Posted by
confused1
12 yrs ago
Hi there. I'd like to get your perspective regarding the state of my relationship. I've not consulted with anyone and would appreciate unbiased advice.
I married my husband when I was 29. He's 11 years older than me. Been together 10 years and we have 2 kids. Right after we got married I already had issues with him flirting and he slept with a prostitute at least once. I keep catching him text-flirting and I keep forgiving, laughing it off and moving on.
The thing is we get along really well. Always have fun together. Looks after me well. Great dad to our kids.
However, just last night, I found out that he has been flirting with the same girl for a year. I actually found out the first time last March and I freaked out and ALMOST broke up which has never happened before. As usual, we talked about it and moved on again. He promised he's lost the girl's no etc etc. So last night, by sheer stupidity on his part, he sent me a message which was supposed to be for the other girl. It had "I love you" on it. This means they've been at it for a year. He says they've not had sex. I believe him 70%.Obviously, I am very angry, sad, and feel like I just want to put an end to this bullshit.
I kicked him out last night. And now I'm considering splitting up for real and even looking at flats.
Here are some realities though:
He is the major earner here though he doesn't earn a massive amount but we're comfortable. He is paying for 3 properties abroad which would be paid up in a few years. I am working but I only earn less than a quarter of what he makes. If we did split up, realistically speaking, me and my children will end up in a much much smaller place and he would have to live in an even smaller place. I know how much he makes and spends and doing this would stretch him to the very limit. I am concerned because his money is my children's money, essentially. What would happen in the near future? Btw, I am not from HK and I don't own a home my native country. Going back with my kids is not an option as I don't want to sacrifice their studies.
Another thing is we have friends coming over the holidays and I really can't face them and pretend every thing is fine. I'm not sure how to deal with this.
They've been so looking forward to coming over.
I told him that what would make me feel better is talking to the girl to make sure she knows the real score (he's prob been lying to her right?) He totally objected and preferred to leave that night instead of letting me contact the person. ( I have no idea who she is and this really angers and frustrates me) Is this because he is protective of that girl or is it because he doesn't want his image to be ruined?
Is he going through midlife crisis? I married him when he was 40 and he can't seem to stop himself from flirting. His previous relationships both lasted 8-9 years. He was never married before.
Do you think I should 'leave' him? (I've told him that I want to and talked about logistics already - he was just speechless.) However, We always have a nice time as a family. My children adore him. Would breaking up damage them? Should I just stay and accept things the way they are? He's promised to mend his ways and I've never seen him break down like this. Should I just hope for the best?
BTW, we hardly ever have sex - maybe 4-5 times a year if that. This year - 3x so far.
Help!
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First and foremost - whats your ethnic background and that of your husband? This matters psychologically. If you both belong to same ethnic backgrounds then -
Starting from the bottom - not having sex doesn't mean anything (in my experience). Me and my wife haven't had sex for much longer than you guys and we are still for each other. We chat, laugh, argue, watch television together and separately, annoy, give space to each other and I'm also a pillow or duvet for Sunday morning newspaper reading. Sex while important is not a central part of our relation. Which leads me to think, there is a lot of unnecessary emphasis on sex these days. Quite often I read partners complaining of lack of sex like a huge tragedy. It may be, but my personal experience tells me different. My wife is 38 and I'm 46 :)
You've mentioned that you guys have a great time together, he treats you well and the children adore him. So, he is a good guy who spends time with his family and enjoys having all of you in his life. He is responsible with his responsibilities too. So you guys have a quality time as a family which is important. Maybe this flirting thing is just some spice which you can tire him of. Let him have more of it. Use reverse psychology.
Don't burn your face to spite your nose. Don't break-up. Its not easy to build, and it will take away the entire family's happiness at the cost of your emotions. I agree it hurts, but take it in a stride for some more time just as you did in the beginning. I'll suggest that you allow him to flirt without having to hide it from you. Let him know that while it hurts you when he does that, you prefer that it is not behind your back and you will bear this for your children, their future and that of your family as a whole. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it can eliminate the fever. Risk taking is exciting and addictive - take away that excitement by giving him the freedom to flirt. While he does not want you to confront her, tell him to invite her over for get together. Chances are, sooner than later he will realize, curse himself for being so stupid and give it up. I hope so.
Bottom line - Men flirt, and don't break up the family just so easily. Kill the snake without breaking the stick - if you know what I mean.
All the best.
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Dear tradingpostasiaexpat,
Thank you for your advice!!!!! I actually share the same perspective as you though really unsure of myself at the moment.
My husband is western and I am Asian though not what you'd call a typical Asian. I am very easy going, rational, and not the jealous or insecure type.
In fact, I'm probably too logical because when Ifound out that he used a hooker (very early on in the marriage), I put it down to the fact that he
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Really sorry to hear about this. sosh*tty
I think you are really looking at this with the right state of mind, keeping your kids as your number 1 priority.
Of course it is a very tough decision whether to stay with him or to leave, because you have two kids.
it seems that everything needs to be put on the table. he needs to admit to what he has done, and he needs to convince you that he doesnt want that anymore. IT is completely unfair to you that he is out sleeping with other women, and it sounds like he definitely is. nobody should have to put up with that level of disrespect.
I hope you two can have a very honest conversation about what is happening in this marriage and then come to a mutual decision on what to do now that he has been caught.
hopefully you can have this conversation in a non-combative way
but in my opinion, if after trying to mend these awful problems, if you still cant trust him because he is still cheating on you, the best decision for you and for your kids is to leave him. life is too short to be married to someone who does that to you.
btw, money shouldnt be the reason to stay with him.
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sorry my reply was cut off.
Anyway, yes, I am very understanding, open and non-confrontational.
Is my happiness more important than the kids' welfare? They are still very young and are bright, happy, and very loving. Our home is alway very warm and fun because even when I'm unhappy, it doesn't change the way I deal with my family.
I am not staying for money but like I said, I don't make a lot and we don't have any savings. MOney goes to our properties at the moment. If I do decide to leave, then how do we arrange it? It doesn't seem financially feasible esp in HK where rent is exorbitant? OUr flat now now is not big but comfortable and my kids love it here.
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dear confused, first of all, you must do your best not to be confused. being confused will only make matters worse for you, and you will end up taking a wrong decision. you need to think hard what is it that you really want and what is it the very important thing for you and your children now and the future. if you think money, then i suggest you do your divorce here in hongkong. the law here is good for women. i have already had my bitter pills not too long ago when my ex took me to the cleaners and eventually she left me penniless ...*sigh*... she's also asian, though not a typical asian ... whatever it means ...
read the link here: http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?sid=34650467&art_id=117633&con_type=1&pp_cat=12
contact a lawyer a.s.a.p, at least a consultation. you got nothin' to lose, some lawyers give free initial consultation for the first 45 minutes. ask for it, because every 5 minutes after that, it'll be a very loud ka ching ... ka ching ... kaaaaaa ... ching!!!
good luck
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thanks all for your 'enlightening' advice. i have had a very rough weekend as you can imagine, but I had a heart to heart with my husband yesterday and I asked him what he really wants and that I'm ready for anything. I was very calm/rational/non-confrontational.
He admitted that he has has been unfaithful to me from the very beg. I know that he had sex with a prostitute when we were still in Bangkok . After that, just a series of flirting/meeting up. I always catch him because he's so stupid when it comes to these things. I believe that he hasn't had sex with these other women. He just enjoys and gets a thrill out of the secrecy and knowing that there are still young women who find him attractive!
Anyway, he said that he wants to stay. He loves me etc etc and he'll try his best to not do anything silly anymore. I want to give it another go. I do love him plus our kids are only 5 and 6! They're so young and innocent! I told him that I already have a lawyer should this happen again.
Women, stay away from married men!!!!!!!!!
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I wish you well lady. Here's hoping that it will be better for your family from hereon.
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nfa
12 yrs ago
Confused, you seem very forgiving…or should I say naïve ?
Your husband is cheating, the part about him not having sex with this woman and the others is just not believable. He says is just in for the thrill, and you don’t have sex together, so he is not having sex with anyone. This does not match.
You can assume he has, and will continue, to have sex with other women. But you forgave him once and he took it as a signal that you will forgive him again. He just thinks he can do it again and again because he knows 1) you will not find out or if he lies you will believe him 2) you will not leave him because of that. And this time he will be even more comforted seeing how gullible you are. Not allowing you to speak to this woman is such a big red flag.
Anyway, set your priorities straight. It seems you are willing to accept all that for the sake of stability. It is fine but just do not fool yourself by thinking he will not cheat again.
Also, don’t think you are the problem here, how is your husband cheating about you having a mid life crisis ??? He is the one cheating, it is not your fault.
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One thing nobody here mentioned. Cheating is bad enough but having sex with women, especially in Thailand is possibly exposing you to a disease like HIV. What would he say if he got HIV and exposed you to it. If you decide to stay together with him have an open relationship but don't have sex with him since there is always the possibility of STD's. I personally he is a disloyal bum and has no respect for you. If you had any self-esteem you would leave him. I know your children are a priority but make him pay like other disloyal, divorced husbands have to pay.
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"He admitted that he has has been unfaithful to me from the very beg."
"I believe that he hasn't had sex with these other women."
Hmmmm.....
Ok, so he admits one thing but you think he means another thing?
I am with nfa and brooklynexpat on this. One for saying that maybe you are a bit naive because you believe what you want to believe (which is a natural thing for someone in a bit of a pickle, believe me, I know the mindset). And the other thing is, disease. Maybe HIV isnt the biggest disease getting to do the rounds of the talk shows these days, but there are a good handful of others that don't get much play but are equally uncurable and can cause things like cancer and full on crotchrot!
I understand you are looking at this in a very rational-logical, some would say even calculating, as you are really weighing things up, the lifestyle (not glam, but still good) and the QOL stuff, for your kids and for you and your husband as it stands...so hey, as long as you are OK with your husband cheating on you for the rest of your life, then you got it made.
Its very naive to think he only cheated once with "that prostitute in bangkok". Any man who cheats is not going to be content to just "flirt" and text message "I love you's" to some platonic sweetheart. *SMH*
But, well...like you said, you have thought this through, and you have two kids to think about (mind, they are only 5 and 6 now, if you look up the psychology books on the impact of divorce on kids as according to their age, you will find it gets progressively WORSE, impact wise, as they get older, not better).
Divorce ends a marriage, it doesnt have to end a family. Many folks who stick with lousy spouses through decades think they are being martyrs for the kids and then divorce after the kids leave and the impact of that is worse, believe it or not, on the adult "kids".
http://www.amazon.com/Families-Apart-Keys-Successfual-Co-Parenting/dp/039952150X
Read that, I did, its a good book, it has a good reference to how kids cope with divorce according to their age, and also, how you can make co-parenting work if it came to it. Its a good thing to read about so you know what your other option is, being as you have used the threat of "I have a lawyer and will use him/her if you ever do this again" (which he will, trust me) so yeah, unless its an empty threat, you could benefit from learning what your options are.
Either way, you are the one living this life you are living, so in the end, its you who will know how you want to go about it.
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"So last night, by sheer stupidity on his part, he sent me a message which was supposed to be for the other girl. It had "I love you" on it. This means they've been at it for a year. He says they've not had sex. I believe him 70%."
Seriously? Com'on girl, this man has been cheating on you from the get-go, no way he would tell someone he loves her without being intimate.
The question that you need to ask yourself is: Can i deal with a cheating husband? As he for sure will never change...
Good luck!
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thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.
i understand how people would think me naive/stupid for staying and believing that he hasn't had sex with these other women. The thing is when we first met, he admitted that he has ED (yes, can't get it up) and we could only have sex with the help of a little blue pill. Even when we were just dating, he never really had that much sex. It didn't bother me. And we were never hot about it as it gives him side effects - heartburn, etc. Don't ask me how I got pregnant! We were really lucky. Sex once= baby. This is the reason I believe him. I know he is a serial flirt who validates his manhood by having women go after him.
As for the sex with prostitute, I've only caught him once. I know it's unacceptable but I attribute it to the fact that he's barely moved to Asia when he met me and got married. Anyway, I have forgiven him and moved on.
Separation is not entirely out of the cards. I have already gotten in touch with a lawyer. I am not a total doormat. However, I want to deal with this a maturely as possible with my children being my topmost priority. They adore their father; Have a great time with him all the time. My husband is devoted to them, comes home early from work every single day and his weekends are always devoted to us.
I love him still and still hopeful that this would work. Lost at the moment.
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If he comes home early everyday and the weekend is yours, I think thats great.
Hard as it may seem, I'm convinced giving it a shot is the best thing you can do given your kids are so little.............but dont let him take you for granted.
Let him know you have feelings and opinions on this behaviour.
I so hope it all works out for you...xxx
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you get along well, hes a great father and you always have fun together...but why is the sex life almost dead? Most would say sex is not important, but that is not the case for all. If one partner was sick or truly unable to, it would be understandable but if that is not the case, surely one cannot expect the other to be celibate. For some sex is not just a want but a need especially for those with a high sex drive.
I do not understand how you have sex 3 times a year and yet expect your husband to not look elsewhere for this.
Since you two have a lot of fun together, why not try more intimacy? Don't blame him entirely for his indiscretions. Try to talk things over so you both know what was lacking in your relationship that he had to look for it elsewhere, that is if you still want this marriage to work.
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1. He is the major earner
2. You have sex just a few times a year
So what exactly is HE actually getting out of the relationship with you...?
I don't think you are going to find many guys out there who will provide for you financially and stick around if they aren't even getting sex, good luck with that...
I don't know why you aren't having sex with him, but you should do whatever you need to spice things up and keep him involved - maybe he would have left you already but loves you and the only way to stay sane was to get sex somewhere else.
As for the flirting, its tough but most guys need to flirt, it's actually been the subject of quite a few psychological studies - for that type of personality he can either flirt now or end up a depressed and useless blob later on, then see how fun he is to have around after that.
Face the facts, it's December and he's only had sex with you 3 times this year, that's a *major* problem and whatever the cause is he's obviously going to be getting it somewhere else (maybe it's OK for some guys, but don't tell me sexless guys are normal, that's a whole other issue).
If the problem is that you don't want to have sex then maybe you can consider an open relationship because no matter what he says now he will definitely be getting it from somewhere else if it's not you.
Either way, two things are certain:
1. He's going to have sex with other partners at *some point*, regardless of what he says now
2. Even if you get divorced you are *not* going to find a guy who is great to have around, provides financially, and doesn't want sex. Not going to happen. Never.
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I think folks, you all missed OP saying her hubby has ED.
So, hmm...maybe this cheating thing is a need for validation of his manhood.
Bizarre that he is willing to go through the heartburn caused by the little blue pill with women other than his wife though. *SMH*
Anyway, I think if OP is fine with sex 3 times a year and if hubby has ED to begin with and quite possibly this may mean OP isnt just being naive, he just may be flirting and "I love you-ing" his way through affairs without the nookie. (Although I find it highly doubtful, there is still the benefit of the doubt that he is infact staying platonic)
BUT
This then means he is doing the ol' emotional cheating, which in many cases, me thinks, is worse. I mean, "I love you"??? Come on! How many people does he say that to with ease?
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yah, saying 'i love you' to someone that he supposedly is just flirting with, on a text message......uhhh
this guy has a few dysfunctions...
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Re: the i love you-ing, i was really really hurt about that. He's apologized profusely and willing to do anything that I ask of him. I am starting to give in. He's willing to do anything i ask of him. Anything.
I have also informed his family and friends about whats been going on, something I have never ever done before. At least now they are aware of the situation and wouldnt be too surprised should our marriage...
Now im wondering, is it impossible to have everything.? I'm rationalizing again. :-/
My husband is a hardworking and responsible man
He has no vices (apart from flirting)
He hardly spends on himself (clothes, gadgets, his car is an old but he's not bothered)
He is a GREAt dad. Seriously. He is home early every day. Reads to them, gets them ready for bed. How many men can claim that?
He is good to my family
Spends all weekends w us
Makes us breakfast
Takes kids out when im tired or busy
The list goes on and on....
He has rhis weakness that he cant seem to shake off. He is after the cheap thrills. Im attributing it now to his age and ED. Yes, i am convinced that he doesnt sleep with these women.
After everything thats happened this time (me telling his family,friends/ kicking him out of the house/ contacting his fling and being abusive/getting in touch with a lawyer) i think he has finally woken up and is serious about turning over a new leaf.
Am i a fool?
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hi butterpop.
like I said, this is the nth time he's done this. and he's not only text-flirting, he's also meeting with this girl, lying to me about his whereabouts.doing it witht he same girl for a year?? exchanging i love you texts? and i'm being too hard on him?
and i have always protected his image by not saying a word to anyone. i've been going through this for many many years: right after our wedding, through my pregnancies, and I'm being too hard on him now?
is this something you'll put up with?
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A couple of things going on here -
One: He has cheated with a prostitute. Two: he is a long term flirter.
Let’s be clear; flirting does not lead to prostitution, it can lead to affairs.
Both flirting and getting sex outside the marriage indicate something is missing. The combination of them together would suggest he is looking for validation; for some reason he needs to prove his manhood. Especially if he has ED.
If you want to repair things, then instead of reacting to your man’s behavior (not easy, I am sure), you need to consider how you can provide him the validation and satisfaction he needs.
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nfa
12 yrs ago
Hi Confused, it seems you have made your decision and taken some action so hopefully now you can move on.
One thing though so you can make your marriage better: you are wrong to assume that your husband has little desire to have sex (with you or others) because of its ED issues. Desire and performance are not the same thing.
He needs to feel that you are sexually attracted to him, otherwise he will go look for that elsewhere. Try to make an effort to make him feel wanted as a man, not only a father or a provider. In your list there is nothing about him as a person/man, it is only about what he provides to you and your family. That’s not good for his self-esteem.
Initiate some sexual activities with him, whether or not you go all the way. It can’t do any harm anyway, and it may actually make thing much better!
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nfa
12 yrs ago
Just saw CaptDave reply, it is spot on.
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nfa had some really good advise there, as did CaptDave. Not sure what butterpop was going on about moral high ground. No doubt OP is taking issue with her husband (whom, might we note, she has also listed innumerous positive attributes to) because she herself finds his indiscretions as insulting as she wouldnt do them herself. No need to attempt to tar OP just to justify her husbands behavior.
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Before trying to guilt trip him, ask yourself what's so good about YOU that he should stick around?
You have told us all what you are getting from him (money, great guy, great father, etc) but what is he actaully getting from you? What's in it for him? Because from what you've said so far it's definitely not the sex, the money, the validation and support, and it sure ain't your lovely caring nature after you just bad mouthed him to his friends and family - look at it from another perspective, how would you feel if he went and told your friends and family that you are crap in bed and don't make an effort?
I would be extremely surprised if you could find any married guy in this situation who won't go the full way and actually physically cheat - a lot - and you are reacting this badly because of some text messages? Perhaps you can tell us what action YOU took when you realized something was wrong and the sex stopped? If you did everything you could to support him and get through the whole ED thing, give him validation and keep the sex happening (after all, according to your posts he is making a major effort to be a great guy and be great with the kids etc), then OK perhaps he really is ana**hole.
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Thank you all! Wow. Too be honest I'm surprised to see all these responses. All your comments are so insightful really.
Let me just stress that I I accepted my husband's low sex drive/ ED from the beg. I does bother me sometimes but not enough to make an issue out of it. But obviously it comes to light when these things happen.
I'm also not villifying my husband here. You've prob noticed that I mentioned his many positive qualities. There's no point in giving biased information if one wants to get objective POVs.
My husband and I are in the process of working things out. I believe out marriage is worth it. It also looks like he's being moved to another city by next year. Which I think would be v good for our marriage. I would love to leave this all behind the sooner the better.
Thanks all. I think this will be my last message.
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"Let me just stress that I I accepted my husband's low sex drive/ ED from the beg. I does bother me sometimes but not enough to make an issue out of it. But obviously it comes to light when these things happen."
You certainly are confused... You just answered your own question on why he is "cheating". Combined with refusal to elaborate on a few specific points here in this thread and the picture becomes very clear. You need to start thinking from his perspective if you are serious about the marriage, or get used to the cheating.
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Well, I'm a little confused here too. He's apparently been partaking in some kind of extra marital affair for over a year, yet you state that ...
"My husband is devoted to them, comes home early from work every single day and his weekends are always devoted to us."
What I'd like to know is, when does he get the time for other women? If he's coming home from work early every single day and his weekends are devoted to his family, when does he actually have time for another woman/women??
Also, it seems a bit suspect to me that 'confused1' and 'butterpop' both have the same style of writing, both joined this forum at the same time (10/11 December respectively), both have the same amount of posts, oh, and 'butterpop' 'accidentally' responded to herself at one point, blaming it on being too early in the morning ...
Call me suspicious, but it all seems a little strange to me ...
Just a thought ... maybe he's gay and trying to cover it up with a marriage/children ... this may account for the lack of sex in the marriage/ED with his wife/still be loving to his wife and being a great provider and father to his family ...
Of course, I could be totally wrong on both assumptions, in which case I apologise to the OP.
It takes all sorts ...
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Awesome!!
This thread is getting better and better!!
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Dear Confused,
I agree with Sapphire here. How can your husband does has a time with women if he comes home early and all week end is devoted to you and your kids?
You worry that your kids are still young if you move out and you know financial issues as you says so.
You reminded me when my son was 4 years old when domestic violence started in my formerly sweet and happy home with my ex. Domestic Violence started when I learned about his womanizing. I was jobless when I left him. Never crossed in my mind who will support me and my son if we move out in a big comfortably provided with all the things my son and I need (big house, helpers, cars and branded items and out of town holidays). Never,never asked my self if I can manage financlially without him. Just thought I must leave this house,leave this man and bring my son along with me though I have to shed blood with the custody of him, I will and glad I did. A man who cheats to his wife and caught and promised not to do it again, never trust for when he has the chance he will do it again.
Sooner or later your kids will learn the bad parts of their dad cause you told other people about it and will look more bad. And maybe when that sooner will come, they are abit older which affects them psychologically speaking it would be difficult for them to bear while now that they are young. My son and I are an example. He was 4 years old when I divorced his father and now he is 15 years old and we live more comfortably that I did not expect it would be. Go find a work and do not rely on the income of your husband. You can do better than him is what my motto.
But well you know what is best.
Good luck!!!
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butterpop, I hardly think my previous post has 'dramatised' anything ... I simply said what I thought it seemed ... and apologised to the OP if my assumptions were incorrect. This post is not about you (assuming you are a different person), it's about the OP (confused1). It really wasn't necessary for you to explain your life/marital problems, as they aren't really quite the same as the OP's, in such that she does not claim to have fallen into the trap of infidelity herself and cheated on her husband, so your circumstances were quite different.
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Dedicated to the OP
https://youtu.be/Jk7uXaNuWNE?si=ngHJ3-BdCV8_YiEv
Good Luck Girl!!!
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I tend to agree with Waarkool.
Asia is unlike anywhere else, both the women and the men have different expectations. Many of these girls target married men. It makes sense, doesn't it? They are the marrying kind.... But they are usually tired, often overwhelmed by the responsibilities at home, and desirous of proving to themselves at least that they can still be an exciting lover etc. etc. The fact that the guy has ED is probably the reason he is hanging out with (presumably) a younger or more adventurous sex partner.
From what you say, it seems that he had no intention of leaving you for this flirtation, but if you insist, what choice does he have?
If I were you, I wouldn't hand my husband to another woman on a plate. This is playing into these girls' hands.
I would insist he goes to counselling with you, and that he must strike a deal with you so that you can be convinced that he has ended it with this woman.
Of course, that is not going to change his flirty behaviour. However, I think it may put him on alert as to the consequences of this action. It really is about time the pair of you had a serious conversation about the quality of sex between you and that should be done I think with a counsellor/mediator.
Moral outrage is not going to pay the bills for you. Your children need a father, and you need a husband. Fight for him and them, and run the girl/other woman out of your lives.
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Butterpop, I absolutely agreed with you.
In OP's case, the husband is the one who is at fault, blaming the other woman is a self-cheating defense mechanism, the reality is if it is not this Jane, there will be other Janes out there. The 3rd party has no responsibilities and as Butter rightfully pointed out - no loyalty to either.
I've seen lots of cases/friends who can only turn half blind to their husband's cheating because they couldn't support themselves/children, since they have been out of workforce for too long, so YES, having own source of financial income means one can live with dignity and therefore is in a more control position.
As with handling the husband to the other woman on a plate, seriously, why not?? Taking aside the financial consideration, I would ask myself if this man (a serial cheater and a john) is worthy of my love and trust, and for me to fight for??
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it takes two to tango. if the husband is not a serial cheater, something drove him to do so. cannot blame other women as well, they do not make or break a marriage because the marriage is between the husband and wife and failed marriages cannot be the fault of just the husband or just the wife. If one partner wants intimacy and sex/ someone to talk to/ and the other does not, the one who does not want it cannot and should not expect the other partner to look for it and get it elsewhere.
I agree with flashback with regards to getting couselling and for the couple to start talking and reviving their sex life.
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*should not expect the other partner to NOT look for it and NOT get it elsewhere.
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hi. I was really surprised to find that this discussion is still going. thanks for all the comments.
my husband and I have decided to take a break. I have booked my tickets back home and I'm taking the kids with me. I just wanted them to spend the holidays here first. We had a very long and mature talk. I'm leaving in 3 days. he is very sorry for everything, but he understands that I need to have some time on my own first.
He admits that there are things he needs to fix in his life and so do I. I don't know what's going to happen after this but of course I'm still hoping for the best. I think there is still love between us. But maybe a break will do us both good.
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Very pleased to hear that you are taking some time out to think about things, and also to weigh your options and feelings. I wish you all the best!
Actually Butterpop (above) I am not sure if my previous post is a conventional response. Years ago, in another culture, I would probably have advised the woman to branch out, find a job, carve out a new life etc. etc. But things aren't that easy anymore as they were in the golden age of women's liberation etc. Truth is, I've grown up. And I know that people make mistakes, that people can and do change and that children need stable homes and families. A stable home is not going to guarantee that a child is going to be sane and stable themself.
However, looking at this particular situation, the wife says that her family life is harmonious. He doesn't beat her. He provides for the family. They both have a shared vision of their future life together. He is contrite. What do you suggest, on balance, she should do? Throw it all in? I think that is an irresponsible approach myself.
As to the 'it takes two to tango' statement. That's true, but take a look around you here. The aggressiveness of the female species in this part of the world... well, we've all been here long enough to know....
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possibel way to approach the matter:
start with (1) describing your feelings: feeling hurt, unfair, cheated, confused, insecure, worried about chidren, . . u r suffering and the family is suffering as a result...
(2) it takes 2 to tango, starting a family often takes a toll on couple relationship. take this as a family matter, not an individual/couple matter)
(3) don't treat him like a criminal, open attitude help open discussion
questions to help discussion:
"how has his upbringing connected with this incident"
"how has couple intimacy connected with this incident"
"how has work stress connected with this incident?"
"how has ED connected with this incident"
"What can I (wife) do to help?"
"How can u be assured/peace of mind that flirting/sex incident is not happening/gradually disappearing?"
"how can u know he is being honest with u?"
"If this is a habit and habits die hard, how can this habit go away (slowly?)
"how can u as a couple address this psychological issue?"
"how can u as a family address this matter?"
try to come up with a plan: counselling or chatting once a week by yourselves, chatting with help from a trusted friend/couple/couples
TRY TO DO STH DIFFERENT, rather than just verbal promises.
I appreciate your courage, love and forgiveness in handling with this situation
on the basis love, respect and understanding, everything will work out fine.
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