Dilemma - need advice!

Hi Everyone

Sorry but this is a long one ...


I met a Chinese guy 2 years ago in England and fell in love with him. He had to return home so I gave up my career and family to move to China to be with him. As we were planning to get married and buy an apartment we have been living with his parents. They have been very good but I can't say that it has been easy. I wanted to move out to have more freedom (from his mother - who can be quite domineering and overly bossy when it comes to her son). She is always telling him what to do even though he is 28 years old - she treats him like a kid. I admire that he really respects his mum but he is so afraid to disappoint her (as we had planned renting a place together) that he never stands up to her. I find it ridiculous that a 28 year old man is afraid to talk to his mother about moving out with his fiance - like as if he needs permission! She can be very childish if he/me do something she doesn't approve of (little things) and refuses to speak to either of us if she doesn't get her way. So you can imagine if he asked her if he could move out what she would be like - its complete emotional blackmail.


Then last year I went to my boyfriends office (to speak to his boss about a freelance job) and it was one of the staff's birthday - I was asked to stay and have some cake etc. This really pretty but big headed co-worker was flirting openly with my bf in front of me - they were standing arms touching beside each other and laughing together while I (not knowing anyone and feeling pretty uncomfortable) stood on the other side - my bf completely ignored me and continued to flirt with this girl. I felt humiliated by his lack of respect for me and his attention to her. They didn't talk to any other staff at the gathering just each other and I felt completely alone. I made an excuse and left angry - he came after me and asked what was wrong and when I told him he was out of order he got angry with me saying I was being stupid and jealous. Since this time and the obvious fact that when I would go to his office she was always hovering around him and he couldn't stop looking at her (she didn't care that I'm was there - like she got even more pleasure from seeing me watch him oogle her). She has since left that office .. but now I have lost confidence and trust in him.


Also over the last 6 months he doesn't want to go anywhere with me or do anything together ... just stay at home and play computer games all night or watch football. I always go out alone, whether its to the park, the shops, meeting friends - he has become so lazy and inattentive. He gets angry with me for stupid little things but amazingly enough he still wants to marry me!! When I told him that I didn't want to get married anymore because we so obviously have BIG PROBLEMS in our relationship - he gets angry and says 'when we get married we can sort them out!!' THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD! Now I can see that he has become like his mother - he ignores me for a day or two if I say something he doesn't like.


On the other hand - 3 months ago he took a cut in pay and asked to be demoted at work so that he could spend more time at home because he was always travelling. I know he did this for me (he didn't tell his mother because she would have gone crazy). Our wedding was planned for next month (we're going back to the UK to live - as my Dad is living alone)and so without telling anyone he quit his job 2 weeks ago - he said he wanted for us to have time to make plans and do some travelling first. When his mother found out she went absolutely crazy and hasn't talked to us since. Then last night she said to me 'he's not my son anymore - hurry up and get married and move to England and don't come back! You're (us) giving me health problems - the sooner you both leave the better!!' I was so upset and angry too. I mean he had to quit soon anyway - but her reaction was as if we'd murdered someone - talk about over-reacting and tantrums. I don't see what the problem is really!


Anyway the situation now is I feel between his mother's emotional blackmail and his constant pc gaming/inattentiveness or lack of communication that I am walking on eggshells. I'm terrified of getting married now and fell like I want to run a mile - but at the same time I feel his behaviour may be the direct result of his mother and his excapism/laziness a result of depression on his part. I just don't know what to do - should I leave or should I hang in there until we both move away (maybe he just needs professional help and my support)? PLEASE GIVE ME SOME OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE.

Thanks

I argeed with Rouge here. Run and thats all I could say. He is not the right man for you to spend with for the rest of your life. Look for another man in your life. I am male here and its not right thing to do to a woman he love and cherish! I would cherish this kind of relationship but no chance till now. Good luck to me ! Cheers

When one is alone in a foreign land, it's often loneliness and insecurity that leads to a relationship. once he/she is back on home ground, it puts things back in perspective. especially when lifetstyle is a lot more colourful back at home compared to england, temptation increases respectively. many of my friends who are such loving couple in europe, upon returning to asia, have split up. so isobel, ask yourself, if his mother is out of the picture, is he still the same man you met 2 years ago?

Think again WHY you are marrying him in the first place. Things are not likely to change when you do get married.

Maybe its difficult for him to let go of his mum and that's the reason for his behaviour. He is trying though. Don't rush into marriage. First move to UK and see how things go between you. Give him a break to think and work out what he wants. You have to discuss his behaviour and also the situation with the office colleague. Nothing will sort out after marriage. Only get married if you are absolutely sure and without doubts.

sounds like you are with a mum's boy... are you sure you want someone without independant thinking for you life? break a merriage is much more than to break a relationship. why don't you give yourself some time, delay it, think over and find some reading on healthy relationship.

I relate totally to what it is like for you in China (I am foreign) and with the mum (my husband in Chinese and his mum is a tyrant, and just as childish as your bf's).


BUT - a big but - when it got bad with his mum, he would always let me know "if you have had enough, we will move out tomorrow, I don't care" - by always letting me know I had the choice, I could handle it (I am a big softy and in the end see th benefits for everyone). He always put our relationship first.


Just look at your relationship, and more importantly yourself and what you want. If you need a breather, you need a breather.


I am pretty sure his mum can smell your feelings have shifted and is putting this extra pressure of "go and take him with you" as her way to rectify the damage she has caused - subconscious maybe, but they are quite clever these Chinese mothers. So pay her no heed whatsoever.

Chinse mothers are like Italian mothers...no difference....and no difference in their men. They use all this emotional blackmail, but what it is, without breaking ties, you have to find a very clever way of telling them it does not work. Telling them it does not work point bank does not work as that is the way they operate culturally. Try to work it with minimal confrontation.


For example if your mother tells you (or your mother in law as the case may be) you cannot cook calmly say to her, it is not that I cannot cook, it is just that I have never invited you over for dinner (an example that has worked for me - depending on the delivery - never be hostile). Two things could stand here - one - you have never invited her over for dinner because of practical reasons - the second of course is that because she behaves the way she does she is never welcome. But she wil never know which one. Wonder she may, but if you say it with all nicety, wonder she may for as long as she wants; everyone else will think you are just nice.


What I am trying to say by this is sometimes being nice, and seeming to act within the guidelines, and doing things that she knows are not within what she has demanded but cannot quite put a finger on what has happened, leaves her with little control, things are wrapped under niceness, and there is not so much friction. Good for all three parties to some degree.


Of course this does not solve everything, but at least for the time being it puts you in a definite position of "I am not a doormat, but neither am I disrespectful".


Your mother in law will eventually love you, and your husband admire you for being able to skilfully keep the peace.



Believe me....I have an Italian mother, and have lived in Chinese culture for so long....I know these things.


But at least my mother this time...bent over and very old, shrunk about a foot since I last saw her, and is shorter than I ever have known her, dressed up in her best and was pleased to see me, and prepared a banquet.


It touched me the effort she went to in her old arthritic pain - and my father as ill as he is - the same.


While I never confronted her directly - she understood with everything she tried to put me through that I was no doormat - she still tries, but she has a certain respect for me BECAUSE she still in her old arthritic state tries to control EVERYONE!


Bless her soul.

Thanks everyone for your replies.


Firstly, his parents know that we are only moving to the UK for a few years and then returning to China. (My father is quite old and I have brothers and sisters who are there for him, however I want to be around for him - it was the best solution as my bf's parents are in their early 50s. They completely understood this and his mother even agreed that it was a good solution). So this is not the problem. We are both compromising for both our parents wellbeing.

The problem was when he quit his job early - she then blew a gasket for some wierd reason. I have always understood that he is an only child and would never dream of taking him away from his family for long term.


I think the problem is I have been too accommodating with her wishes to date. We always go to family dinner etc and spend Chinese New Year with his family ... this year for example on CNY after 3 days of dinners I wanted to take a break and get away for a day or two (We haven't had any holiday in all the time we've been here) and his mother got angry because she said she would lose face if we didn't go to the 4th dinner!! I mean we need some private time away but she doesn't understand this at all.


Anyway I love my boyfriend, he's has a good heart and I know he's under pressure from his mum - this is what's depressing him. However, he always seems to put her before our relationship. I have made sacrifices for him and he has also made some for me but he has become very irritable in the last 6 months and gets angry very easily. He won't go out anymore either with me or with friends - he just wants to play the computer or watch TV. I know he is depressed. However he won't communicate with me and any attempt to try and talk with him ends with him becoming angry and silent. I told him that I can't live like this anymore and that I am leaving and he gets frantic and begs me to stay. However, now I am in a situation where I want to go but I am afraid he will do something stupid to himself. How do I extract myself from this situation? I suggested we take a break and that I get a apartment (I went looking yesterday) but his answer is 'if you want a break then we may as well break up'! So when I said 'Ok you don't give me any choice and that's your decision so then we should break up' - then he says 'you can't leave me!!' It's all very immature - he doesn't want me to leave ... but he expects it to be all his way.


I am leaving but I'm so afraid he will do something crazy.

Sorry, to hear that. It's quiet a tough situation, and many things happened in 2 years ( you moving in China...). Marriage apparently is not a solution anymore, it will give you a truce for a while and the problems will come back quickly. You have already a taste of what is going to be your couple after the wedding, him staying home, lazy on the couch, watching football, or escaping is daily life on video games. What a promising life is waiting for you. And, to do not forget the mum. He will come back to her, as at his age, he was still living with her and couldn't go against her will. If she does some emotional blackmail to you, it's to make you suffer more than you are.

I'm a guy of 26 years old, but i wouldn't treat a woman like this. How can he not realise that you gave up your life in England 2 years ago for love ? It's a beautiful proof of love you did, and a woman who can do that deserve more than this. You deserve a better life and a better man.

I wish you good luck and hope you will take the good choice.


Jerome

Leave as soon as you can, he has his mother, sounds like he never left her, he will be fine. You on the other hand out of love for yourself, should leave. I have seen this before, he will not leave his mother for you and you really deserve better. Life is short. Don't waste time and don't look back. You can do better.