"Going Dutch" in a marriage?

Any married woman out there whose husband asks you to split kids school fees, extracurriculars, meals and other things?


This doesn't happen all the time but very often. And my monthly salary is a quarter of what he makes. His reasoning is "well I have to spend a lot too and more than half my salary gets spent".


I totally get it and empathize and would help out more if I could I guess but I am also old fashioned and just don't feel right when I'm asked to pay for half of almost everything.


Whenever he has to pay fpr something like kids doctors bills he gets upset and sighs loudly at the clinic.


Just want to know if anyone else goes through this. And what do other couples do in terms of their expenditures.


TIA!

he is a loser, honestly.


if anything, put both salaries into a big pot and then pay from there.

do you see yourself in this marriage for life? If so, what does it matter who is putting in what money? Sounds to me like both of you are still viewing this as a trial relationship when really, you are married with kids.

Well considering 1/3 of marriages fail I don't see it as unreasonable, he is just being practical. The concept of married couples living happily everafter these days are fanciful.


Like you said already, he spends half of his salary on family expenses so he is not exactly shirking his responsibility, he's just safeguarind his personal welfare to a degree.

MJ1, the wife earns a quarter of his salary. If they were to go 50/50, she would essentially use up all her salary to pay for the children's expenses. How's that fair?


Safeguarding his assets, sure we can understand that except in a very, very selfish way.

Thank you all for your replies and GemmaW for understanding why I am upset.


I am not a selfish person whatsoever and I completely understand my husband's point of view. However, like Gemma pointed out I use up all of my salary as it's much less than his. So when I point that out he tells me to work more when in fact I am the housekeeper as well so working more can't be done unless neither of us want to be home to see our kids.

Why are you worried? If you ever split, you'll get 50% of all his assets anyway, including the family home. If you don't have enough money, ask him to give you an allowance.


Gemma: Unless we know the full financial picture, we can't assume it's an unfair arrangement just because she uses up 100% of her salary to fund her 1/2 share. I mean, who's paid the majority of the apartment they live in? the car they drive? etc Also if her salary is only so much, obviously the hubby has to cover the balance remaining. You can't just pick and choose and then based it being unfair on just that part.

I used to work on a personal finance show and this topic came up a few times. Best advice I can give is to open one joint account where you each put an equal percentage of your salary in so that it is fair - especially since you say you only make a quarter of what he makes. So if you each agree to put in 30% of your salary into the pot no one is putting a bigger chunk. This joint account can go to servicing joint expenses: household, school, medical, etc.Then, each of you can keep a separate account of your own which is your discretionary account and the other cannot complain about what is spent. You can use this for clothes, makeup, fun stuff that you do for yourself. Of course it's important that neither of you builds up or hides huge debt in any of these accounts, you have to be honest about it.

This is the most fair situation I can think of. It is not fair for both of you to put in an equal sum since you make less than he does so you must explain it to him in this way. Good luck.

In days gone by, amarriagewas a relationship whereby 2 persons decide independently (in most cultures) that they want to committheir lifeto the other by forming an exclusiveunion.



The operative word was union. For unity to work, tolerance and respect were key. In its simplest form each party had a role to play and the extent to which the roles complemented each other's determined how smooth the union was.



Nowadays, a marriage is for companioship, for breeding, for convenience, for security, for others, for money, for the moment, etc.



The subtle difference over time is a shift towards a focus on "me" which seem to be in line with the generational shifts towards one's sense of entitlement.



The dilemma for most people nowadays is that they are caught between the generations, on the one hand they live life with a sense of entitlement but on the other hand, when it comes to marriage, they are old fashioned.



So, first thing to resolve this dilemma. A sense of entitlement is great for the individual you but in a union of two, it won't work. A trade off is required.



If either of you want to have your cake and eat it, your union will only end in one way. If you both understand that a union requires compromises then it will succeed.



So, have a chat with him about this and if he insists his way is the best way for all valid reaons, the realise he is of the "sense of entitlement" generation but you are of the "old fashioned" one, then calmly, rise, say goodbye, and close the door behind you never to return.



Just as surely the sun will rise again tomorrow, so too will your life begin anew and you will eventually find that one person who will be prepared to form a union with all that it entails.

Its time to go straight to the church you attend. Desperate time needs desperaste measures. If you want to stay together , and Im sure you do . Join a marriage survival enrichment course. Talk to a pastor or pastors wifeprivately for counseling. No its not 50-50 it ALL or Nothing in a Marriage. I give all if she wants it. but she only asks what she needs. I only ask what I need and I helped her attain a PHD last year by proofreading and editing her thesis. so it will benefit both of us.If you want to be selfish ,remembber how lonely you were when you were single and selfish. Just stay commited to her. Wife stay commited to him.

So funny some of the suggestions here, just because the husband asks for half of some expenses, the best solution is for the wife to get a divorce and walk away. No one cares whether he is a good father, good husband, what he has put out financially in the past etc

How about she sucks it up, realise maybe her hubby is under a lot of work / financial / family stress and try to accommodate. Everyone always says if the hubby really loves the wife then he would have no problems giving all his money to her if she asks, but the moment the husband wants the wife to pay half for certain expenses, it's not tolerated and it's time to get a divorce. Give me a break.


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