Do you really want to know why your bf/gf dumped you?

There are many posts on here about "Why don't they call anymore?".


A possbile reason reason for confusion.

My expat male friend wants to end a relationship with a woman because of her behaviour, that he finds unnaceptable.


The last girl he ended things with, he told her why. She told him that he should not be so direct. He should not have told her why, but instead just drifted away and not returned her calls etc.


There are three issues to balance here.

First, face. If you tell someone why you are dumping them and that causes them to lose face, and they are Chinese, that is bad.


Second, if someone does keep making the same mistakes in relationships, they will never learn unless someone tells them. Ok they still have to take ownership of the problem and deal with it, but if nobody tells them they can't change(moments of Epiphany are a rare exception).


Third, if nobody actually says you have been dumped, you can be left swiming in a sea of confusion. 'Why doesn't he call?', 'Help me understand how men think', etc.



Sometimes I have been a jerk, and nobody likes being told. But I have learned to be less of a jerk.

If nobody ever corrected me, I am sure I would still be single.


And so to the main question:

Would you want to know why you were dumped?

Yes or no.

Are you expat or local?


I am not trying to make this racist. Knowing the cultural background would help in both understanding, and learning how to manage the end of a relationship better.

Interesting post...


"Would you want to know why you were dumped?"


Of course yes, I'm a black and white person, I like to analyze situation and reasons behind. I'm a woman. For men, I think it's a basic respect to your partner that you give her a reason on why you think it doesn't work out between you and her. People need to know and grow from it. But one thing important is, you should tell the true reason not a roundabout ambiguous reason that mislead people. In fact, I think such men are courageous and forgivable. It makes women's life easier. Of course, you way of expressing the reason should be tailored. Simply walkaway, playing the disappearance game is immature, selfish, coward.


I think most men seem to pick the wrong way by leaving the situation quietly, maybe out of fear of facing the problem, fear of hurting the women, or need more time to consider the situation, or anything. However, from a woman's perspective, this behavior is what we call "jerk" or "asshole". Women are in fact more direct than men think. As long as men end it quick-and-dirty, women can also move on to their new lives without thinking or expecting anything. Same way for women, I always tell guys why it doesn't work out. I tell them because I respect them and it's a question of fit not a question of how bad he is.



"Are you expat or local?"

Chinese.

Mmmnnn it's an interesting post. I think I would like him to tell me that it's over for him, but I wouldn't really care what the reason was, and would probably rather he kept his opinion to himself, because afterall, his reasons for leaving would probably not be the same reasons others have. I can't see what I could learn from that, to be honest, but I would appreciate closure of some kind. I also really hate the 'can we just be friends' approach... I mean, no, we can't.... I already have enough friends... The last thing I need is an ex-lover hanging around complicating things.

Mimibank. In my experience, that's when women tend to go ballistic. In a worse case scenario they can make up all sorts of allegations.

For me it's not neccessary to know the reasons and there were always some signs before the guy ended the relationship. You would know there were some problems unless you totally blind yourself. If the guy wanted to work on the problems together he would have suggested already i guess. He decided to go away that means he doesn't wanna work on it anymore. Just tell me that it's not gonna work then it's alright, whatever reasons, it's not important anymore.

There is an album exists in many women’s memory. It records all the wonderful romantic stories in her live that one day she wishes she can share to her daughters or granddaughters. It is important for her that all those stories ended with beautiful nodes that she doesn’t have to make them up by herself.

And men just don’t have such an album and don’t have the desire to have or share the whole stories.

So for the man, it is not necessary, but it is a nice gesture to bring a comforting closure to the woman, who had given you her genuine feelings.

That's all very well but there are a significant percentage of nutters in both the male and female population. Best to let it die slowly on the vine if you ask me. Brave and noble people usually end up in trouble.

im a woman and the reason wont be too important to me. but what i do want to know if its over for him.


just for closure. the reasons are not so important. no BS talk about needing space or posting rude posts on a social netwrok site.


to me thats just immature.


case in point:


a friend recently had that experience. her then bf posted on a site that he banned her from his profile.. and told everyone they knew to block her. all the while telling her that he just needs a few days break and it would all be ok, but he was telling everyone they split. IMMATURE.

Yes of course I would like to know. For closure and self improvement


woman, asian

JosephRJ ...what's a problem to someone is probably not going to be a problem to someone else.... You shouldn't let someone's opinion of you define you. We're all going to get hurt sooner or later... step out and live.


There are limits to how much self-reflection/fear one should go through after a break up. I'm all for preserving self-esteem. If he broke up, then he's made a choice, I'm not going to take it personally, and I don't think there's much value in taking stuff like that personally. I mean... what if he/she broke up with you because you didn't look like Jessica Alba?

http://www.nationalledger.com/ledgerpop/article_272630303.shtml (Are you going to get plastic surgery)

Didn't have enough money? ( Are you going to rob a bank?) Didn't want your kids? (Are you going to put them in the back seat and drive into a dam?) Yeah... people have done this... Healthy self-esteem... priceless.

Wow, I am with flashback on this one. Do you have any idea how many frootloops are out there making the circuit of the dating scene these days?


I have dated some who have outright made insulting comments about my son and me, no doubt they had their reasons, but they are very one sided, subjective, hurting reasons. I think best way to do it is to part ways and just accept that the two of yous are on the wrong page, eh?


Whats so wrong with that?


So many people sit there craving "closure". Wtf is that anyway? You are done with a relationship it should translate as closed! If you get a chance to tell someone that you thought they had moderate halitosis, concave tits, cellulite or ingrown toenails, will that change anything? I think not. How is that letting things go the graceful way...when you get out of a relationship, just GTFO.


If we allowed people to get into a free for all shizzslingin contest, it would get ugly, its hard to be the bigger person and to keep your mouth shut. So if you end things, just let it end, who needs a progress report on something that has seen the end of days? Anyone that needs a "reference" from a failed relationship partner obviously doesn't have enough faith in themselves!


And thats how JC......see's it! ;)

Cowboy is not into closure because the results are mostly catastrophic.


This "closure" thing is part of the neverending female battle of "I want to know the truth" versus "I want the truth to match the beautiful story in my head".


You'll be amazed at how many women I talked to who, talking about their exes, they always say that "we had cultural differences" (after being together for 2 years) or "he was too busy with his job" (when he always had time to meet her before) or any other inane excuse, just to avoid the truth which, in most cases, is one of the following:

a) He got bored and found someone new, fresh and younger.

b) You began asking for marriage, so he knew he had to go.


"Closure" would only work if we guys could have a reason that would not hurt the ladies, which is basically impossible because in Asialand 99% of the reasons for leaving someone is because there is a replacement around the corner.


Sure I could be honest. There was a time when I would break up with girls after a short while for no reason whatsoever other that knowing that a new cutie would come within hours. How to say that? I have lost the account of women I dumped because they began leaving their stuff on my apartment, or because they began requesting more time, or more "commitment". How to explain that?


Sure I could be honest, as I did in some cases, just to see them getting ballistic and making a huge scene, or having to call the cops because they wouldn't leave my apartment, or even finding myself facing sudden fake pregnancies or in front of a judge or having them sending insults in letters to my boss...


I could tell you horror stories that would keep you awake at night, all because I was honest with my closure.


But today I have learned that the few tiny percentage of women who can take the truth don't make worth the risk of having a 1-1 meeting with a female version of Damian from "The Omen".


And just to clarify, I haven't been fooling around or lying all the time. Even when I was honest with women they simply grew some sense of entitlement or some hope that they could change me into the knight with the shiny armor that I am inside of their brains.


Today I walk away without a word and I power off my phone. I am already close to 35 and I need to look after my health.