My exbf n I broke up 8 years ago n recently got reacquainted again. He asked me out a couple of times, spent Xmas eve together etc. Few days ago, he asked me out again for drinks, along with his friends which I did. The night ended with us having sex at his place.
I dont thk we were too messed up to not know what we did. But it seems after the deed, I haven't heard from him. I'm not too sure what to expect. I know the maybe he's not that into me thingy going on or...but I need some advice as to whether I should even attempt to talk to him about it or just let it go? I always believe a man will call, pursue, chase..no matter how busy or awkward the situations are, when it comes to the object of their affection. Sigh, it's all pretty telling to me on his state of mind.
I feel kinda silly cos deep down in my heart, I do wish that he hope to pursue for something more. We were each other's first love in college and he was special to me in that way. The sex part kinda made it pretty awkward.
Anyone been in such a situation before? How do u deal with it?
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You haven't from him, as in: he didn't call you or he's not returning your calls?
How did you part after your night? Did he "send you home", did you leave while he was still asleep? Surely if he was awake, you left on some kind of understanding, like I'll see you for breakfast/lunch, i'll call you later, whatever...
If he's not returning your calls, then he may simply have found he made a mistake and does not really want to renew the relationship (but then, why get in touch with you after 8 blooming years, spend bloody xmas together et all?-doesn't make sense).
If you haven't even called him, then how do you know what's on his mind?
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SVicY
16 yrs ago
I would move on if I were you but i dont think he was using you. If that was his plan he wouldnt just have sex with you once and never call. and how come when it comes to situation like that, men are the one to blame for 'using the woman'? I'm a woman and i think that woman nowadays are strong and smart enough not to be taken advantage of unless we let it.
I think maybe he feels as awkward as you are thats why he hasnt called. Probably he wants to just spend time with a dear friend during those lonely moments like xmas eve. I think maybe he thinks of you as a good friend as we guys were first love in college, and its 8 years ago that u two broke up so he thinks u guys are 'cool' now and can be buddies. like wolfsbaine said, he's probably gonna remember u as his first love cuz if he wants to renew the relationship he probably should've call. or maybe hes just shy and afraid u dont want him back.. I would just call him up and ask. whats there to lose? someone is going to break the ice, i think you wouldnt be able to not know what hes thinking and let it go.
if he say hes sorry that u two slept together and wants you just as a friend, play it cool, be like, its not like we havent slept together, laugh it off and move on, put him in your purely-friend list.
if he say he wants u back then congrats.
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I'd say he got caught up in the moment, in the holiday season, thought it was a good idea at the time and then regretted it in the cold light of day. That's probably why you haven't heard from him, he doesn't know how to let you down and admit it was a mistake. Put it down to experience and move on, first love or not, doesn't sound like he's worth it. Chin up.
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I really don't think this was a 'booty call'.
I am inclined to agree with SVicY and Kaileyb. Nobody was being used. You both got caught up in the moment. And perhaps, in the cold light of day, he decided he does not want to renew the relationship.
We all get 'caught off guard', maybe you both were in this instance. I don't think there is any blame to aportion here.
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You enjoyed the time spent together. Cherish the memories. His detachment is just one of life's unexpected surprise. No big deal. Chin up, and now much wiser for the experience, just move on. If there is love, it (he) will catch up with you. Be Happy
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Thank you for all your kind replies. I appreciate that.
As it turns out, he did contact me some days later asking how I was and telling me what he was up to and stuff. I guess it is an extremely awkward situation for both of us..
In fact, we just went out on a date (I'm not sure if that's a date???) for the usual dinner, movie stuffs. No hand-holding or cuddling watsoever.
I am inclined to agree with a few of you on the possibility of us being caught up in that moment and him just treating me as "his first love", a "buddy" and an "old friend". Or that maybe he doesn't mind seeing me on a friendly kinda way. Neither of us talked about it yet and I'm not sure if I ever should bring up the matter.
If he really likes me, I thk he will probably continue asking me out?
My consolation? At least this date didnt end up with us having sex again. That would really, really messed up my mind.
I'm tempted to talk to him about that night, should an opportunity arises. But feeling unsure, if that would come off as being awfully pushy.
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zalca
16 yrs ago
hello- i thought i'd add my comments. i think you're in a tricky situation really.
you sound as though you want him back, so yes, if you go out with him you probably will be intimate with him if given the opportunity. people do that when they're in love with someone. but you broke up and when you did get back together with him for that night, something was wrong enough for him not to kickstart your relationship again.
maybe the second 'date' you went on was him trying to see if you are able to be boyfriend and girlfriend again. perhaps he didn't think it would work, hence no intimacy. i get the feeling that you might have responded to him if he'd made a move on you though (correct me if i'm wrong)
to sum up you are not in control here. he's calling all the shots with you. he's deciding whether you get together, whether you kiss, whether you're friends or lovers. i think for your own sanity you need to call a halt on this and tell him you're getting mixed messages from him. be honest and mature. if he doesn't want you after that then move on. try not to see him for a while. maybe later you can re-start your friendship. actually that may not be possible but you can try.
i had a boyfriend who i really wanted to stay friends with years ago. we stayed in touch but everytime i saw him my heart broke and i wanted to be with him. in the end i had to say goodbye to him. i still email him occasionally but it's been over for years and years. and i'm now happily married with kids.
ps talking to him about it is not pushy. but it will resolve what you're going through because he will be backed into a corner and have to make a decision about you. i can see why you're not doing this because you love him and want to keep him close as long as possible.
my advice is talk to him, and if he doesn't want a love affair then let him go and nurse your heart.
good luck to you. i know it's hard
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Oh Zalca, I think you pretty much summed up my feelings and what's happening right now. I guess other people can usually see the situation in a much clearer light.
U are probably right to say he wanted to use the last date to see if he felt for me the romantic way. Clearly enough, I'm hoping for something to happen (because I do want to rekindle the relationship, if possible). But seemingly, "I just wanna be friends" is screaming in my face. I guess I gotta face up to reality.
End of the day, I think I will forsake the "talk" cos I dont thk I can handle it. Will just let it die a withering death by itself. Zero contact will be the best solution and hopefully, time will ease all pains. Afterall. no one died from a heartbreak rite? :)
Thanks all for your replies.
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zalca
16 yrs ago
who knows... actually you know him best. all we can do here is offer opinions.
take care- you seem like a nice caring person and i'm sure you'll find the right person
xx
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i've always felt that women are more desperate for sex than men even though we dont talk or think about it as much as men. We wouldn't admit it but i guess it's true for most women.
thing is, when a woman is in a situation that has sex coming on, she'd almost always consent and then after something screws up after, come to places like this and ask the all mighty 'am I stupid or does he really want me or what should I do' kinda crap.
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wow...coming from a woman, im kinda surprised cos im not trying to get "all mighty". didnt deserve tat from u.
im not in the position to act all virginal. i did have consensual sex with him and i bear full consequences of that. i slept with him cos i liked him..and i do want to hav something more meaningful out of it. maybe not the wisest of all choices (in your opinion) but im not sure u are in that position to judge.
havent u ever been in that situation when u thought everything was going ur way n suddenly reality slaps u in the face? i guess it happens to everyone before, some time or another. else, there'd be nothing called "advice forums". check out the thousands of ppl logging into this site seekings for advices..not all are the stupid women u claim.
as for women being more desperate for sex than men? i thk its debatable. isn't it a known fact that men do pay for sex?
i feel sorry for u. because u seem like a very disgruntled person with a sad past. take care, thank you for your invaluable advice anyhow.
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zalca
16 yrs ago
meimei i think your comment was rather uncalled for. the writer is clearly in love with this man and has stated that. you have no reason to believe that she is or was 'desperate for sex'. her situation is clear in that she thought she was getting back with him that night, but he had other ideas.
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hey disaapointedinlove,
I like the way you handled meimei's response. And I believe you can handle your feelings about your ex same good. You are a sensible person and just feel "fragile" to handle your ex because of your feelings for him.
But, love is like everything else, just face it and clear things up. I know you are capable to find a good situation, talk about it like friends chat, figure out his state of mind and you can make your own decision to move on or to build something.
Dont presume guys know what they want and how to do. When usually girls in confusion ask around for advice ; most guys dont talk about his feelings with his buddies. In short, dont count on the guy to handle/sort out a relationship. Take the lead to put things into place. It is not about pushing, it is just to be clear for both and you have no regret.
If you need more suggestion, feel free to ask :-) good luck !
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I am with all the "forget you" peeps. Meimei was just saying what everyone is thinking but instead all the "oh, you poor puppy" types are telling OP what she "wants to hear" not what she "needs to hear".
OP - you guys dated 8 years ago, right?
Why did you split up?
And how old are both of you to be revisiting an already well overgrown grave of a relationship? Are you two at that clucky age where you are all "ooohh, I am getting close to my sell by date"?
Just sayin, is all.
Sounds like the holidays are a time when even the most icy hearted man would want a little comfort and as Lloyd G said, you answered the booty call.
All's I am saying is, there is a mantra "An ex is an ex for a reason, even if there may be a repeat season...."
Why did you two split then? Or have you forgotten? Re-runs always seem so warm and fuzzy in their familiarity but they always end the same way, but you can watch them as many times as you want if you are the type for it.
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