Posted by
expatguy1
14 yrs ago
So yea, the wife had a fling, about 4 or 5 months, he was a friend of both of ours. It was all about the sex, so I am told.
My delima is, should I drop a dime on him and tell his wife of his recent conquest with my wife?
Will it hurt her, yes probally. Will it make me feel better, yea, I think it will. I am not seeking to be vindictive, but honestly is the best policy, right....
If your opinion is no, don't tell her, I would be interested in the reasons why.
The reasons for her cheating is not important at this time, in my opinion, that's for another post.
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jwm
14 yrs ago
Absolutly you should tell her. You know him, do you suspect there have been other women he has slept with?
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Wow, that's a big one, I'll need time to reflect on it.
My initial and spontaneous move would be "do not tell her" as I think she is entitled to know but that he should be the one to do so, or she to ask questions.
I have a feeling that my final answer would be more complex.
One way you may want to find the answer for yourself is: if he had told his wife, but your wife hadn't told you, would you prefer:
a- not to know?
b- that your wife tells you?
c- if she doesn't tell you, that the guy's wife comes and tells you?
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Ahacha...
I had asked myself similar questions and my answer is, I would want to know, regardless of how I found out. Obiously, I would want it to come from my spouse, but in the end, it would not matter, so long as I found out. Others may be different, I realize that.
In the end, my wife told me. I shared with her I may tell his wife, she has asked me not to for fear of hurting his wife and for making her look like a fool to his wife as well. (yes, she knows his wife)
She is entilted to know and he will not let the cat out of the bag, even if up against a wall. SInce it is over, there are no questions for her to ask out of curiosity.
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If there are kids involved, I think it would be better not to say anything. It's also best thing is not to do anything crazy that may result in you going to prison (such as the temptation to punch his lights out). What you are describing has happened to a lot of people. Maybe best to leave your wife and move on.
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I really would ignore your wife's pride, if I may say so.
She knew what she was doing, as well as the potential consequences, (same goes for your friend), and asking protection from you is.... a bit much.
Now, it is difficult, and I myself feel paradoxal on it.
Just like you, I want to own my life for what it is, so yes, I'd want to know.
I was once in a situation that lead me to believe quite clearly that a friend of mine was being cheated on by her husband. She was not the closest of friends, but still...
I decided that I would not play a part in it and didn't say anything. Sure, I was not involved in it, but in a way, you are involved in it with your wife, as well as with the friend, but the fact that he is married is irrelevant to you.
I'd still be tempted to say "do not play THAT part in it".
You may need to find a way to, as a couple, saty away from them in a way that she doesn't suspect anything, but neither you nor your wife -nor his- I think would be better off if you were the ones to tell her.
Unless you know her well enough to know that she is like you and me, someone who lives with the truth and prefers it no matter what. In that case, then yes, do her the favour!!
Ah lala, very hard...
And... I'm sorry for you.
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Thank you for the well chosen words of advice Ahacha
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ask yourself for your reasons. i believe you only want to tell it to have your revenge. don't give in and make the decision that is good for your family
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Before telling anybody, ask yourself how often you have sex with your wife ? She has sex desire and if you can't fulfil her, it's your problem too !!! But I am not saying she is right to sleep with your friend.
I don't see this case is purely Black or White !
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KoMo
14 yrs ago
Very hard decision and I am almost sitting on the fence, but leaning towards 'not telling'.
I tend to agree with achacha where I would question whether it is your place to tell someone else this. Do you really want to get involved in the dispute between another husband and wife? I can totally understand the emotion involved in you wanting too (I could imagine feeling totally the same - I would just want to burn him to the ground any way I could!), but you must try and focus on your own marriage and situation instead of trying to seek vengeance.
In saying that, if my shoes were on her foot, I would want to know. Even if it was a complete stranger who told me (sorry for the confusion!).
Even if you still feel strongly about it then leave it say a month or so, wait for the emotion to die down a little and see how you feel about it then.
I honestly believe in Karma, what goes around comes around. I am sure his wife will find out sooner or later, one way or another, even if it is not from you.
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in my very humble opinion i think they wanted to be caught.
for men, if it is just about sex they would have sought it elsewhere, some other relation that wasn't so close to find out about. but since it appears to be another friend-couple, then perhaps there was a desire to be found out.
with women, perhaps they find it harder to jump into bed with someone whom they don't know, so they seem to cheat with a friend of colleague or someone closer to home, no?
but since you're asking if you should out the male, then perhaps he will be found out again anyway, so you don't need to be the bad guy in making it public, the truth may just surface on its own.
and for you, i'm sorry for you that you have to be the recipient of this news. it might just be only about the sex, but it still hurts i would think. i think one of the other comments was true, perhaps this is a time to investigate your relationship with your wife and why she feels the desire to cheat. in her telling you, she was completely open - perhaps this was her way of telling you there is a problem, and that you both need to fix it. this was her cry for help?
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As a woman I would want to know -- even though I know it would hurt to the core. Good luck with this.
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maxis
14 yrs ago
why don't you call his wife and ask her out for coffee.
then just talk about stuff, not the cheating but anything.
spend time with her, text her, but dont tell her.
It will drive the guy wild and stress him so badly, as he would be expecting the worse every day. He would start asking his wife what you were talking about and become so possessive.
This will make her start asking him what his problem is with you, and make him look like a jerk.
eventually he will have it out with you and his wife will take your side, and she might dump him for being so stupid.
then she will look to you for support and confide in you what a jerk her husband is.
in the end you will sleep with his wife, or he will confess.
then you can dump your wife, or alternatively you four could be open wife swappers
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Having played with revenge before, it is shallow and short lived.
Jazzz says it best above. Let it go.
You have a marriage on the rocks and you need to sort that out.
Do not waste your time and brain power on getting back at the other guy.
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I appreciate all your comments and feedback. I am taking it all in right now. This happened over two months ago and my wife and I are working thru things, I have just had this lurking in the back of my mind for quite some time.
There are no kids on either side. I did see his wife a week ago, was polite, but short. Perhaps she iwll find out, I am not sure, I am not sure what I will do though either. I know his wife and I know that she would want to know this regardless of who it came from. But there is no rush and I am ltaking in all the comments from all that have posted.
Thanks
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Maxis, I love your idea - well the first part of becoming chummy with the wife as slow torture - what a hoot!
>>
I know his wife and I know that she would want to know this regardless of who it came from.>>
@expatguy1 - you have answered yourself. If hubsters is poking it around Asia then for her own health's sake there may be urgency in telling her.
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So, supposing you don't tell her? Are you just going to continue being friends with them, as though nothing had happened? If I were in your situation, I would probably never want to see that guy again, and in that case, I wouldn't care about what either of them think about my wife. So, if it makes you feel better, then I don't see why you shouldn't tell her.
I've never been in this situation, thankfully, so I don't know how I'd react, but I think I'd find it hard to continue with my wife.
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If you decide to go for dovorce you will want to cite the guy as co-respondant. So it would be out.
If you are trying to patch things up there would seem little point apart from revenge.
However, if you did tell it would be different coming from you (a damaged party) than it would be from a 'concerned friend'.
I personally would cut out the friend and his wife. If his wife wants to know why, then he will have to squirm. Also, if this was just a sex thing, I doubt your wife wants to see him anymore either. If she does still want to see him then there is an emotional attachment, another issue.
Sorry if all I am doing is raising questions. This is a very personal issue, and it is a very personal decission you have to make.
As for comments that it will leave the kids scarred for life. This is the kind of emotional drivel that does not help. Many people are scarred by parents who should have got dovorced but never did. Many kids survive divorce and grow from it. Kids are resiliant and can recover from bumps.
And at the end of the day, most of carry scars from school bullies, bad parents, bad relationships. We just don't all decide to become victims.
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I had this discussion with friends years ago... about whether you should say anything.
What we came up with was...
- Expatguy, you should tell the husband that you are going to tell his wife about the affair. That gives him the chance to come clean himself first. If he fails to do so, well you already gave him a warning.
I think you should tell the wife. I would hate to be that wife, that everyone is talking about behind her back saying 'hey guess what, her husband had an affair and she doesn't know'. It's horrible to be cheated on, and it's horrible to have people gossiping about you behind your back and to be always kept in the dark.
Whether or not there are kids involved, the wife has a right to know and can then decide what to do with the information. No one has the right to decide this for her.
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Jazz... Never said that I wanted to "get back" at the guy. Nor would I be doing this for vengence.
I have moved on, the wife is remorseful and I feel it's genuine.
We are no longer friends with the couple (their loss in my opinion), he will need to explain why to his wife I guess why we are not around anymore, but I suppose that will be a lie.
I am not looking to hurt anyone on purpose or accidently quite frankly. I just don't think this will be the last time for this guy and I hate to se her sitting around taking it on the chin while he is wetting his wick, but I suppose that's not for me to decide.
I guess I could modify Slammy's suggestion and call the guy and tell him I am going to drop a dime on him, but in actuality I don't. Maybe he would come clean to his wife, but, I do realize regardless of who tells her, she is hurt, which is not my intention.
I suppose karma will work it's magic in the end.
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Although a tangent, why is it that people prefer to stay in a broken or failing marriage and believe that it is somehow healthier for the children?
I am the product of a divorce, multiple ones, and I am not scarred from it. Why? Because they were healthy enough to accept that if they had stayed in an unhappy loveless marriage it would have left us boys with that image of a marriage. I understand that not all parents are capable of such insight, but still.
As to the original post, I just don't see how you could let it alone. I can't blame your buddy much, I mean, I am sure that your wife is as hot to you as mine is to me. That being the case, can you blame your friends for wanting a piece of that? The question of whether to tell the wife though is a simple one for me. She is a human being and deserves to know. Regardless of the other complications, there is already something wrong in the marriage, something that needs to be addressed. By you not speaking up to her is no better than if you had been the one doing the cheating. If she chooses to forgive and work through, that is her choice, but I have never really heard anyone say "I wish I didn't know" unless they were completely dependent on the other for their livelihood.
But that is my belief. I would want to know, and think it is my duty to say something.
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It is a hard one, difficult to find right or wrong, in my opinion.
However, for the ones who think expatguy1 should tell his friend's wife based on the mere fact that he is a person who knows that another person is being unfaithful to their spouse, I have a little "philosophical" question, out of curiosity:
if you extend that logic, does it mean that anybody you may have heard of who's a cheater should ultimately denounce them to their spouse, no matter how personally you know that spouse? Just for his/her right to know?
(and I DO believe in the right to know, which doesn't mean I believe in anybody throwing themselves at telling every cheated spouses about betrayal; in fact, nobody knows whether she knows about potential previous affairs/her reactions/decisions, etc...)
I do, though, like Slammy's post...
Oh well...
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Also, another point.
If you tell her, you hold some responsibility for whatever might happen next.
Of course, not for being the cheater, the ultimate responsible person is the husband.
You already know that she will be upset.
Let's say they get a divorce, ok, that could be turned into "well, good for her, at least, she knows what sh'es dealing with, and she decides it's not for her".
Now, let's say she gets so hurt that she ends up commiting suicide. Agreed, it's still her husband the cheater, but without you she may have never found out, or in other circumstances, or would have been unhappy in the marriage anyway and left, etc.... nobody knows.
You then have to live with the knowledge that you telling her had an impact that cost her life. You have to leave with the questions: "what would have happened if I hadn't said anything".
WHich is why, as much as I am entirely for the truth, playing such a big part in someone's life has to be done carefully, and with understanding of one's full responsibily (again, not for the cheating, of course) for it, and for its consequences.
No?
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I would wait a reasonable amount of time and not do anything about it, let the strong feelings subside (count to 10 as they say).
I would actually not get involved. The fact that you have been hurt by this does not mean you need to take revenge... it is tempting, but I think after you take that reasonable amount of time off this topic, you will realise that it is not doing anything for you at all. You have to focus on you and your own situation and keep your own house in order. Messing up someone else's marriage (or even planting that seed that might lead to such a result) should not be on the agenda. But as I said, the emotions are high now... rest it out. You will be thinking clearer. It is a very hard decision to not do anything - harder than telling her. But perservere....
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I think you should let her know, but not with the intentoin to hurt her, only to inform all parties involved. However, you don't have to do the dirty work or chance appearing like a fool in case she chooses to believe in her husband's innocence/ to ignore or simply accept it -- tell her husband by email that someone has to tell her about the cheating: either him or you. He will probably choose to do it himself. Give him a deadline. If he doesn't do it, forward that original email to her -- it will be date-stamped to show her that you have given him the chance to come clean with her. If you don't have her email address, have your wife tell her about the fling, afterall, she was an active participate in the fling. Then at least the other victim will have a chance to ask questions or to yell at her to get her anger out if she chooses to.
BTW, how did you find out?
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I think that you do need to tell her.
In the first instance she must now be wondering what she has done such that you and your wife don't see her and her husband anymore.
In the second instance, when she does find out (from someone else) then in her eyes you will have been as complicit as your wife and her husband in this whole affair, because you did not let her know what was going on when you found out.
At least by speaking with here you can a) let her understand why it isn't wise that you all hang around together any more, b) let her know that it is over and that you and your wife are trying to make a fresh go of it, and c) let her make her own decisions, as opposed to being kept in the dark.
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Children are capable of rational thought, even at young ages jazzz. People often underestimate the capability for a child to process and understand things when you give them the chance. Splitting up should be avoided and is not as ideal for a child as a strong loving family structure, but an unhealthy structure is just as bad, if not worst than a friendly divorce. And in the same turn, a messy divorce can scar. I had the benefit of seeing several civil divorces and separations. If the parents are rational people it is not only possible, but quite easy to accomplish.
And yes, if you did manage to kick my a** I would eventually get over it.
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Jazz, can you read? Because if you can, you would have read in my 3rd post there ARE no children involved. So please wake up and stop showing your ignorance, it surely must be embarrassing for you.
I am not real sure where your hostility comes from, but perhaps you need to clean your own front porch before srepping on someone elses.
To the rest, thank you all for your feedback and suggestions, they have been, with one exception, very helpful and reasuring
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Jazz. Do you know what it is like to live in a home where the parents should have got divorced but didn't. The parents taking out thier anger on the kids through psycholigical and physical abuse.
Week in week out. Year, after year, after year.
Several of my friends in school were from 'broken homes'. Guess what, they grew up into well balanced people. And I also envied them.
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I would have to disagree with someone's post when they said that if you tell the wife, then you bear some responsibility to what happens afterward. The husband is the one who cheated - so anything that happens afterwards, regardless of who tells the wife... it's ALL the husband's responsibility and nobody elses. That's what I think!
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Slammy, logically I agree.
But the sad reality is that when it comes to blamestorming anything can happen. That is why people shoot the messenger.
Yes the husband is responsible for everything after, but when the proberbial hits the fan it gets messy and the blame gets spread.
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Saying the informant bears responsibility for his action (informing) is not saying he is responsible for the cheating (like I said already), or should get blamed. Informing is still taking part in whatever the chain reaction is afterwards (divorce due to cheating spouse, etc...).
That's my view anyway.
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Think about it this way. Pretend you didnt say a word, that would do a couple of things.
Firstly it would, in a roundabout way vindicate the actions of your wife and the man in question.
Secondly, it would be extremely unfair on the other victim, his wife. Imagine being the only person out of the four that doesn't know what is going on? Imagine she eventually found out and knew that you didnt say anything to her?
I am presuming you must know her in some form or another, and to be fair I'd be extremely upset if that happened and I was the last one to find out. But better she finds out now than later. And I am pretty sure she will, better from you, I'd say.
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Indeed, not saying is also a choice of "action" in which the "non-informant" has some responsability! ;))
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Oh and beijingman, what kind of response is that! You idiot!
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Maxis and rititt, your advice is very naughty, like something a child would come up with. get counselling with your wife. if you forgive your wife, let it go.if u don't forgive your wife, leave. if u think the man is always cheating, that's different. Read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue as a couple. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
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maxis
14 yrs ago
yes, perhaps.
Actually, in reality, I would:
- not tell his wife
- tell him to never be seen in my social circles ever again or suffer the consequences
- never dare contact my wife, or again or suffer the consequences
- get counselling for myself and my wife.
I would leave it up to him how he managed it to his wife.
She will work it out eventually.
It would be unbearable to have that guy in your face and yet be the one who had to keep thie mouth shut, and be the innocent one.
with that guy still on the scene it will be a constant reminder of the hurt in the past
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Well, that could be another solution, Expatguy, if you are hesitant to tell the wife. As Maxis said, you could shut the couple out from your social circle, thereby causing the wife to become suspicious and perhaps leading her to reach her own conclusion.
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Good things come to those that wait.... I have just found out that the man in question was also screwing around with yet another woman, this one not married, but, it did not matter. His wife caught him in the act.
No, I had nothing to do with it, I was out of town for the weekend with my wife and he was busted by one of her friends who called her up and told her she had seen him with another woman being very "familiar" with each other. The wife promtly went to there they were and...., busted.
I do not know if she knows about his other conquests, I have not said anything, but I do have to admit, I have a smile on my face.
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Good for you....I also have a smile on my face.
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Same for me! Happy for you... but also for that woman; she deserves better than a serial cheater.
It did take somebody... to tell her after all! :))
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Haha I don't really believe in karma, but maybe I should reevaluate my belief system!
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She'll probably forgive him and he'll carry on as before. Plus ca change.
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Yeah, I am with Loyd on this. Sorry but if its not your secret to tell, best not tell it. Some folks are better off not knowing. Hell, if I found out my brother did the dirty on his wife, I wouldn't go tell his wife. And in the past, I have found out a friend has done the dirty on his gf, and I simply ignored it. Its his life, he can screw it up. Years down the road they split anyway...no one looks at other pastures if they are genuinely happy.
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I had a conversation about this a number of years ago with quite a few friends and was astonished to find out that they would prefer not to know if their spouse had cheated.....something to consider. In my opinion, it will all surface in time and the cheaters have to live with themselves EVERYDAY. Nothing could be worse than that, surely.
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Thanks Superoo, but the question was not should I "ditch" my wife or not.
Quite honestly, I am not willing the devest the time and effort we have already put into our marriage
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If your wife really loves you and wants your marriage to work, make her tell his wife. She owes it to her to let her know he was cheating with two women at the same time
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I don't know how much time and effort your wife has put into your marriage, but apparently it wasn't very sincere.
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Thanks Zhong Wen.... you obiously know my life and my wife better than I do. Do you offer sound financial advice as well?
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People don't always answer the exact question that we ask but it does not mean the comment is without thought. Perhaps you could advise us all as to how to forgive the whoring spouse so easily and let the focus be on whether or not to tell.
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Well, "tiny", forgiving starts with an open mind and willingness to want to forgive. WHile your characterization of "the whoreing spouse" may have brought a chuckle to you, I is wholely inappropiate and does clearly show your ignorance.
I realize people have their own opinons on here, which is why I posted in the first place. But some comments are just downright mean and malicious and just are not called for... Get the drift.
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KoMo
14 yrs ago
expatguy1 - I take my hat off to you for trying to work things out and not just throw away your marriage like a piece of rubbish. Only you can decide whether the marriage is worth salvaging and I wish the best of luck to you. People can make mistakes and no one understands your marriage and what it is worth to you both, so disregard those who do not answer 'your' specific question, and who get malicious with their comments.
I am very happy for you that the husband was exposed, at least for his wife, and that you weren't the one to get involved. As mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I don't know what I would have done in your situation, but I can only imagine that you being the one to 'dob' would have opened a whole new can of worms.
Good luck with your future! I hope you and your wife do work things out and this has been an unrepeatable learning experience for your wife. What doesn't break us makes us stronger.
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I agree with KoMo: ignore the nasty comments...marriage is a precious bond and leaving abroad does not help it...your wife must have realised now which type of man she had a crush on...there is probably no marriage that last without crisis -no matter how deep they are- and the ability to survive them is the basis for a long lasting GENUINE and if possible healthy relationship. So do according to your heart, not according to social pressure...people mature and grow up through understanding their mistakes : if you do feel your wife is worth forgiveness and a second chance, just give it a go (it is not easy) and hopefully, get a happier marriage than before...
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Thank you fot the Kind words DAph and KoMo - mywife and I have turned a positive corner I think (she thinks so as well), so Time will tell, but I am keeping a positive mind set.
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the truth hurts sometimes...get the drift
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Good luck expatguy1
Many marriages do get through this problem, I hope yours is one for them.
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Tinyteddy
Just because the OP's wife had an affair, it does not make her a whore, just like all human beings, she made a mistake and was humble enough to admit it, ask for forgiveness and try to patch things in the marriage. Whores get paid. Your comment is simply malicious, nasty and uncalled for.
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mike
tinyteddys' use of the word whoring might be hurtful and uncalled for, but it is semantically quite accurate. A whore does not necessarily have to get paid. The word is commonly used to characterize persons of promiscuous sexual behavior regardless of the exchange of monetary compensation.
Historically the word derives from the Germanic word hōraz with the underlying meaning "one who desires" and the effective meaning "adulterer." The feminine of this, hōrōn-, became hōre in Old English, the ancestor of Modern English whore.
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Tinkering....
Who said anything about her being paid? And i'm sorry, but I can pretty much say with the exception of your Definition of a whore which I am sure you google'd.
I am pretty sure it was meant in a destastful, less than flattering way. But I do see your point that it has multiple ways of being interpeted, so I am sure Tiny will come rusing to your side for coming to their defense and setting the record straight.
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expatguy1
I am very sorry about your situation and it was not my intention to make matters worse. I really hope you and your wife can work through your problems and that you will have a long and happy life together.
My comment was purely linguistic and I just wanted to point out to mike204 that he is wrongly correcting tinyteddys' use of the word whoring. He might be thinking of the word prostitute, which indeed assumes the exchange of goods or monetary compensation for sex. I don't google diachronic linguistics since this happens to be my field of study.
It is, since this is now an extension of the argument of semantics, interesting to note that the old Germanic meaning of the word; "one who desires", is still in use in modern English in phrases like "to be a whore for attention" and similar uses.
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..."a whore for attention": thanks for the perfect demonstration of what it means to be one, tinkering ;-)
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Hey ExpatGuy1 ...... Its good to forgive your wife and rekindle the happiness again ..... Move-on and forget about this guy cuz you will feel happier going forward ....... If you brood about the past, you will only be unhappy. ........ But of course, NOW you are the Bigger Man of the House, as the partner has broken some rules of the marriage ....... but remember its the LOVE between you and partner that holds the marriage ........ Nothing Else.
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ExpatGuy1. When I was a kid, a woman across the road had an affair with the man next door. The guy who was originally cheated on then an an affair with the same neighbour's wife. They both then got back together with their original spouses - though there was a divorce later on. The same year, another three couples down our street split up - including our next door neighbour. My parents stayed together but I suspect my dad had a long-term mistress. This was in a middle-class street in provincial England with about 30 houses and these were the affairs that people knew about! There is an awful lot of this going on. I'm sure this must be very painful for you but - in the long term - you will get a lot of respect if you act in a restrained fashion. Very few people will be sniggering or laughing behind your back - but there will always be an idiotic few.
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Thanks Loyd... I have forgiven my wife and we are working thru this. It will take time, but it's somthing we are using to solidify our marriage more, not rip it apart.
We all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I am human and I will make a mistake (not cheating I hope), at some point and hope that she will forgive me for what I had done.
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i think you should get your marriage off the rocks first. and i don't know, but IMO, one should nv step into another's marriage, whether as an adulterer or as someone who throws in something at the works.
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