Before we got married, we were both carefree singles living happily in different cities...until the day we met and everything felt so right. So..we were married only six months of dating. And we have been together for a year.
At one point during our relationship, my wife found out about my ex-girlfriend who was one month before we officially started dating and long before our marriage. Somehow she considered this "dishonesty" and "cheating", because I didn't tell her about it. She often used this an excuse to distrust me and want a divorce.
Lately she has been flipping out more often than usual about this. Having been through several relationships, I understand women often go through emotional waves, and I have tried my best to appease her and explain. However, the more I explain the worse it gets.
Now we are at the stage of talking about divorce and her moving out. She said she can no longer trust me and can't stand a "complicated" man like me... as this ex-girlfriend thing is a warning signal. Please note I have never contacted any of my ex-girlfiends since we started dating.
I love her very much and I consider myself a supporting husband. I have given her most of my money and offered her help finding a job (since she moved to HK). I do not want her to work hard since I make enough money, so that she can do something she really enjoys. I come home everyday right after work and once a while I go out to meet business friends, I always ask her to come along or tell her my whereabouts. I even take her with me on business trips...
I am doing all this since I really love her, and want her to feel secured, confident and loved. But she remains moody and unhappy at times, always because of this "ex-girlfriend" issue.
I realized there is no reasoning with her. All I can do is show her my love and care....but it ain't working either. Maybe she has mental problems? It hurts me so much to see her suffer and cannot recover from her well. I begin to think I am not the right man for her. She now hates me, I think, which I still don't fully understand why.
I got hurt so much, believe or not... and often cried during our fighting. I felt she has destroyed me and I just don't know what to do.
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Sit her down and explain everything to her and tell her of your deep love for her. I think she wants reassurance as like krips says, she may be a woman with no previous experience and her expectation in marriage is extremely high. Try to put it into her head that those girl friends are all in the past tense and she is the only one for you and that without her, your life would be meaningless. Open up to her and insist that she also open up to you to make it a clean slate. Ask her to ask you any questions and you'll answer truthfully to start afresh - see how she re-act.
If the above doesn't work, then she is a tough one to break. Good luck.
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Thank for fo all your resonses. Before this I felt all alone and helpless.
We are both Chinese who have lived overseas and moved to Hong Kong. I am from the mainland and she is from Taiwan. I am 35 and she is 30. We both had other relationships.
Her last relationship broke since she found out her ex having an "affair" during their cool-off peroid.
She does have a tendacy of going through my things including my computer.
She got very upset one time seeing my ex-girlfriend's pictures on my computer - which I never bothered to look at.
And her most recent compliant is lack of sex life which suggests I don't love her any more.
She said she felt betrayed by this ex-girlfriend issue...
She always asks me a ton of questions about my previous relationships, why it failed, how often I had sex etc. And the she will made her conclusions about me based on what I told her.
If I tell her too much, she said "You sound so excited."
If I don't tell her anything, she would think I am withholding information and "betraying" her.
I have assured her how much I love her numerious times, even when we were fighting.
I have explained those ex-girlfriends don't mean anything and told her why she is special to me...
But she seem to be igoring all this, instead fixated on me being "dishonest" since my description of past relationships were inconsistent.
I have asked her to see a marriage consulor and she tentatively agrees. God knows what tomorrow brings.
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I'm an Asian woman, married and very well educated and self sufficient.
And from my point of view, MOVE ON!
There's lot of women out there who are nicer, much more dedicated and less of a drama queen.
On top of it all, a lot of them are self-sufficient.
This should be an alarm REALLY LOUD one for you.
Take the break that she's asked for seriously and chill out.
Whatever insecurities she has, she should not be acting out in this manner. No man should be controlled in what I can see as an indignified manner. A woman wouldn't want to be treated in this manner, so why should a man. Unless of course, you are a sucker for punishment.
I know I sound harsh but seriously, this woman sounds very unreasonable. Ditch the drama queen. You're better off without this one.
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I am no sucker for punishment. I see your point and very much appreciate your help.
Me and her just had a talk now. It began nicely but when I said she need to do something about her own insecurity, she instantly flipped out and closed up. She told me to leave her and got really emotional...
It kills me a great deal to see her like this. I hope we will both be OK.
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Does she REALLY want to get a divorce, or is this just a type of manipulation game? If you called her bluff and said, okay maybe you are right and it's not working out - will she suddenly realise she's losing someone she really cares about?
At first, when I read your post, I wanted to hear more about this ex-girlfriend issue that's flipping her out - in case you were hiding some details. But from your subsequent posts, it sounds like insecure behaviour on her part - or perhaps a deliberate manipulation so she has more control in the relationship.
Best thing is counselling. Good luck and don't feel miserable. Whatever happens - if it ends, it wasn't meant to be... or the experience will make you wiser and stronger! :-)
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Reading the post, 2 things spring to mind. I could be wrong in both cases, they are just thoughts.
First
I have seen a tendency for Chinese women to 'test' thier men. And there is an element of emotional manipulation here. No matter what you say you cannot win. If you appologise it is an admission of guilt and the nagging gets worse.
These tests usually centre around a 'you don't love me, becuase if you did you would/wouldn't...'
If your wife is displaying this tendancy then if you cave, you loose, if you stand up you loose. And the 'sulk' can go on for several days.
But I think if you stand up you will loose that fight, but win the war. Very quickly in my marriage (me English, her Chinese) my wife could see that I was not going to play the game.
E.G. One night my wife was giving me the sulk treatment and her tossing and turning in bed was keeping me awake. At this time I was exhausted. So I just slept in the other room that night. She had not expected that and had no conditioned response to it. I think she was a bit shocked, but she appologised (a rare event).
We now hardly ever argue, and the 'you don't love me...' card is not played anymore.
I used the term 'conditioned response', we all have conditioned responses. If she does something, and you react in the normal way (conditioning), she will then react, then you, etc, etc. It is a negative cycle and a destructive pattern.
Try changing the pattern.
My second thought.
And this is a tough one.
You met and six months later you got married. You have only been together a year.
It is possible that she now realises the marriage was a mistake. And every thing you say or do reminds her that she is with YOU. Everything you try will only irritate her more.
If this is the case, and I hope it is not, you cannot win. At worst she will grow to hate you. At best you will learn to tolerate each other. And even if you still love her, you will never be truly happy. I have watched couples destroy each other with bitterness.
In this case, it would be better to get divorced and start your life again. Especially do it now before any children are born.
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Hi there.
Question 1, when you said you have been only faithful to her and don't think of anyone else, then why do you have pictures of your old lovers on your computer? Sorry but no wife can accept this.
Secondly don't ever think of breaking up, you both have made vows to each other to be together. So try and stick to that. Sit her down and tell her "its you I love, and then tell her she is taking a foolish step and walking away from true love.
This may sound very foolish to you, but consider joining a church, fellowship is very important and helps a good marriage get better.
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MJ1
16 yrs ago
Sounds like she wants to do a runner with your money. Get your money back first, and then see if continues to act immaturely...
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Try to find out from her the circumstances in which (a) she has been cheated on before, and (b) she may have cheated on someone else.
This has a basis in something, but definitely not what she is overtly on about.
Give her the opportunity to explain her side of the deal, and be very clear with her that if it carries on it will damage your relationship irrevocable (if that is indeed the case).
At some stage you need to be firm and unyielding to her tantrums and irrationaility.
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This is a serious question...is your post for real? People have responded with serious suggestions on how to deal with your problems. However, I can't help but think you are having fun with the audience.
If you are serious, I am not sure who is more crazy, you or your wife. Even if you do leave her you are sure to fall into another a bad relationship (assuming this one is real) as you clearly have no sense of judgement. One, for marrying this whack job and two, looking for help on this thread.
All, responding to this nonsense only makes this site useless.
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I'm inclined to agree with Misoup. You married her "for better or for worse". Try working it out together.
Leaving the relationship should be the last resort.
She's definitely insecured, overprotective and lacking in confidence. You've had a string of ex-girlfriends in the past. Her ex left her for another woman. She's probably playing up because she feels so low that she needs your reassurance during these arguments that you love her best.
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You are joking right? Dude, don't even hesitate for one single second!!! Rid yourself of this problem now!!! Cut your losses right now!!! It's the only intelligent thing you can do. Your wife has played her hand, the cards are on the table, and the cards spell trouble with a capital 'T'. This is just the sign of things to come friend. She will torture you. She will make your life a million miserable years long. Turn this curse into a blessing. Get out NOW NOW NOW!!!!
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This woman sounds narcissistic and unless you both go to counselling then it's time to respect your self and her and have a break.....
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s1339
16 yrs ago
Weekly_test, I hear your problem. It is difficult to determine what the root cause is based on the story, but I can perhaps explain some of questions you have.
1. You mentioned your wife was always curious about your previous relationship, how it started and why it failed, and if you tell more, she said you got excited and if you said less, she thought there's something hiding. This is quite a common case especially in Chinese culture. She wants to confirm herself that she is the most special & unique girl you have met and to ensure that there's 0% chance you will be back with your ex given the reasons of the failing relationship. She probably understands it is not right to dig into details of your previous relationship, but she did has a lot of curiosity. And once you started telling her the story, she feels justified to ask more. The suggestion I have is that when she asked, answer in the simplest way possible and showed no interest in carrying the conversation further and re-inforce the fact that it was past!
2. Telling your partner so much about your previous relationship can be very harmful. If you were a joker in the previous relationships, she might think that you would be the same in this relationship and has uncertainty and unsecurity. If you were a very romantic person, she might think that whatever you are doing to her, you might have done with the previous girlfriends. and this would make her feel unspecial. And she would go nuts.
Really not much you can do rather than just continue showing her your love and be faithful and hopefully she will realize SOON that it is silly to get annoyed and upset at what you did before meeting her.
Otherwise, like others said, move on!
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Does she watch a lot of Korean dramas? Sounds a lot like a Korean girl I thankfully no longer know.
If you really want to keep the relationship, I would say challenge her. Give her an ultimatum to cut the cr@p, and set strict rules for what kind of behavior is normal and acceptable in a relationship. I think everything she's doing is a power game, and when she's called on it she'll fold.
My advice though, run run run run run!
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Thank you all again for the thoughts.
(1) By posting this here, my only intention is to seek peer advice and support from kind people like you. I very much appreciate the concern from all of you. In fact, I went to church the other day and prayered God will give all of us strength and the power of love to go on, when we are just about to lose faith in everything.
(2) After carefully reading every post here and analyzing my own situation, I think my curren problem is a combination of (1) Lack of mutual understanding and agreement prior to marriage (2) Her moving to HK and having difficult time adjusting to the new environment (3) Her own insecurity and perhaps selfishness, even though I admit she can be very loving and giving (4) Her high expectations on me and the married life (5) My own inability to cope with a stressed relationship as I have done too much "loss cutting" previously and haven't really dealt with such problems before
(3) I remain committed to her and our marriage. And I am dedicated to make this work. I think seeking consel and joining church groups are both good ideas which I will take.
(4) I feel she is trying to cut loss but not me... I feel as if she thinks like a man sometimes and her way of dealing with marriage problem is either putting up with it, or one day deciding not to take it any more. There wasn't enough communication and mutual support in between. She tries to blame a lot of problems on the marriage itself...where I sometimes told her it's like a newborn baby - so special and gentle - that how can we blame our own problems to that? We have had many many long talks in the last few months and I think the communication is getting better...and now we can actually argue, disagree, or fight without questioning whether we love each other or not.
(5) What my wife has taught me is how much she has tolerated me. I mean, I am not an evil, unreasonable or careless person. But I have imperfections which I am used to but may be extremely annoying to others. The more I see myself through her eyes, the more I realize the severity of these bad habits. This doesn't mean she doesn't love me or anything. I just think sometimes love is blind and she is happy to take me in...and there are times when she thinks I am a total stranger. I myself have those feelings at times...
I will keep you posted.
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One more point, women do seem to have this amazing ability to recover themselves. I don't know how they do it.... It's certainly not because something I did or said to make my wife suddnely feel better. Sometimes she just bounced back to "normal"...
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Spot on, p.mason. He doesn't have to account or apologise for (and disparage - clearly what she would like) his previous girlfriends. If she can't cope with that, tough. He can't turn the clock back. Seems like he married in too much of a rush. Maybe she has now decided to cash in on her investmnent in marrying a man with money - create a bad situation, get a divorce then laugh all the way to the bank
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
If the husband is willing to do all he can to save his marriage, surely he is the only person who knows if it's worth the effort or not so why should outsiders discourage his action. Two persons in a relationship has no standard or particular formula but their own.
weekly-test, I admire your determination to try to win back your wife's trust because you love her and I hope she knows that too. She is a lucky woman as there aren't too many men out there who is as patient and trying as you. Why don't you show her this thread to let her know how desperate you were, seeking strangers' advices because her attitude was turning your world up-side-down!!!
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Thank you FKKC and everyone for the encouragement.
Regardless of what advice you've given me, you have shown care and warmed my heart. And you have taught me many things...
For those who think I should cut loose, you are certainly watching for my best interest also. It's great to have that backing from you.
For all of the people out there including myself, please do not give up hope, and please do not lose faith in the power of love. Because that is true power, not by persuation, coercion, trickery, or manipulation. This is the power of unconditional love which many of us have experienced or are experiencing.
I may be stupid and I may be love blind... In all this whole thing may seem like a mistake but I have no regrets.
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one point that did not get mentioned all along I believe - find her a full time job. If she is truly feeling insecure, she will for sure feel more insecure when she has all the time sitting at home, wondering where her husband is, what he is doing and who he is with. It is understandable that if she is waiting for you all day long, her expectation of the time with you would be extremely high and once it doesn't go her way, she flips. A healthy relationship involves more than two people, we all have to have our own lives apart from our partner. It will only bring good for both of her and yourself to get her outside the shoebox and take her mind off you 1/3 of a day.
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Just dump her the world is full with women
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I agree with MK. Something fishy is going on here that you don't know about...she is looking for an excuse/reason to dump you...she has met someone else. Perhaps online. Get your money, cut & run.
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There's quite a common and sad problem called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that may be the problem here. You should check with a psychologist who actually knows something about BPD and its variants, as many are rather old fashioned and do not. See the following website but do not think this is the problem without getting it checked out properly!!
http://www.bpdresources.com/generalresources.html
Whatever. Try to hang in there until you know more. A good counsellor is a start. Doesn't have to be 'something fishy'. But BPD is a serious issue that is getting more and more common.
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I agree with fongchhichi.
I have quite the same experience. I quit my country to join my husband.
Different language, different food style, different culture.
Always stay alone at home, doing house work and waiting my husband back.
I had a lot free time of think (imagine) what he was doing... I tried my best to look for the pictures of his ex-girlfriends here and there (eventhough he distroied all of them). Since I had too much free time and nothing else to do, I paid too much attention to those subtle things which made me unpatient and I became unreasonable, very easy to get angry.
So you'd better find her a full time job which she can enjoy the social life and pay less attention to you...
Hope can help you a few...
Best wishes.
Now I found a job and work the whole day, we're must better. More communication then before.
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Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies..
Indeed you should be patient with your wife coz this is the most critical point why she is going nuts. She just need your assurance that you love her more than your ex. She is longing for your affection and loving care more than you have given her. It does not mean you have to give her your salary. Make her special to your life and she wont think at all that there is another woman in your life.
Assurance, loving, caring and understanding her means a lot to her. Making her understand the reaility of your marriage is that you and her can only solved if you want it to work out. Marraige counsellors and church group counsellor may helped too but spend time making her special.... say i love you everytime to her and call her everytime and let her know she is always in your mind day, and night.
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jackynine, sorry but I have to disagree with you as he has been patient and loving and supportive but that has gotten him nowhere. My advise is to take a strong stand to buy himself some thinking time. Make arrangements to stay with a friend and tell her he wants a separation to think things through and he will let her know what he is going to do. This way he takes his power back and she will see he means business. From what he has posted he has not committed any crime and I have to say it...but she sounds like she has a little growing up to do. If she doesn't wake up soon she will lose probably the best thing that has ever happened to her...He sounds like an awesome man...that really cares for her
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I feel so bad for you! maybe you should have one on one conversation with her! Hope that you can sort out your marriage!! Good Luck!
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Hi weekly,
I think you sound like a very nice person. I'm a Western female and I do think a lot of women get carried away dreaming of fantasies of our men cheating if we are bored in a new country. Your wife doesn't think you are cheating, does she? She just thinks you didn't tell her enough about a previous relationship, right? Why didn't you tell her? My guess is that it didn't come up as you only knew her 6 months. I think you should tell her that you don't find it helpful to talk about previous relationships because you can't win, like someone said before. If you say she was unkind and you didn't like her, you might sound unkind or like it's untrue. If you say you loved her, your wife would be jealous. It's a no-win situation.
i agree that your wife needs a job. You need to control your money. When your wif is threatening divorce because you had a love life before you even started dating her, this sounds like a volatile, unstable woman unless you are coming home with alcohol on your breath and lipstick on your chest! If she doesn't want to go to counselling, read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book. It will help. Lastly, you and she got married quickly so you need time to get to know each other. Is her jealousy lightening up? If my husband, who I'd known a year had photos of his ex on the computer, I'd be happy if he deleted, but hurt he'd had them. I could beleive he didn't look at them though. You sound very nice and like you are trying hard. Your wife is not seeing that her behaviour is destructive and hurtful, but you are trying to lovingly tell her. Good for you. In the meantime, try and have more sex or tell her it's hard to sleep with someone who doesn't make you feel accepted and your love life will improve when she's more appreciative and supportive. No person likes to be with someone who is jealous of imagined people. YOu say the woman isn't even in your life! if you were still seeing the ex or calling her, this would be grounds for a divorce or jealousy.See if you can find any marriage help books. They will talk about your problem and showing the book to your wife will help and will save you tons of money at the counsellor's office!Good luck.It's nice to see a man work so hard to save his marriage, but if you get beaten down mentally for too long, you won't want to try.
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This will sound frivolous and possilby chauvinist, but I speak from experience here. It could very possible be hormonal and a check-up on her hormone levels with her GP may not go amiss. It may also briong her some answers as to the way she's feeling. But good luck - I empathise
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I know from personal experience how betrayal from a previous loved one can affect a future (current relationship).
I understand how your wife's obviously unreasonable when she flips over your ex. girlfriend and gets angry when she asks you about her but actually hates hearing anything of the sort come out of your mouth, but she's actually very scared and insecure about herself. She's afraid of losing you the same way she lost her ex, and that's why she's so scared of any so-called 'signs'.
She either gets over it all, with your support (you shouldn't condone her behavior, but please also be understanding. She's not doing any of this or behaving this way to hurt you. She's hurting herself, living in her own little bubble, THINKING that you COULD cheat on her. Just keep giving her the confidence that she's the only one you love. Just keep reminding her that she's the only one on your mind now and always. Don't lie, and avoid talking about your ex. anymore, even if she asks. She doesn't REALLY want to know, you know? It would just give her even more to think about. It's like she's looking for confirmation that you CAN cheat. So don't give her that. Just say, "I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's in the past."
If after an intolerable length of time, she's still the same... then it's really up to you.
Just know that she's not deliberately hurting you...
Good luck.
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Maybe I am too naive to ask, but did you tell her completely all your 'past' in one full story? I mean, did you really sit down with your wife, firstly say sorry to her (honestly), and tell her a complete, honest, true story of your past including any girl or woman you have met or loved or had relationship with, and more importantly, let her ask you questions and you truly answer them without feeling angry or being emotional?
Maybe some readers will say we are crazy, and I can only speak from myself / some woman's point of view ... but ... imagine: if your wife has a secret, deep secret lover before whom she had really crazy relationship with one month before she met you ... she never intended to tell you, and you were supposed not to know ... ever ... and one day, one of your friends tells you that he has slept with your wife sometime before and it was wild and crazy ... how will you feel? ... will you trust what she says all before? will you ask her why she never told you?
What I saw for your case was:
1. Your wife was supposed to be someone you claimed during your marriage that you will love her regardless of what
2. She found out that you had a girlfriend, who just broke up a month ago before meeting her
3. To a woman, sometimes it is very hard to imagine a man can drop a relationship and within just a month start a new one ... from our heart, sometimes it is very striking ...
4. Also, to a woman, what we worry most is not our boyfriend or husband cheats on us or cheated your ex-girlfriend before, not at all ...... so what's our worst nightmere?
5. Our worst nightmare was that our boyfriend or husband has a secret, a past that was hidden somewhere sometime ago, we do not know, he never intends to tell us ... and one day, boom ... we heard it from someone else, right in our ears or see it in our eyes ... that's the most devastating situation ... and that's what we or I scare most ...
I am not sure how serious now your relationship with your wife is, or whether you did or did not talk to her like that, all I can wish is good luck to you both.
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Oh Lord - to sit down and analyse every relationship ever would take a lifetime. Think you would expect any normal human being to understand the in's and out's of a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario and the consequences of a break up.
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tranquilizer (i hope i spelled that correctly) thats what you need!...lol just kidding to the point...actually i have gone through the same problems for almost 3 years!!! what i did was to see a marriage concillor. he told me that my wife has serious trust issues with me so i adopted a new strategy. i got my self a 3g phone and a webcam at work .....
i call my wife every 45 minutes when i am outside office or with friends....i have a webcam at work which broadcasts me while i am at office.
its been 6 months now and we havnt had a single fight...oh and just to be on the safe side you might wanna record your video feed so that later you can grab a popcorn and watch with the kids, incase your wife doubts you. '
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ejecthunter,
video feed? you are so bad! :")
tommyknocker,
maybe one day, if we find the 'right' one, the truly right one i mean :")
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Ok this is the 1st time I have read one of these blogs. It is rediculous to reach out for help on an open forum!? What are you thinking? BUT now I feel I need to give my 2c worth..
Grow a pair of balls and move on or go and get proper help and then grow the balls after to make sure it is not another waste of your time and money.
Cheers
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Dear weekly_test,
My advice for you is to make things work with her.
I'm seeing things from her point of view. I was like her once in my relationship before. I was hurt and he promised not to hurt me. Well, eventually I found out about something and it's a different story here since my ex was proved not to be as loving as you.
But what I'm trying to say is that she loves you but she had been hurt before. Due to trauma, females tend to act that way. All females are the same, they just need to be loved and cared about.
Spend more time doing small little sweet things for her. Held her hand and stroke her hair whenever you get the chance. I believe she can feel it eventually. And even though there's no frequent sex, she would still feel your sweet affections toward her and slowly but sure you gain her trust back and therefore she would stop her nagging and sulking.
That's my thinking, I wish the best for you.
Cheers
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When you find the right one - there won't be any need to post on these boards. That is the tough bit. And even if you do find the right one, the situation may dictate that it doesn't work out. Life's a bitch, then you die.
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Your wife is insecure and can't trust anyone until she decides to. My husband (together 7 years) has photos of past girlfriends in his photo box and I'm still friends with some past boyfriends but it's not a problem for us as we accept that when one finds a partner in ones mid 20's, they will have a past. One of my ex's was recently in HK for 3 months for work so we met up for lunch and a chat without my hubby and that was 100% fine with him because he trusts me and if he were to have the same situation, I would be fine with it because I trust him.
I unfortunately agree with others here that it might be a case of her wanting out and wanting to blame you. If you've not given her any reason to doubt your integrity then what she's doing is quite unfair and she should be made aware of this.
I suggest she perhaps reads this thread....
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bmurv
15 yrs ago
She needs to have girlfriends to regulate her emotions. Noone can change the way she feels. She will learn over time to take a risk in her marriage or later relationships by trusting others. Her issue is 100% hers, she has to own up to this and want to get better. She does not have the confidence that she will be ok if she is betrayed again.
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