What to do when husband is drinking...

WAY too much in my opinion? But he's never DRUNK, but he can drink ALOT, hard core liquor, not just beer or red wine. He drinks so much that all his friends or colleagues will be all out cold and throwing up, and all zonked, but he can still drink some more.


I find myself nagging ang nagging, but he says it's part of the social requirement in business socializing. It's like that OUT there.


I don't drink at all, and I am not in the "real working" world, so I don't understand ?


It pains me so much to watch him drink like that. When he asks me to go along, I regret it each time when I do. But if I don't, I never see the real side of him.


His colleagues and friends tell me "he's not drinking THAT much." It's ok.....


It's NOT ok in my eyes....


I feel so trapped, and upset, I can't desribe it.


It seems like I am so "uncool" when I walk into these bars, and pubs, and btw, I also hate second hand smoking when I am in these places.


He is a wonderful husband, and I know he is not cheating on me, it's just this problem. Some times for business, say he has overseas clients visiting, he will stay out drinking until 3-4am !


Is this normal in a high stress industry?

Yes, it is normal in a lot of industries. Not very healthy, but normal.

Drinking until others pass out or throw up is not "normal". Neither is drinking with clients until 3 or 4 am.


It sounds to me as though the man has a drinking problem. How old is he? Does he have regular health checks?


My suggestion would be to gently ask him, at an appropriate time (i.e. not when he is drinking, and not when you are worked up about it - but a time when you are both relaxed and able to communicate lovingly and openly) to please have a full medical. He is obviously drinking far in excess of medical guidelines for safe consumption of alcohol. That can lead to serious health consequences.


All rational human beings can make choices, one choice is not to engage in risky behaviour. Drinking to excess is risky behaviour.


Believe it or not, teetotallers can be successful in business. There are lots of ways to entertain others and yourself that do not rely on the excessive consumption of alcohol.


By the way, I drink alcohol, probably a bit over the guidelines myself - but I am retired, get lots of exercise, eat heaps of good things (fruit, vegetables, mono-saturated fats, fish, etc etc). I am definitely not a wowser.

He just have high level of alcohol tolerance. It will catch up with him in time, healthwise, and then affect his relationships.


Woods99 advise was I think very good. However, if he's already an alcoholic he will need professional help to quit if he so desires.

As somebody who will admit to having a drink problem in the past (bottle of Pernod before going out, then 5-6 beers, then large brandies until intoxicated, every night).


Hard liquor verses beer, does make a difference. Not just your health, but also your psychology.

Beer just 'won't hit the spot', so to speak.


Unless your husband sees he is drinking too much, or acknowleges your discomfort and changes his habits for you, there is no solution. And you are right nagging won't work. As has been suggested, pick you moment and show your loving concern.


Avoid using terms like alcoholic, they are loaded with baggage and are to many people unhelpful. Drinking is a 'learned behaviour' and I learned to drink less. For me, I still feel a need to get drunk sometimes but now only about once a month. Still not healthy, but a big improvement.


There are long term health risks, but we tend to ignore the long term this is human nature.

I sympathise with you. I have a husband who was like that. Thank goodness he isn't now. It is a long journey from then till now. He has to admit he has a problem and seek help. meanwhile all that you said may not make sense to him. perhaps you can ask his good , well meaning, sensible friends to talk to him when he is sober. You just have to continue to be loving and bearing with him. He probably has other problems and drinking is a way out. It could be an acquired habit over time or a self esteem problem. Try alcoholic anon . Go to church. talk to a counsellor. Persevere- he wil come around one day if he loves you.

Firstly, if he's doing it often or if he always drinks a lot when he drinks, then you need to tackle this as an alcoholic problem. The fact that he does not throw up or behave badly does not mean he's not drunk. The sooner you tackle it and the more directly you tackle it the better. Don't try to rationalise it with "it's normal" and "high stress industry". What you have described it definitely not normal.


Alcoholism never starts out just as a physical dependancy. He possibly feels socially inadequate in groups and therefore drinks to loosen up or to gain courage. Try to analyse and understand what the underlying issue is and deal with that/those.


In the alternative, ask him to organise the get-together at a restaurant rather than a bar. He and his muckers are less likely to drink to extremes then. There will be less focus on the drinking, so you will feel less out of place ... and of course no smoking.


The notion that excessive drinking is necessary for business is rubbish. The occasional drink or two with a client may lubricate a relationship, but it's not essential. Less and less business is done this way, and in some larger firms it's discouraged for compliance reasons. In most cases, the higher the intrinsic industry stress, the less likely this type of socialising is requried, so it is definitely not the norm.


Either way, you need to sit him down and have a stern and serious talk with him before it gets worse and worse. I've had personal experience with several cases like this and the slope is steep. The longer you leave it the deeper he gets into the hole and the harder it is for him and you and your family to get out.

thank you to all for your advice. I will definitely do something about it. I get the "key" that everyone is saying to me... " lovingly, and find the RIGHT moment to talk to him about it. " I always nag at him during his act, and AFTER too.... which hasn't been working very well. Will try otherwise now.

Thanks. Wish me luck.

I am sure that I am not the only alcoholic reading this board. For those of you who do not suffer from alcoholism, maybe I can contribute some new information:


* Perhaps 5 to 10 per cent of the population has a genetic predisposition to suffer from addiction.


* This predisposition can manifest itself in a wide variety of ways: booze, drugs, food, etc. It's strongly genetically linked: if one parent has an addiction, the kids have a 25 per cent chance of having one. If both parents have it, the kids have a greater than 50 per cent chance of problems.


* Alcoholism is strongly linked with a psychological need to over-achieve. That's why alcoholics have a greater-than-average chance of achieving greatness in society: in sport, in business, and in Seat 0A ...


* We alcoholics have a saying: "A social drinker drinker stops at three drinks because they don't like the feeling more would give them. A problem drinker drinks so much it becomes a problem to other people. An alcoholic drinks so much it becomes a problem to HIMSELF."


* An alcoholic does not drink because he or she likes the taste, or because they're thirsty. We drink because every fibre of our being tells us that we MUST. Yes, we're wrong, but we don't know that: a bit like ignoring what the instruments are telling you because the seat of your pants disagrees.


* A social drinker or a problem drinker can say "OK, I am flying in a couple of days, I can't drink." An alcoholic can't do that. By the time the disease has progressed to the point where airport security can pick it up, the alcoholic must have alcohol or he will get very sick indeed.


* You can not frighten an alcoholic into not drinking. We drink because we are already too frightened not to drink. More sanctions, more penalties, more detection -- this just makes alcoholism worse.


* The only "cure" is "Don't drink. At all. Ever." I have not had a drink since 2000: not even the smell of a cork. Of course, this doesn't cure the disease of alcoholism, it simply prevents its more unpleasant symptoms (e.g. unemployment...) from appearing. Any alcoholic will tell you they would rather shoot themselves than take that 'cure' (and many do...).


* Some of the people reading this may have this problem right now. Alcohol is the greatest solvent known: it disolves cars, houses, marriages, parental rights, careers -- and pilots licences.


* Yes, it will keep happening as long as they keep making human beings. And alcoholism is more common amongst people with the ability to become pilots, lawyers, doctors, hoteliers etc than it is in the general population.


If you are sitting there now, scared -- really scared -- that it just won't stop, and you can't find a way out: PM me.


If you find yourself delaying the trip home because you can't face the look in your wife's eyes: I know that look. If you are avoiding that look on your children's faces too: well, how bad does it have to get? If you go to work each day with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that "any day now, they're going to catch me" -- well, I know that feeling too.


If you don't know what to do: PM me. If you're frightened, and you're serious about it, I can tell you what I did. Worked for me...

Hell, in this economy, if he's NOT drinking, then he's just not paying attention.

It's a horrible work situation out there, and it's a horrible life out inside too, so pass the bourbon around, I'll take another heaping swallow.

thanks all for your replies again.

Flashback, my husband is in his mid 30s, husband basically does drink every night, sometimes 1-2 beers, lately likes hard liquor more, and red wine is favorite.

He was not like this, just in the last 2 years because of doing business internationally and highly stressed out.

We spend LOTS of time together, we go out, and this week, he has started drinking much less.

Tonight, 1 beer.

Last night, no alcohol at all even at dinner.

He is listening, no I don't think he's an alcoholic, but he does LIKE drinking. He is showing me he can stop, and can control himself.

Crossing my fingers.

Momoftwo,


I like drinking, too. Some of us are able to drink a bit too much without it affecting our health, and our relationships.


However, I know couples who have split up because the husband just drank too much - whether or not he is or was an alcoholic is beside the point.


Again, I would suggest that your husband be encouraged to have an annual medical check-up by a reputable clinic.


Incidentally, I have found that one good tactic is to have two AFDs a week - invariably Mondays and Tuesdays. Drinking every day, even one drink, does not allow one's liver to recuperate - two days in a row and the liver can recover a bit.


Anyway, good luck to you and your hubby and kids. Hong Kong is a very stressful place, workwise (and homewise sometimes) and at the same time it is a place where it is easy to go too far.


Getting some physical exercise is another good tactic - regular exercise makes us feel better, improves our health, and it is not much fun to do it if we are nursing a hang-over.

Drinking in HK can be quite a "suck in".


Work stress and/or social pressure can be quite difficult. Yes, it is reasonably normal, but not everyone does it.


Even if going drinkng for the "right reasons" (client, business), it really must be kept in check or it can be a slippery slope.


It sounds like the relationship is fine, so you are 90% there already (you are very fortunate).


How may times per week? Is it mid-week when he has to then get up and go to work?


Not everyone will become an alcholic, but please do heed Paneristi's posts. Many sucessful people are predisposed to alcholism and it is never a problem until they get into the "lifestyle" and HK has that here in abundance. It is not so much the frequency or necessarily the volume, but rather the causes/triggers. some people who partied very hard when younger and never developed a drinking problem (think they never could) then, when encountered with REAL LIFE stress and responsibilities in later life, coupled with a drinking culture at work, can slip into it unexpectedly.


NEVER nag about his drinking (or anything for that matter!) especially at the time. It sounds like he is swinging back, so be gentle, but keep an eye on it and monitor, but dont become obsessive or you'll just worry yourself sick. Probably as you dont drink and arent there, it seem may seem worse to you anyhow, but just be mindful regardless

A really good post by Maxis. It is not only men who are at risk from alcohol in Hong Kong. Quite a few years ago, admittedly, RTHK did a programme on the problems of alcoholic women amongst the expat community. Maybe things have changed now, but in those days there were a lot of women whose husbands worked and probably played hard, and they had several domestic servants to do all the menial stuff. Which left the wives severely under-employed.


So some of them turned to drink. There were some absolutely scarifying stories, women passing out during the afternoon, soiling their pants, the whole thing.


Drink is a good servant, but a horrible master.

within the east asian culture, drinking is a big part of 'business'.


some cultures will frown upon people if you don't drink with the others, whereas if you have a valid reason 'health conditions' e.t.c. and can't drink they won't look poorly on u.


i guess the best solution is to sit down and talk with your husband and convey your concerns about his 'excessive' drinking u perceive and ask him to 'cut down' a little. or drink slowly.


otherwise make sure he stays fit and give him plenty of liquids / food for when he DOES need to go drinking again.

I think your husband does have a problem but I think you are getting some great advice on this thread.


I agree that nagging will not achieve much, I have a husband who is very similar, we have been married for 7 years and the bad drinking happens when work is not going well and then stops again when all is good.


Talking about it generally does not help, but I think whilst you hang in there you should pick a time to be firm and tell him that you want him to look after himself, tell him to eat heathily, go to the gym and drink plenty of water to counterbalance what he is doing to himself in the evenings. If he doesn't do any exercise then I would suggest that he has a bigger problem, because he is just not healthy at all and needs a serious reality check in terms of where he is headed, otherwise within 5 years he will have to make some serious lifetstyle checks.


I see both sides of the coin here, I am a mother of two very young children who drinks but not to excess, I like to party but I hate to see my husband drink ridiculous amounts. I am stuck looking after the kids and have the mundane stresses of a life at home. I also see that my husband has so much on his shoulders at the moment and sympathise with his situation - he is the bread winner and has to bring home a salary whilst dealing with all the muppets at work.... It is a very stressful time out there, but you yourself are the only one to gauge how much you can take before you think your husband is making a serious mistake.


Be strong, wait it out if you can, but if you can manage to get your point across it will work... My husband now exercises every day and drinks a lot less. Thinking of you xxx

Monooftwo,


What industry are you refering to as high stress industry?

Dear Momoftwo,


Get a book called "Seven Weeks to Sobriety" by someone called Joan Larson (I think - don't have it with me now).


After her teenage alcoholic son killed himself after a forced spell in rehab, she checked the relapse stats of traditional rehab methods ('head talk' as she calls it) and decided that wasn't good enough. She read a lot of research papers and formulated her own (nutrition-based) program, based on replenishing the nutrients that alcohol destroys. I've only just started reading this book as part of my course but it really is fascinating and puts a completely different spin on it.


Her perspective is similar to one of the early posts: some people have a genetic propensity towards alcohol addiction (or sugar addiction etc. etc.), and once this is triggered the need to drink overwhelms all logic. Once people understand that, they don't feel guilt about their disease as they look at it from a biochemical perspective. Then it is not just about 'willpower' (which usually only has around a 1% success rate if you are talking about dieting and willpower, to draw a comparison)


She reckons the traditional view is that people say they drink because they are depressed - but one of alcohol's effects is that it can depress you - so it becomes a vicious circle. (Her book is a lot more elegant than my paraphrasing!)


I don't know how you could present this to your husband but perhaps if you read the book yourself first it might give you a different perspective.


Alcohol is a tricky one - it can be so damaging, but as it is easy (and often legitimate) to explain a certain amount as part of a 'normal' working or social life, people can go a long way down that slippery slope before it might become an undeniable problem. If I were drinking 'a lot' and someone thought it was 'too much' and told me so - I would probably get really annoyed with them and tell them to mind their own business. It's really hard to know how to broach the subject without getting the person's back up and making them more likely to reject your 'help'.


There are lots of nutritional supplements that can help, even if just for liver support (they will be listed in the book), but look for information on 'milk thistle' (to help the liver's health) or 'L-glutamine' (apparently used to reduce alcohol / carbohydrate cravings). I'm not a doctor but it's worth doing some looking around for supplements that might be able to help with the physical effects of boozing on the body - there are loads.


Stress is the one thing that can keep people falling off whatever wagon they're on, so I think the suggestions of exercise or family nights out sound great - whatever quality time you can get (as a family and as individuals), spent doing things you enjoy. I read a great analogy about stress being like a rollercoaster. Some people feel awful on it, some people don't - the ride is exactly the same but it's how you deal with it that counts.


Good luck and I hope you, your husband and your kids can all feel some improvement soon.


(soon to be based in HK!)

As someone who has had a self-admitted alcohol problem that cost me my first marriage. I would suggest that there will never be any chance of helping him unless he sees it as a problem himself. Also from what I have learned 99% of the time alcohol addiction is not "Chemical" ie something that biologically he cannot control. It has to do with the emotional/mental reason he is drinking. If he can identify that then he can overcome it. I went through the AA program, which I found interesting but I came out thinking that these people have just traded one addiction (Alcohol) for another (AA). I went through a stage of not drinking at all for 6 months and then started to introduce one or two social drinks from time to time. I am now a 2 drink maximum and don't really enjoy to "over do it" as I just cannot handle it any more.


FYI apart from my Life, my Health also suffered significantly. I can remember a time 4-5 years ago I could drink 4-5 bottles of wine a night or a bottle of Gin or an uncountable number of beers and with a little water mixed in I would wake up fine with no hang-over. Over time my memory started to suffer, I would blackout or do things I would never dream of when I was sober and not remember anything the next day. I even recall going to the 7's one year and not remembering anything that day after about 11am, only to wake up Sunday morning tucked in Bed, after having somehow spending the whole day at the rugby, travelled home, including ferry and driving my golf cart to the house, all while having no memory. I became a danger to myself and others. If he is not having memory and health side effects now, he will I promise you.


The good news is the liver is very forgiving and I am now very healthy, and fit. I decided to change and dropped 20 Kgs, eat healthy, run every day and am much happier. If I ever start to feel the urge to drink too much I start to self-examine and determine why. Then I stop and deal with the real problem.


I wish you luck and I hope you stand by him and help. Speak with him about your concerns, ask him to see a counsellor together with you. Tell him you will schedule and show up even if he doesn’t. (BTW I have a great person I saw who was amazing – e-mail me direct if you want a contact). My wife just gave up, lost interest in me and had an affair. Even though we have both moved on now I think we both know that if we had both tried harder we could have avoided a lot of hurt in on lives and the lives of our children...

HKFORLIFE, I'm glad you've got your life back on track. Out of pure curiosity, I wanted to ask you if you'd given up alcohol completely or do you just keep it to a minimum these days?


Thanks for sharing your story. This is a very interesting thread to a lot of readers, I'm sure...

zalca, I still drink from time to time. But I keep it to a minimum. Unfortunately people like me will always have the tendency to slip back into the danger zone as that was the way I dealt with stress, pain, depression. If I can find more "productive" ways to deal with those emotions that we all face then I won't have a problem with drinking. Having a glass or two of wine with dinner once a week is no problem at all. But I have to admit that if work pressures and life start to stack up I am still tempted to drink a little too much. What I have to do is be aware of that feeling, recognise it and deal with it in a pre-defined way.


For me complete abstinence would not have cured my issues. I needed to learn new and more productive ways of dealing with life’s issues or if it wasn't drinking it would have been some other destructive habit...