Posted by
closetcase
18 yrs ago
I have been seeing this guy for 6 months already. We both agreed that it's an open relationship that we both can still look outside if we feel like it.
(I am ashamed of it, so don't flame me) I checked his phone once around 3 months ago. He has girls sms him wanting to get together, or bla bla. I guess he has several "gfs" in town. Since Jan, we've been spending pratically every night together, and he has now fewer midnight phone calls.
He still introduce me as his friend, not his girlfriend, and we never talked about going further.
what should I do now?
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well...to quote him: I really like you, do you want to see me more often? don't be frightened, I am not asking you to make any commitment. You can still see other people if you want.
I didn't have any chance to say anything!
****By the way, one of the text is a woman whining about him not calling her anymore, and the other one is to have a midnight rendez-vous in her hotel (which he didn't go, because he was with me on that day)
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Aw, sounds like he wants to take things further but he's worried about scaring you off.
You could try reassuring him, see what happens. Tell him you don't need to see other people maybe?
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but how? I have an IQ of 14 years old when it comes to relationship.
I was particularly uncomfortable last night because he was sending sms the whole time when we were having dinner. He asked me why I was very quiet after dinner. After a day of reflection, I told him I am sorry and I was being none-communicative.
I told him that I was uncomfortable, because I wasn't sure if I have the right to ask who is he sms to. However since we are just friends, he has right to sms anyone he wants. I shouldn't even want to inquire about it.
Really, I just hate to be in an unclear situation!!!arrrgh
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I find honesty is the best policy. If I wanted to know who he was texting, I'd just ask. I'd also be pretty pissed off if someone was texting during dinner with me. I mean, it's rude to call someone during dinner, it's rude to text.
Just wondering... do you know 'closet case' means someone who is gay and doesn't want to admit it?
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yes, I know. and I do like girls a lot.
I just don't want to be impolite, that's the reason why I didn't ask, and I learned not to ask questions that might embarrassed myself. What if he doesn't want to answer?
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If he is with you in person but sharing your company, it sounds as if he is still on the prowl, just in case someone better comes along.
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He's not serious about you and I guess you're already possessive of him....
Best to tell your feelings and then if he gets scared off, you get your answer and move on and if he doesn't then you both move ahead! Simple, isn't it??
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mmm, maybe you are right, zonked. well, I just get so used to his company, I don't want to do anything to ruin it.
It is a great feeling that after a day of hardwork, you come home to not a cold empty flat but someone to talk to. I am a wimp, i know that, but it's hard to work and live in a city you don't know well
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What did he say when you asked him abt having the right to ask who he is pm'ing?
I'm thinking he wants to keep his options open being in Shanghai it may be like a kid in a candy shop for him.
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T2: He didn't say much, he asked "so everything is ok now?" I nodded, and that's it.
JC: will try...he's taking me out for dinner tonight (weird on a Monday night)...will try to be honest
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i didn't say anything...we had a nice night out. Will leave it like that for now.
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I know I have a problem of communication but I don't know how to solve it. I tried a therapist, (very hippie and flower power), and she's not helping.
I never never talk about my childwood to anyone. as for feelings, shouldn't we keep those to ourselves?
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My boyfriend is just the same! Keeps everything to himself, doesn't express his feelings, doesn't talk things through with me. I think it's a Chinese culture thing with me. It drives me nuts. It's not healthy people! We need to express ourselves!
Lets sing together! "Express yourself! Express yourself! C'mon lets do it!"
Repressed feelings lead to underlying resentment. That's not good is it? I'm sure if half the cheating husbands told their wives what's making them miserable there wouldn't be any cheating!
Like I say, my boyfriend is the same. We had a blazing row one night - about Chinese culture funnily enough - and he stormed out the house in a fury. I went to bed. In the morning, he acted as if nothing had happened because he'd calmed down. I was left feeling confused and unsure of what was up, he's never stormed out the house before and the next morning everything was fine. I hate that! I mean it! Talk to me!
Communication is key to a strong and sucessful relationship.
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Pupalicious: I can perfectly relate to your bf. We just need some time at our own space and term to think things over.
What I don't understand is why do you still want to discuss problems that no longer seem to be a problem to him anymore? Please share your insight.
I always figure people are not interested in discuss emotions, do you prefer to have everything discussed with your bf, instead of him figuring things out himself and save you a lot of time?
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Thats the point though, closet, it is still a problem! Just because it's not making him angry anymore doesn't stop it being a problem. Let me think of an example.
The day he stormed out the house, we were arguing about him giving his mother money. We don't live with her, and we don't need to pay any bills related to her, but he still wanted to give her money every month. I understand this is a Chinese custom, but as I earn considerably more than him, I felt his finances would be better directed to helping me pay for the house we have together and saving for our wedding, than being given to his mother who can easily afford to live indepentantly from his monetary imput. He argued he wanted to be a good son, I argued that perhaps he might want to be a good boyfriend first.
Now, just because he wasn't angry about what I said doesn't mean that the issue is resolved. I wanted to come to a compromise, maybe decrease the money he wanted to give her, or give her some when he's earning more, or something like that. But he just stormed out the house, and we didn't discuss it again. When I tried to raise the point when he'd calmed down, he argued that I was trying to start a fight.
I think I like to discuss our feelings because I don't want to assume what he's feeling. If he doesn't tell me I'm pretty or I look nice today, or maybe that top doesn't go with my outfit, I will always think he thinks I'm fat, because I'm a woman and that's what women think. If he doesn't tell me he loves me, I'll assume he's stopped loving me.
I just think if you communicate, then it will help make the relationship stronger, as you both know what's going on!
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i dont understand why some girlfriends always like to control their boyfriends expenses. He is living with you and if he has taken care part of the expenses as you both have agreed earlier. Why you would bother to ask him not to give HIS $$ to his mother? He doesnt talk to you because there is no way to reach an agreement.You are thinking about your life and your wedding but dont forget that his mother has spent a lot of $$ and effort to raise your bf to be a big boy and to be able to be your bf. You are actually enjoying the effort of his mother's work.
However closetcases, I do support the idea that you need to talk to the guy. Maybe he's also interested in having an exclusive relationship with you? Talk to him and figure it out will be good to you.
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yes closetcaes, you better talk to the guy and get some confirmation. Sort the things out and you maybe happier.
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Actually, I'm paying the rent, and he aggreed to pay the bills, but because he gave money to his mother, he can't afford to pay the bills, so I had to do that too. Now is that fair? Do you see why we are arguing?
My parents also spent a lot of money raising me, but as it was their choice to have a child, I don't see why I owe them anything at all. I didn't ask to be born, they're the ones who wanted a child and knowing how expensive children are, they had me anyway. When you're born you don't sign a contract saying you'll pay back everything your parents spent on you.
I think I have every right to focus on my wedding and my life, because half of it is his and his contribution should be half. For the last couple months, his contribution was zero and I have paid for everything. I feel I am completely justified in asking for him to start making a contribution to me and to us, instead of a mother who is much MUCH richer than we are!
It is not the responsibility of one of the partnership to pay for EVERYTHING, rent furniture bills, I am the only one out of us contributing to our savings! So when we eventually buy a house, are you suggesting I should ask him to pay me rent seeing as it was my hard work that went into saving for the house? You're completely rediculous, ginghua.
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I just don't know how to raise the question! Should I sit him down and just pop the question? arrrgh I may be 32yrs old, but i feel like a teenager now
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Maybe you could just talk to him about weddings and see how he feels about them. Maybe ask him how old he wanted to be when he gets married, if he wants to get married, what he thinks of marriage in general. If he could see you being the girl he wants to marry.
It might be better to bring up the idea of marriage, before you pop the question?
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no no no, i am not going to ask him to marry me. I don't know how to say "Do you love me enough to stop fooling around with other girls?"
is this a legit question?
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You could ask him what he thinks about you two not seeing other people anymore. When my bf asked me to be exclusive, he was sobbing on my university bed, saying he didn't want me to be stolen away by Oxford toffs. I spose everyone has a different tactic.
'Do you like the idea of being exclusive with me?' would work with me. If he asks what exclusive means, you can tell him it means not seeing other people. I just feel the over all sound of, 'lets not see other people' just doesn't sound right.
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do you mean exclusivity/monogamy has nothing to do with Love? If it is not LOVE, why would one want to commit to exclusivity?
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Because they might develop it into love.
When I became exclusive with my boyfriend, I didn't love him. I had strong feelings for him, but we didn't tell each other we loved each other. It was more a matter of not wanting to share. I didn't like the idea of him being with other girls, and he didn't want to know about me with other guys.
On JC's note there, I know what he means about the Dad thing.
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thankx, JC, by the way, we do have a sexually exclusive relationship...as far as I am told..
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Depends on how far you's like to bring the relationship further. Sounds that he still wants to hang around a bit. May try to prompt him for a more stble relationship. Things gonna be clearer if you get hold of his real feeling towards you.
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You can ask him if he still feels like dating other people.
Or if its okay with him for you to date other people.
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He asked if I love him last night...i said YES, but he didn't say it back...
WHY!!!
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He asked me again last night, and I refuse to say it, and he goes like " i Know you love me, say it, say it". It's really annoying.
but I didn't have enough courage to ask him why he didn't reciprocate
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I know it perfectly that he likes me, but I am not his priority. This explains why he would go without a sms one day, and being all cuddly the next day.
If I try to fool myself, I'd say men are just like that, attention deficit problem. But if I am to be honest with myself, he's just not that into me.
really hurt.
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Is there a big age gap between you? Ask him outright who the other gf's are. You may get the answer you want, you may the get the answer you don't want to hear. In the end you will know either way, it seems like you deserve that much at least.
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no, he's only 364 days older than me.
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Hi, Have you asked him about the other gf's? What did he say? Are you from the same culture? Because different cultures are minefields! It seems to be more difficult than a same culture background !
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