Broken trust

Need an opinion. Our marriage has been facing some issues which I do not know how to handle. My man is flirting in office through texting and emails for past 3 years. When I spoke how upsetting this has been for me he said sorry and mentioned that he is not serious at all and will stop all this from now onwards. But to my surprise it has not even been 6 months since I spoke to him about all this and he has started emailing her again. I don't understand that if its nothing serious why does he need to email her at vague hours in the night while I'm asleep. He did mention that she comes to work in revealing clothes and all staff fool around her but he does not want me to meet her. Does that make sense? I do trust that he is not serious about her because our relationship has never been in distress until I knew about all this. He has been the same with me all this while but how can I ignore the messages that he sends. Not sure how to deal with this as talking obviously has not worked. How can I know that he is changing even if I gave him another chance?

I can understand that any wife would be unhappy about her husband playing games like this. However, you need to ask yourself whether or not this is a serious thing, or is he just playing. After all, some men read naughty magazines, some watch "adult" movies - doesn't necessarily mean that they are planning to be unfaithful to their wives.


All adults have habits that can be difficult for other people to accept, and this happens within marriages. There are some things that I do that my wife dislikes, and the same is true in reverese.


You need to decide whether this sort of behaviour is important enough for you to get angry about. Maybe it is just a harmless thing, only you, and your husband, can decide.


If you both love and respect each other, maybe you can accept that he is a bit immature. Trust is important, however, and he should accept and understand that this sort of behaviour hurts your feelings.


If he is a good husband in all other ways, maybe you should just accept that he sometimes misbehaves a bit, provided it doesn't hurt you, or the relationship - then maybe it is okay.

actually from the sound of it, your relationship is not in danger at all.


this woman looks like a 'man-applying-his-hand-on-himself-tool', i.e. an instrument/object rather than a human. i guarantee you that there is zero emotions involved, else i would think his behavior would be different.


one tip to your husband, many men do use such objects for their self-gratification (magazines, movies, internet, etc.). tell him to sharpen up and respect you a bit more so that you don't get to know about it. he seems really dumb to leave so obvious traces for something that gives him 3 minutes of pleasure late at night.

sorry this happened to you 5252.


I think u need to sit your man down to tell him to stop, no explanation needed- going to work in revealing clothes or everyone fools around with her does not grant him a right to flirt with her, sorry.


'If he is a good husband in all other ways, maybe you should just accept that he sometimes misbehaves a bit, provided it doesn't hurt you, or the relationship - then maybe it is okay.' >>> I am sure this 'habit' is not widely accepted in other parts of the world outside of Asia!!!!

5252,


i think you shld apply his same philosophy, and start flirting with men in the street, and other men u meet. and then tell him its nothing serious, and thats its just for fun..no emotions. See how he feels. I can tell u, he'll stop doing wot he is dng right away. Men are basically insecure, and this new "girl"/ thing is making him feel more secure more happy abt himself...perhaps you can also give him some words of security like tell him he is still good looking, or do something special like that? men are basically driven by status and how they are perceived, so if this girl is flirtatious and desirous, then he is lacking in some self worth..and may just need a kick up and bum and other measures..which you must help him with.


cheers, and good luck.

Hate to say it as have seen it before - it will lead to something else. she is obviously attractive, dresses provocatively and thrives on the attention. Clearly has no regard for whether the man she is flirting with is married. The key to this is twofold - late night communication and the fact that he doesn't want you to meet her. Warning bells everywhere. I'd get him to knock it on the head - or you will only live to regret it.

People communicate more openly in SMSs - things they wouldn't say in person. However, for us guys smoke always accompanies fire. If one sends a woman a risque sms, its not innocent fun, there's a deeper motive on our part.

thanks guys. I do trust that there is nothing serious I suppose all men would like to flirt if given chances. I have made it clear that this has hurt me terribly and would not like to be hurt in future.I did ask him if he would think the same behaviour would be acceptable from me and he said that he trusts me completely and would know that it is not serious so long as I am happy to be with him. I do feel like I will never be able to trust him again but at the same time it is hard as I do love him and would like to keep my relationship going. Wonder how I can make him to be more open so that he can talk about things freely and then maybe I may able to trust him again. Sometimes I think that talking openly and freely is lacking in our relationship he is too busy thinking that I will get upset and then does not say much however later when I know I feel more upset and distressed. He had promised that he will stop all that I do not like as he does not want to hurt me but then again I feel like he's slipping from his words as he has been on internet in the middle of night. She knows that he is a married guy and does not jump to answering him proves that she's not the one after him I think. And my husband does not want me to meet her because he thinks what's done is done and such a situation will be very awkward for all of us. I think I just need to be strong enough to take this in my stride however hard this can be. Not much choice is there?

I think when you decided to write on this forum you KNEW something is wrong about your husband behavior. I gotta agree with the second poster- yep texting and emailing is a communication,a correspondence, it's two-way, not simply getting horny in middle of night so to browse some porn.

There's no excuses. Don't justify his actions..

One fundamental idea about the difference is between men and women, the 2 creatures in the universe. Due to the different structures of the bain and different level of chemicals within the body, we approach different ways in regards of language speaking (communication), perceiving, sensing, understanding, loving, dealing with anxiety, problem solving... and the level of sex needs. - This is one thing and first thing everyone needs to understand as a singuler human being, explaining you in a gerneral way why the opposite sex would think and behave in a certain mode.

Then comes to the marriage. What men justify a good marriage is power, financial security and a good sex life (their brains are structured not to get used to expressing thier deep feelings) while women intimate relationship (in a form of trying to talk, or to some degree translated by the partner as nagging) and(emotional) secutiry.

Armed by that, you should retrospect your marriage life with your husband - is the threshhold of your own values in a marriage paralel or lower than the expectations from your husband? Vice versa. Then think about the existential issue of your husband behavior, figuring out weather its his problem or actually you problem.

A tip is that to focus on the facts, not your own 'truth' - he says she comes to office in revealing clothes, all staff fool around her, he communicates to her in middle night while you are asleep... - ask yourself whether you have satisfied him on his basic needs; and the progression of your communication - he says it's nothing serious and stopped emailing then bounced back again; he doesn't want you to meet her - he feels treatened, the reasons can be he has nothing to do with the girl but talking and gainning extra attention slipping from you the wife, or he has something with the girl but feels not a worth to impact the current marriage, or inbetween.

Nothing happens for no reason. Find it out!

it's not just about he has affair/serious/non serious attachment with another woman or not, the obvious situation is, he is interested in another woman, having things with her is a matter or chance and time, but he definitely wants her in some extent.


petty meaningless flirtations happen in face encounters, not personal text msgs nor emails... at least a marriged/committed person should not be enjoying this fun as to show respect to their spouse... if i were the girl i would just think this guy doesnt love/respect his wife at all, or i am much more 'hot' than his wife... some women tend to feel more powerful and proud if they attracted a guy who is taken, and they would think the girlfriend/wife/date is a loser...


in a relationship, to me, spritual level as important as physical actions, if my man shows interests in another woman, it's bad... otherwise, what if he starts dating around, seeing some other woman but keeping it 'caual' and 'not serious'?

or the alarm only goes off when you catch him with someone else in bed?


and now he tries to reson and to make you to agree/accept his misbehavior... twisting the logic...


the bottom line is, why doesnt he stop hurting his wife's feelings by stopping his meaningless actions?


dont justify his behavior, jsut tell him if he cares about your feelings, just stop what is hurting you. and try whatever was suggested above, e.g. pick up the old good times with him.


p.s. i could imagine how painful it is... i would just cried in his arms and beg him to stop it and love me with his whole heart...


do stop him, we all wish you luck. tell us the good news soon!

I do totally agree with MyHongkong and The_Moog's statements. To comment on Bowong actually I share a good relationship with him. We always try to make out for movies, dinners etc together. I have not just satisfied his needs but also love him and so does he say too. Yes its true upto the extent that sometimes I feel that the passion has gone but we still are together which again leaves me confused as to could it be possible that he may want the best of both worlds. He is extremely diplomatic with his words and is very capable of twisting the logic as posted by 852 which makes communication difficult between us.


Thanks for your good wishes everyone. Need a lot of thinking to do and sort out the odd ends. Of course this will need time but who knows what future holds!