Posted by
venusmars
12 yrs ago
I have been with my partner for over 5 years now, living in Hong Kong for 3. I want to take our relationship to the next level, marriage, children, maybe even buying a house. I am TOTALLY ready for Kids!
He wants to wait until he is "financially ready" for all 3, aka have a ton of money in the bank. What should I do? I am in my early 30s, he is 36...
Is he serious about the whole thing?
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ask him for a specific timeline?
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Thank you all for your input. Well basically, over the last 3 years in HK, he has been having 3 jobs, as he worked for 2 companies on a contract basis (12 months).
We now finally have some money in the bank saved up (not much, less than HK$150k), but I cant understand why it always has to be about finances. I get that you want to have certain stability in your life, but being in a relationship for 5 years, with nothing to show for? Com'on!
I've asked him for a specific timeline, but he keeps on changing them, as it all depends on the *money*...
Should I just wait until he says ‘ok hun, I’m now ready to be a dad’, or should I find someone else who is willing to commit? Or is he committed?
Gosh, all these questions, hah!
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i thought nowadays women want to be treat as equal, so why should the guy marry you? you take your risk, he has all the time in this world.
if for you marriage is a commitment, i said not really, look at in france, many live as compagnions.
so then, it's because you as a woman wants some official commitment because the older you get the less desirable you become? then please don't ask men to treat women equally. they are not equal.
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sure, that is if he wants to, unlike being forced to, that's why they all run away after the 'love' has faded away.
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Can I just point out that I can understand his financial worries? And I think that it is really clever of him to wait until savings is secured. I would respect him for his reality check level.
Having a child or 2 or 3, it is really costly and once you have them, you have to deal with it. ( Of course the rewards are priceless).
Buying a house is a big commitment too. It's not just the bare amount, the tax, interest, renovation, etc.
I do understand your frustration so may I point out, as long as you have his commitment saying let's get married, I think all you have to do is figure out the financials and set a time line. This is the time to practice communication on serious matters!! Ask him how much would he feel safe.
My friend who had been with a guy was getting itchy at year4, he said the same, we are not ready to start up a family or get married because I am not financially secured. She believed him supported the savings and year7, they got married, one year later, had a beautiful baby girl. Honestly, he is in love with her and appreciates her waiting, believing in him.
If you are worried about the biological clock, modern medicine is on your side but, get yourself ready for the day. Becoming pregnant needs your body to be in healthy shape, and for that, a few months training won't help!!
Good luck!
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"No. A man has to 1. respect/ 2. admire / 3. deeply in love / 4. protect / 5. listen his wife or gf." ok and what does the man get in return? not only all the 5 requirements you mentioned, you forgot the most important thing: providing financial security. and so basically the man is the slave. again what does the man gets? so please don't say women are equal to men! just be honnest and accept there is difference and don't always use the sex equality when it fits you!
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@amestris 2013
ever heard of DH's in HK ?
and you might do better if you could learn a bit of English grammar and drop that filthy attitude of yours.
I am talking about the following comment of yours in case you are lost scratching your dandruff filled head.
"Those "run away" guys mostly with inferior features.
Don't pick them."
@venusmars
he enjoyed the best of your years (25-30), if he still have doubts about taking it to the next level.. well nothing much to say i guess.
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Amestris, are you a guy pretending to be a girl? some of your expressions are indeed very manly, girls wouldn't write nor express the way you do.
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like someone said ealier, Amestris is a troll and i add here a male troll.
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$150K is nothing and at this speed, he won't be able to accumulate seriously so it shouldn't be the main reason to marry. for him the main reason to marry you, is to prove to you that he loves you and want to give you reassurance that you have not wasted your best youthful 5 years for him and now at 30 years harder for you to find another person, your position has pretty much weakened and if he loves you, he must give you that reassurance to marry you. otherwise, he's an a**hole, taking advantage of your youth and prime time and then dumped you.
on the other hand, you don't want to show him that you are pressuring him to marry but in view of your situation, he must understand and mustn't make you wait any longer if he has no intention to marry, he must try to limit your loss and tell you the truth so you won't waster another 5 years.
good luck to you and don't get angry with him, it's you who had put yourself in that situation.
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Come on Guys, a woman's prime is when she thinks it is!!!
Maybe from a guy point of view, the younger ages with tight collagen is great but, maturity delivers another attraction.
The 40's are the new 30"s and the 30's are the new 20"s.
My prime ages were 33 onwards with the hiatus of breeding and getting the children into human beings. Before 33, I was not sure what I was doing let alone understanding the reality of adult life. True that recovery is not possible without help over 40 but, I still enjoy my life. Going to LKF, yes, I drool over that smooth skin of a 20 year old but, I do get compliments that I am fun to be with on odd occasions of mommy's night out and I am happy with it.
Each age category has it's own attraction!!!
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yes women like to think like you do to give them more hope and courage to find their man but in reality as everyone knows, women chance to find a husband in inversely proportional to their age whereas for men, it's proportional. that's why, many compare women to a flower, not for its fragility but for its short life.
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given the chance, almost all the men go for the younger women, they demonstrate it clearly when they are in Asia. in the West, they can't apply their real desire because of many pressures and when one appears, people critizice him because they are all jealous of him. But not too long ago, the West was the same as in the East. with progress and equality, it's tougher for a man to do what he wants sexually but as i said given the chance, he will do it, specially when he is older.
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Hey rititt,
I do understand you are talking about a true fact out there. I have seen it. But. it is not a reason to give up believing in true something.
I can easily understand why men choose younger woman, because they are full of life. My CA friend and her colleagues even had a saying " be careful of older men in business and first class as they will suck up youth from you."
Who wants to spend time with a complete grumpy, tired , clingy, basic line, negative influence? As woman ourselves, wouldn't we want to spend time with people who are not always there to complain??? I give out my heart to my friends till the ends earth but, if happened 24/7. it will drive me nuts!! Only your children can do it to you.
I know a lot of people will attack me for this but, i think it is a wife and husband's duty to make sure they control their own emotion but, find console in each other and not trashing the whole responsibility. Of course, you will have the out bursts and it is healthy but, that is a totally different from having your life and sharing it with your partner. If either of the party starts failing and does not realize that they are becoming a emotional burden, it is only human nature to stray.
I really do not think men stray for the tight body or skin, I think they stray for emotional uplifts!!
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staxi
12 yrs ago
Isn't it pretty normal that men who truly their woman wants to give her the most wonderful wedding in the world of which she had always dreamed of? And make sure they are financially ready afterwards for children? It's sad that it's always about money, but that's how today's life is filled of. Have you talked about how you want to get married? Might he be humiliated because you dream of a wedding he cannot afford right now? Have you talked about kids and if they should visit the best (aka most expensive) kindergartens and schools in HK? Then surely it's not the right time yet. If you tell your husband, you just to marry him, no matter if big ceremony or not, and if there will be kids, local kindergarten will be fine etc etc..... Maybe he will be happy hearing that.
It's hard to give advice as I don't know your background and expectations on all this. My husband knew that I want a big wedding with everybody there and whit gown and wedding suite afterwards. So he waited asking me (7years) until he knew, we both can afford it. And we both paid our wedding equally. No need hubby to pay all of it, since I had some savings at that time.
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I don't want to be rude, but your relationship is in a period of stasis. He has no plans to marry, and this is unlikely to change without something causing it.
If you badly want to get married, my suggestion is you give an ultimatum, and if needed, walk out and explain why. Either (1) he'll realize what he is missing and marry you -OR- (2) You can start again find someone else who will.
The alternative is to continue as you are now. If you are worried that you're never going to find anyone else, that might be the right course of action.
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venus, i didn't get from your posts, do YOU have a job?
cos if you don't and this bloke who has no job security (been jumping from job to job in the past years and at 36 has a mere HK150k of savings... it is a miracle that he doesn't have mid-life crisis yet, or does he? can he afford a housewife?
do you want a marriage and a kid and face a reality of living a miserable life? what are his goals and dreams? is he moving forward with them? if not, why? how are you helping him get to the point where he will be financially confident to marry and have children. if at 36 he is not able to bring in decent cash, will he ever be? not that people should be judged on how much cash they earn, but nothing about starting a family and having children is cheap.
what guy wastes 5 years being with someone he is not serious about? i leave after 2 months when i am not serious. just saying.
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@ staxi
no it is not pretty normal for sane people to waste truckloads of money on marriage, which no one will remember after a week or so, and you yourself will forget it as well after some time.
@lunatic
what is wrong in being 36 and having a mere HKD150K?
look around you a lot of people don't match your criteria and they are happy and married as well.
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@ scorpio01, sure there are many people who are happy with much less. but there are insecure people like me out there who hope if they start a family they can provide it with the best without having to struggle. OP needs to talk to him in detail and about numbers.
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coty
12 yrs ago
Guys go for much younger girls when they're newly dumped. this happened to a 40yo friend but now he dates women his age. Comes down to compatibility. Besides what's the difference between being seen with a girl way younger and a prostitute? The guys look bad. And girls under 35 secretly laugh at bald patches!
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insecurity is often difficult to cure, and by the time you reach the security stage most people are already middle aged.
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Women want security...
Men are expected to provide it.
But is the world really secure??
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@scorpio. not necessarily that long... anyway i agree that it depends on the lifestyle that people want to live. so depends on the lifestyle OP wants from her man. there are some women out there who demand extravagant lifestyles without willing to comprehend what it takes to provide for them.
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Thank you for your input everyone; highly appreciate people’s views and opinions, even though they might not always be positive... :)
To answer some of the questions: yes, I do have a job. In fact, I make almost just as much money as my bf does. I know that in a booming market as Hong Kong, HK150k might not sound as much, but to be honest, I don’t have any friends back home in Europe with that kind of money in the bank saved up.
I truly love my bf with all my heart, but I’m just afraid that one day, I will wake up, and find out that he is not willing to commit. The possibility of me being 35 with no serious relationship and no children (which I even want more badly than marriage) scares me to death.
Unfortunately, women do have a biological clock to think about when making life decisions…
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I was with my ex-boyfriend for 5 years when I was in my late 20's. Like you, I wanted to be married, family, children, etc. He told me he is not ready financially.
I left him (it was a very difficult decision for me) but I have been married now for 8 very happy years to a wonderful, loving husband and a beautiful family.
I run into my ex occasionally and guess what? He is not married, doing the same job but just move from girlfriend to girlfriend. He is a nice fellow and I hope he finds someone but you just need to understand that some people have a different perspective/benchmark on marriage.
For while after we broke up, I doubted my decision. I was in my early 30's and had to "learn" to date again. It really wasn't what I wanted.
The "new" doesn't come if the "old" doesn't leave.
In the end it was my "bodyclock" that told me it's time to go.
Whatever you decide, put yourself first. Good luck!
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I think that some people just don't see marriage as destination of a relationship, however, it doesn't mean that they are not serious enough.
I would suggest you to talk to your boyfriend earlier about the things you want and see if you two have the same expectation, this is very important. By knowing each other's expectation, you will then know where to go. Better communication and understanding leads to less complaint.
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OP, i apologize for assuming you were one of those nagging wannabe housewife types. (probably due to my frequently running into them irl).
taking your number 150k: as a couple you are saving roughly 4k/ month. is that enough to have a child without significantly decreasing your living standards?
then there was this thing i read somewhere that guys first make the decision to get married, then go out looking for a wife, rather than find the perfect girl and then decide to get married. maybe there is some truth to it.
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A life partner is someone who shares the same goal. That's it.
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Personally I know a lot of women who are old, withered and barren now because they wasted their prime years (their early thirties) dating fukwits who couldnt commit to whether or not they wanted to have children. Men know the woman they want to have kids with. Ask him, do you want to have kids? Well, do you want to have kids WITH ME?
I can tell you this, don't be the woman to waste your good years on someone who was too comfortable being in a "practically married" situation without having to live it for real.
You won't keep getting younger, that is all.
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You honestly don't know anyone your age with the equivalent of US$2000 in the bank saved up? We'd half paid our mortgage and still had about twenty times that in the bank at that age (except I am three years younger, not 6). We got married a lot younger, have had two kids and whilst we didn't (and don't) have a stack of money, it's improved as the kids have got older. Definitely comfortable. Waiting for 'perfect conditions' is nuts. I don't think he's serious about you.
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<< "No. A man has to 1. respect/ 2. admire / 3. deeply in love / 4. protect / 5. listen his wife or gf." ok and what does the man get in return? >>
Well, actually, if it's a marriage worth having, then I'd say that the man gets the same in return ... surely? It's certainly the case within my marriage, and so far it's lasted for 26 years (together for 33 years). It has to be a two-way thing ... same goals in life, same ideals, same feelings for one another, caring, sharing, trusting ... they are all fundamental values of a happy, lasting, relationship.
To the OP ... I can understand your partner wanting to have a decent sum in the bank before making such commitments. Getting married (unless your parents are prepared to pay!), setting up a home of your own and of course having children, are all very costly. However, this also depends on what you both want and what's important to you both ... My husband and I got married when we hardly had two pennies to rub together. We were both working but neither of us earned very much at that time, and we didn't have ANY savings. However, we decided that we wanted to be together, so we set a date for a year ahead and managed to save a deposit for a very small house. We both wanted children, and the first one came along 3 years into the marriage ... we still had very little money, but we were happy, and we managed ... even on one salary once the kids arrived! There were times when it wasn't easy, but you know what? ... If we had our time again, we wouldn't change a thing!
You need to have a serious discussion with your partner ... not a nag, but a proper heart to heart discussion. It obviously bothers you that you may be wasting your time with him if he doesn't ultimately want what you want out of life. Have a relaxing evening, with a nice meal and a bottle wine, then open up the discussion, maybe by asking him what his hopes/wishes are for the future, etc., then see where it takes you ... you need to find out if you're both on the same page ....
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you really don't need loads of money in the bank in order to get married, or even to start a family ... you'll always find a way to manage if it's what you both really want. Obviously, for some, money is more important ... it's up to the two of you to decide together where your relationship is going ....
Good luck with it all ... I hope it turns out well for you!
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Sorry, misread that. $20k - not insignificant but nothing out of the ordinary either.
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thank you all for your support. It seems like many people think it would be better if i leave him. I have a lot to think about...
thanks once again!
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What's holding you back you propose to him if he say yes enjoy or else move on.
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Am I too traditional when I say that I think that a man should propose to a woman and not the other way around?
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As I read your post it reminded me of me lol... Every 2 years i would say- ok, 2 more years and we should have enough money. This went on for about 6 years... Then she asked me something that really hit home, "How much money do you plan to save/spend on the wedding?" This one question made me want to think about it, in return I'd learnt that her family including herself didn't want a lavish wedding, infact a vacation wedding would be just fine. As long as it was what we both wanted. This one question did not include how big or how small the apartment, where to live, how many kids... It was focused and allowed for us to discuss what we actually expected for the wedding. This help me take the first step and we got married in 2008. As for the house and the kids, well, we had a beautiful son 2 years after our marriage and a year after that we were able to put down a deposit..
These milestones are much easier to achieve in time, I dont think majority of the working class would be able to save money and do everything all in one go.. It's the first step that is key, the commitment to take on the challenges together working towards the goals.. Nowadays, when I'm engaged in a similar topic about friends having to save more money before getting married, I would usually reply "why wait, you still have to save money after you get married"
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A. says:
"A man has to 1. respect/ 2. admire / 3. deeply in love / 4. protect / 5. listen his wife or gf.
This is clear."
May I ask you,
What comes on the opposite side of that?
Do you think it should be reciprocal?
If not, why not?
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Hi all, quick update: nothing much to share actually. Same old same old, still not married or children in the pipeline. He turned 37 earlier in the year and we are creeping up to almost 6years together. Seriously, this can't be normal, and I need to figure out what I want before I miss a chance of meeting someone great...
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simple, dump him, he has no intention of marrying you
love is a journey not a destination and marriage is a crucial part of that journey
waiting to have enough money to marry is like waiting for the right partner to have sex, bet he did'nt do that :)
you're 30 so still in the game to find someone who will wnat to spend the rest of his life with you regardless of how much money you both may have
his way of thinking is understandable for a young man in his early 20's but at 37, he's lost the plot and chances are will never ever find it again, so leave in a hurry and have no regrets
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wow, malka, how many marriages have you had ????
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OP, maybe he's not "THE ONE" ? I say this not because if his action but, you really dont sound like you believe or trust in his judgement.
Marriage and having children is not as rosey as it looks like. You have 2 different people trying to adjust their beliefs. If you are struggling to make him believe that he is ready for a family, it's going to be a series of constant argument for you. With children, you are going to have so much things to discuss, which school, which training, etc, if you guys can't meet in the middle, he understanding your argument and you, not being to be able to give him an argument he understands, it's really a struggle.
I don't mean to rip you down but, take a deep breath and thinking he is really the one instead of making importance on the length of the relationship.
I didn't mind not marrying my husband because at the end of the day, I knew that what is "really" important for both of us. If he didn't get a transfer, we would have probably done the commons marriage thing.
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venusmars, if you are still attractive, i advise you to find a richer man. not necessary handsome but someone in good health and normal looking but with money, not necessary very rich but at least enough to secure your future. i would say someone who has at least HK$100million in asset.
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coty
11 yrs ago
What's the point of getting him to marry you? If he doens't want to, even if he marries you he'll cheap, plenty of examples around.
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I have to agree with P Mason.
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