Posted by
jajawong
17 yrs ago
i have felt in love with a Nigerian guy for about 4 months
because of the Right of Abode in the Hong Kong , he asks me to marry him , so that he can get the right to stay in HK
at the very beginning, i refused to start our relationship, but we did start it finally.
i love him but i am doubt whether the extent of love is enough for me to marry him by just knowing him for a few months.
I haven't let my parents know i am falling in love with a foreigner and as a traditional Chinese girl, i really hope that we can get the recognition from my family & friends before making any decision. At this moment, i really dont have any confidence on our marriage life. Also, this is my first love, i am not ready to get married.
So, i request him to wait me 1 year , but he said that 1 year is too far away and his visa does not allow him to stay such a long time
Then he propose to shorten the " waiting " period to half year,but i still say NO.
He is angry abt this , as he thinks if i really love him why i can't just go to the Marriage department to sign the document, marriage is such a simple matter in his mind.He promises me he will work hard to earn money to hold a wedding party later
When he asking me giving back the key of his house, which symbolize he want to break up and stop any contact, i really want to die and really dont want to miss him.
i dont know what should i do, any opinion?
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You might think you will lose him if you don't marry him quickly. Well you will!
He wants a dependent visa from you and if you don't agree to marry him so he can stay in HK, he will find someone else to get him that visa.
You may think it's love, but if he is more concerned about his visa status than what you want, to him it is just a business transaction.
Find someone who puts your wishes before a stamp in a passport.
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Agree with Claire.
From what u typed, i think he just wants to stay in HK and its never abt LOVE...its pretty clear he is making use of u to stay on in HK. Since u don't agree in marriage so soon, he already change his mind n ask for a break-up? Wow!
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But i am not his only choice in HK, there were some other girls approaching him before me and one of them even give him money to support him doing business in HK and want to marry him...and he said that i am the LOVE in his life...the girl he wants to marry is me...
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He is your first 'real' boyfriend, isn't he?
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lol @ hee larius
jajawong - guess ur easily pleased with sweet words...did u see it with ur own eyes those girls approaching him OR he told u so?
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What I can see is , he wants to marry your HKID Card.
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he is coercing you. Marriage should not start with coercion.
alarm bells ring a ding a ling...
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jajawong,
it all sounds like bad news. please don't marry the man just to help him stay in HK. do it only if you love him and are ready for marriage.
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There are so many things in your proposed union that a marriage is unlikely to succeed or last.
And what if you have children when he leaves?
Nigeria is a hot spot for fraud; how does he support himself?
Coming from a popular emigration destination it sure sounds like an immigration scam rather than a marriage proposal.
You said it all: "because of the Right of Abode in the Hong Kong, he asks me to marry him, so that he can get the right to stay in HK".
Wake up and help him pack. Hong Kong doesn't need him.
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why do i feel he want marry you as your marriage could help his visa. sorry my first feeling read your words
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Wait... Wait... Wait...
Let me see if I got this. You meet a guy. He is incredibly sweet, good to you and does everything to make you happy.
Then he tells you that he needs to marry you so that he can continue to stay in HK in order to be with you.
When you tell him that you aren't ready to get married he gets angry and threatens to break off the relationship.
Does anyone else see the irony here? Jaja (I have a niece with that name), I am sure you are a nice, sweet girl. Probably under 25. I really don't want to break your heart, but you are being scammed. Give this guy his key back and never, ever talk to him again.
You will find love again. But anyone who pressures you to marry them for a green card is only interested in a green card. And once they are married to a nice traditional girl (who won't divorce him when he shows himself to be the really bad selfish guy that he really is) he will use you and make your life very miserable.
You may not believe what I am telling you but it really is the truth. Do yourself a favor and find any other HK girl who is married to a Nigerian man who married them so that they could get a green card and ask them what their life is like.
Don't fall for his sweet lies. You deserve much better.
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Sometimes people love learning the hard way.
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eyai
17 yrs ago
that guy is trying to manipulate you, and it seems like it's working from the last third of your opening post. He senses your vulnerability and is working that.
I'm a guy and I can tell you the guy is potentially dangerous if he is (1) so manipulative and (2) looking to gain something with nothing to lose for trying.
This is a predator you are dealing with. Don't let it go any further. Sorry, but I really think this could become a dangerous situation for you.
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What he said to me becos he is angry with me at that moment, we cried together. After we have clamed down, he said sorry to me and give me back the key.
I think he is serios on our relationship. He likes to live in HK, now he is 29, He thinks he is qulified to get married, he wants to settle down. He loves me and he wants me to be his wife.
I have known him since last year 's Jun. But we start our relationship since this year's April.
before starting our relationship, i am so bad to him, i turn a deaf ear to his calls, say sth bad in order to make him run away from me, even i did this, he still keep trying to persurade me to come into his life. Actually, i have also posted here to talke abt this. but my post has been deleted becos of the racial discrimination (but i dont think so ,sure)
We had argument on this last night, really no succesful example here!?
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why Love is such painful
i dont want it again
i prefer to live alone for the rest of my life
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eyai
17 yrs ago
should say, some people have to learn the hard way. Good luck, jaja.
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eyai
17 yrs ago
But I want you to know, everybody who has replied to you, including me, are NOT discriminating against this guy because he is Nigerian : only because it is too obvious to all of us that he is trying to cheat you.
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Can you ask him if you can move to Nigeria instead and see how he will react?
Please try to be strong, falling in love to the wrong person does not translate as the end of the world...you're still young...don't throw everything away because of him.
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I do agree with eyai. We against you marry with him not because his nationality, because it is too obvious to all of us that he is trying to get the HKID. If he love you really, he must respect your feeling, culture, family and your friends. Not only push your to marry him.
Many people keep the distance love on the world, their boyfriend or girlfriend are in other country, but they still love each other or marry finally. Why your boybriend can't go back to home, and then contact eachother through email or webcam or your bf fly to HK when he has money or time? Or he doesn't make sure does he still love you when he is not in HK? If do, just forget him as he doesn't make sure love you completely but still want to marry you? Don't you think it is not logical and nonsense?
Wake up! Jajawong.
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eyai
17 yrs ago
It's not just that he wants to get HKID and residency, look :
"But i am not his only choice in HK, there were some other girls approaching him before me and one of them even give him money to support him doing business in HK and want to marry him...and he said that i am the LOVE in his life...the girl he wants to marry is me..."
Wah! this guy claims he has other girls who are going to support him to do business and he also promises he is going to "work hard and earn money."
!!!!!
Jaja, don't get cheated out of both love and money. And if he has nothing to lose, he is potentially very dangerous.
hah, maybe that feeling of danger is very attractive, no?
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first love finished can be very painful, but you must be strong and face to it. if you don't want this pain going through last of your life, then leave this guy asap.
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RossM
17 yrs ago
This bloke wants to marry you for one reason only: so he can live in your country.
You are very inexperienced as far as relationships are concerned and you shouldn't be marrying anyone at all who is your first boyfriend.
This is especially so if this guy is pressuring you to marry so he can have residency.
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Jaja,
I hope you listen good to these people who gave you advices.. They are telling you facts and it is all true... Don't be stubborn... Using your head not the heart when there are matters like this and decisions to make... Don't be fooled dear! You may regret it at the end and he may have the last laugh...
Understand?!!
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cwk
17 yrs ago
Jaja - how are you now?
I think this whole thread is by far the most illuminating I've read here. And I'm very curious what has turned up in the end. Because clearly, we do not have enough facts - occupations, education, family background, abode - to make our judgments even though every one has such good intentions here. The outcome could be 50-50, in my opinion.
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sub
17 yrs ago
Jaja - your last post sounded so sad - hope you are OK
If you are still sad now, you won't believe me now, but you WILL find love again in life - honestly you will. It really is possible to love more than one person in life. And when you find the next love, you will wonder why the hell you were so upset over this guy.
If he loved you he would not pressure you - do NOT fall for it - it is definitely wrong to marry him for this - and maybe ONLY because YOU are the one who feels it is not the right time - that is enough of a reason. Also Chinese family culture has many good things going for it - I am married to a Chinese man - I am sure you prefer your parents to support you in your love also. Maybe talk to them about this. They will have your best interests at heart.
If he backs off and stops pressuring you, MAYBE he is worthy. What is wrong with waiting for a year or so anyway? It is NOT the end of the world for him to have visa problems, he can come back later you know. None of this would be a problem for him if his intentions are sincere. Lots of people have long distance relationships. And he is young, there is no hurry. There is no reason he should lose you if he can't get a visa. If all he wants is a wife and quickly, then it isn't you he wants, it is just a wife (or worse, visa) - you deserve better.
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sub is right you know jaja. I came to Hong Kong to be with my boyfriend. We'd met in England but he had some family problems and had to return to Hong Kong. I came here for my 180 days, but I was young and didn't know the visa requirements, so I'd left all my documentation in England, like my university certificates and so on, so I couldn't apply for a work visa.
I didn't ask my boyfriend to marry me, I didn't pressure him that I'd have to go back to England if he didn't marry me. What I did was return to England for a few months, work hard to save up some cash so I'd have time to look for a job, I made a million copies of my visa documentation so that if I did get a job, I'd be prepared to apply for a visa, and I did it all properly.
You DON'T need to get married to a local in Hong Kong. Usually it's the other way around!
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reincarnation,
I have sent my contact to you by Private Mail, pls kindly check.
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hey, think about it, if he already pressures you BEFORE being married, can you imagine how life is AFTER being married ? I dont think you would obtain more space / right than now.
His pressuring you seems either he is not mature enough or bad intention. Either way means this relationship will not be easy to handle.
Ever heard that marriage usually fails when a spouse expect she can make her husband change ? If we take that theory, that means you are not suppose to make him change for you, that means he can be himself and - continue to push to do what he wants from you ?
cross cultural marriage is difficult. You are very much traditional chinese. It will require big effort from you to cope with foreign culture.
and you are also not so experienced in relationship. It is not a big deal if first love does not work out. The more important is to learn from experience.
take care of yourself, be happy. :-)
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jaja, how's things going now?
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jaja - i think it's pretty clear he is using you to stay in HK. No one demands a marriage that soon, let alone a MAN.
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you can feel that many ppl's opinion is the same. he wants to get the visa in staying in HK.so he do this to you. it seems that he use this as a condiction to be with u. better leave him. As i know many Nigerian ppl are not so good.I am in guangzhou.guangzhou people knows.
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leg7
17 yrs ago
4 months is not long enough to know a person. Not sure if you really know him enough..or perspharp you think you do ! Going out with someone from a different background/culture is hard enough and marrying someone who you only knew for 4 months is a dangerous thing to do. don't do it..take your time.
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how's the relationship now?
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