What is wrong with me?

Hi All


I just need some advises from you. I read some of the messages posted here and also the advises given by you guys. Some do sound rather mean but valid at the same time.


Just a little intro of myself so that it will not cause any miscommunication and confusion later.


I am in my early 30's. Basically, I am rather ordinary like majority girls. I do have moderate confident in myself and I do not just give up whenever I encounter obstacles. I know that I often give others the impression that I am full of confident and positive. I am positive and able to give reasonable advices to friends whenever they need help but can never solve my own problems and get really down some times. I do not deny that I do have charisma and character that sometimes people will turn their heads to look at me on the street. Friends and colleagues never believe that I have any issue finding a partner but the truth is I do. After giving up my 10 years relationship 2 years back, till today, I am still single.


Some asked if I am too picky or comparing the guys that I came across with my ex. The ans is no. I understand that every guy has their own uniqueiness and that is the reason why we fall in love with them. I never compare their looks with my ex too. My ex is good looking and it is hard to find another who is equipvalent to him. Hence, I do not compare their looks to him. I just ask for the basic...ie, he has to be intellectural so I can learn from him and lose myself in admiring him, honest, understanding and most important we can share and communication about anything. Ok, average look or at least pleasing to me. Is this too much to ask?


I sign up online dating hoping to meet someone sincere and true... but seems like tough luck. I did meet up some guys and it is always very interesting in the beginning but after a few outtings they seem to have lost their interests in me. I really do not know what have I done wrong or what is wrong with me. Books give fantastic suggestions to date, like going to pubs and stuff.. but that is just not me. I love partying and drinking but I dont quite like the idea of going to such places to fish for a partner. Most of the time when I go with my gfs for clubbing, guys will stare.. but u know they have other intentions...


I have to confess that I am not that smart as compare to some other girls and my English is sucks. This is my greatest obstacle and it sometimes make me feel inferior and ran out of topic in front of strangers. It is also an obstacle at work. I am trying hard to improve myself.


Sorry that it is quite a long message but I hope you would give me some suggestions and advise, not only on where and how to find a partner, anything that you think I should improve on. Some days I am so depressed that I wish God will take me back. But I guess HE doesn't want me too or else I won't be here typing ;). How can I leave SADDNESS behind and move on.....

Dear xtal75 - your message is heart-felt and sincere and you seem to have good insights into your own strengths and weaknesses. You are only human after all. None of us are perfect.

One suggestion I would make is about your "requirements" - "learn from him and lose myself in admiring him". This sounds undesirable as it is most important that you (and every individual) maintain and enhance your own knowledge, experience, capabilities etc and AT THE SAME TIME, during relationship, build on that, and learn from each other, and grow.

As for going out with friends, just be yourself and confident in knowing that you have much to offer. You will be surprised how attractive you will be - and for the right reasons.

Keep positive and take care but do not be afraid. All the best to you.

'I do not deny that I do have charisma and character that sometimes people will turn their heads to look at me on the street. '


'I did meet up some guys and it is always very interesting in the beginning but after a few outtings they seem to have lost their interests in me. '


Maybe overconfidence is your problem and the guys you dated just didn't find you so attractive? And what does 'my English is sucks' have anything to do with not being able to find a partner?? Pls. enlighten us..

Hi All

Thank you for your all precious advises especially Fabio.

MC Jung - do you really think that I am over confident about myself when I am telling the truth? I know I am just "moderate" confident, if I am over confident I would be posting here and ask for advises. I would think that everything I know if correct. Pleasd do not have the wrong preception when I mentioned those above. That just serves as a reference for advisors like yourself...about me and the way I carry myself. I have never been boostful about it. About my English, it will definitely affect somehow because without good communication skill that is a big obstacle. Don't you agree?

Aspect - if I would to remove those basic requirements, then what should I look for in a guy? Like I have mentioned he doesn't need to be Mr Universal but just pleasing to my eyes..(not others,I don't care). Intellectual - I think it is easy because like I have mentioned, I am not smart.. any guy could simiply be smarter than me and that is enough as long as I enjoy learning from him of what he knows. I fully agree with you about the online dating and that is also the reason why I have decided to give up. Again, agree with you on the "hk guys practically look at any moving breast on the street." I think this applies not only men of any nationality but women too. However, the thing is I dont flaunt my breasts around with extremely revealing outfits. When I mentioned they turn and look, it means they look higher than breasts or overall...you can differential it somehow.

i think trying to find a nice guy in hk is not easy. i think the good ones are taken and the rest are here just for a short and good time. i suggest you do not loose confidence in youself, rather realise hk is not a great place to meet quality men!

guys - i think she's based in Singapore, still wanna continue slagging off the guys in HK??

Communication IS important hence the question.. Why don't you find someone you can communicate with in your own language? Isn't that obstacle free??


Are we having another 'how to make a western guy fall in love with me' thread here?

"I did meet up some guys and it is always very interesting in the beginning but after a few outtings they seem to have lost their interests in me."


Men apparently are interested in you initially, but not interested after a few dates. There is something you are doing - or more likely not doing - which is preventing the relationship from progressing.


You go on about communication skills but that only goes so far. A lot depends on what you are communicating. This statement: "he has to be intellectural so I can learn from him and lose myself in admiring him" suggests you are playing the "dumb blonde" which many men find annoying.


If you want a man to be interested in you, then be interesting. And don't mention your ex.

She is not asking about HK guys nor wanting to specifically date western guys, so lets focus on her question.


xta75: You're just feeling down and questioning yourself too much. It is not easy to find someone who is suitable and compatible. I have friends who are still single, 5 years after their last relationship. Some take it in stride and are happy go lucky. Some feel depressed and down because of it.


It is good that you are trying to do something about it, like dating etc. And it is normal to feel like you have run out of topics to talk about and feel inadequate because you can't 'make conversation'.Maybe you just haven't met the right person, to give you the chemistry that you need to keep the conversations flowing etc.


Also, as we grow older there are less choices available. You need to give yourself more time.

Hi again xtal75 - you are more than welcome. I thought after I wrote that it may have sounded a bit clinical. No harm done after all.

I also like Claire advices on the last line - "if you want a man to be interested in you, then be interesting. And dont mention your ex".

Sage advice, and must remember this works both ways as men often talk more about themselves instead of asking questions and listening.

Remember even though you are attracted to the intellectual etc - admiring can only go so far before you should expect some admiring in return!

Otherwise you may truly "lose your SELF" and that is what people need to know about you in order to be attracted to you.

Hope it makes sense?

Take care and keep smiling.

Read this book before and it's really a nice one. Think it doesn't give you the idea of how to get an ideal relationship but also letting you know the core issue/obstacle of yourself. Impressive!


well, my situation is pretty much the same as xtal75, got so many question marks about relationships and not very happy before. but, finally got it through as I learn to enjoy everyday no matter how it's going, single or not, just happy with what i have.

Dear All

You all are angels. Thank you very much for the advices. I am not feeling well tonite and have to rush a report for tomorrow. I will get back soon when I am better.

Thank you.

Hi again xtal, and chat noir - you are right, that is why I followed up after talking about strength/weakness - not wishing to be interpreted as being a "clinical" response.

Later I tried to reinforce the importance of xtal to not lose her "self" in admiring man.

Hope that is clearer.

All the best.

Hi All


I am back but still not feeling well. However, I think I will give my final words here and thank you very much for all the advises.


Just to reply to some of your comments :

MC JUNG - thanks for actively giving me advises. You are right about being with someone who speaks my lauguage. In SIN, we mostly speak English and Mandarin. I understand and also able to speak English but not good enough. what I meant here is depending on how good you are. Comparing a doctor or lawyer's english with a hawker or coffee shop helper's - this group of people know and can speak English as well but just not as good. As for me, I wish to move upwards and improve myself. I do not just want to go for easy way like finding someone with same capabilities. If they are better than me of cos it will be great. Hence, this language issue can affect me because if I can't speak or write well and people may find it difficult to communicate with me... same as for work.


claire - i fully agree with what you say -"If you want a man to be interested in you, then be interesting." I will always remind myself this.


Pimpkin - I will look up for that book.. thank you.


I was hit by a really bad news last night, nothing to do with my mega headache, was so hurt after getting to know it. But I am better now.


Thanks again and I will continue to read here. Do post any comment if any.


Special thanks to rouge, fabio, claire, balzac, glitterog, itchyfeet2006, pumpkin, chatnoir, and featherwind.


Cheers