Posted by
blueyes
18 yrs ago
I have worked very hard over the course of 8 months to rebuild my marraige after my husband admitted he was having an affair. My husband moved to Hong Kong to further is career and we tried the the LDR, but for us it didn't work. My husband loves Hong Kong and I always liked to visit but it wasn't my home. And my husband changed alot because he fell in love with a local and I was the 'old 'and she was the 'new'.
So, I have recently cut off all lines of communication with him because he was taking my love and support and wasn't giving any of it back. And then when I told him I was filing for divorce, he was fine with it, but wasn't fine with what I was asking for in our divorce settlement. The reason I am writing this thread is because I miss hearing from him. Its almost like I have stopped smoking cold turkey and I need a fix.
I would like some suggestions of how to get over the pain you feel when you have cut off lines of communication with someone who you still care for. Thank you in advance for your feedback.
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blueyes, sorry to hear this has happened to you. there's no other way to get over your pain than the passage of time. and cold-turkey is the way to go when you're trying to get over a bad habit. but you can control how you choose to use that time.
may i ask how long you were married? do you have children? do you work? are you in hong kong or back home?
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lulu
18 yrs ago
blueyes> takes time...i am still feeling the pain and try to get over someone i met 6 year ago. Somehow you just need to be tough to gain some self respect, give yourself some time...i am very upset today as well.
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Girlfriends-I tried to fight for him and I faught hard! My husband even complimented me on how wonderful I was to him during a dark and difficult time in our marriage. I stayed loving, loyal, and supportive of him. BUT- he was already onto the next woman. His heart moved on to someone else. He cancelled my trip out to Hong Kong, he cancelled 2 trips we talked about to reconnect, and he refuses to come home. After 8 long months of doing all the work, I needed to say to goodbye to a man who really did not want to come back to our marriage.
To answer a few questions: We are married for 6.5 years and dated for four years prior to marriage. I did not go with my husband orginally to Hong Kong because he told me to stay home until the office and staff was set-up and organized and he would be travelling and hardly home. When I realized my marriage was in deep trouble from the distance- I was ready to pack up the house and move out to Hong Kong- but then he was already 'in-love' with the other woman. And when I would visit him- he would not take much time off to spend with me. And he would work all day and then come home for dinner and then back on the phone and back to work. I became very dispressed and afraid to discuss how I was afraid this lifestyle was taking a toll on us and his health.
Now, please refrain from attacking me- for what lead to the divorce. I am seeking advice on how to fight the urge to call and connect with someone who I love. But HE doesn't love me anymore.
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no one will attack you blueyes, it's clear to everyone that you fought hard for your marriage. now it's time to move on. just vent your spleen here in the forums. what about friends? have you shared your situation with them? are you in hk or in your home country?
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come on rititt, delete your post please <:-(
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Trust when I say I would have drop everything to salvage my marriage. I love my husband and still hold onto hope he will fly home and surprise me with a visit but I have to let grow of the daydreaming and live in reality. The reality is- if he loved me and wanted to be married to me, he would call me and email me and saying,'I love you and want to with you.' But he has let go and moved on.
Even when he came home in December and told me about the affair and how he loved her, he brought home a love letter from her in his wallet, and he would call her and email her from our house. You can see, even 6 months ago I was already at a disadvantage. AND- she told him and then the told me- she was going to fight for him.
I have an amazing family and very kind friends who will call and leave messages of love and support. I went from a size 6 waist to a size 0 because I was devasted. I love him but he doesn't share the same feelings and that hurts.
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blueyes has already decided to let go. She should focus to use her energy on her future like above poster mentioned.
I agree you have to try to fight, at least try your best. But sometimes your best does not mean you will get what you want. To fight beyond what you can handle may ruin your self-esteem in the end. You may win the battle but loose the war in the end.
And how do you know the man is still considered as "goodies". One man's meat maybe another man's poison. Love comes and goes. Blueyes sound young to me so it is better that she starts her life all over again. Just my opinion anyway...
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Keimochi- that's scary to know you knew she was from WC!!!!! And I want to leave our marriage with style, grace, and self-respect. I see it as his loss in more than one way. I learned alot about myself through this very dark period in my life. I like the woman I have matured to be- I am not ashamed of anything I did in our marriage. It is HE who has alot to think about his actions and his bad decisions while we were married. I ALWAYS told him- if you are ever unhappy in our marriage I would rather we talk about the problems than turn to another woman. I am so sad and disappointed he did what I asked him never to do.
Thank you for all your responses- I am feeling a bit lonely today and it feels good to know you guys care. ox Blueyes.
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vibe
18 yrs ago
blueyes,
As usual, there has been some terrible advice on these forums.
You've obviously come to the decision to divorce him after quite some thought and it can't have been an easy one.
And you also seem to understand the problem -- that you are having trouble letting go. You've won half the battle, so they say.
You're just going to have to cut him out, cold turkey it is going to have to be. By the sounds of it, you have loving and supportive friends and family to help you through this and you also seem to understand this.
Just get the divorce over with. Agree on a fair settlement and don't hassle him too much for extra money, it simply isn't worth it.
I'm sure you've heard all of my suggestions before but I'll contribute anyway. You don't need to stop caring about him or to convince yourself to hate him. You don't need to be vengeful or vindictive. Surround yourself with good people. Get physically active, join a sports team, get involved in adventure sports. Go out and show off that new size 0. Get out to art exhibitions, film and music festivals, comedy shows. Travel. Meet new people. Drink wine with your friends.
It sounds like you've got your head screwed on right so now it's just a matter of execution. I wish you the best of luck.
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Thanks Vibe and I am not mad nor bitter at him or the situation- I still love him and will for a long time. My problem is just letting time heal my wounds. I want to call him so badly but I know this won't help me in the long run. He is with her and I don't want to him to think I am needy or desperate for him. I just want to hear from him but I know he is with her- sleeping in our bed in the apartment we found, sleeping in the sheets I bought. He is the man is he today because of me. I miss him. :(
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Raven Girl- I have periods which I am angry but mostly I am aware of the lessons I have learned from this experience. I am mad at myself for not speaking up to my husband about the hardship I was having with the distance in our marriage. I thought he was happy with the situation-( little did I know he was happy entertaining a certain lady and living a good life). I've been seeing a therapist since December and this has been an assest to my mental well being. Its just my heart and my mind are not working together. My mind has moved on and is looking at a bright future but my heart is still broke and would love to see my husband. Time will allow both to work together again. Time.
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No, she is corporate and she lives in WC. And 13th Apostle- boy, you are rough! The truth hurts but you pack alot of heat in every punch.
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blueyes, sad to hear what ur going through. I am recently separated from my husband, he too found someone else. It's hard to move on but the only way for you to move on is your own strength, it sounds hard and I am sure you still care a lot for him. But you need to always remember that there is no points to care for someone who doesn't love you anymore. My husband said he still loved me but in a different way when he walked out on me and what does that mean? it means he doesn't. Direct your energy to people who care for you. Here are a fews steps i have strictly followed:
1. make sure you'll always look good, buy nice clothes and skin products and make yourself look the best not for him or anyone else but for yourself, because trust me, you feel much more confident and good about yourself when you look great
2. you still can go to bars and drink, but don't over do it, do it no more than twice a week because you still need to meet people. and take up some sports, it gives you energy
3. spend 1 night each week to have one on one dinner with some of your girlfriends, get to know them and care for them
4. any time you can't sleep, read a fantastic book the sorta books that you couldn't put down.
let me know how it goes, i truly hope you will move on as i've been trying hard myself, it's been 3 months for me and I remind myself that life is way too short to fruther waste on someone who doesn't love you more. you wasted 6.5 years and I've wasted 7 years....
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shaq
18 yrs ago
Blueyes & Icebreaker > You have my sympathy as well.
It's always difficult when someone you care for walks out on you. Why? ... Because they fulfil certain part(s) of our lives and their leaving creates a vacuum. That's why some of us learn NOT to fall in love with the heart (but with the conscience that ....).
But, you shouldn't let separation/divorce bug you down all the way because every vacuum created by a mortal being can be 're-fulfil'. How? ... We all have an inner strength (or one from above) and, if you realize that and rely on it, you can get right back on your feet and in the 'train' of happiness and take control of your life.
I agree with Icebreaker ... Try to look good all the time and put on a smile (although it could be difficult) and cool people around you will respond appropriately. While I don't advise that you loose yourself to every 'dick and tom', I'll say open up to people who accept you and are ready to help in one way or the other. Remember, we all need a shoulder to lean on (in tough times).
ShaQ
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tia
18 yrs ago
Blueyes:
I am truly sorry to hear that this happened to you. Are there kids invovled?
After reading through all this, I have to side with the 13th Apostle and VOR. Fight for what you want from him and get what you deserve from the marriage.
Cold turkey is tough but that is what has to be done for now, until you feel more stable and can talk to him without all the emotions rising. Keep busy. Any break up is hard and you have my complete empathy. But as 13th said, it is often what we HAD that we miss. If fell in love with someone else. Even if he came to me, I doubt I would ever forgive him...and that would not make a successful relationship.
How to get over him? Well, (ha ha) the best way to get over one man is to get under another. (HA!) I am joking... Seriously, though, keeping busy is key at the moment bc the more time you have to think, the more time you will dwell....and dwelling does no one any good.
Good luck! I wish you all the strength and courage you need to get through this.
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I asked him to stop calling me because he wasn't interested in returning back to our marriage. And it was painful to exchange 'I love you's' when the truth was I do love him in a husband and wife way- he loves me as a friend/family way. It was too painful to hear from him because it made me hold onto hope and dreams that he would admit might never happen with me. So why keep calling someone who isn't sharing the same exchange of feelings you have for them.
Regarding my divorce- again I remind you my intentions for this thread was not to ask legal advice or discuss what I am asking for a settlement. Or where he meet her or anything about her and them. I wrote the thread to ask for advice on how to dust yourself off and start again when your heart is broken into a million tiny pieces. I know many of you can draw upon this experience and wanted to know how you got through a painful experience.
Icebreaker- I am sorry for your loss as well.
And thank you for your advice. Are you in contact with your husband? And what are your plans?
And, no children are involved but we have three dogs and all have medical issues. I work a part time job and I am currently looking for a full time position.
And regarding problems in my marriage prior to my husband leaving for Hong Kong- looking back on it -I can say there was a crack in the foundation. But that doesn't mean I wasn't willing to work through our problems. I am his second wife- this was my first marriage. So I wanted to work on our problems afterall I married for better or for worse. And I come from a solid family background and he did not. As I said to him- he loved work and he like me. I adored my husband and always put him first. Still want to call but I know its not best for me in the long run.
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I live in a state where we have 'no fault' divorce. Which means I am entitled to half and that's it. And I am starting from scratch which is a good thing and have want I need it just I don't have what I want which is him.
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Blueyes, my situation is somewhat smilar as yours. Only financially I am much stronger than my husband, so I will not get a penny from him. I have a dog and some cats and he left them all with me. The first few weeks were tough as I had to get up very early in the morning to walk my dog then back home late from work. But now I am used to it and have really kept myself busy, so busy that I have no time for tears.
There is moments that i think of the future and it freaks me out that i might be alone for the rest of my life but I'll stop myself from thinking that way, if it's too sad to think of both the past and the future then think about present.
I've started going out and always collected phone numbers from girls and i get to meet many girl friends now and they have provided all the supports i need. But do remember to give your friends a break by not talking about your marriage all the time, the less you talk, the easier for you to move on.
I am still scared but each day is only getting better. I do receive emails from my husband and all about stuff he wants to collect from the flat, knowing there is no other reasons for him to contact me is heartbreaking and it certianly better for me to stop knowing anything about him at all.
Now I am looking back, I don't feel like to blame on him or myself, instead, I feel it was more of a journey comes to an end.
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Icebreaker- I share the same feelings and thoughts about being alone. And everyday is an ounce better. I enjoyed my journey of 10.5 years of traveling, laughing, sharing a bed, dogs, family and friends with my husband. I hope we both find our bliss. If you would like to exchange emails and offer support to each other and day words of encouragement- to give our friends and family a break- I would be happy to be your support. Thanks everyone- its been a tough ride. ox blueyes
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pls check your inbox at control panel.
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Hi Icebreaker + Blueyes
I need your advice on the same thing, my husband just left me 2 weeks ago. I feel all the pain you have felt during your marriages, but my pain is fresh and painful and I'm trying to cope each day. How did you girls cope in the early stages? I feel lost being in HKG, as I left all my friends and family in UK to follow my husband, but now I feel I have nothing. I feel I've lost my best friend, husband, someone that knows me well, and since being in HKG without my close friends and family for support I am truely lost and falling apart. How do I heal my broken heart and pull myself together?
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Tootsie-So sorry to hear this is happening to you. And I know the pain you feel. I cried for weeks into a towel because tissues just didn't absorb the amount of tears I shed. I wish I had advice to give to you on how I coped during the shock stage of realizing your marriage is a mess. Do you think you might be able to rebuild? Or are you in the similiar situation where you know the marriage is over? Either way- you need to find professional help. And talking to people really does help. I cried on the phone for hours with my mother. I will tell you finding help is so critical at this time.
I know how you feel. Trust me I know your pain. There is no answer for the question of how to pull yourself together. Other than, everyday you must take baby steps to figuring out where to from here. Such as leave Hong Kong and go back home to the UK, find a therapist (and a doctor to give you a prescription to help you sleep at night, and find somthing constructive to do with your time. I threw myself in starting a business and working part-time. Again, I know your pain and I wish I had a way to help you get through mending your broken heart. I am about 6 months past my husband leaving me and I can tell you- it does get easier. But I will also tell you, I still love and miss him and I still cry- its just instead of crying in towels- its a tear or two- just enough to wipe with my hand. You will be ok. Trust me.
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blueyes, now you've gone and made ME cry with your very moving post!
all my admiration and respect to you strong, smart ladies who can teach everyone a thing or two about picking ourselves up and moving on.
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Wow, what a drama woman have to live through in their lives! Tootsie: So sorry to hear about your story, I can symphatize your situation as I have moved from UK to HK with my partner and have just got married few weeks ago, and I totally understand the meaning of feeling lonely and missing your friends and family back home. I think men are selfish when it comes to this - having you to move to another country, starting your life anew and then, they choose to do this. It's so sad, this society, this living.
But hey gal, be strong! You have come this far to start your life anew, a different environment, different culture - and look! You've survived so far, and I am sure you will find the strength to carry on. Make decisions about staying or going back to UK - do you have a job here in HK? Do you like the lifestyles here?
Look forward to your future, you should never give up no matter how hard life gets at you...and remember that even in this small forum, LOOK! Many people cares, GIRL POWER! Chin up my girl... xxx
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Blueeyes- you are doing a wonderful job, and that old but such accurate saying 'TIME HEALS' is just so true. Treat it like a death, I mean in the sense that he is gone and you must mourn him (as the man you married back 6.5 years ago) and come to terms with his 'death'.
BUT after the mourning period, be firm with yourself and REBUILD the NEW you...
After you can come to terms with the fact that the man you married and initially met has gone forever- you will find it easier to pick up with your new life and move on. It is not easy, though with the support of yr family and friends and simply yourself being strong ( which you sound, you are holding up well) you will so much happier and confident with life. You WILL be all right and you will get through this downer. Like the above advice, treat yourself well, eat well, sleep well, take excercise and you will find a happy you. Good luck and everyday tell yourself how well you are coping and that you can do it alone!
Sorry to all those having marriage problems to do with 'affairs/cheating'. It's depressing to know so much is going on in HK, but rest assured it does happen all over the world too, but seems more temptation in Asia.
Anyway, life is full of surprises, so just be happy and live everyday like it's the last. Thinking that there are people out there with a lot more problems than ourselves, always makes me feel that I should be happy with my own life- health, family and 1000's of other good things!
Good luck all and enjoy those positive aspects of life!
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Thanks ladies for the good advice. I started to take down the pictures and remove items that reminded me of our marriage in happier times. I wanted to remove anything that would trigger thoughts of my old love and times gone by.
I was pleased to read that some readers were able to understand that jumping on a plane to Hong Kong and knock on my husbands' apartment door (with the chances of her there) only made it more like a soap opera than an attempt to save the marriage. Because if he wanted to see me and work on our marriage he would have encouraged me to come out. Afterall I always put my marriage and my husbands needs first. It is HE who would put work and the life of an Hong Kong expat before his family. Says alot about him.
I read and re-read these posts when I feel sad and conflicted with my decision about filing for divorce. The same little voice inside my head that told me about a year ago 'you husband is going to cheat on you and did' is the same voice that is saying to me "BLue-eyes you are doing the right thing even though this is painful- LIFE BEGINS AFTER DISPAIR" OX
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lulu
18 yrs ago
just have to move on. just have to think you deserve someone better, if you love them, set them free.....
treat they are dead or something, its cruel but it is makes you feel better.
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I must repeat the thanks for the good advice. I am taking baby steps day by day, trying to be strong, taking heed of comments made in this forum. I'm crying less, but my mood changes dramatically, so there are times when I have a good day and sometimes really bad days. I'm also trying to be proactive in keeping myself busy, so I find myself staying at work much later (all of a sudden) so that I don't go home to an empty flat. Seeing as it's just happened, my husband does still calls me to see how I am doing, as he is aware that I've fallen into a depressed and emotional state. I don't know if this is doing me good or making the break for me even worse, but I take the calls anyway. I still love my husband, even though he's told me he doesn't love me back, but he cares for me, I guess that's my bit of hope I am clinging to. I have not got to the stage of chucking all his stuff out, his belonging are scattered all over the flat (as the flat he moved to is much smaller), so things are kinda all over the place. I guess take each day as it comes, make more new friends in Hong Kong, keep myself ocuppied as much as possible, and try to share my situation with close friends and family so I don't end up bottling up all emotions inside (as I've been told this is not healthy). I'll keep reading this forum for hope and advice and hope to get stronger each day. Thank you all.
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sorry tootsie to get back to you til now as i've been caught up at work in the past few days.
I absolutely understand how you feel. I remember a month after my husband left me, I sent him a message saying that I didn't hate him and if choosing to leave me and be with someone else would make him happy then it's fine with me as in the end of the day, all i wanted from him was him being happy - this was the promise i made to him the day I was married to him. I was sad because i lost my best friend and a close family.
Unfortunatley, the way i see the whole thing really is the fact that he doesn't love me anymore and it really is the end of a good journey. It's hard to let go but it makes all easier to think that way and move on.
there are always people around us deserving our love and time and certainly not those who don't love us, sadly that could be someone we once lived together and married for so long. You get what I mean?
i am not a saint and i have my shares of heartaches and trust me I've been trying my very best to save myself from the pain.
p.s. blueyes - thx for our email message and i'll get back to you over the weekend
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I come home from work always hoping that today will be the day he will come to his senses. I hope his voice will be on the answering machine, or his email address will be on the 'new mail' list. So far, two weeks and still nothing. I look forward to the day when I can release that wish of hoping he will contact me. I have set a goal of a trip to Paris- to celebrate my accomplishments and toast to my lessons of love. I will bring my mom- she deserves a metal for the support she has given to me- morning, noon and night. I hope anyone who reads this thread and knows the pain we feel will send us positive thoughts that good things will indeed come our way. ox Blueyes
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ever thing has a beginning and an end. Just as a baby is born and a person physical life will end.
We all have FREE WILL towards OUR Thoughts or imagination which is reflection an image which will translate into WORDS. This Will cause pain or pleasure EVERY MINUTE, HOUR OR DAY. THOUGHT comes from WHERE?
If your imagination is based on Hurt then hurt will produce ITS SUBSTANCE. if your imagination is based on good by seeking out who you are instead of being somebody that you not because of the reflections of somebody elses character time spent then you will see the end result of the truth. (that when you live out somebody elses character)
May be you heard the story of the rich old lady and the handsome young man just about finishing dinner one night and the rich old lady just couldn’t help it and looked towards the handsome young man and said “would you sleep with me tonight if I gave you 1m dollars”.
Then the handsome young man started thinking you know sleeping with this old woman just made his skin crawl but after all it was a million dollars involved.
So finally he said “Yes I will spend the night with you for 1millon dollars.”
She smiled and ASKED him “how about fifty dollars”
He said “W!hat K!ind of M!an do you think I am”
She said “O’ I already know what kind of man you are, I am just trying to settle the price”.
What is your price? How far are you willing to go? what long held believes are you willing to trample underfoot to get a little acceptance? What is your price for you to compromises. Fear of rejection pushes people to compromises instead of standing up for who you are.
1)People compromises to conform
2)People expose themselves to such a point where they are so hungry for acceptance that they are willing to be used and exploited
3)Lose sense of self-will people become captivate after taking all the layers off from the suffering of rejection. Cause and then the effect
4)Rejection is a feeling and often mistaken for what looked right from the beginning.
5)Don’t let your life be ruled by rejection
Stand up for who you are and look at rejection and then you can say that you are somebody and you have your own character and i am not going to fear of the unknown or known because
Your character doesn’t need anything from the other side in order for it to accomplished what it is suppose to accomplish.
Your Character doesn’t need to be treated right in order to Love.
Your character Loves regardless of how its being treated.
Your character put up with anything. Your character Loves regardless.
Remember everyone will never see the same day twice for the rest of our life.
Love was never about your husband,Mum,Dad, Sister, Brother, Wife,
Child,Friend,neigbour,stranger on the street.
Love is about who you are created to be destiny of goodness and mercy.
Being Love that is all aspect within you.
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Thank you Datruth, Tangerine Too, and Regis 27 for your kind thoughts and good advice. I read and reread your posts to help regain the strength and wisdom when I am depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I have a list of all the things I want to do for myself and the goals I am going to accomplish all on my own, this is now the fuel to keep me looking forward. The hard part has been packing up his things, taking down pictures of us- 10.5 years of travels, collecting and decorating our home with sentimental things this is when the flood of tears all start over again.
I really appreciate when there is a new posting- I am sending all my friends in Hong Kong that are going through this same situation all my positive energy we will get through this stronger, wiser, and find an even more amazing love for ourselves that we can share with someone else. I miss Hong Kong- especially Stantley Market! So next time someone is there- close your eyes and send me a wish and blow it to the west! A giant hug from me. Blueyes
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Hi there,
My heart goes out to u, but trust me there is nothing more like being in control of ur one life.
i live in Stanley, next time when i will pass the market, will surely send a thought in ur direction. U deserve all the happiness, and surely u will get it with the one who deserves u.
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I must add to this thread again, to let out how I am feeling nowadays. It's been a while since my husband left me, even though calls me every so often to check if I am ok. He recently came back from a little break he had in Asia, and popped round to see me. It broke my heart to see him so tanned and refreshed, that I wanted him back in an instance, but the truth still hits me in the face, he doesn't want me back. I've been crying everyday since I last saw him and I can't get over it. I know we have grown apart since coming to HKG, but when he dropped the bombshell that he was leaving, he didn't give me any time to try to change. The reason why we are living in separate flats now is because of children, he wants them now, I want them later. But because our wants are in different time zones, he's saying that if I don't want them now, I'll not want them later. I know I haven't been the most maternal person in the whole world and not easiest to live with, but I do have a soft patch where I do eventually want kids. At 33, he's saying I'm past it, and as I'm set in my ways, my mind is not gonna change soon. Now I'm in a terrible situation, as I can't fix it. I tell him I want kids, but just need time, lets try to start over again, move back in...nothing is working. He's giving me no time. I can't even hold a conversation with him, as I keep screwing up what I say. I'm trying to think intelligent and say the right thing, but everything comes out wrong. Now I'm feelin so low, that I want to just give up on everything, suicidal thoughts are running through my head everyday, and I cry all the time. I don't know what to do anymore, but all I know is that I want my husband back and I want a fresh start, and I do want a family but just need some time. How can I fix this???
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tootsie, am sorry to hear of your pain.
i realize it's nearly impossible right now, given your emotional state, but can you give your husband an actual date by which you would truly and wholeheartedly and happily give birth?
i know it sounds like he is being rigid and cruel but children are a huge issue. i will say this for him, he knows what he wants. but do you know what you want? yes, you want your husband back, but he comes with a clear desire to have children right away. if you two can't agree on this very crucial point, i'm afraid chances of reconciliation are quite low.
in any case, you need to take care of yourself and pull yourself together first before attempting any constructive interaction with him.
may i ask if you two discussed children before you got married?
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Hi there-I am feeling better and thank you for thinking of me. I was checking everyday to see if someone responded to the thread because its been awhile since the last post. Until this morning when I woke up and there was a new message.
"Cheater" has stopped contacting me all together- no phone calls, emails, text messages- nothing. I still hope when I get home there is something from him. I have that moment and then I move onto something else.
Time does heal all wounds. Peace.
How is everyone else doing?
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voiceofreason: yes, we have discussed children before we got married, and at the time I did say yes, but I did not say when. Somehow, since coming to HKG the need for him to have family has accelerated (also his friends are all trying for them as well and some are pregnant). From the past conversations we've had, they've been difficult, as the one topic is kids and I cannot give-in, so u are right, reconciliation with him is becoming impossible, as the answer is either yes or no. This has had a great impact on both of us, which has lead him to finally leaving me. Even though I have said, ok lets start having kids, I would be kidding myself if I did, as to bring another person into this equation would be a disaster, he too can see that, as our relationship is probably gone too far beyond repair over the years.
Regis27: about the possibility of a 3rd person..I have no idea, friends and family all ask the same thing seeing as his exit was so sudden. Even to give me no second chance was not an option, or even some time to seriously think about it, he just went. I thought marriages were for better or for worse, but not in my case, I read it as, I get what I want now or I go. Some people have said he's selfish to put so much pressure on someone that has had a hard time adjusting to life in HKG, and now that I have a good job and just settled into a normal routine this bombshell hits me. I will try my best to pull myself together,albeit very hard, as I've noticed that everytime I see him, I always get extremly upset (hence my last note). I am now looking for a place of my own, so that I can get away from all his stuff and rebuild my own self-asteem. Well, one step at a time, and I hope from reading all these threads,that time will heal me.
Blueyes: thinking about u always!!
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Tootie- I agree with your decision about finding a new place so you can be surrounded with your things and start you new chapter. I know how hard it is to pull yourself together. I walked around with a frown on my face for months. We were hit with a bombshell-a bitch slapping of huge proportions!
Please know Tootie you are in my daily thoughts. Keep us posted with your emotional roller coaster because I care and I am sure other woman who know what we are going through understand the importance of venting deep sadness and loss of love. One day at a time :)
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After reading all the replies and I think that men are really bast***. Why must women always take the pain while they are out there having fun? Life is not fair but I believe that we all have to move on. All the best to everyone!
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Regis: We will move on with our life. What if they come back and want to start all over again, will you take him back? I am sure I would as I am kind of soft-hearted. I am just wondering if anyone out there would actually give them a chance?
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I would give my husband another chance. But that's in my fantasy world. Reality check- he isn't coming back and that's the bottom line. I still love him. And I miss him. And he doesn't call me anymore. :(
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I too would give my husband another chance. I see him is my best friend in the whole world, who comforts me in good and bads times. We've been through alot together, and we have alot of history, no-one can replace all those memories. But now things have changed, even though people tell me to be angry, I'm too upset to be like that at the moment. Just like blueyes, I still hope for the day he will turn around and change his mind and we can a couple again, but I can tell from his abruptness that he is fixed on his decision. Advice recently received is to cut him off totally, as his little visits and checks on me, even though I see them as a treat everytime, they are tearing me apart as we're not like used to be and I know that when he's gone, I'll be all alone again, so I cry everytime. I wish I was angry and bitter as I could be more harder than I should be, but I guess if you're still madly in love with the man you married too it's easier said than done. I wish this phrase 'time will heal' would hurry up, as I hate being like this.
Blueyes: hang in there...I know what you're feeling, it's a horrible place to be right now, but I'm here for you if you want a shoulder to cry on!! I'll try and send u a msg.
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Thanks Tangerine Too for the much needed kick in the pants! Everything you said is right on the mark. For right now, my heart is still broken. I recently took off the rosey-colored glasses and I am slowly moving on.
Tootsie- Time will help with this painful process and I think you should stop seeing him all together. It doesn't sound like it is doing you any good. I will admit- its the one good thing about my situation. I don't see him and will never see him again. He plans on living in Hong Kong for at least another 3 years. Tootsie- I am thinking of you and sending you positive energy. Be good to yourself.
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Tangerine.. it's often to say what you said when you're not in that situation. It takes time for blueyes and tootsie to gain back their self esteem and confidence.
Blueyes and Tootsie - this is time to focus on you and not on your (ex) husbands. Don't think about taking them back now. Focus on healing and anger is part of that. Use it in a positive way... make positive changes, surround youselves with friends and family and make new friends... friends who will help you get to know the real you and give you support- not in a whining sense... find yourself and find that strength in you... and maybe down the line you will look back and say "hell... why should I have given him a second chance?"
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Tangerine Too - good for u! but I also believe that we need to mourn and feel sad - it is all part and parcel of life! But we must have an objective at the end of the day... which is to be a better person, to learn from this experience and move to the next level. Share some positive experience too... so others know that there is sunshine at the end of the journey.
regis27 - heartbreak is hard enough eh?
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I actually fully agree with Tangerine too, if you see my above messages, I am also recently going through the same pain with my husband of 7 years who left me for someone else. The way I've purshed myself really hard to move on is to idenitfy a number of strategies to occupy my time and make myself feel better. I haven't gone into this thread for a while is because i also feel it's not going to help in any sense by posting all the pain ur going through and how much you miss the guy and how he hurts you, how much you wanna take him back etc... there is certianly a grievance period but at some point you need to tell yourself the end is the end.... sorry i really don't want to sound harsh but would want to help
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Ttoo, if you have any practical strategies for how to stop loving the person who's hurt you then I'd love to hear them. Choice doesn't come into it unfortunately. Wallowing & false expectations don't help I agree, but how the f**k do you get past them, especially at 1am on the bad days???
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Hang on a mo - not all wimmin here!
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What is wimmin? Do you mean women?
Yesterday, 'he' called me after not communicating for three weeks to gloat about his happiness. I told him since he has moved on to continue is journey. I had a rough day yesterday and didn't sleep much last night. This isn't easy. I feel alone and sad today.
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Cheer up....Know that you'll be able to do it....This is my mantra in life...Whatever that does not break me, only makes me stronger! He's just trying to make you down....don't fall for it
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Many people think that fear is a good motivator but that is a lie, it may look like you can get immediate results when you are motivated by fear, when in reality it digs a heal deeper into the soul and before you know it, walking in fear becomes a very natural thing.
A man can be afraid that he will not be popular or happy unless he is rich or successful enough so his fear is motivates him to excel, his fear motivates him to do better. Because he is afraid that he will not be successful, he is afraid that he will not be popular, he is afraid that he will not be rich.
Because once you gained then you will have the fear of losing what you have gained.
What is your motivation?
What is motivating you?
Who is motivating you?
The fear you tolerate will contaminate your faith. What you doubt long enough will contaminate what you believe.
What you say negative long enough will contaminate what you have said positive long enough.
If you keep believing that giving will not work it will contaminate your giving life.
To Fear is against Your will…
Fear does not have the power or the right to use it authority over any human being who has made the decision to live above fear.
Remember YOUR WILL is a decision... Fear is not a decision maker.
You don’t have to choose Fear but you can
You don’t have to choose Faith but you can
But you are going to have to make a choice
Fear is what connect you to harassement and being oppressed take away Fear from this equation there is no harassement and being oppressed.
The fear of the future can only be based on what happened in the past
Faith is based on the future
Fear is based on the Past
So forget the Good The bad The ugly Because Fear lives in the past and shows you what you use to do.
You cannot doubt if you have not considered the past
You cannot walk in un forgiveness if you don’t considered the past
You cannot walk in prejudice, envy or Jealousy, if you don’t considered the past
You cannot walk in the fear of failure if you don’t considered the past
Every fear for your present tense is going to be based on something that happened, said, saw or experience from your past.
Check out what’s going through your thoughts.You have the free will to choice and if you do choose is it the future/today and tomorrow or based of past remember Fear.
You will be well balanced as you are standing up by yourself just as a baby stands up for the first time.
Cast not away your confidence for it has a great recompence of reward, so the reward is going to be found in your confidence not in FEAR in Condemnation.
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Royster Doyster - you belong in the advice hall of fame :-) *clap*clap*clap*
last night i fell off the non-smoking wagon and had a cigarette - i quit in april - because i was having a world-class, spleen-venting whinge to a girl friend about a boy...stupid me! i will take your advice re channeling anger.
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Blueyes, I have been through what you are going through. COngrats for making the right choice. I tried rebuilding my marriage because of my child but after all the effort got to the conclusion that I just wasted precious years of my life. Keep strong and feel free to write me privately. Support helps, it helped me a lot. Cry it all, it does help too but remember that time heals, it does. Hatred is part of the grieving process. It will come and go. Good luck, things will get better.
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I think that you`l have to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is finished .It`s not just you who cut the lines of c .He finished with you when he used you as merely a support for his own needs .
If you want to continue in that sort of onesided relationship it`s up to you to be there ready to pick up the threads whenever the opportunity arises . But I think you`re wasting your time . Better to search for something else .
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New Jersey- From one Jersey Girl (Monmouth County) to the other- thank you for your support and a happy and healthy future wishes to you and your daughter.
Aijin- You need to re-read my thread... I did everything I could but it is HE who destroyed our marraige vows.
Nietszche- It was a one sided relationship for years. I gave and gave and gave him all the love and support and all i got was a brokenheart. I am in search of other things- good friends, walks on the beach with my dogs, and a new and successful career.
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Aijin- thank you for your well wishes BUT girl- you need a reality check if you think you have saved marriages. My husband told me he would tell his lover that he can't imagine a world without me (so he says) so my respone to him was- then why didn't she get off your d--k and tell you go home to your wife and work on your marriage. You are not doing any marriages any favors.
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blueyes, be strong. Life is worth more than that.
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aijin and RD - how about we get back to the original poster's thread?
blueyes wrote: "I would like some suggestions of how to get over the pain you feel when you have cut off lines of communication with someone who you still care for. Thank you in advance for your feedback." and "Now, please refrain from attacking me- for what lead to the divorce. I am seeking advice on how to fight the urge to call and connect with someone who I love. But HE doesn't love me anymore."
so enough with the dissection of events which cannot be undone. go start your own threads then if you want answers to your own questions.
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Blueyes and Tootsie, I hope you are both doing ok. Keep focussed, reading helps a lot and keeping your mind busy as well. Start a new hobby or join a class. It is never late for that. I have learned a lot about creating websites. Really cool! You can certainly find something that interests you. Buy a book and have fun learning.
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Hello Friends-
Royster Doyster-thank you for the advice and explaining things from a male perspective. Everything you say makes sense in my mind- its my heart that is broken and doesn't understand.
VOR- thanks for understanding the purpose for this thread and for your kind words. Your 'name' is true to your advice. You sound like you are a very kind, loving, and thoughtful person. Thank you for your pearls of thoughts and wisdom you share with your expat friends.
Regis27- If I remember correctly you are going through something painful in your relationship as well? How are you doing?
I am still having a hard time with regrouping my life without my husband. I miss him in my life and my family misses him too. I know he has moved on and he is happy with 'her'. I am working my finding my happiness.......
One of my friend said to me this weekend and it rings still in my ear. She said, "Blueyes- I can't wait to meet the man who will love you better than anyone ever has- because you deserve that kind of love." That's a wonderful wish for someone hear when your husband has left you for someone else. I look forward to meeting him, but until that day or year comes - it's all about me and my dogs. I am in NO RUSH to get involved with anyone anytime SOON! In fact I told my parents if I can't find a job I will become a nun----she laughed---we are jewish! (LOL!)
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Blueyes
Contrary to what Tangerine Too thinks, I've been through this before.
Glad to see that you face things ... and maintain some sense of humour.
It has been what.... 9 mths? You need to let go of the past and face a new future. Don't dwell on the "someone else"... not worth it. Both of them are nothing in your life right now.
Take care!
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go away aijin - i find it abhorrent that you would come on this thread, where posters' lives have been blighted by the actions of their partners, and claim that you have "saved" marriages by playing the role of the other woman. look - i'm sure your experience is valuable to someone, somewhere, but ELSEwhere, just not here.
Tangerine too - could you post those links here? i think they would help a lot of people who probably only read (but don't post)
blueyes - you made me laugh. perhaps your mom and aunties and assorted family friends are going into intense matchmaking mode now to find you a "nice Jewish boy"? ;-) happens to all my [insert nationality/culture here] friends when they've gotten out of a relationship. when you're ready to start dating again, let them! keep an open mind, you never know who you'll meet ;-)
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Hey still waiting to hear how Tootsie is doing these days? And the recommended sites for helping us cope through this grieving period.
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Hey, did someone say my name!
Hi blueyes and everyone, well I'm still alive, I haven't slit my wrists just yet and still reading the good advice. I had a crap weekend, yes crying again, but suprise ,suprise, I'm ok again. This yo-yo / up + down stage is tiring me out and getting on my nerves, so much so that I've made a conscious effort to find a flat, and I'm paying deposit today. These little visits from my husband are doing my head in (despite at the time I think it's a good idea), but I end up a loser as I'm the one that gets upset when he leaves (keep thinking some thing good will come to us talking things through, and but it's always the same....as he tells me there is no hope/guarantee we will get back together...think I'm clutching onto thin air). So this weekend I found a flat, will be paying deposit, and will be moving out so that he can have the place I found and furnished. You may think, why on earth am I giving him the nice flat, but to be honest there are too many memories and his stuff everywhere, that it hurts me to see things that remind me of him. I know I could have dumped all his stuff on the streets, but I'm not like that I'm still very much a softie at heart. Well lets see what this leads too, I'll either become more independant, like I used to be, or get tired of HKG and come back home to UK.
Believe me, this is one of the hardest things I've done in my life, in a different country away from family and friends, but I'm going to give it a go. I want to stop this crying phase that has been continuous since day one, and I need to focus on work, so this is my only resolution so far. My eyes become so red easily that I feel and look crap all the time, so I'm taking charge, getting some space and my own set of keys. Girl power is what I need, and a big hug from everyone!!!!
Look forward to those web sites on how to cope - need it big time!!
Blueyes - always thinking about you, I hope things are getting better bit by bit...I'm trying to hang in there and sending you positive vibes!!
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So glad you replied Tootsie! And more thrilled to hear you found a place of your own! Buy a houseplant or a candle as a housegift from me. And stay away from the husband- trust me the back and forth, holding onto hope will only HURT you not HELP you. Tootsie, please know you are a very brave woman and you did this all by yourself- you will be rewarded for all your emotional hardwork and effort.
I too, continue to send you positive thoughts. Please tootsie stay in touch with me, I hope you still have my personal email address because I am not sure how much longer I will hang onto this site. Afterall, Hong Kong was 1.5 years of my past life, not my present.
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