Am I too stupid or too naive to expect to find normal partner from internet?
No you are not stupid, but you are a bit naive, from what you are saying. "We were out like a couple" sure, if a "couple" means "two" of a certain thing, like "two people" then the statement is true, but if you are talking about a "couple" as being two people in blisfully happy relationshipdom, erm, you are being a bit naive. He is simply a guy who went the distance to "see how it goes" and maybe after having been good company and superficially gotten along, the truth of the matter is his assessment is that there was no future in it. Hence him telling you that the differences were too great.
I think it is easy for them to get sex in their own place, but why did they come so long way for this?
Your assumption that it is easy to get sex in their own place is just that, an assumption. Also, why would someone go the distance for such a long shot? Well, just like you, searching the internet, your own long shot, to find a life partner, maybe the guy was also doing the same. Look in the mirror, if you are looking for something, maybe they are too, only difference is that when they came to see what it was they were being offered, maybe they realized it was not what they wanted or that you both want very different things.
Good luck though...hope you find what/who you are looking for. Don't be too despondent, I know a lot of people who have found true and long lasting love through the internet, they would never have met their partners without that one step into cyberspace.
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If you look on the positive, you had few mice weeks with some different men. Ok, that's not what you wanted but I think each experience helps us grow in different ways.
You haven't said what made you wait so long to find a partner...
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you are hooking up with Italian and German guys in china?
Is there something wrong with you or are you trying you last attempt at 40 for that ultimate white skin catch?
Are all the Chinese Men Impotent or what ?
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Syed - likely a 40+ year old woman in China is well past her sell-by date. Hence OP looking past the shoreline, just my guess.
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I think having an interest where you meet other people is good, like wine tasting.
From what I saw of expat men in Hong Kong, they don't appear to look for anything substantial in Asia. I don't like to make sweeping statements, but I have a wide circle of friends and they all want white boyfriends. The men they met were here on business and saw my friends as fun for a short time but theyd rather settle down with someone from their own countries.
One of my Anglo-phile friends is now with a boy from Hong Kong and she's deliriously happy.
I have to admit that I'm a bit embarrassed by the expats in Hong Kong, they dont make an effort to learn the language or fit into the culture here. I get the impression they feel everything should fit around them and the men give off the persona that they are gods gift to women! If I wasn't very happily married to a local, it would be difficult for me to want to date an expat.
But each to their own.
Oh, I'm white British by the way.. Been in Hong Kong 8 years now and speak a conversational level of Cantonese, basic Mandarin, Japanese, Korean and Tagalog.
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OP, can I ask you why are you looking for a partner from a different city? There are almost 20 million people in Shanghai, is it really a necessity to search in FoShan and Shengyang??? And also it is really easy to meet new people in Shanghai...
Like Justin, I know some people who met online and are now happily married. However, very often you may get a liking of a person online, but not like them offline. I have met a few women online in the past. Everytime I tell them, please, let us not exchange photos, not exchange too many letters etc. Because both patries start to build a picture of someone, someone who does not exist in reality! Cos you pick the things you like and are oblivious to traits you may not like about a person.
Anyway, so I have also done in the past, what those guys did to you, not because I originally planned to do it, but because there was something missing. Even if it was missing, I was still happy to have sex... Not because it was the goal of my intention, because it was the only thing I could have from something that would go nowhere.
You may also be scaring those guys away with your desire for LTR. Talking about marriage with strangers who you have not met is a bit odd.
I used to date a woman who asked me on our third date, why I tell her that I like her instead of that I love her. I was like, ugh, well we just met... It so happened that later I did love her. But generally women who too soon start saying that we are dating, that we are serious, that they love me, or that they can see that I love them (when I have not done ANYTHING to give that impression), make me cringe a bit.
Don't give up!
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Some pretty good, solid, first hand advice here. OP, do you have any comments or footnotes here? How do you think you will proceed in the future?
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selda
12 yrs ago
unfortunatefam,
you remind me of a friend who used to put the cart before the horse: every time she met a man online she immediately pictured him as her future husband. When they finally met in person, she would give off these weird vibes, and the guys would run a mile. she is a very attractive, intelligent woman, and yet these guys were not interested because they felt she just wanted a 'husband', so any man who ticked a few boxes would have been suitable for the job. Well, they hadn't applied for a job, they just wanted to get to know her. No relationship starts as a "serious relationship". It may become serious over time, but more often than not, it dissolves before congealing into a LTR.
So my advice to you is RELAX! Enjoy the time you spend with guys, get to know them well before you start thinking or worrying about the future.
PS. if you hang out for a few days, you are not a couple. Thinking that you are one can be very offputting. If a guy behaved like that with me, i would think of him as a creep!
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Pssshh, if you feel you need to become a liar in order to get a man...gf, I pity the man you manage to rope in.
Sorry, but life is such, there must have been some reason for things to get to where they are now. A lot of the time women date all the wrong guys through their 20's and 30's or keep refusing marriage proposals as they hold out for something better that never comes...
Hmm...Lying may help you get a man but I highly doubt it will help you keep him, at least, not in the long run.
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Big fan of the poet, malka, thanks for that. That said, have you any idea how much these matchmaking places charge? A pretty penny, from what I hear. Not cheap at all! A complete rip off for the ones who really are at their last resort.
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Bica
12 yrs ago
Unfortunatefem,
First, I would like to say that you are not that unfortunate. Your experience is not unique. We are of similar age and I have girlfriends around me who are in the same situation. I guess it is a challenge for our generation of Chinese women.
I want to drop you a few thoughts here out of my own experience. I have crossed that path of meeting people online and chatting to men at a distance.
Meeting people online is no different from meeting people in reality. You need to take time to understand someone. It sounds cliche but a relationship should start from a friendship. It looks to me that your experiences were somewhat like a job search. It started off with a long online assessment and ended with a two-day interview. You talked about plans and personal lifestyles, etc. The question I want to ask is did you take time to understand these men and their personalities ? Did they possess any personal qualities that you liked ?
Men at a distance are chat mates only. Do not expect anything but just a friend to talk to. Do not enter into a distance relationship unless you can afford to travel. You will be miserable if you rely on the man to come in and visit you. Distance relationship requires two people who are both frequent travelers and strong minded.
Italian men are great for sex and just keep them for that purpose. They do not necessarily travel to you just for sex. As you said, they can get it closer. They are so passionate. Bringing a woman to bed is just impulsive. It does not mean much.
Meeting people online is fine but you really need to see people and take time to understand them before anything serious can develop. Look for someone in the same city or somewhere closer. Take a more relaxed approach, if you do not get a partner, you get a friend. Try to find people who have common interests with you so not every date will become an assessment test.
I am in an affair with a world traveler and he is Italian. I would not call it a relationship even though we have been with each other for more than a year. I know what I am saying.
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Just go to Europe or Australia for a few week and have dozens of men chasing after you. So easy.
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Aw Hun, huge sympathies.
My friend is 30 now and she's so fussy with men. I think men get fussier the older they get so she's struggling to find someone too. She is trying Internet dating, but that is in her own country.
I do think its difficult to find a man in Asia, even more so when you're older. just keep doing what you're doing, getting out there and meeting people.
Have you out of speed dating?
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Maybe you could be more tactile with the men you know and like.
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Why is it when the male to female ratio is something like 114/100 there seems to be a shortage of eligible men,can somebody " in the know" enlighten me please
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Yes Malka,I can understand that,I,ve beeen using a dating site for maybe a year there,and most of the people I viewed in the early days are still there,many very attractive and look very eligible.What seems bizarre is all these people,and I may have to include me..!!,are all still alone,and a year older,its a strange world
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They sound married to me - especially the Italian. Western men think that Asian women are 'easy' (to have sex with) because they will be in awe of the Western man. Please don't get fooled by this - having sex too early in a relationship is demeaning and the relationship gets stilted, with sex as the focus.
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Malka, how is overeducation a reason against dating a woman?
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I'm sorry I have to strongly disagree with Michelle. My husband and I got together after a one night stand. Sex is not the focus of our relationship at all and I think it is very closed minded and old fashioned to think like that.
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Strikingsunset wonders why its so hard to find a man when there are so many people looking.... And is not the first person to ask this.
The answer is either you're doing something wrong, or you're expecting someone "out of your league". Think about it : Joining a dating web site does not change you, or the way you interact. It just puts a larger number of possibilities in front of you. Unless you behave differently, you're going to get the same results you always did. You need to change how you related to potential partners.
I think LGMV is right. Trying using your feminine charms on the men you have access to now.
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Hmmm, this is really quite an interesting forum, as it builds on the basic situation and covers a lot of areas of Men & Women, especially here in Asia.
I am an Australian guy, lived here in HK for almost 10 years now, and lived through a marriage breakup here (through my own culpability).
It does seem to me that Western men try to live life a lot more "in the moment" here, and that just means the future is probably "back home", whenever that may be. So, that translates to how they interact with women, and yep, it does NOT usually translate (in large numbers) to actively seeking a mature age life partner, especially when she is being a touch predatory in her approach.
So, yes like others have said, relax, enjoy the ride and then the guys will probably start to appreciate you more, and THEN things can start to develop.
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Perhaps a 40 year old woman is considered old in China but you would think with all the Chinese guys in China who can't find women due to the men/women ratio they might be happy with a good woman regardless of her age.
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Well, 40 years old isnt young, so lets not kid the poor OP, BUT, its still possible to find love and in some cases, have babies (I know of someone who met her husband at 39 and popped out 2 quick kids in the two years to follow). So yes, its all possible.
I think, just, when you are 40, its time to realize that the product you are selling is not exactly fresh off the vine and that now might be a time to have lower expectations. *shrug* Just sayin. A rich old guy can still hold out for a fresh faced hot young woman, but a 40+ woman regardless of how rich, would be hard pressed when it comes to finding any worthy takers...I mean, look at J-Lo and Madge, hardly ended up with cream of the crop young guys, have they.
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Further to Justin's comments : sushi at half price after 5 o'clock.
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let my clarify my comments about the 5 o'clock sushi. Being older does not make you less valuable as a person, it just makes the marriage stakes harder.
my best advice is to look for a mature man (both age & mind) who is beyond the mid life crisis stage. This kind of man won't be interested in night clubs, discos or all night parties, He'll be looking for a companion. Specifically, be open to older men, they are more likely to treasure you, and since women have a longer life expectancy, don't worry about any age gap.
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Unfortunatefam,
I know many woman who in their late 20's were much more past their use by date than others in their late 30's. Some people age well, while others don't.. Don't let your age be the determining factor in whether you consider yourself a "5 o'clock sushi or not".
My advice is forget about your age.. look for someone that matches your personality, outlook on life and youthfulness.. he may be 55 ... or 35.
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How can you all be so Dumb?
When people meet online, it can be a nice meet up, but it is meaningless.
Relationships are all about Chemistry between the 2 parties, if the Chemistry is not there, no amount of interpersonal skills and personality can work. For some it takes a few days for the Chemistry to take effect, for others its immediate. if a guy sees an attractive Girl, There is no Chemistry element immediatly, though the girl can feel it, it needs to go both ways, so the situation here is, you met someone, He saw an attractive Girl, or at least somone he thought would be Sexy, She had some Chemistry, he didn't, after the encounter, there is no Chemical effect. so he doesn't get the lock in feel. As we meet each other, we develop a Chemical addiction to people we are Chemically bound to, such as your Wife or Girl friend, when we are apart, that separation creates an effect known as withdraw. A Girl can capture her man, by being around him more, and making him adicted to her chemistry, but if there is a negative Chemistry between them, it will have the reverse effect of pushing him away, and making excuses. If the experience mentioned, he wasn't addicted, and he wasn't rejected, he just had the experience, didn't feel the chemistry and made his excuses.
As a girl, you need to meet people in person, a few Dates, to acertain Chemistry before making and commitment. Don't confuse Sexual Passion for Chemistry, it can take a Month to be sure.
Test it your self. Is there a pleasant or unpleasant smell on the partner? We all know about Bad feet etc, but what about sweating? if the sweat makes you feel sick, then this is bad. if it makes you feel Sexy, or secure. then its a good bet. You need to get past the Soap and perfume smells.
Thats my 2 Pennies. Enjoy.
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i have to say that i am in love with Cyberience1's comment about smells, it is so true.
nothing says love more than loving the natural smell of someone. everything is connected.
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Remmy
12 yrs ago
unfortunatefam - Did you use any protection with the first man or the second one? And if not, how do you know you did not spread any disease from one to the other from these foreign men? I know this is not the direct topic you have asked about, but it is also relevant to a situation like yours.
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I agree with the point about smells, but the OP's already mentioned she has a small circle of friends at work, is working late hours and finds it difficult to meet new people as a result.
Cyberience 1, since you haven't given any suggestions to the OP on how she could meet someone in person, and given her situation .... how do you suppose she'll test your theory on smells?
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Unless you're planning to steal the husband an Au Pair would not be a good job to meet people.
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