She as it all. He has, erm....very little...

OK...I'll try to keep this brief and uncomplicated... Let's say I'm a reasonable catch - many of the "right" qualities men seek. Additionally, I am financially established. I have recently met a fellow who, erm, isn't. Yes, he is a great man, but, and it's a big "but" - not only does he not have a dime, well, he is significantly in debt, with what I would deem to be grandiose plans to repay money owed. He lived a champagne life on a beer budget when his marriage ended some three years ago and doesn't have the strongest of work ethics. Unpaid tax for the past 2 years, about $250,000 owing on the credit card that is now on a personal loan because it exceeded the total limit and I bet he is racking it up again. He lives well out of his means -I did some quick sums and he is about $250,000 per annum (WITHOUT allowing for tax) over what he earns.


Maybe I've answered my own question... My girlfriend says "don't put a sick head in a healthy bed". Maybe she is right. Maybe not. When does the $ override love? Maybe I am more attractive to him because of my position. I feel our relationship is genuine, but the thought did cross my mind. All this in mind, an additional concern is the level of "comfort" he has within such a new relationship - for example, "our this and our that" - when he speaks of my car and my home and pretty much everything of mine. Yes, we particularly got along when we met (only some four months ago) and spoke of longevity within the relationship as we certainly did "click", but hey, a bit quick to "own" my stuff? He was terribly keen to get engaged and I told him perhaps someday. It screams of something not quite right when I see it in written form. But, hey, I like him but not enough to ruin my life over it.... Any thoughts? Oh, he comes with three kids (who live with their mother) - I have one - should I run??


By the way, I did ask him of his fiancial position very early on and let's say he flowered it up. Told me something like, I earn X, I owe X, my boss has X in the kitty for me to buy a share of the business (he failed to tell me that the amt he told me he owed was the actual figure minus the amount in the kitty - why allow for that if it isn't in play?) and my outgoings are X. Oh, and he has just been approved for an "investment loan" of $2M! I don't know how but that's another topic. Ok...to compound all of this he is, wait for it, a Financial Planner. No excuses for poor money management like, err...."I didn't know how to manage my $'s".


Apologies - did say I would TRY to keep it brief! Thanks for your time my fellow xpats, and suffice to say I have an idea as to the flavour of your forthcoming replies. If I continued with this relationship, I would be going against all intuition and life has messed up when I have gone against my gut feelings. Cheers.

I totally understand where you're coming from about the whole money thing. My boyfriend of four and a half years earns significantly less than I do, and finds it sometimes difficult to contribute to our household costs. (Please see earlier post "Giving money to parents")


He is the most wonderful man, he cares about me and does his best for me. He works hard and long hours, and rarely takes holiday from work to help impress his bosses with this dedication. He is good to his parents and family, he is always there for me (like when I'm drunk and need him to come pick me up and help me to get home) and he's everything a loving and kind boyfriend should be. He doesn't even shout at me for not doing my turn to wash the dishes or for leaving my clothes all over the floor! I'm a slob!


However, he's not in considerable debt. I mean, think about the future, one day maybe you'll get a joint account if it all works out and you get married and he might drain that dry. You can't get a mortgage for a house if he's in too much debt, how about paying for your kids to go to university? Okay, I'm looking dramatically down the line here, but it all bares thinking about. if he's in this much debt how can he take care of his children? At some point, this is all going to catch up with him and it probably isn't worth dragging your child through it.


I think you know the answer already, you just need to read it from some more people.

This guy sounds like a total disaster. And, frankly, we tend to see the better side of people before we enter the full relationship. When we live with somebody, that is when we see all the bad things.


And nobody "changes for the better" just because they are in a full relationship. Some people can learn improved ways of handling money, but it sounds to me as though this guy has never been interested in anything other than enjoying himself.


If you go ahead with a full relationship, do so in the knowledge that the things about him that you find problematical now, will almost certainly get worse.

If, by some chance you decide to go forward with this, please try to keep all of your financial things and his financial things separate as you move ahead. Don't go signing any joint things. Help him to set goals and a plan to pay off the debt...and make hime stick to it It can be done, but it is very difficult and will take some real willpower and focus on the goal! Once he gets out of debt, it will be a great burden taken off his shoulders. just be sure to not let him go there again! It's a shame that love and money have to mix. The bottom line is that debt causes stress and stress causes many other problems that can negatively affect a relationship regardless of the "love". Follow your heart, but be careful!

Good luck!

Part of the attriction is his jet set lifestyle which is always sexy.

But in his case it is a sham.


Perhaps becaose of your position, if his life was 'real' you would be compatible peers.


But to say it again, his life is a sham.


He is a walking disaster, don't get sucked in.

Wendy,


My personal AND professional opinion (I am a partner in a Risk Management Firm....having lived/worked/studied in Asia for over 18 years), is that something is definitely NOT right about this guy !!! Usually, when a person is that screwed up in a professional/career capacity, this is a clear sign of "bad character" !!! To be honest, when he says he's a "Financial Planner" the vibe I'm getting is that he made alot of money in a "boiler room" operation before or he's a true blue conman in some other way. I would love to help you, because I've seen many others get cheated in life, including one of my best friends, recently, in the U.S......drop me a line at my yahoo account, lookforjames@yahoo.com

Hi Wendy. You answered your own question with you last sentence. Go with your intuition, not you heart. If your intuition says "Walk away" - then walk away! If you don't follow your intuition this time, the universe will present you with another opportunity, but it will be even more difficult to follow your gut feelings.


I am based in Shanghai

Thank you to everyone for your replies. Some most interesting and valid points. I am pleased to report that I went with my intuition - I happily ended the relationship a couple of days ago and it sits very well with me. There were a number of behavioural issues to boot, so let's say that this one wasn't worth hanging around for and trying to make it work. Thanks again, everyone. I really do appreciate your time. Wendy.

hey wendy,


rather than make a yes or no decision now - can u not ask this guy to tke his debt down by 30% in 6 months ie make a drastic cut to his lifestyle etc and set targets for him ongoing. if he really is keen to make it happen with you, he should be willing to show you that he has the will to change his ways. that way you'll also be more confident if he does change about taking your relationship forward.


of course, u will have to strip all his financial info from him to ensure he's not hiding anything...


but it MAY be another way