He's just not that into it/me??

Ok, never been one to post my private affairs but WTH?? Not many gf in HK and could use some objectivity at this point...


In HK 4.5 yrs now, with bf about 3, lived together for 1 year until I walked out 4 months ago. Was getting strained on both sides, (and I'm sure he has justified gripes about me) but my main issue being that we just weren't much of a "couple". For varying reasons we never really went through the romance/passion stage but settled into the relationship very quickly.


Seldom went out unless in a group, and then it would be a process of watching him lager up and fall down within a matter of a couple of hours. At home he would demand my attention like a spoilt child (despite my attempts to complete a degree in the evenings).


Because of his abject terror of being taken advantage of financially, I paid 1/2 of rent, bills, dinners out etc although I earn about 1/3 of what he does - fair is fair, and I had hoped it would ease those fears and foster a trust between us. He won't talk to me about my past experiences because it's too upsetting for him and he doesn't know how to respond. He's always treated me differently than his friends (I could go into a million examples, but I will spare the details) - and over the years I've come to the conclusion that there is some deep-rooted problem with women in general (though if I approach it with him I'm being too PC).


So I got fed up, packed my bags and moved in with a gf - told him that I would only come back when/if he showed me that he truly wanted it. After 3 months I gave up - he'd call me everyday like nothing was wrong, but talk only about his day etc. - never initiated a "relationship" topic nor made any effort to show me anything out of the ordinary. So a month ago I told him I was making long-term living arrangements etc and all of a sudden, he wants to change! He wants to show me....I said I was too tired and pi**ed off for anything more and banned him from contacting me in any way.


The two week ban is up...awful timing (HoHoHo!!) but I just want to get my things and go. He's a lovely man, (v. intelligent, clever and even occasionally thoughtful) but think I need more...more commitment, more compassion - just more! Am I overestimating/overshooting? Expecting too much?

" He's always treated me differently than his friends" - You expect him to treat you like he he treats his friends, or what?


Maybe during your time living together you did not pay enough attention to him while he needed and you considered him as a spoilt child.


Agree with JC, men just cannot read minds. Tell him what you want in plain language. I experienced that before, was thinking that he should have known what I wanted, but he could not know because I did not tell. So once I tell him what I want, I am satisfied:).


Talk and talk and make things clear to him of what you want from him!

Thanks PT - nice to hear...

JC - a little harder to hear, but very true - thanks. In my defense, I had tried to talk to him many times about many things - response was alternatively defensive and remorseful, promises to change that never happened. My problem is that I'm a big softie and have more empathy than is healthy. He's always suffered from bad self-image and I always hoped I could help him achieve happiness by just loving him for who he is...that didn't work out so well, eh?

Differently as in he could trust and give of himself to friends easily...I had to earn it and prove myself to him. If a friend asked for help, it wasn't a problem...if I asked for it, I was being demanding. Geez - listen to me...what the heck have I been thinking these past years????

Move on girl.

Well, HK Disneyland isn't an option...:-)


You got it exactly right, JC - many times I tried to explain "It's not okay for you to do this/that/treat me this way" - which would be acknowledged with remorse, but then a slightly different situation would occur - think I've finally realized I can't coach him for all eventualities...nor do I want someone who needs that from me.


Perhaps it was a bit spineless to try to force it the way I did, but do have feelings for the shmuck after all. By putting the ball in his court it did prove to me that your right...it'll take a miracle (and I'm not it)!


What would I like to do now? Read. Relax. Enjoy...

As a man, asking you to pay 1/2 of the rent when you make 1/3 of what he makes is lame. Sure, he doesn't want to be taken advantage of, but you are "losing" alot more than "rent" when you moved in with him.


Don't want to sound sexist, but we live in a sexist society. Your "marketability" being one year older is much more drastic than his. You living with him also makes you less "marketable". Life isn't fair but you can't ignore reality.


He is a self center jerk. The sooner you get rid of him, the better off you are. I may be wrong, but IMO, you have no future with him. Either you dump him now, or he'll dump you in 5 to 10 years and yes, I'm sure he'll dump you eventually. And I'm speaking from a male perspective.

Phooey - Well done you. After living with a guy and realising that he can't or won't give you what you need in terms of a life-partner you took the decision to leave him and move on. I applaud you and wish there were more decisive women like you on this forum.


You don't need to go into the details of why and how the relationship wasn't working. The fact is it wasn't and you have taken steps change your direction in life.


I agree with JC in that men aren't mind readers but let's not pander to them - they are adults too and they aren't as stupid in matters of the heart as they'd like to make out.

Totally agree with Vulvic. You realised it wasn't right, and you did the right (although difficult) thing. There are men out there who can give you what you need - or so I'm told. Positive move for you, but it's never easy. You can keep making excuses for men forever, but it won't make you happy.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and opinions...having a weak moment and needed to hear these things. A lot of my friends here are "mutual" and don't think it's fair to drag them into it!


Scutdog - nice to hear a man's pov, but don't even want to think about the "marketability" issues at the moment :-)


Pumpkin - if you are who I think you are, you're already privy to at least some of details...think we spoke on the phone for a couple of mins. last Tuesday nite?

the holidays are coming up, and so is a brand new year. move on! you've spent enough energy parsing and analyzing and dissecting why it didn't work out - the bottom line is that he wasn't that into you when you were together. now hopefully you will not be that into him, if at all, moving forward. it's time to be happy now.

Hmmm - well I'll give a call to MY pumpkin and we'll see whose losing their marbles (may very well be me)!


JC right back atcha!