Posted by
mao
18 yrs ago
He will be 60 and I'm 41.We worked in the same school for 4 years and then he decided to resign and go back to UK. He has helped with my music practice for over a year. Then one day he told me he loved me the first day since he came to school. He has never been so sure about anything in his life. He will scrifice everything for me. He and his wife (worked in our school too)are both 2nd marriage and have been together for 16 years. He wrote to me every day and asked me to wait for him. He got another teaching job and said he was back to HK only for me. Then less than one month since he came back, his wife came unannonced and decided to join him in HK. In the last 2 months, he has changed his mind several times. Me and her. He didn't want to hurt her but he coundn't live without me. I was terribly in love with him now and was hurt so badly by his indecision. I went to France when his wife came just to forget everything and he text me that he would come back to me. But once I'm back to HK, he is all quiet again. What do I do ?
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The golden rule : NEVER get involved with a married guy, NEVER EVER. Try to put yourself in his wife's position. As a woman we shouldnt do that to other woman. I know you're in love with him, but its time to let him go and move on with life. Come on, there are so many single guys out there. live a little!
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I tend to look at the possible combinations
a. He loves you, he loves his wife, he will leave his wife because his love for you is stronger.
b. He loves you, he loves his wife, he will not leave his wife (they took a vow, too much paperwork involved, etc.).
c. He loves you, he doesn't love his wife, he stays with you for a lifetime.
d. He loves you, he doesn't love his wife, he stays with you until another person he loves comes along (is this a pattern for him?).
e. He doesn't actually love you, he loves his wife, he stays with his wife.
f. He doesn't actually love you, he doesn't love his wife, he'll be in Hong Kong until he decides he loves someone else (it goes back to that pattern thing).
Maybe I'm missing some combos. In four of those six combinations, he comes to HK and wants to be with you (at least for awhile). But, of those four combinations, there is only one that sets you up for a lifetime.
I have every confidence that his feelings for you are real - at least he fully believes that they are. The thing I'd fear most for you is a little nagging suspicion HE might have years from now of "Did I do the right thing?"
The fact that he's not telling his wife to stay in the UK is a big sign that there is a certain part of him that still loves her and "wants to see."
Given all of this, my advise would be telling him that you're happy to start seeing him again when he can show you legal papers that he is no longer legally bound to another woman. I think it is under those circumstances that love blossoms best.
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There are so many single guys in the world,leave him and you will find live is so wonderful.
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mao
18 yrs ago
Thanks for spending so much time for me, travelinteacher. As I don't have much experience in love. I was divorced a few months ago with my husband of 20 years (he was my first love). With this relationship, the decision is not difficult for me as i told him from the very beginning that I didn't want to hurt his wife nor see him lose so much. But in the process, the intensity of love, loss and hurt were all so strong, that I wish I could know what's the message and lesson that I should learn in order to carry on.
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Why do you want a 60 year old man? You're 41. He will very soon be an old man. I think he's deluded and you too. Things like companionship and compatability matter when we get older surely and for you to go after a 60 y.o. woman's husband? Surely not! Maybe someone will want to steal everything from you when you're 60 too?
He thinks he's getting his youth back and has a mission (read: distraction) to help you with your business... you think you're going to get security and happiness in this.. deluded! Sorry to be harsh. You're throwing away your own life as I see it for.. security.
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don't waste your time. move on. really men at 61 do have the most awful cheek.
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agree with t.g.k. - that won't be the first 60-something man i've heard of who has gone and had a second/late-life crisis. a 61 year old acquaintance just took up with a 19 year old from his office! i think it's a combination of that crisis plus no longer giving a fig what other people think.
mao - WAKE UP! he's been lying to you from day one - or rather, he's been telling you everything you want to hear in order to string you along. stop wasting time and energy imagining what he is really and truly feeling - the bottom line is that he is married, he is not leaving his wife, and he is most certainly not leaving her for you.
Actions, not words, my dear.
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Dear Mao :)
You should Leave him as he's very selfish and only LOVES HIMSELF. If he has some good in him, he should spend the rest of his life with his wife.
Take care and all the best :)
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I think the worst thing about a divorce is the underlying question, "Why didn't he/she want me?" I suspect it has been a few years since you've really felt loved and appreciated. Someone came along that looked you in the eyes and made you feel beautiful (both inside and out). I can't judge that.
Also, given those situations, I've never been able to sit down and have a logical conversation with the person who makes me so emotive. Some may try and box it into the term "rebound" but, in my experience, the relationship after the divorce brings back all the hopes and dreams that were relinquished midway through the broken marriage. Hence, having those dreams shattered a second time is equally painful.
One of my friends vowed after her divorce to not date for one full year. She said that was the best thing she ever did - it gave her perspective. That worked for me as well. It's incredibly hard at first but I found it worth it in the end.
I think all you need to say to him is that you need more time to find out who you are as a single and you have vowed not to date for x period of time. You wish him the best. Full stop.
Then go somewhere else and have a good shot of whiskey.
Good luck, girlfriend!
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mao
18 yrs ago
thanks every one for all your concern and contributions. Brought up the way as mine, I had always found it extremely embarassing and hard to share feelings with anyone. But now, I find it very liberating to have so many of you share the thoughts, lesson of my innermorst feelings with me. I have decided that 1: my love for him is so strong that it has to go beyond all limitations. I have to give him up and let him stay with his wife. But when he needs me as he has been doing all this time till now, I'll give him emotional support as a friend. I simply can't shut him out. The way i was brought up, I have to give love 200% when I fall in love (i have had many experiences yet)Because it just hurt myself more if I refuse him. Then at the same time, I'll have to live my own life. I have always been very strong, indepedent and positive That's why he was attracted to my in the 1st place. Then he said our love is one sided, as he needs me desperately and I don't need him as much. Love makes me weak and vulnerable. When that happens, he pushes me away and let me down. I'll carry on with my life being strong, warm and positive as before. No one, not even love can take those away. Let love be a small part of my life again as always.
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When you feel that you 'love' a person because he 'neeeeeds' me it's a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. love is NOT about being needy or needed.
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mao
18 yrs ago
He did say that he would never be secure with me as I'm..... He also said that I am strong and he is weak (his wife said that too when we once had a meeting together) But it's just that when you are in love, you can't help from doing whatever love demands, like giving, supporting, or being selfless.
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mao, It appears that you know what the right thing to do is. I mean that as in what is the right thing FOR YOU.
Too often in life, logic and love seem to be at odds with each other. Logic being dictated by the brain and love by the heart. Ideally, we can find a way to balance these two parts of ourselves, but all too often one takes precedent over the other to the detriment of the whole.
It is my sincere hope that you CAN find a way to retain the friendship that bonded you with man initially. It may be a very difficult undertaking. I think that although you may eventually be able to be friends, it probably won’t be right now or in the near future. I think you need to distance yourself from this man and the romantic relationship for a while.
Unfortunately, when a person becomes involved with another who is in a committed relationship, whether that means married or long term alliance, it is almost always guaranteed that someone WILL be hurt. When this man says to you "I don't want to hurt my wife, perhaps the appropriate response from you should be "Fine, I respect your desire not to cause hurt to anyone, but do you understand that in this situation that is just not possible? Someone will be hurt, you, me, your wife or all of us. I have decided that I can no longer be in a relationship that causes me such pain. As your friend, I would like for you to be happy and so I need to give you the time and space to sort out what direction you would like your life to take. If you decide to leave your wife, do not do this for me but do it because the relationship is broken beyond repair and you feel that both you and your wife will be happier apart. If you decide to stay with your wife then also decide to fix what need to be fixed so that you can be happy and at peace in that relationship. Once you have decided and taken the necessary steps go forward in your life if you still wish me to be a part of your life, either as a lover if you part from your wife or as a friend if you don’t, then contact me and we can talk about whether or not a relationship between the two of us is possible.”
There are some things that you have said in your post that set off the alarm bells for me. The primary one is that he told you his wife came to Hong Kong unexpectedly and unannounced. She is his wife for the love of god, why on earth would her coming to HK be unexpected. It was not as though he had told her about you and they had separated. I just cannot help but think that he was fully aware of her plans to join him. And the back and forth business indicates to me either 1. He is seriously confused about what he wants in which case please refer to the paragraph above. Or 2. He has no intention on ever leaving his wife and just wants you as a “side dish”.
Sorry that this is such a long post. I hope it helps even if only a little. I wish you happiness.
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mao
18 yrs ago
bits&pieces, thanks, I like your post a lot and will study more closely, esp about love, logic and the decision. Here're a bit more explanation about how she came unannounce. When he came back to HK in Sept, I have only just agreed to try with him and initially he was very keen to move in to my place(I'm single mum with a 8 yr old son). About 20 days later, on a Thurs, I agreed that he could move in. But Fri evening, 5 min before I went to meet him as we planned, she picked up the phone. Over the weekend, he texted me saying no worries and he's soring out his life for good with me. Mon morning, he rang to see me after work. But I refused calling him coward for not daring to make a phone call or any acknowledgement of me before his wife. There were many complicated issues here: him genuinely and desperately loves me and tried in a way; her a sense of power and control(in his letter he always mentions about saving her face by keeping her in UK, she said to me directly that it's it's an asian fantacy for her husband; he said that their relationsip was empty for a long time. she always wanted to own and control him and he always resisted. While they were together for 16 years, they once got married before they came to HK. On my part, it has been a painful process of dignity, scorn, sympathy, love, hurt and compassion. (sorry, am I shamelessly trying to glorify my own feelings) any way, do all love goes through the same ups and down. In my previouse text, a typing mistake is that I'm not experienced.
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mao
18 yrs ago
Sorry, just me again when I re-read your post again. "the appropriate response from me should be" ...that's exactly what I said when a last term he told his wife about us and wanted to a separtion. She insisted talking to me so we 3 had a meeting. That's what I said but concluded that I respected his decision if he chose me. In the end he felt hurt thinking my love for him was not as strong as he thought. She threathened to tell the whole school (as we all worked in the same school)then said I had to fight for what I want. Acturally she came to visit my school just today (even though she doese work here and he no longer workes here)telling everyone that she's in HK and 'strangely still with her husband'. After that meeting, i refused to communicate with him for 2 weeks while he wrote me notes and letters begging me to have some communication so that he could keep up with each day. Sorry, better stop, it's getting distastefully melodramatic. I should keep cool.
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mao
18 yrs ago
What does it mean. His wife came to HK 2 weeks ago while I fled to Paris to be with my sister. The trip's purpose is to forget everything. He texted the next day saying he would come back to me and I'm everything for him. After I came back to HK, he text and emailed me saying he needed me asked to see me. The meeting was just a friendly catch up as I avoided the topic. I told me previously that I haven't changed my love for him and wished him to make decisions out of his own best interest. But his wife came to my school'helping friend', 2 days already this week. I found that extremely harassing. There's been tremendously pressure. He has kept quiet since our last meeting. What shall i do now
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Mao, I read your story with great intersts. Life is strange but interesting, isn't it?
I am much less experienced than you in this domain but in my inexperienced eyes, you should move on with your life. At least forget all about him for some time. You may be with him again one day but for the moment, you deserve a break!
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mao
18 yrs ago
thank you, mpl. Every waking moment, I have been thinking about it. Take a break and disengage myself.
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mao
18 yrs ago
Last Sat,there was a colleaques birthday party. I went with my son and saw him with his wife there. (he no longer teach in my school, she's not working)I was totally shattered, hiding in the swimming pool choking. As soon as people start to go, I did the same with my son in tears. I felt there were making a public parade saying that they're back together again(that's part of her greeting to people in school) and I felt humiliated.
Until Sunday lunch I had been in tears and prayed in the local temple for buring it all. Then he rang to say they just split up and would come to me and there was no return. I said just come, ours is always open and even for your recovering. My son said of cause he couldn't live on the street. I had a australian family visitors that afternoon. So we went to the country together for food, wine, wandering around. My son tried very hard to cheer him up. In the evening, when I walked out my visitors to KCR and back, he said he ang her and had to go back. I begged him to stay for a while to talk, he just couldn't and left.
I was in total darkness for the next day afternoon, sending him a long letter. In his response, he explained that he was suddenly shattered by his mem of leaving his first marriage with 2 kids, now his wife. With me, in 10 years time, I'll still be young...
They're now recoverviing. His wife gave him a momantum: no more mess around. Otherwise the end. He was testing his feelings for me now.
He never admitted it. But I heard that his wife said if that's the end, she would take him to the cleaners. What's the implications ?Now thinking back, they had a house in UK which he wanted to sell but couldn’t for all sorts of reasons and now she won’t sell.
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Dearest Mao,
You are very much hurt deep within. However, you must take courage, be strong and move on with your own life. His life is in a total mess. he's playing yoyo with your feelings. Let him and his wife (they are family) to sort out their mess. You're still an outsider no matter how much you love him. He's a married man, so hands off.
Good Luck Mao and take care.
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Mao-Woman you know what you need to do! You simply cannot allow this fool to keep playing with your feelings. Like mpl, I was trying to give the guy a break and not be too judgemental. Well, after your last post I am ready to be judge, jury and executioner on his sorry butt.
He has no intention of leaving his wife and more than likely never did. You must know deep in your heart that this is true. He knows exactly what to say to you to keep you hanging on to the hope of a future with him. You need to let go of the hope of any future with him, either as lovers or as friends. He is simply not worth your attention and certainly does not deserve your friendhip. Go back and re-read your posts and ask yourself if he behavior truly reflects a loving heart.
Mao-kick this sorry excuse for a man to the curb.
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mao
18 yrs ago
Sorry, every one, purely for self healing reasons and keep my sanity. Copied the the following words from his last emails after sunday incident:
1.it was terribly terribly cruel and i feel utterly ashamed of what i did. Please find it in your huge heart and generosity to forgive me for what i did to you on Sunday.
2.But you are like a drug to me. I can't kick the habit.
3.try to keep calm. there is a greater scheme of things somewhere that perhaps we can't see at the moment. Try to stay positive.I know you don't want words any more but actions.
Just one question here: literally, what does it mean by 'greater scheme of things....'
Thanks
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Move on.
41 is young.
Don't be no. 2 or 1.5 or whatever.
Quote from MPL above:
"But you have to tell this bastard to never darken your doorstep again. I know this sounds harsh, but Mao you cannot keep getting bounced around by this kretin anymore. It's unfortunate you fell in love with him because there is a side to his charcter that I, and I suspect others, are beginning to see that maybe you are unable to. You are being strung along Mao. he has no plan. He will just "fire-fight" whenever you have an issue. But ultimately ....he is married and he has zero intention of changing that."
read it, believe it, get a haircut and some new shoes and walk steadily but surely in a direction away from him!
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He's total piece of sh!te - he's just playig a little power game with you to convince himself that at 60 he's not a doddering grandpa but some kind of stud who's still got the powah to make a woman 20yrs younger than him swoon. oh pleeeeassse do get over it and move on.
And do stop kidding yourself that this is LUUURRRV and noble and all that....
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Dearest Mao :-)
Please do listen and follow everyone's concern advise for you. Take control of your life and for the sake of your son and take the lead to leave him. Remember, you're a TEACHER and a working MOTHER. Don't let him destroy your life and reputation. You're working in a School and no parents of your students want to have a Teacher who takes another woman's hushand and disrupt another's family's life, to be teaching teaching their children. Doesn't look good at all. You have a good heart to want to help him but he's destroying your life. PLEASE GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS SITUATION!
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Pretend he is like a drug. Quit cold turkey. It will hurt and you'll vomit and lose a lot of weight, but it won't kill you.
My advice for cutting off all contact is to block emails and change/block phone numbers. This may sound harsh - especially since he is not dangerous. However, my logic is as follows...
If you block his email address(es), you won't open your email wondering whether or not he is contacting you. Assume he is not.
If you change your number or block his from your phone, you won't be constantly checking to see if he left you a message. It isn't possible.
Can you take yourself on vacation? Leave your phone at home. Book a hotel room in a place you know no one. Cry and cry and cry until you get it all out of you. Write a good-bye letter to him (that you WON'T send - it's just for your own closure). When you return to HK, look up a good counselor and vow that you will only think of him for a certain period of time each day.
The withdrawls feel like they will go on forever, but they eventually go away.
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mao
18 yrs ago
I haven't responded his emails and his last text which says that he just realized that he couldn't do this thing called life without me. I'm starting to pull myself through. Last night, I text him asking him if he'd be in my school fair today he didn't respond and showed up today with his wife. He played in the band. I just felt being cruxified again. I could be more prepared if he told me he'd be coming. But why he avoided telling me.
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Sweetie, because basically this man is a coward! At this point, I would like to see you get good and angry with the way he has been treating you and using your feelings for him as a way of keeping you on the line. He seems to be a master of saying what you want to hear. And I am quite sure that he is quite as masterful at saying those things that his wife wants to hear.
Cut him lose now and with any luck his wife will now tell him to kiss her a.. also, No more than he deserves......noone at the end of of the day.
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Hi Mao, it's good to from you again. Please take our advise. We're more concern for you than him. Stop asking WHY. Move on with your life. Take Care you deserved to be HAPPY :-)
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mao
18 yrs ago
I realised that he's useless and hope you don't mind about me sharing my thoughts about his wife as well. At our first date, i cried when i asked him did his wife know about he has feelings for me and he said yes. Then his wife asked to see me said things it's her husband's purly asian fantasy, and have you ever thought about finding your chinese son an english husband....That just changed my opinion. She's a total racical bigot.The tone and attitude she use to him was total ignelegence and disrespect, treating him like a child. "He doesn't know what he wants. He is too weak..' When she came back to HK unannounced, some of my colleagues that she talked to were shocked that she saw no wrong in her husband. she blamed everything to me. Her comment'To take him to the clearners' doesn't come from him, but from what she said to the colleques. Now she's not working and he's left the school, she still takes every chance to come in to school. He's useless, she's a control freak. I'm being used.
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mao
18 yrs ago
chinese son with an english father was what she said.
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mao
18 yrs ago
I will if there's an opportunity. But i don't care anymore. I feel like being stampted on by their public parade in the school..their obvious victorous return back to their expat world, by staff's attitudes. I have felt ostrached several times publicly. I'm feeling like an ant,publicly, socially and professionally. So there's no where else to go but up,up,and up. I decided today going back to orchestra and work extremely hard for a public performance in 8 days time. I'm back to volleyball team for match when his wife comes to school again. I'm working on one goal: nothing will hurt me anymore.
Thank you everyone ! When you share your thoughts, it's a gesture of giving me a simple message through your own tears, joy, love, hate and heartbreaks. Part of reasons that I couldn't let go this doomed relationship was I still didn't get the lesson or message. but now I think, I 'm at least getting one: by reachining out my arms, I'll embrace in more, more than what I expect at first.
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Hi there Mao.
Nice to read that you are strong again. Do move on with your life. And, never date a married man again. I am sure lots of people have told you this but lots of us have learned this lesson in a hard way. Leave them alone. Otherwise, just imagine we are in their wives' shoes.
Best wishes.
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Mao, little bit late on this reply. I am pleased that you seem stronger in the last couple of days. I am offering the following opinions for those days when you are not feeling quite so strong.
I would like you to consider this issue from a different perspective as I sense that you still have tendency to have a wee bit too much sympathy for this man.
For a bit please consider the following:
The wife states that you are only an Asian fantasy and puts the entire responsibility for the affair at your feet. On the face of it, it does sound like a totally racist remark but if you give it a little tweak, then this sounds like someone who is desperately trying to hold on to their relationship. After all, if it is just a fantasy then it doesn't really have any thing to do with the reality of their relationship. It is far easier to lay the blame at the feet of the other person than to admit to themselves that the one that they have loved, honored and cherished has let them down.
As for the comment that she will "take him to the cleaners". This sounds to me as though it is a comment from a woman who is thoroughly pissed off about their loved ones behaviors. It is a comment from a woman has been betrayed and has had enough. Will she actually follow through on this threat, maybe? Is it the right thing to do, maybe not? Is it understandable, absolutely! It is human nature to want to strike out and hurt the one who has caused us pain. Since she may feel that she is powerless to hurt him emotionally as he has hurt her she then threatens the one area he is vulnerable .... the wallet.
As for her comments that he does not know what he wants...it seems pretty clear to me that he in fact has no clue.
Now to address the issue of the disrespect...this begs the question...what came first the chicken or the egg?
Did disrespect lead him to seek solace in the arms of another woman or did the fact that he was unfaithful cause her to disrespect him??
In my opinion this is not a man who deserves anyone’s respect.
I am not trying to defend the wife's actions just to offer you some possible causes in case you find yourself softening towards this man because he is married to a witch. Remember, he picked the witch and maybe just maybe he is the reason she is a witch.
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Yes - you should get your head out of the sand.
A husband that claims that the wife landed unannounced - well actually being the wife -she has all the right do so.
What goes on between a husband and a wife - no one knows- i bet he's lying to her as he is to you.
He's such a worthless piece of sh!te. He's preying on your willingness to be codependant - you obviously like being 'needed'.
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mao
18 yrs ago
unannounced was a shocking fact as I was 5 mins from his flat as we were suppose to meet. But thanks, every one! I'm stronger, picking up bits and pieces in school which I find extremely hard at the moment. She still comes to school and I feel rejected and orstrached by the staff. He still writes to me and in the last one he was asking if there's a hope of reconcilation and consider him again. Then he said he treated me badly and maybe we've reached the end of the path. 'Are there other path to find to walk together.' I still think of him day and night and last few weeks the hurt was just so excruciating that I knew it had to end. Shall I respond and not ?
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No No No No! and again NO! As mpl said, keep your self respect. Now, print this entire thread and when ever you are tempted to contact him, reread it from top to bottom. Pay particular attention to your own postings regarding his ongoing treatment of you and keep telling your self "I deserve better". Keep telling yourself this and soon you will truly begin to believe it.
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I find it fascinating that so many women can be so supportive of a woman who knowingly begins a relationship with a married man. I thought the rules where, do not begin anything until he is divorced.
Don't get me wrong, I think Mao sounds like a sweetheart, but, if it was your husband, and your marriage on the line, if it was a relationship that you built up from scratch (as being the second marriage perhaps the first took him to the cleaners and the second sacrificed a lot in the begining), would you still be so sweet and understanding to the other woman?
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wrong place meet the wrong people at the wrong time.
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Hello Mao,..You love him so much right? Is your love strong enough to "fogive" him for everything, including to except him having a marraige? also, not feel regret unless you may be blamed of destroying other's family?
If you do, then go on because I think you'll feel more pain to leave him then keep it. However, better have clear mind about you position, a lover, not a wife; so better not to complain whenever he has to go home in New year...Do enjoy the time he spends with you, but not keep asking him to divorce (this is not a "lover" should do), everything has a role and not only in your job. If you can't do this,..then break him up.
It's already happened, falling in love with a man who finds you are the one after getting married (like what alexyang said, wrong matching). Then you have to think twice where you stand, and be happy and no regret of what you have done.
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mao
18 yrs ago
Can someone tell me how and where I can meet new guys who are single. I've been out with some divorcees twice, and there're mostly women. But we really had great chats.
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mao
18 yrs ago
Can someone tell me how and where I can meet new guys who are single. I've been out with some divorcees twice, and there're mostly women. But we really had great chats.
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I do think you are wasting your time and hurting yourself for waiting this man...
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mao
18 yrs ago
I'm now ready to go out and meet single guys, not necessarily for a date, I simply need to socialize and make friends. How long have I been single ?Very long time. I married my first boyfriend at young age, then we got divorced after 19 years together. I had been single in the last 10 years as the marriage was already empty.
Previously, I didn't have much social life apart from with colleques. That's why got me into trouble with the affair. At least, now, I've experienced everything that love has to offer and now, I've learned my lesson and I don't have not a bit of regrets. I'm ready to have a new start. Thank you, Justine, and I felt like crying that I'm a winner !
Now I want to go out and meet people, but don't know where and how
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mao
18 yrs ago
Never thought I'd come back to this thread again. Life goes on, so is our story, another chapter. A few months ago, at night, he knocked on my door and apologized for taking so long to make up his mind. His wife deleted my number off his phone so he just turned up. Then they concelled his 6oth birth day party and informed all their family and friends about their break up. They went back to UK together and back to HK. He stayed in my place for 2 weeks. She rang my home and begged him to go back. He was puzzled and in the end decided that he didn't have the confidence to be with me. He is not sure about his job after this summer. He couldn't accept the fact of depending on me financially. My son is only 8 and he is afraid of all the responsiblilites. His own children want him to go back to UK but worried that we can't go with him as my is very close to my ex in HK. He has never lived overseas, 5 years in HK is his only experience and he's afraid of losing his and his wife's people in UK. Many, many practical issues and the sense of guilt for his wife. He walked out on me again to his wife. The next day, he moved out on his own. They started counselling and the deal is that he has to give her 100% to go back or he'd lose everything. He lied about still seeing me.He told me he had to give it a try to save his marriage. In my opinion, he's just not willing to give up his past. He worked bloody hard to get what they own, helping her to raise her own 3 children, losing the custody of his own 2 children. Then he had to let it go as she said that she would take him to the cleaners. His own 2 children had never developed any intimacy with her after 16 years.
On my side, I was hurt deeply, treated very cruelly and resented strongly as I knew I lived in the shadow of his marriage. But each time, when I see him, he's already like a walking skeleton and my heart just melts. I asked him what he wanted he cried that once stage he sought it's happiness, then he realized that it's not an option for him. In me, he thought that's all he wanted in his past, his present and his future. Each time, when we part, he felt a part of him is dying.
Life is a journey and so is finding love. We all pay, lose, get lost, restart in our own way. Be true to your love, there is no rule. A few colleagues in the school took me out lately and asked me not to isolate myself and told me they cared for me and wanted me to give up on him. I have kept everything to myself. His wife has knitted a mass and strong network. On one hand, they condemn him and call him a wonmanizer and selfish bastard, on the other hand, they all want him back to his marriage. That's his world. My ending words to him is that we go on our own ways. But one day, he's alone again, I'll always look after him.
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mao
18 yrs ago
I don't live my life pretending to be a love guru. God gives each of us a unique life. We are all in this life searching our own ways to its meaning. We share our own human stories here. Please, it's not necessary to judge here. When he stayed with us, I didn't send him back to his wife. Every one in my world, my son, my helper, my ex, my friend tried our very best to accomodate his needs and loved him. Every morning, we normally left home together and I dropped him to his work. But that Monday morning, he said he wasn't feeling well for work. But when I got back home after work, he already moved all his stuff back to his wife's place and was waiting to tell me his decision. Then 3 days later, he texted me asking for forgiveness. I was not being manipulating. Right from the beginning, I said I love him so much that I have to let him go and choose his own best way.But I have not been prepared that he's coming back all the time. In his own words, physcially, he walked out on me 7 times and back again. I know you can give me all kinds of names for taking him back in. Today in church, I heard that Jesus's neighbour sinned 7 times a day and back to Jesus and he forgave him. I haven't been trying to be noble here. It brought great pain in me and had lots of lost days because of his drama. As for my personal life, I'm always lived to the full. I do triathalon, I hike, I travel, I'm still heavly involved in music. It's only falling in love has made me weak and dependant for a while. But as I'm learning to cope and becoming stronger, I just can't close my door to people, especially, someone who I know is weak and pussled.
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mao
18 yrs ago
I few times he ruined my weekend because he and his wife had arguments. I refused to see him and switched off my phone. He texted me saying I'm the one who determined the last 380 days of his life. Because of me he is in HK and on his own. He can't make sense of his life. That's why I've always been there. After hearing you guys, I realized that I was right when I told him last time that I could be his friend giving him emotional support but I had to move on and make the best of my life. You're right that I can't solve his problem. I was once his inspiration and helped him finish his collection of short stories. He used to be full of hope for our future in our liturary and music ventures. But back to reality, he has to surrender. But thank you guys, life is a celebration. I'll be myself again. I'll be good and happy for meself and my son. I'd like to share what he has learned from this whole episode next time. We two are going to bali tomorrow morning. Happy Easter holiday ! Thanks for listening to our story and sharing your thoughts.
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mao
17 yrs ago
After the holidays, he sent me a letter saying that he didn't want to waste time fixing up his marriage just because his family, friends and wife want it. But he has moved back to his wife because he couldn't afford living on his own. He wife has been working in my school since Feb and that gave me unbelievabl pressure. I decided to give her his letter to me, together with my letter to them both. In my letter, I have asked them to work their own problems, leaving me alone, behaving more discreetly as she has been quite aggressive in the school, talking to a lot of people. I decided that's the only way to stop him lying, to stop her parading again. That gave me tremendous strength. I have been able to face her and the staff in the school.
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