Posted by
Juzspeakup
19 yrs ago
My bf is a great guy.. well... mostly... only thing, he loves to lie, not in a big way but small little thing. I suspect it is because he wants to 'win' ever single debate or argument that we were having. Or men's incapability to admit that they are wrong??
Example: When I 1st moved in with him, he will tell me not to put towels in the dryer if it is only 1-2 piece. The other day, he told me that I should put all towels in dryer after I have washed it so they will become soft and not hard after being air-dried. He seems to be trying to spot mistake about me and correcting me even if it doesn't make any sense.
Alot of time, when we are debating about something, he will alway say "back home, everyone does that!" ( I have not been to his country yet) But his family recently visited him and I casually asked them about a certain topic that my bf and I were debating ( they didnt know about the debate), and they confirm that I was right.
Cut the story short, are MOST men so insecure that to them it is a embarassement not to win against women that they rather fake it?
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I'd rather think he's kind of patriachal and just want you to follow his instructions without arguments back.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
he is not liar, he just want you to listen and not argue.
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Hi JC, sorry, I think I shd clarify.. now he wants me to put whatever towels I had been washin the dryer and most of the time is only 1-2 pieces.
So, I am really in a lost. I am trying to change him, trying to teach him that it is ok to make mistake and that it is ok that he doesn't know every freaaking things.. That somethings I do know better than him.. Is it so hard?
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Juzspeakup - do you talk like this all the time? If so you may have bigger problems than you realise.
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Hi Vulvic, what kind of problems are we talking about here?
My bf is in general a very very nice guy except for this. I am trying very much to let him know that such behaviour is not healthy for a long term relationship.
Another example, he told me he hates people talking on the phone while having dinner. I learned that and now whenever I REALLY need to pick up a call due to work, I will apologise to him and excuse myself, and make the conversation really short. But juz yesterday, we were having dinner and his family called. Instead of looking at me and giving me a silent sign like "sorry" or "give me 5min", he simply chat and chat.. completely ignoring me even when I am obviously upset. We had agreed that if it is not work, we should tell the other party that we will call back later. I walk out on him and he say I was rude.
I am in a lost. He is such a nice guy but I cannot tolerate this behaviour of his!
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Pink Tulip - I dread to think how you must treat your domestic helper.
Juzspeakup - when I say 'bigger problems', I'm referring to you. Your thread is incredibley petty. So you and your b/f have had diasgreements about towels and phone calls - big deal. If his behaviour irritates you so mucch then talk to him about it. My guess is that this is the first time you have lived with a man and you are getting used to each others little foibles. If you are getting so annoyed over such trivial things then perhaps you should consider living alone.
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Thanks JC and Miss P.JC, you are right abt the part that my behaviour was abit childish to have walk out on him. But probably it boils down to the fact that he kept on being inconsistent about his "principles" as wat Pink Tulip had mention.
The last few days we had a fight as well and this incident probably fired up the whole issue.
Vulvic, this is HIS 1st time staying with a gf. I do not have issue on how his house is run, I respect that his company pays for this rent and I try to keep the house as he would managed. But what I am trying to stress is that now he is changing his mind about whatever 'rules' he had in his house to a completely opposite one, juz as I am about to 'fit in'.
and his inconsistence does not juz lies in the house itself. Even with our personal lives. One minute he would say this, few weeks later, u will hear a completely different story juz so to 'win' a debate.
Probably it is also due to different culture and different family background as well.
and I do not allow him to carry my handbag as well!! Yucks!
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Both of you are not ready to live in the same house. One wants to set rules and then break them, one wants to teach the other because cannot accept the other's rules.
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Hi Neuilly, I DO tell him when he is being inconsistence. This usually ends up with a argument. So now I am sick of arguing over something that is not worth and am trying to see if there are ways to change his inconsistence. Probably like what Miss P mentioned. Sit down and pen down everthing.
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Could you please type 'just'. 'Juz' and other slang derivatives drive me up the wall. I am guessing that English is your 2nd language - trust me when I say that overuse of slang is incredibley irritating to the native English speaker.
Ok, so he chops and changes his mind on things. I'm sure you do too. If it really is a problem in your eyes then talk to him about it.
However, from an outsiders's perpsective this all seems rather petty and childish.
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lulu
19 yrs ago
Remember: Dont ever want to change a man.
Hope that's helps.
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Agree, lulu. Don't ever change anybody! Just think if he also wants to change you! I don't think he will succeed. Otherwise one has to change every time one has a partner!
Agree with vulvic too, slangs make non-native speakers confused:).
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You are all giving me good advises.. I should really talk to him and if we do get together in marriage, we have bigger things to worry..
and by the way Vulvic, English is my 1st language. On using short forms and slangs, I guess is from too much smsing..bad habit..
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Don't be sulky, juzspeakup. To leave together, I think we have to get over small things.
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PT - You could be right. I do get annoyed when I think people whine about petty, insignificant things. But that's just me, I don't suffer fools gladly.
Juzspeakup - English is your first language? You surprise me. You do realise that the plural of 'advice' is........'advice'. There is no such word as 'advices' and as for 'advises', well that means something different altogether.
Anyhoo, I hope you and your partner come to some amicable agreement on how to wash your towels.
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JC, lol!!
What's wrong with your stomach?
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I hope the chinese tea is not hurting you too much. Maybe it's too strong for ya. Try to have sometime to line the stomach =)
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Just how much lying do people do in relationships? Does it matter? Is truth always the best policy? I had lying in relationships down to a fine art, but I am trying to reform and keep no secrets. It's a hard road! Can you ever regain trust if you have lied in a relationship?
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Okay, Devil's Advocate time. [or at least Juzspeakup's supporter]
One thing about COMPULSIVE liars is that the lies are almost always 1) situational 2) terribly difficult to explain to outsiders who weren't there 3) inescapably trivial 4) incredibly difficult to remember exactly because they are often so "slight"
That said—yes, we are seeing Juzspeakup's weak side; she is complaining [in her English] and we are bashing.
Here's a parallel example—I have a friend who uses the occasional word in COMPLETELY the wrong context. It is SOOO wrong that no one can ever recall and example [unless we write it down] although we all vividly remember the event. Does this prove that the friend has no command of English? No—but it does indicate that there Might be a problem.
Let's stop asking Juzspeakup to clarify or Justify her examples and just try to assist her with what she sees may be a future problem of her b/f—the potential to be a compulsive liar. [again, see generalized definition at the start]
Possible tactics:
1) ignore. If he is always trying to "win," then a prolonged argument will make him want to Win MORE
2) avoid. When he contradicts himself, ask him to clarify—without mentioning that he has previously said the opposite. Instead, admit that YOU were confused. This IS NOT a game or a set-up—he HAS confused you, and, as you care about him, you would LOVE for him to be clearer.
3) Bury. We usually bury hatchets or dead horses [to be revived later]. Juzspeakup: Bury The TOWELS!!!
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Thanks Kristin and Miss P. It is true.. My bf is a neat freak.. We do have a maid that comes in once a week to clean our house.(cause I do not iron!) but daily stuff like washing of dishes and clothes will be done by mostly me.
I did use that method of telling him that he is confusing me with his inconsistence house rule. I even tried to encourage him to find a new place with me so we will have 'our' home and not 'his' home. it doesn't seems to be working..
I will try to work it out again but he is abit of the old fashion type of guy that doesn't react to big changes very easily..
we will see...
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Damn, that's where I've been going wrong! I guess telling the truth isn't always such a good thing.
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JC.. is it really that bad that he doesn't like dishes to be in the sink overnight?? cause mine is the same... must clean up everything on the day itself.. whether or not we had a huge party and has been almost drunk....
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many people don't like dirty dishes to be left in the sink overnight.
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Not me - I will happily leave dishes in the sink for days. But I do know several people who just won't do that. Mind you, Binky is right - if the b/f has a problem with dirty dishes, he should wash 'em.
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ok.. my bf does not drag me back to clean up the mess and would clean it up himself.. But usually after that he will put up a long face and will always wait for me to ask him "whats wrong???"
Maybe JC is right.. is Christmas time and I am thinking about 2006 and my new year resolution.. making me thing over and over abt our future together as a couple.. and my waist line, and my new hair style..
I was talking to a girlfriend yesterday and I told her that I will try to love him more next year and TRY not to let all this little things annoy me..
But isnt it strange that it is ALWAYS the little things that annoy us the most?????
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Blimey JC, your life sounds like a novella.
You are quite right though, there are more important things in life to worry about.
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rats
19 yrs ago
JCPD, a very inspiring post!
After reading all the post, probably the title of the thread should be 'Am I a control freak?' Don't want to pick any fight here. But don't you guys realise the words juzspeakup use have been indicating constantly that she may be the cause of the 'debates' between she and her boy?
'I am trying to CHANGE him and TEACH him...he is WRONG' - it never works when we want to change someone and no one like to have a mom and teach him what to do constantly.
'...WIN a debate' - juzspeakup, why do you need to win and what so important the 'debate' is about?
'I TRY to love him more...' - love just grows naturally, you can't help loving someone more as day goes by if you really meet your Mr./Miss Right. Love is blind , remember? 'Trying' sounds a bit too pathetic to me.
juzspeakup, maybe instead of blaming him, telling us how much you want this relationship work and even talking about 'marriage'. It is time to think how much do you really LOVE your boyfriend, or do you just want to settle and tie the knot with a 'decent' guy?
Good luck!
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Have you all forgotten one of Juzz's major dilemmas-- that the b/f keeps
CHANGING HIS REQUIREMENTS OF HER
We have fixated upon the towels-- well, gang, go back and read-- sometimes he says "don't waste energy" and other times he says "dry those two towels!!!'
That is NOT Juzz trying to be a control freak [although her language DOES indicate that she is having issues about defining her own personhood.]
Please, folks, we do this all of the time-- we forget to Read Closely and some part of a thread gets warped.. then we argue about THAT.
The issue[s] here is [are]:
1) that she is wondering if he is a compulsive liar
2) that she is wondering what her choices are
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