Tired of relationship

I'm a male in my late 20s who went through two serious relationship but ended up being dump by both having the same reason that we are not suitable for each other. But before I introduce my stories, my current... or rather ex gf just ended our relationship few days back... I've been through a tough want before so this time round I'm standing on my feet. But just need to share my stories so that readers out there can advice me for my future.


First relationship lasted around 7 yrs (1yrs younger then me). I was simple minded and maybe I'm not suitable for her. Anyway, after we broke off, I found out that she had a boyfriend and within half a year, they are planning for wedding. I guess she is just being polite telling me that I'm a wonderful guy and wanted to end the relationship. For quite some time I'm totally lost in whatever thing I'm doing. But I'm lucky enough family & friends are around me to lend me a listening ears. I recover around a yr time.


After which I met my second gf (4yrs older then me). I have a thought that horoscope and zodia sign do come in play with compatabilites. Before we get together, I did a research and everything with her is good with me. I'm very glad (Actually I do not belief in it but just a thought during that time) that maybe this is the one for me. During dating, we found alot of similarity in our daily life. Both of us are surprise how come we are so similar with each other. We have a happy time together, sometime did argue a little. But after about a year, I feel we are draw away physically and mentally... Recently when she is back from holiday, she ask me over the phone if we are suitable for each other? I'm shock, and I ask what she mean? And what is her decision on this? I told her we can create spark in our love life but her ans to me is... :( I know that this is the end, I promise her I'll respect her decision but we'r still good friends. i've already tried to explain to her about our relationship, but after we've talk over it, she told me before that she was angry with herself how come she can't withstand the test of love in our relationship, but after we have talk, she say she know the ans. She told me that she does not love me anymore and that explain it. I'm very say but I told myself if this is the case, I rather let her go... find her own happiness and maybe if we are destine to be together, God will bring us back together. If not we'll find our partner for the rest of our life. I've tried and that is her ans... so I guess I have to learn to let go and move on...


I have a question to ask hope that reader can enlighten me on my thought.

In a relationship, I never thought of betraying my partner. Reason being is, why should I hurt the one I love since I love her. That bring me to another point.

I've read some thread during marriage, some couple divorce or broke off and I belief there's a reason. In general... financial, stress, etc etc... There is one thing I'm confuse. How can a person determine if he/she is the right partners? Did God write on their forhead saying they are yours? So I'm thinking alot of thing revolves in loving a person. There will be times during marriage or courtship where frame is getting dimmer. As I mentioned before, there are lots of reason for frame to go dim. But I feel it's both party responsibilities to get it burning again. How you may ask... I'm not professional (if I am i won't be writing now) in it but this is my thought... communication, doing things together, learning to accept, learn to forgive... ect... It's easy to say then done, I agree in this as well... But I'll say time will tell if problem is being discuss openly and mutual understanding is being respect. My 2nd gf told me she had been thinking for quite some time and have tried numerous time but fail. I'm sad to heard that cos I've not notice it's a sign for her to make a decision herself sometimes ago. I've only learn that after we broke off. And now I'm alone again searching for the love of my life. I guess I have to learn a lesson to understanding what girls want and how to become a good bf or husband. I keep on thinking I lack of something or what I've perform as a couple is not correct. That's why both left me.


Pls enlighten me... I know failure is a learning progress and I'm learning... But somtimes I hope that I do not need to go through it again in the future.


I'm very tired now... I've decided to start all over again and move on... but I'm tired...

probably you are not interesting enough and don't know how to make them happy

it's simple ... u don't and can't offer much


and for a guy you talk so much !

i am not sure how tulip and honkie can come to such a conclusion. there is nothing above which says that he is and interesting or not interesting guy. so how can you tell?

Honkie and Tulip - why on earth would you post such things here? Someone has come here for help (which is why this forum exists) and on the basis of a few paragraphs, you come to a (very negative) conclusion about the character of someone that you don't know and you put them down at a time when they are in pain? Why would you do that? Do you think it's fun to hurt people?


Strongboy - please ignore the last 2 postings - no one has the right to judge you like that

I'm very sorry that you're hurting so much - any relationship is difficult to get over but it's a lot harder when the relationship is longterm or you haven't been able to tell that the break up is imminent... we always start to question ourselves and say that "there must be something wrong with me"


but let's face it - if there was something wrong with you, the relationships would have lasted weeks, not years...


we grow and change a lot in our 20s - it really isn't until our 30s nowadays that we have a better sense of who we are and what we want... so maybe you and your girlfriends were great when you started, but have simply grown apart?


it's not always easy to know when you've met the right one - nor do they come along according to your timetable.. all you can do, is carry on with your life, you will meet people along the way, some will stay in your life and some will move on... at some point you will find someone that you want to be with - if she wants to be with you and you both want to make it work, then you will...


be patient - with yourself and with the girls you date - they're not perfect and they're struggling themselves...


allow yourself time to grieve and heal from this relationship before you try dating again... it will get better


best of luck

Honkie, Tulip, you two are shallow people with pathetic advice.


Strongboy - you sound totally fine to me. You don't need advice from anyone. You sound like a perfectly balanced individual, doing a bit of over-analysis which is normally in the wake of a broken relationship.


It's true that if someone doesn't love you in return, it's best to let them go. But that doesn't mean that one day you won't find the right person for you.


I remember reading this article a few weeks back in the South China Morning Post which was discussing about how to know if someone is the right one for you to marry... it was just saying sensible things about "talking" about everything - goals, future, how many kids you want, what you want out of life etc... to see if you match up. The article was basically talking about how some people get caught up in love and marry too soon without talking about whether or not they have the same goals.


Anyway, you're still young, you have plenty of time ahead and it seems like you are going about things the right way. You've had two solid relationships that have ended - no big deal, go out and have fun and you'll eventually meet someone else.


Enjoy!

I think you have had some good advice there, Strongboy.


Maybe taking a break from relationships for the time being is the way for you to go, A bit of self-analysis after a relationship can be a good thing but don't overdo it. It is understandable and I think healthy that you need to grieve. Depression is not something we can simply turn on a nd of like a tap - it is too complicated and maybe the least understood of all human illnesses as it manifests itself in so many different ways and is often undiagnosed.


You are only in your late 20s so really there is no need to rush in again. Enjoy life and have fun. As others have said - you will eventually meet someone else. Only you will know when the time is right.


Personally, I don't think anyone in particular is the 'right' one. I think there are certain personality types with whom different people are suited. The trick is to find these personality types to whom we are suited. You had a couple of fairly long relationships there so you must be doing something right!


Take it easy and relax and good luck!

Strongboy, congratulations on sustaining two relationships in your life! Many people don't even achieve this! 7 years and 4 years are quite big achievements. I know many couples who marry after a whirlwind romance and don't last 12 months. I agree with previous posts that today it is very difficult to sustain a relationship but the fact that two relationships did not work out should not stop you trying again. The search for a partner is sometimes difficult but I think that every day brings new hope and when you do find your perfect match the past two relationships will have taught you valuable lessons. Good luck and don't give up.

Strongboy,

I see two sides of your story. First start from the side of your exes. Maybe they are just not as completely committed as you thought they are. They may have waited a long time for you to turn into the ideal life partner they want to have and then something just didn’t happen. I will doubt that something is you as a person. Maybe some outside reasons that is hard for them to admit to, for example finance. Nowadays women want a lot from men: nice, honest, loyal, interesting, good-looking, good job, financial security… and compatibility is just one of that.

Then it is your side of the coin. I guess you may be raised in a good family that your parents have that ideal kind of relationship. So that kind of loving and committing quality you always project into your relationship and when it doesn’t reflect back, you are lost. It is painful to know the world is not the way we thought it was. But don’t give up. Like other said, men that still believe in love and commitment and loyalty are rare these days. I am sure one day when you find that special someone to have a family; your marriage will have a better chance of succeed than those only cares about what they can get out of others.

Now the question is how do we know she is the one? Didn’t all the relationships start with that special someone in the special moment? Hmmm, it is a question only you and your life ahead can give a good answer. Just think about how many women you will meet in your life time (you only lived a third of it) and only one will be the one. Don’t you think you need to give yourself sometime to fully experience life and women first? Your time you spent with those women is not a lost but a gain of experience, don’t you think? Maybe you shall thank God that you have not given your life-commitment in front of him to the wrong one yet. Plus, there are a lot more to life than just love affairs. Maybe it is time to do those things and enjoy the endless possibilities of not committing to anybody for now.

Thank for all the post... you people have really given me lots of mental support. And yes... this is what I need most now. To be honest, when i read those tread about after marriage which they had problem and also experiences from my friends which they share with me, I felt so small... I understand that i might feel down at the situation I had at the moment, but there are lots of people encounter problem which is thousand times worst then me and you. Well that is life I guess... You fall, you learn and you move on much more stronger :)


As what Slammy have said... yes I'm ok and I promise myself to move on with a strong heart given an expiry date to grieve a bit. After which I'll equip with more life experience for my future.


Once again I sincerely thank everyone for the support :)

Veronica & Flashback... I really appreciate as both of you have given me an education trip on relationship or rather what they need, especially from people who have gone through the process. I'm not sure if I lack of that, but I'll keep that in mind and make sure I'll further improve on it.


Veronica - I guess it's a very tough choice for you to make that decision during your time. It takes hell lot of courage to do that for sure... As what people always say... you live your life once and you got to take charge of it. Only when you love yourself, then you will know how to love others.


Flashback - I like your last sentense... Yes... for the last relationship, I should be glad she is doing me a favour... You know what... we ended up in a amicable way and both of us are doing well now. This is what I really appreciate after all this.


Well... I'm very glad now as I have "mentors" who share their view with me. This is the first time I'm using forum and it really prove to be a good place to be... Keep on coming as I wanted to know more...


You people are great!!! Really... Thank you :)

i think that in today's environment, especially if u live in a big city...things and people change. not necessarily in a bad way tho...


u said u're in ur late 20s so u must had your 7 yr relationship in your teens with the girl younger than you. 7 years is a long time and especially for the teen to adult period. you two are probably changing your status from student to working class, and that transition is huge. you are expose to a while different world and people react to that differently. I agree that veronica and flashback said that maybe your gf didnt feel you love cuz u might not be showing. I think it could be that you both have changed and she doesnt feel like you are the kind of man she wants to spend the rest of her life with anymore. what a girl like and want in her student year and work life can be different. that might explain why she got married to someone not long after you two break up. (that could also explain why your 2nd gf ask you if u two are suitable after her vacation)

It doesnt mean that you did something wrong, i think it just mean that they are not the right girl for you anymore and its time to move on. dont feel too bad about being dumped, I'm sure u've had good memories with them, and you're still young. its only a matter of time(and luck) that you find someone who will change in the same pase that you do.


good luck and in the mean time, take some of the above advices, a girl will always like when her man shows her his love :)

its simple...couples are made in heaven..its all about luck....don't worry..u will get your soul mate..just don't get tired...you deserve another chance...

go on...i'm with you...

I also agree with Veronica. I'm in my late 20's, have gone thru quite a few relationships with the guys always breaking up with me. I kept wondering what was wrong with me. Finally, in my last relationship, I broke up with my ex-bf. I struggled with the decision but he didn't show his love for me. No presents on Valentine's day, forgot my birthday and never called me or tried to put any effort. I still tried to stay in the relationship because I didn't want a break up. Then, I read this book "How to tell if you are really in love?". It says, don't ask what the definition of love is, or if you are in love. Only ask yourself if the love you are RECEIVING is the love that you want. If you are NOT RECEIVING love from her now, then you deserve better. I'm talking about NOW, not the past or what you hope will be. I understand what you are going through but pls remind yourself every day that there is someone out there who will love you and who will commit to you. She is your future.

It's been almost a mth now... after reading through all the post I came to realise that I've not really been a attentive and caring guy. I dunno... just a feeling that I had. Use to work be a workaholic I'll say... ya... I'm glad that I realise this is one of a point that I lack of... Remember my ex always tell me to take care of myself... I guess I have to learn to find the balance in both... Anyway... It's all over and i'm starting anew... hope I can learn from the past experience and don't committe the same old mistake again...


Just came back from holiday and feeling alittle bit refresh... Got to keep myself busy :)

so we come full circle back to honkie and tulip's comments...

I wouldn be too worried or negative about it...your still young...just that wrong person at the wrong time. How you broke it off wasnt that bad and not that hurtful at least you can still be in good terms with your ex's.


I too have only just got out of a relationship for 4 years and it was because i caught my bf in bed with another girl. The time before that was similar experiance(betrayal) and for the same length as your first r/s. Both r/s i believed i did all that i can for.


At least now you know theres something you can work on...theres more to life than love....look at all the ppl around you that care about you

Lots of HK girls i met dun like the guy to talkk about anything serious etc - they just want to take it easy ... pretty funny how big city girls have the island mentality ... then again - those

Strongboy,

Our world today is such an unnavigable jungle!No matter how we scatter thrillions of satellites above our head to listen and spy for us into the nooks and crannies of our human nature or to guide us along the curves and straight lines of our path in life,there will always be corners that will be overlooked. No matter how we illuminate the whole city we live in so we can see around clearly,still, some can not see.It seems that because we are living in a highly technologicalized age that we can analized everything bad that happens to us? I dare say,you pose for a moment and just be yourself for a while and start learning accepting who you are.Some say that if you really love the person then you learn to let go of her freely.of course it does hurt,but that's natural,time is always around to lend us room for our recuperation,I'm sure. Meantime just have a good time being alone its priceless !

It pays to be a little bad and naughty boy. Don't get misled by age, that's not the cause. it is more a problem with EXPECTATION. I quote from your say: ".. communication, doing things together, learning to accept, learn to forgive... problem is being discuss openly and mutual understanding is being respect."<-- These are qualities found in OLD COUPLE,FATHER, TEACHER,COLLEAUES. and worse of all TOO MUCH TALKING/too good. U need to listen to Girlfriends, they all look for romance and best your kisses and caress during courtship/dating, need u to show sincerity for serious commitment for a future (a career) plus, you can't expect both MUTUAL responsiblities during this stage. YES, it's a waste of time but there is NO FAIRNESS/EQUALITY IN REALITY. Focus on your career, put her as secondary, u can't expect much from girls cuz we are as selfish as bad guys. so u DON'T need to be too nice to us, just let it pass by. You need to gain more Power! over your gf b4 gaining her heart. Dont get yourself hurt.