Things began when I was at sleep. He normally stayed up late and yesterday night I was asleep and he snuggled over at 2-3am also. I shooed him away twice coz he was dragging me to his side and he got pretty mad and started to hit me, curse me and complained that I never loved him as much as I loved my ex, and said words that really hurt and forced me to admit he was right. Even I did so he still hit me saying I was so fake. He tortured me till 7am, not letting me go to bathroom and not letting go of my hair till he finally fell asleep.
I just knew that he hit his ex gf as well while quarrelling. We've been together for a year and this is the fourth time he hits me. Before I made it very clear that if it ever exceeds 3 times I will never go back any more. That's why this time he hits me like I was a dead body.
I told myself that I should never look back and forgive this f**king a**hole. But I just could not stop waiting for him, caring for him...Someone please help me?
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Wow, he hits you, his parents disapprove and he has a crazy ex. The answer is right in front of you. Imagine what your future will be like if you continue being with him. I know what I'd do. All it would take is one strike and I'd be outta there in a flash!
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No, we are not married. However we are in the same company, His output value relies on my work, which he was happy in the beginning we met and now he said it was a trap I set up for him. He does't allow me to quit my job cos by then nobody can help him. If I don't quit, he is afraid that I will make him lose face coz a lot of people notice the bruises of me even I don't say a word. I never know that we have only hatred left in the end after such a year's effort and ruin our career as well.
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There is no place for violence in any relationship. WHy would you even consider staying??
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The answer is obvious : Find a new job, pack you bags & move out.
Buy you won't do that because you're a victim in a codependent relationship. This is where one party suffers because of another person’s behavior, complains about it, seeks sympathy and support from others, but refuses to do anything to change the situation.
In a codependent relationship, the victim will even do things to maintain the abuse. e.g. "he snuggled over .... I shooed him away" sounds like the OP has refused sex, or acted in some other way she knew would get bad behaviour out of him.
yes, he's a terrible man, but you seem to willing to live with this.
You have to decide you are no longer willing to be a victim.
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op seems to have other issues looking at other threads
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I'm 100% with CaptDave on this.
You got legs, I say, walk!
"And I told him if it happens more than 3 times..."
Erm, it has.
So walk!
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I am sure balckandwhite knows the right things to do for herself. But she just doesn't have the ability to do that. So find some helpful friends and relatives, find a place to stay away maybe the first step to get herself out of the bad situation.
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Hi there. Thanks for your guys advices. Green-Catalonia, it is not a "put-on" and I am not dead either. Just super busy the past weeks. I am financially independant and have my own apartment. I can do whatever I want to cut it off. I can f*ck up his career in some way for revenge if I feel like to. But I think I am above that. The point is I don't think he is a bad person. He gets issues with his anger. Most of the time he is gentle and normal. Maybe I am too good for him that makes him inconfident??? he is just very scared that I might dump him for someone better. I don't know...Giving up on thinking or finding out what's next, just work....which is not a bad thing either. The world spins as usual, and I shall be ok.
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His parents don't like you, he has an ex that constantly harasses you, and he hits you.
You've been together a year, how many years of physical abuse will it take before you decide to walk away?
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And by the by, to add to what mike said, most wife beaters are "not that bad" all the time. They also have their good side, but if you are too good for him (as you assume the reason for his lacking confidence) then you should also know if you are confident enough to know when what you got is not a good thing and that burrying your head in the sand (in your case, work) isnt gonna make the problem go away.
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Hi, Guys, I really appreciate your advices. I know the problem is there always. I am not with him right now.And I am not ready to move on yet. I gonna be in the same company and stay in sorrow for a while. I gonna stay till I know and feel like to do something else to keep moving...
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i will tell you frankly leave him.....find another good guy.
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I've quitted my job and stayed in house for a week now. I did not step out of the house and my girl friend said I havn't spoken more than ten words. I knew it was bad. I just did not feel like doing anything or saying anything. Any part-time that can keep me occupied. I have two degrees, English and Accouting. I need some part-time that is super busy to keep my mind off anything. Any advices?
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Hi blackandwhite, nice to talk to you.
Before, the concept of black and white is clear in my mind, I don't think there should be grey between them. However, it seems life is not that simple.
Everyone here tried their best and spoke from their hearts to give rational and nice advices, they are appriciated.
But, sometimes, it's just very very very difficult to move on even we know the answer, maybe because we are too weak and not tough enough to make a stop...we keep to speak for him and find excuses to his behaviour...it's purely because we still hope to be with him.
But, in your case, it is simple, you haven't got married, you are independent, you do got a CHOICE, and I believe, you will find a better and nicer man who deserves your love.
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I agree with badnstupid. You are not married to the guy. You are not obligated to stay in the relationship so why not get out of it? He already hits you although you guys are not married. What do you think will happen once you are married? The hitting could be much more severe. Why put yourself in such a situation?
If you have decided to move on and leave this abusive relationship, then why torture yourself by quiting your job and not speaking to people? What can you achieve by doing that?
Why go part time if you don't have kids? What I would do is cut all contacts with the guy (seeing he is abusive), find a new apartment somewhere else and find a new job. Then I'd go shopping and create a whole new "confident" look for myself.
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hi, gemmaw, I quitted my job because I did not want to see him or talk to him any more. It is very difficult to do that if we stayed in the same company. badnstupid, you were right. I knew what was right,however I was not brave enough to move on. I don't see any suffering will do me any good, I just don't know how to get out of this loop.
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Hi blackandwhite,
I feel in the same way as you, I know I shouldn't say this because it won't help you...
I will suggest you to look for new friends because you are "FREE" now, I believe the quickiest way to forget the old one is to find a new one, then your time will be occupied by the new relationship and you will forget the old one gradually and peacefully.
Is it a generalization to say that "women always find it more difficult to get out of the relationship than men"? It seems men don't feel any pain, but we women feel deep pain...
GemmaW, I agree with you that one should always keep oneself confident in any time.
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Hi, Badnstupid, I really appreciate your response. I felt much better most of the time as long as he did not bother me. Actually these two days he was asking constantly for abt ten thousand payment for a project we did together before. I know the quickest way to get rid of him is to give him the money and be done with it. All of my friends were just so pissed that he could dare to ask for money. I mean I wasted a total year on him and made him rich by constantly feeding him with projects, he f*cked up my career, my life and in the end he asked for money while I lost financial support. I can survive with no problem after I gave him the money. The problem is how can a man do that!!! When I left, I have loads of valuable things left behind. I would never go back to collect it or ask any man who f**ked me for compensation. This is so unbelievable...Ｉrealize I should ever waste a drop of tear for him again. If I have to cry, I shall cry for myself.
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blackandwhite,
Good, very good, you moved your first step, you are brave. Keep this momentum and belief to get rid of him.
Next step, you should think about yourself, find a new job and start your new life.
Good luck.
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I did a stupid thing today. His ex called me and asked me to meet. I did. They were getting married as she told me. I don't know what I should feel and react. I just left and asked her never to look for me again. She also told me that he told her that he was using me to expand his carreer all the time. He told her everything abt me. Every lies he told me was to find way staying with her. I was just so heart broken. I should never had meet her right? I was getting better and better and now I just have to start from beginning again...
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blackandwhite, rather than see it negatively, why not count yourself lucky that you escaped? You are lucky that you could walk away from an abusive relationship. I would feel sorry for his ex, if you ask me. I mean, does it matter whether he was sincere or lied when he was with you now that you've made a decision to leave him? If he wants to marry her, he has to say all that, right? If I were you, I would wish her well and hope for her sake that he would treat her right. Continue to move on, blackandwhite. You left the relationship because you are saying "no" to abuse. That's a smart move, if you ask me.
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I agree with Gemma. You have escaped. Put this behind you and start a new life.
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There are tons of better men out there.
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It is hard to accept what the ex said but I see this as a "full stop" to your relationship with him.
You went to see the ex because you still have hope(to some extent) for the relationship between you and him, am I right?
As GemmaW said, no matter he was sincere or lied when he was with you, he is going to marry the ex, this is his final decision, you have no choice but to accept it.
Please don't be upset again, leave your mind peacefully, ok? You can do it!
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This post sharing lots of good information about marriage and relationship.
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seren
13 yrs ago
I think you are very lucky to get out now....My husband was emotionally abusive and occasionally agressive/violent. I have always been a strong independent and financially independent woman but oer the years my confidence was chipped away. I got out and there were kids involved too. It was then that I began to realise the extent of his control and domination of my life. It's easy to fall into the victim trap as you live your life worrying you'll piss him off and this so called 'nice' guy would fly off the handle. He won't change and it was not your fault. There are always underlying reasons for this and I can guarantee it will do with the way he was brought up. It wouldn't have resolved itself and you wouldn't have been able to change him. He would have changed you. You are in a much stronger position than him and he knows it. He is scared and he is still trying to control the situation by asking for money. Believe me, when you pull yourself together his 'power' will be gone. His girlfriend is a fool and sadly she will also learn the hard way. If he lied to you he will lie to her. Hopefully one day you will look back on this and see it as a life lesson rather than a wasted year. I do, and it will defintely make you a stronger person. Good luck
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There are always some one knowing its a mistake but still choose to close eyes. Maybe she thinks that's "love"-- to love the good and bad thing of him. But its just fascination. Come on... Save your love and caring for some one who really deserve it.
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some people might still remember the above thread i posted three more months ago. Here is the thing, the ex was permanently gone(with the payment she demanded for the years she spent with him) and the parents were not against me either. For the last three months, he never loses his temper and becomes caring and good as I met him for the first time. It seems he has plans for the future too--I mean marrige. But here is the thing, can I still stay with this guy and have a future? Or should I give it more time to see if he is sincerely and really changed? I am just terrified right now though everything happens exactly as I wished for.
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OMG! LEAVE HIM! Every one here tell you to leave him. He will never change....Don't you get the messages???
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B&W,
Sorry to hear that. You should stay away with him as he might hurt you again physically, mentally and spritually. All you need to do: find someone help: the one has strong energy: perhaps two bug guys with 6 packs.. you know you can't get involved: because you are just a little woman... these two guys can take your bf to church. The church can purify your bf in some circumstances... of course it can't be do it one time.. it has to do it from time to time... I hope he will finally heal. Amen.
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