Dr.Jekyl/Mr.Hyde

Don't want to admit this, and of course,it makes me feel ridiculous and stupid..met this guy 5 months ago,and he came across as a really genuine sincere person.Everytime though going back to his place came up, he always had a ready excuse.And he told me he was just way too busy and travelling way too much..well. We ended up going to his office a few times.Till eventually thats all we ever did.When I got curious,he put a swift end to my questions with talk like,"don't mess with me,am not a nice guy when angered".This from somebody who is a professor!Now I find that the office we frequented,is one of the many,he is a consultant or some such with this one.Am sure now he has a wife or partner stashed somewhere safely.And I have been plain dumb.It angers me of course,problem:there are photos he has of me!And since his transformatiom from Mr Nice to Mr.Rat..am nervous knowing he has these.Any ideas anyone? Or should I just walk away and hope to hell these photos never surface!


(I am based in Hong Kong)

Mykaela, please don't feel ridiculous and stupid - but yes, you do need to get out of the mess you're in with this character. He may have a wife, partner, maybe several other casuals like you. In any event, you need to get away from this nasty piece of work, but I don't think that it will be with all existing records of the compromising photos tucked safely in your purse.


You say that he makes these non-specific threats when you ask him questions about himself - do you think he would react in the same way if you told him you didn't want to continue the relationship? Does he contact you much by email or SMS? Who initiates your meetings, you or him? If you feel that it is you that keeps the relationship (if you can call it that) going, then his interest is probably already waning and he may not mind a split. Be careful to give a reason that will not bruise his ego, much as you might like to, in case he turns nasty.


As for the photos, well, again, with hindsight I am sure that you are wondering why you let him take them in the first place. He is very unlikely to delete them from his file even if he says that he has. Does he feature on any of them? You could try a bit of counter-blackmail if things turn ugly. I'm sorry, I daresay his friends have already seen them as some of these charmers like to keep pix like this on their mobiles to impress, but there must be people he would definitely prefer not to see. Can you find out more about him without asking him directly? Do you have any acquaintances in common?

Thanks austria,that does help..you know making sense of its hard when one is right in the middle of it.Guess I should really just kiss those photos and him goodbye!Its me who has maintained the relationship,and I guess I am aware that he wouldn't mind splitting up,in fact I think all he has done the last few weeks points to that.Which is a relief for us both.Am not tempted to give him any reason,and I doubt very much if he would even care to hear or know.That doesn't stop me from being a little bit weepy.How werid is that huh.That I should feel sad knowing that its for the best,and yet focus on the fact that he wouldn't care to know why.

No, he's not in any of the photos.Well. I haven't seen most of them,it was just that way,you know,he took them,showed some and said I could see them all later. The horror of thinking he probably has shown them to his friends...as for knowing about him..it started going bad as I started putting the pieces together,and asking him about stuff I started to find out.Now, I know almost everything there is to know save if he has a wife/partner or a string of women like me...and thats not really relevant is it. Even if I did know about that,it would hurt some more,but I think I can only do the right thing for me.Going public or telling on him..thats not me.Besides,he seems to be a high profile person,who makes these non specific threats..well..I wouldn't want to trigger anything JIC he does mean it.As for any acquaintances in common..not one person!I know of them,not them.Just like I know about him and not him..

Thank you austria,it helps to be able to talk out loud..holding it all in was getting unbearably difficult.

Of course you feel weepy, Mykaela, and have a sense of loss; but bear in mind that what you are missing is the 'really genuine sincere' person you thought that he was - that person didn't really exist. The real person is the one who warned you "don't mess with me, I am not a nice person when I am angry". Honestly, he's not a nice person when he is not angry! You really are worth more than that.


As Nimrod says, the photos are to some extent hostages to fortune and may come back to haunt you later. I actually regret having said that about showing them to his friends as he may well just be keeping them for private use - depending on the circles in which he mixes, it might do him no good at all if his associates know not only that he plays away but also that he boasts about it.


When and if you talk to him again, try to remain calm if you are going to ask him for the photos and do not make him angry.


I really wish you all the best - it is very difficult for genuine, open people to recognize and deal with this sort of deceit.

Thank you both! Nimrod, I do see the future harm in walking away.And even now, if he did do something spiteful like posting them on the net, it would devestate my family,and considerably damage me,my work etc.Imagine feeling guilty for asking and scared that that in itself may prompt somebody to behave in a totally hurtful manner..and to be honest..am blaming myself a whole lot more than him. It was me present,it was me sober,it was me who didn't mind..I can't remember really if I even thought about any of this at the time!Blowing the lid on it all...its really like doing it first.to pre-empt him,I do it first. Either way its me exposed physically morally and emotionally for the world to see. Gosh, I wish this never happened!

Austria,thank you so very much too.Please don't regret saying that bot about showing to his friends.That is one of the many possibilities I should consider.I sent him an SMS asking for them,no reply. So I sent a couple more saying the same..ok, 3 sms in 3 hours..and he shot back with,"I will take legal action against you for stalking me,and now I must hold on to these photos as a safeguard against you, because you are unstable,all we did was meet a few times and have sex"!I almost do feel like ringing him and saying,"well you have more to lose if you feel you need to keep these as a safeguard.." its turning into a horrible nasty standoff...to see who blinks first!Why is it so damn hard for him to return these to me?!Have tried to stay calm and speak sensibly,assure him that I really don't want to know about him or him,and never want to mention his name to anyone,so he shouldn't feel threatened. After all,its over and he may either be doing the same casual thing with other women..so why bother so much about one..especially the one with whom its all over anyway!The last thing I would do is to hunt down his wife/partner and tell them..to hurt them as well.What would I achieve!To cause further hurt because I am hurt is so irresponsible and plain mean!SO he has no reason to fear there..and you are right,am feeling so many emotions at once,loss of a person I chose to see,realisation of who he really is,fear about what next...as is Nimrod, I must get these back.Reasonable people just DON'T behave in this manner.Then again,sensible people just don't put themselves in potentially compromising situations either!

Thank you. Both of you.Its going to be a very hard long weekend.

Thanks Nimrod, needed to hear that. Its like when I go through it in my head, I just cannot believe this is happening!Its something one read about in newspapers happening to other people. And I was unable to grasp the seriousness of it all.Like if I just stopped thinking about it,or stopped asking him, it would go away and would stop being real.Like my mind could control events that are clearly beyond it!


Thinking about consulting a lawyer made me feel that I maybe blowing this out of proportion, that if I waited and perhaps asked again...you know the whole this is embarassing,scary and such a shock that it feels unreal.Which it isn't.When I can see his behaviour now when its all so recent,I should not be second guessing myself,getting caught up in the emotional chaos of it,or giving him any more chances to respond as a decent reasonable person would.I realise now that he is angry that I found out things he didn't want me to know. So in his twisted mind,his way of getting even is this. Its about him getting angry that he perhaps was having it off with a woman who was not clued in to anything..and finding out he was wrong.So instead of just acknowledging that not all women are dumb(stupid enough to do something so silly when they hardly know him yes..) and learning from it and being even better at being decieving,he has decided to teach me a lesson instead! To keep me in fear forever! And if one is pushed, like has pushed me, did he really think I would crumble...!Get hurt and shocked and bewildered..but with time, and good help from both you and austria..and legal help as well...


Amazing how he must maintain his otherwise upright decent successful persona..its a wonder that he is where he is in his professional life,to be on the board of so many organisations..well. Thats really not my concern.Good for him that he has managed to seperate who he is from what he does for a living!


Monday morning is what I am looking forward to now! Suddenly now, can't wait for the weekend to be over :-) and take charge of the situation. Think I have done enough of being self indulgent,sad and mopey! Time to get up and do something about it...Carpe Diem indeed! Many thanks again Nimrod...you and austria have been wonderful for helping me with this!


Have a good weekend!

Thank you. I find myself in a difficult situation mostly because I behaved in a reckless manner.Being married or not....as written here before by me..Either way it is me exposed physically morally and emotionally to the world.To find any irony therein...well...hasn't escaped me. As a single woman living with her family..and then move to HK with my sister and her family..and watch her trying to fill up her days with various projects...well..that is what I relate to. That I suppose anyone would if living in the same house...so for me, my situation is all the more worse as I am keeping up a strong calm front around my sister and her kids,that alls well...and cannot face telling her any of this. Yet.


Thank you mangotango. Need luck and a bit of courage!

Thank you flashback.It helps tremendously to know all of this.And has reduced inhibitions re going to a lawyer with it.I canbeat myself silly over how careless and naive I have been for a long time,and it will not change the fact that I did.To protect myself as pointed out by all of you,thats the best thing to do.To be better informed has put so much strength in me now..Don't feel as overwhelemed with it,although the walking and living in a different dimension still exists.


Again thank you!

Relating to any woman who finds herself in that situation.I found myself with lots of time when I first arrived here,and then again when between jobs.And I didn't have added responsibility of husband and kids..so I assume from what I see that it must be harder trying to manage all of that,and wonder what to do with all the time thats spare.. Does that explain it to you better? There is always something that meets the eye..and one can perceive it one way..and then again,theres probably something that doesn't...as I well know now! Thinking a few many times would be the wisest thing I do. It has been a hard lesson to learn.

I want to know how men like this get dates in the first place! I don't know if this is just me, but I'd find someone who wouldn't talk about themselves rather rude and secretive and it would probably pee me off quite royally.


Maybe it's just that I've had that experience.. my friend dated my window cleaner for a couple weeks and he wouldn't give her his phone number. Through our teenaged detective work, we found out that he was married.


Isn't it obvious that if he won't talk about his home life then something must be up? It took two naive teenaged girls about 4 weeks to work that one out, you were with this guy for five months? Everyone's different, I suppose.


About the photos... I don't mean to panic you but realistically, he could publish those photos on the internet and you'd never know about it. If you're not the type of person to frequent websites where this sort of thing would be posted, then how can you find out? As famous as Edison Chen is, his photos were released for months without his knowledge and without it reaching the attention of the media. It's just one of the many draw backs of the internet. On the plus side, you will most likely never ever meet anyone who has seen those photos.


That's if he publishes them. I mean, he probably wont. Why would anyone bother?


I'm sorry you met such a crappy guy. There are a lot of creeps in Hong Kong, and they seem to congrigate in certain bars in Wanchai and LKF. Nutsford Terrace seems blissfully absent of such creepy men, or maybe I just don't go there often enough. Hope that helps!

He did talk about himself.What he did for a living,his parents,how he came to HK his ex girlfriend..and I was more busy than him with work etc so I put it down to just that.And I have never before this had any reason to doubt anything somebody says...I am naive I realise that,but how often have you met somebody who has fabricated his/her life in parts or entirely?I don't know anyone in my social or professional circle who would.And when somebody tells you half a truth what do you do?Believe the other half maybe a lie?Based on what?When that half truth checks out to be right,and a sequence of these half truths are..what would it take to make a person doubt anything after that?For me,knowing half truths wasn't enough after a while, so I started quizzing him.Thats when it all went bad. I agree..people who don't want to talk about themselves can be off putting..but everyone has a right to their privacy and their version of themselves..for example, if somebody asked me a couple of weeks ago if I had gotten into a situation like this..or know anyone else who had..would I reveal anything to them? Does that make me rude? Ah..its all so confusing now..and I think I'd now err on the side of caution..splitting hairs about all that I could see,and was blind to..been as smart as a couple of naive teenagers..is all accurate.With people like him, I think they can so they do get dates.Do they sense naivety in people?Or do people like me reveal that we are blissfuly blind and stupid making it easier for guys like him?My guess now of course is,I am not the first or only one,he has this down to pat..so he stayed a step ahead all along,hence the photos..to intimidate me and use it against me in the future if things got out of hand.By which I mean I suppose if he thought the woman found out he was married,had a partner etc.


Yes,they could well have been posted by now.And I will never know.That seems to be some comfort...but for how long?As Nimrod said,what if I meet the man I love...what do I do?Tell him about this..I don't know. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.Its the anxiety and apprehension knowing somebody who is this deceptive and untrustworthy has them.I read last night on one of the websites dealing with such issues, this Psychologist advising,"Even with your husband with whom you share a commited loving reltionship,home,kids mortgage,think carefully before you do anything like that.The possibilites do exist that you may split acrimoniously,or these get into the wrong hands if you are moving home,what if your kids find them"..


I hope you are right,why would anyone bother to publish these..as I hope no one would bother looking at these anyway..not like I am famous or a celebrity..even if they did see them,it would be forgotten..but if he can show such malice and call me "unstable" for sending 3 sms asking him to return it...he may think of sending them to my work or family..a lot of strangers who don't know me and never will know me..if they saw it I don't know..not all that bad I guess..but to people I know about,care and love,respect and value...to do that within that circle...


At this point,the should've could've,what ifs...they help in making me shake off my embarassment and the hurt and do something to protect myself.To feel helpless is worse.Its worth it to go to a lawyer and discuss this matter.


Thank you,takes all sorts I suppose.I have been going to LKF etc for a long time..and well...it does take all sorts.It does help Pupalicious..especially the part about he may post it and I would never know..or indeed evn if he would.Having said that, creeps or not,I know better...to not just explain something down to a reason that suits me,to be objective,to not put myself in a compromising situation.Thank you again.

1. He is a jerk, but not stupid.

2. He has more to lose if this gets out of control.

3. Most likely he has not shown the pictures to anyone as these sort of guys don't really have friends.

4. Because of his career, he does not want any legal action/police etc to pop up. Imagine how he'd feel if the cops turned up at the university eh?

5. Because he probably has a family, he certainly doesn't want you to pop up unexpected.

6. He knows the amount of trouble he could get into by posting your pictures on the internet,and he is probably a weak and gutless guy, so he wouldn't risk that, especially as you know who took the pictures.

7. The issue of copyright hasn't been fully dealt with by the courts for in HK for situaitons like this. Sure, copyright subsists as soon as the works are created and the creator has the copyright, but as Flashback says, it doesn't mean he has the right to use those pictures as however he feels. He knows this, and is unlikely to release the pictures.

8. You probably do not have any immediate threat, but don't contact him again. He is probably all hff and puff abot being a dangerous guy to mess with, but he might be a nut-job.

9. You do, however, need those pictures back, and an undertaking that there are are no further copies and they will not be used to harm you. This is for peace of mind, but also in the unfortunate (and quite unlikely really) event it does come back to haunt you.

10. Perhaps dont go to the cops as firstly they probably won't know what to do (in vierw of recent media events etc) and also, if they do commence some action you may not be able to stop it or have it executed discretely.

11. If you are concerned, go see a lawyer - do it soon so you get peace of mind.

12. It is difficult for you as you feel scared, confused, and vulnerable, but ermember he is in a worse situation.

13. There are other pragmantic approaches people use in these situations, but although possibly effective are not legal and could get you into much trouble. Also, this guy is an unknown quantity and you'd best not place yourself in harms way - get legal advice.

14. Don't despair, don't get paranoid yet and certainly do not contact him - although he has "threatened" you, it has been reactive and ill considered. But see a lawyer at yor earliest convenience.

Thanks Maxis. I haven't contacted him since the 3 sms day.Right now he rang me, asked me to meet him later tonight. That if I gave it in writing that I agree I have harassed/stalked him,and agree that he should keep the photographs he would reciprocate by not misung them.I asked him if he'd also give it to me in writing,and he said"sure,but you must write all of this in my prsence tonight"...


I have asked myself: What am I fearing the most in this nightmare? My family and employers finding out,the humiliation it will cause me,embarassment at work..hurt my family and possible disrepute to the company I work for should it get any worse. So, I am really unable to cope with this sort strong arm tactic.And am considering telling my family myself,it will cause them hurt and anger them yes,but we love each other and can work it through together,besides,I think I really need to be the person telling them,not them finding out as a nasty shock some day...and I need them now. My immediate boss is a woman,as are three of the senior partners,and are very understanding.I guess if I told them that something I did in my personal life may potetntially bring disrepute to the company,depending on how things turn out...they could take disciplinary action against me or not..but perhaps they would not. And recognise my predicament.Surely the fact that I have told them honestly whats going on would help? Thereafter, I could go see a lawyer tomorrow morning...to see what my options are. And not live in this extended sense of fear and guilt.


I am hoping you as are all the rest here right..that last bit you wrote..his threatning me being reactive and ill advised..is right. And maybe he is in as bad a situation as me,or worse. And like me wants to put an end to this mess,and he is doing what he feels is best to protect himself. That perhaps he recognises we both are in a bad situation,and both equally want it to end while doing what we can to protect ourselves.. that we both don't need to take it any further,or start another chain of events that we may not be able to stop. I wish he could see that..or at least see that we both have the same aim,and due to a mutual lack of trust are unable to just settle this whole mess as quickly as possible. This whole "meet me later and give it in writing" cloak and dagger..is just bizarre and is adding to my sense of panic..its certainly not helping the situation.Its just not normal.Responsible adults should be able to talk things through,rather than play such mindgames! Its too twisted to feel otherwise.


Thanks,am definitely seeing a lawyer in the morning.

Don't panic and don't over react. It doesn't sound like he has threatened you if you don't sign tonight.


Plenty of people have had photos taken which in hindsight they wish they hadn't, that is 100% for certain. Probably your friends have. Lots of people have this exact asme issue when breaking up with someone, or at least have a lingering fear.


YOUR FEARS

You are probably scared, and imagining the worst things possible like when and where the pic could pop up, and paranoia makes one amplify beyond reason at times. Fear and guilt will do this to anyone,and can make people ia little rrational.


1. Family finding out - yes that would be embarassing. Would it really happen? Probably not. But is really necessary to tell you family at this stage? Perhaps wait until you hear what your lawyer says first anyhow.


2. Employer Finding Out -There is no reason to tell your employer though, your personal life is your own business. Unless you are a govt employee, and you were posing partly in uniform and using govt property as props right? But that wasn't the case so don't worry. Again. wait until what the lawyer suggests.


Don't forget, although not so easy face-to-face, make sure you tell the lawyer EVERYTHING - he/she won't/can't tell anyone without your permission anyhow.


Sounds like you are not going to go and meet him tonight, which sounds wise.

That sounds like a weird agreement he is proposing, besides he gets to keep the pics and you get to confess to being a stalker? Doesn't sound like a good deal for you.


Try and relax, and don't get yourself over anxious or worked up, or you won't think straight.

Mikaela, here are my two cents:


Firstly, and with all due respect, I think most (I repeat: MOST, as in "not all") people replying are honest women, and it takes a dog to understand a dog.


Most comments come from people picture themselves as you, but not really picturing as the guy.


Without repeating what others wrote, it is clear he is a professional player. He took the pictures early on the relationship because he knew he may need them later on.


That is a common "insurance plan" for players because from time to time they are "attacked" by women who thought they were going to marry the guy and he just wanted to "hit it and quit it".


The good news: I am fairly sure (as in "willing to put my life savings on it") he will never use those pictures, nor post them on the internet or distribute them in any way. There is no gaining for him in doing that. Male are practical, so relax on that one.


The bad news: I am also fairly sure he will post this pictures, mail them to your parents, future husband, workplace, etc. shall he even smell a lawsuit or if his wife/girlfriend get a anonymous revengeful call from someone telling her about his affair. Furthermore, when the wheels of revenge are in motion, they are hard to stop. You may be heat on this for years to come.


More good news: To take care of this problem follow this simple routine:

1) You had a good time with him. He had a good time with you. He cheated, and you didn't want to see it (come on, you should leave him the first time he refused to take you to his place). You need to understand this truth and live with it.

2) Do not seek revenge. Firstly, I don't really see the reason and secondly, it will probably cost you dearly, and I don't mean money.

3) Simply ignore him, ignore his calls, dissapear from his life and consider this little stunt as a life lesson. As long as you never contact him again he will never use this pictures against you. Remember, the pictures are not to threat you but to protect him. As long as he feels safe from you, he will not use them.


Again, I can not stress enough how important is for you to stay away from this guy. Again, he is a professional player and even if you got him out of his job he would find another one in no time, and if you get him divorce you may actually do him a favor. In return, he is going to hunt you, put you on the ground and keep you there. I have seen this with my own eyes and is ugly.


Wish you the best.

Thanks Mark,the first thing I realised is that I defintely deluded myself,explained it with what best suited me.And that fact made me angry with myself,but nonetheless,its my fact and as such something I have to live with.


Revenge? Gosh,seek revenge for what? For splitting up in a relationship which I found to be self delusionary and not normal? His marital status or his activities with other women etc that doesn't hold any relevance for me.It hurts but that hurt is really what I brought on myself.The sort of a person I am, I think (A) am better splitting off,(B)NO way would I ever want to be in arelationship leave alone be married to him or anyone like him, so to break his marriage really is not at play(C)am not about to put myself back in harm's way (D)I wouldn't want to tell his wife/partner for a number of reasons anyway..namely,I wouldn't want to hurt any more people in this mess,at some point jerks like him do get it coming to them,his wife/partner is not my issue at all. (E) Revenge for being hurt and allowing myself to be hurt is just so petty and mean and irresponsible....


As rightly pointed out by all,to ignore him is thebest possible thing.Certainly in moving on from this nasty episode that is the first step to take. Ironically,he has absolutely no reason to feel threatened by me....am more keen than ever to put a HUGE distance between him and me,and refuse to acknowledge I ever knew him..except to my family which I did last night,and to myself to remind me of what I should be careful of in the future.


Am aware now of course,of all the consequences for him, and me. And to be "hunted and put on the ground and be kept there.." is not the best position to live my life from....I think my reassuring him that he had nothing to fear from me...backfired. Maybe before I asked him for the photos back, and before I split up..I should have asked the question here! Maybe it would have answered "how best to split up without making him feel threatned and getting back the photos". ..but thats all done now. Am wiser.And not about to go stirring him any further. If a simple request sent over on 3 sms in 3 hours did this...well...says more about him.


Many thanks, a guys point of view does put a different perspective on it.

Mikaela I am glad you did not take my take in the wrong way. I know you did not seek revenge (if so you would done that already) but I had to let you see what he may be thinking of.


Again, sorry for bring the revenge thing up, but I had to place it on your mind. You see, some people feel the need to revenge when things don't go their way. Your view is very mature, because I have met others who would say "I wanted him to be my husband and he didn't, so he owe me (insert amount)".


Don't beat yourself over it. Simply delete the whole thing from your memory and file it under "lessons learned". Since you did not do anything to him chances are he will do the same. In fact, if he wanted to do something he would have done it already, as we any other act when you are "on heat".


All the best.


Mark.

Thanks again Mark. Seeking revenge is so hurtful,pointless and counter productive.Great amounts of anger,hurt sadness and pain are probably responsible for creating such a destructive response,but that response is time consuming,dragging oneself to a low level,instantly gratifying,causes a loss of humanity and dignity and extends the duration of the pain one feels....and hey, I have to face up to my role in it. How else will I ever be able to learn from it,close it with any sense of finality? I know what you mean...and its very sad what some people can do to those they think have harmed them..and perhaps they have been harmed..yet...its sad that they are unable to break out of the cycle of sadness..and further the pain. A sense of loss is hardly ever compensated by revenge..money perhaps buys them a feeling of being less cheated..and thats really the issue..that fact that they are deeply angry at realising they have been duped. And dumped. But I believe..we tell other people how to treat us..we give them subtle clues..and when we don't and it just happens..its just we met some terrible people...either way..to move forward..one shouldn't stay anchored..more so if the anchor is vengeful malicious behaviour. Scrathcing a wound and never letting it time to heal.


Have yet to stop using that mental whip on me frankly....think I will be for a while yet! But there are moments now in between the mental whipping where I do actually get tired and take a breather...and those moments of taking a break are slowly getting longer. Please don't aplogise...helps to have as many points of view when one has no faith in one's ability to judge a situation..so am gaining that back with all the opinions people are sending in..so very helpful and thoughtful of all of you to spend time writng in!


Many thanks!