has passed, and I find myself in a very strange situation right now.
My ex wants me back. He's trying to find a job back here in shanghai, and work things out with me, and he says he wants to marry me if I can forgive him.
But the fact is, he's stuck in another country with a very busy job that he actually enjoys, and it's been difficult for him to get a job in shanghai because of the bad economy.
I don't know what I suppose to feel, or what I suppose to do. Any suggestions, you guys?
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i don't think he is good guy for u ,maybe some day he will try another girl again.
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open your eyes dear he's a waste of your time
don't spend another minute on a cheat and a liar
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you've already shown him that you will keep coming back for more punishment after you found out that he cheated on you after concealing it and then after he told you face to face that he cheated on you some more
hate to say it but it sounds like you have self esteem issues = you get treated so badly by someone but still cling on
you really have to get rid of people like that in your life because if you don't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to
find someone worthy of your time (and love) than a serial cheater
as linder says, he's shown he isn't a good guy and he will do it again
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i think you should get your own back and sleep with me.
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now take shanghai_guy here - a perfect example of who to avoid
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Squidburger:
Thank you very much for your kind words, but I would like you to know that I don't have self-esteem issues, and that's probably part of the reason why I find it not that difficult to understand his actions. I remember when we broke up, I told him that his actions didn't break my spirit, it's the dreams that he took away from me.
But you're right, I should stay away from him as far as I can. Not because of what he did, but because of the way he dealt with the problems in our relationships. He is immature, and emotionally hadicapped, and I don't want to be the one that babysits him.
I can still love a man if he has guts to make things right after he cheated on me. But I can never love a man who's after all, just a boy in Disney land.
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Demby
16 yrs ago
I suggest you stop allowing men treat you like a door mat, because they only come back to you between lays...
I'd work on a much more traditional approach and introduce the next potential bf to the family, they cheat less when local family members know their face, as it makes it much easier to be identified out in the street with another woman...
Don't take crap from shallow sex seeking short term employment contract yellow fever asphyxiated men... They stand out in rather obvious ways, going out most nights of the week, and not spending much time with you, is the first tell tale sign.... These guys think they are smart, in in some ways they are, they get all the tang they want, it's time women here didn't put out so easy and made the men work a bit, instead of just giving it to them....
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Demby:
I don't want to defend my ex in anyway, he is the worst boyfriend I ever had, but just to be fair, he is not who you think he is.
He has been with my family on several occasions, out of his own will. He spend almost every night home, with me, while we were together. And he had worked really hard in order to be with me.
Maybe this is why I have a hard time understand what really happened while we were apart during those three weeks, what happened that he had to do what he did...
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sicn
16 yrs ago
There is a disease called sex-addiction. Plus some men are never-grow-up Mama’s boys who need females’ attentions at all time. Unless you will always be physically with him, otherwise he WILL split again and again and again...
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"I don't want to defend my ex in anyway" then dont. It just makes you look spineless which you really want to insist you are not.
You are hearing what others think of this man you have tried to portray either bad or even flaterringly, just...take it from those who arent in your shoes, maybe there is another perspective being offered here and well, its not yours, so its not flattering, matter of fact, none of it is.
Psshhh on the sex addiction bs...yes it exists and most of the guys or gals I know who have this issue are more than just addicted to sex, they are also demented head cases! So its not like you wouldnt be able to clock em from a mile away!
Taya...be strong and just wait a while and you will be able to look back on this and laugh. You deserve better, and thats not some cliche, you really do. And one day you will be thanking your lucky stars you didnt end up with VD and also saying "Hell, what was I thinking???" And you will also be surer than sure that this relationship failed NOT because you were a failure, it failed because it just wasnt the right relationship for you!
You may think you just need to work at it and it will work itself out...well, you already know, thats not how it works! Dont blame yourself, you tried hard enough, now all you gotto do is move on and let your future hug you to its breast with happiness.
I have dated my share of peeps that met the family and passed the litmus test and I have done the same for theirs...let me tell you that is not indicative of them or me being a grade A specimen. Just know...you deserve someone who will respect, love and make you happy, not someone who will make excuses for being a fool.
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Justin Credible:
Thanks for your kindness. Mostly, I agree with you that my ex is not a good man, or the right man to have a relationship with. That's why I've already blocked his email account, msn, phone call, everything, so he's totally out of the picture.
But, despite the possibility that people might call me spineless, I still refuse to label him as a "bad person". And if you would bear with me, please let me explain why:
First, I don't want to hate anybody, especially someone I loved once, and shared a life with once.
Second, I believe we've all done stupid things that hurt our loved ones, maybe his stupidity is most unimaginable and unforgivable, but he is only human, or dare I say, he is only a man.
Third, I believe we humans are very complicated animals. There are so many different aspects to our personalities and identities, I refuse to judge one person just by one criterion. No doubt, he is a horrible boyfriend, one of the worst kind, he's weak, self-centered, stupid and confused, no sense of responsibility or commitment, God, he's not even a man. But he has some good qualities, and he did tried HIS best to behave. I can't deny him that.
Right now, I can not stay in touch with him in anyway, because everything he says or does only brings me agony, and every thought of him or what he did to me breaks me into tears. He really srewed me up, and I've lost most of my faith in love, and most of my abilities to trust and love someone. That's why I've cut him off completely, and I'm gonna stay away from him as far as I can, and as long as I can.
But one day, I hope not far from now, when I'm ready to look back with no hurt feelings, and look forward to the future like a innocent girl falling in love for the first time, I hope I can say that my last relationship ended gracefully, and at least one of us behaved like a decent man.
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Brilliant hearing the last bit...yes, time will heal all wounds and sure as hell hope your faith and love can be restored once you meet someone trustworthy who turns out to be the right one for you.
I head what you are saying on the 1, 2, and 3...fair enough. No one wants to hate and all that, and good on you for being the bigger person. I think, from the sound of it, even through the tears, you sound like you are well on the road to recovery...baby steps, eh? :o)
Good luck...
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Hello Taya, I hope you're feeling better.Worry not,the right man will come when you least expect it.And trust me it will,in God's own time. Allow yourself to heal and always tell yourself that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS";the pain will pass,believe me it will.
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I can't say I know the answer to your question but I wonder whether that is at all relevant? It is plain that both of you are immature (forgive me for being blunt; bluntness does not mean I have no respect for you - it merely avoids giving you illusions and misconceptions).
You should ask yourself: Why would you move to ANOTHER COUNTRY, not whether you were made for each other. If you just want to be with him wherever he elects to go, then you are making yourself dependent on that person, for better or, much more likely, for worse.
If I understand you well enough, you have only known each other for one year and been together for less than that, on and off. Clearly, you need to know someone for far longer before you let him control your destiny.
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maybe its better that you broke up to. its difficult to be contacted with STD or sexually transmitted disease since he has a multiple partner
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seriously. u know those shows like Jerry Springer? where they get people thats stupid on purpose on the show to get reactions out of the audience?
you know most of these "teenage magazine" questions on expat forums are actually asked by staff to populate the forum with mindless activity and ure a fool if you give you 2cents... whats next ? "my foreign boyfriend is seeing his Chinese colleague? "
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After a long time of struggling, finally, with the warmth of the coming spring, my feelings, even my memories of the last relationship are melting away...
I went out to meet new people like you guys suggested, at the begining, I wasn't able to feel anything, but now, things are different.
I'm starting to have feelings for other men, and it's terrifying. I know I should sit back and enjoy the spring, but after been in winter for so long, even the slightest warmth feels so hot and intense, and I have a hard time believe that the winter's really gone.
I think and worry too much, don't I?
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