Toxic Friendship

Have you ever had someone in your life that takes pleasure in bringing you down?


I have this 'friend' that I've known for a few years. We're fairly close but we have different social circles - thank god!!! Anways, this girl, seems happy on the outside, but deep down she's a very angry individual. She angry at the world for her lot in life and seems to think the world and everyone in it owes her. Even though she's never actually said it in that manner, it obvious in the way she acts.


She doesn't make a lot of money, doesn't have a lot of friends, her family isn't close and she's socially awkward; talks too loud, chews with her mouth open, no sense of style. She really puts people off, but because I've always thought she was basically a nice person, I would hang out with her and invite her out with my friends because I wanted to help her out.


My life, in contrast is a lot different. I'm happy, I have a good boyfriend, wonderful family and friends. I'm quite popular, I have a good job, good paycheck, nice apt. I have my problems, but they're like anybody's.


My 'friend' was there for me when I was in my last relationship - which was a bad as it gets. A little over a year ago, I started dating my dream man, fell madly in love and am very, very happy! Since I got together with my fella, she's been moody, snappy, demanding, etc. I thought she was jealous in the beginning, so I tried spending more time with her and giving her more attention but things just got worse. I think she SEEMED to be a good friend when I was in that bad relationship because she was always there, but now that I look back, I know she was just enjoying the fact that I was miserable.


She's quite controlling. She gets her own way by being passive aggressive and by using guilt. She wants to be noticed but she does it by trying to get other people to feel sorry for her. When she doesn't get her own way, she throws temper tantrums.


I don't invite her out anymore because other people are disturbed by her behaviour and it's embarassing to me. She's been horrible to some of my friends by using the whole guilt thing.


So, after many many attempts to appease her and be nice, she's done the last bitchy thing I will ever allow her to do to me - she hung up on me because I was too busy to talk and couldn't take her call at the moment. I've had enough. I'm ending the friendship.


She's not a friend. There's nothing reciprocal about our relationship. I feel emotionally drained and I completely dread having to hang out with her. I have nothing to say to her. I don't trust her with personal info. She really is toxic.


So... have any of you ever dumped a friend? If so, how did you do it and why? Please share. I have A LOT of very good friends and this is the first time I've had to do anything like this.


Many thanks.

xx

sorry to hear that,but i guess sometimes we just meet up with people that seemed to think the world owes them for their misery. I dumped a friend once, she was vindictive, controlling, always putting me down in subtle ways, had snide remarks, offensive. we were friends for a long time and something happened to her family, she changed and became a very bitter person. I slowly cut ties with her - being busy with work, had appointments etc. didnt call her, ph was always "running out of battery" when she called.

i recently did the same thing: finally dumped an extremely toxic friend who was really no friend at all in the end. i just stopped answering her calls and responding to her text messages.


the types of relationships we have are almost entirely within our control to choose. but i have to say it's not easy to end a friendship. i did struggle with the decision for several months.

I'm trying to understand where the friend is coming from. Perhaps the biggest clue is the lack of family closeness? The early bonds we form with our primary caregiver(s) often determine the bonds we form with others later on. From young, she's never learnt how to form close relationships and how to relate well to others. She probably feel insecure and low in self esteem because she cannot rely on her parents/family for love, attention and affection.


With her insecurities and inability to bond well with others, being passive-agressive might just be the best way she knows how to get people to notice and care for her. She sounds emotionally needy- and why not? She has no one, no family members, not many friends, just joyfulone to care for her. Joyfulone might just be her one and everything. When joyfulone moved her focus away from her, of course she had a hard time coping and became moody, controlling etc. She probably viewed joyfulone's lack of time for her as an act of abandoning her, and acted out angrily to that.


Now I'm not saying that everyone should feel sorry for her and treat her nicely. This girl has issues to deal with before she can learn how to form healthy friendships and relationships. And nobody can help her but herself. She needs some self insight and new ideas on how to manage relationships (from books, counselling etc) before she can move forward.


So how best should joyfulone deal with the situation? It's definitely going to be a tough ride ahead and no one should be with someone else, even as a friend, out of pity. That would be condescending and the lack of equality and respect would create resentment eventually. At the same time, it would be impossible to maintain such a friendship on the same terms.


I don't know the best solution and don't think I can offer one. Joyfulone, think with your heart and do what's best. Good luck!

Sounds like perfect analysis and advice, Trix.

Thanks ahacha :) I'm trying to put myself into the friend's shoes and that's the best explanation I can come up with.