Should I be worried?

OK-here's the deal


My new man is still legally married to his wife, whom he has been separated for a few years. They parted amicably and she is now seeing someone else. Both live in their own places.


He is extremely close to her family members as he is not local and she is, so his social circle and hers are somewhat shared, in addition to them still spending birthdays, family get togethers, weddings and funerals together.


I'm pretty secure about my position in his life at the moment. Not suffering pangs of jealousy towards his wife, nor am I bothered by the fact that she is pretty good looking either.


The only thing that kinda botherd me was that if he and I move a step up and formally become a couple, I would have to be in the same social circle as his wife and her family one way or the other. (I can't possibly dictate who he hangs out with, and dont wish to.


Even though he was the one who initiated the separation, I do get a bit disturbed by the fact that he still says 'my wife' once in a while. Or My wife and her boyfriend. It might seem funny at first but after a while, I thought about asking him if he realises that his words signify that he is not mentally removed from being married to her.I know he feels that he owes a huge debt to her and her family and this is not wrongly placed either as they had helped him a lot in his move here.


I am not saying too much at the moment as we are not an official couple yet. I hope that if that happens, nature would take its course and he would gradually be able to 'break free' for lack of better word. I am not against exes being good friends, but the amount of time he spends with her and her family plus her bf, and possibly with me included would make it seem incestuous, or perhaps like a big orgy, dont you think?

Separated a few years. Ok. Family ties. Ok. Still calling her "My Wife". Ermm...that would irk me as well.


Could you ask him to refer to her by name when with you? I know it's force of habit and because they are not legally divorced yet, she still IS his wife. I'd mention that this is irking you a tad bit and would be mind being more aware of it.


As for the social circle thing, that is something you will have to work on. Would you want to go to a function that you knew was mostly HER family? IF you're ok with his relationship with her, he could go alone.


Things being new with you guys could mean that it's all a big change for him and he's easing into it. I'd HOPE it would change...and it should if you become serious.


It's hard to be in this situation where you might like to say NO, don't see XX or YY person but you know you can't/shouldn't. (I'm there and I hate it!) You can tell him how it all makes you feel and hopefully, he makes the right choices. How would you feel in her social circle? Has she met you?


It's new now. Give it time. But be honest about how you feel about it all.

I dont think I am being presumptous, as I have received several invites from him to attend parties, movies organised by his wife, of which he is invited.However, as I was travelling I had the convinient excuse of declining.I do know she still calls him up to chat about their pets health and wellbeing and family issues fairly often



Tia, thank you for your insight- yes he tried on his own accord to use her name only but once in a while he has forgotten and I would say that it is out of habit that he keeps saying 'my wife'. I dont want to broach this subject yet as I have not said 'yes' to us being exclusive (though we already are).


Well Electrode, I know he is not concocting a story about his marital status-he's living in a shared flat and I've met his housemates, whom also know his wife.


I think when the time comes, I'd probably do as Tia had said, tell him how it makes me feel but I wouldn't set any rules for him. The last time I came close to saying something was when he told me that he had gone for a dinner with her and her boyfriend and I made a mildly sarcastic joke that the next thing, they would smoke a joint and get all high and end up in a threesome.


If anyone has had similar experiences, please do share as well, who you handled it.


Thanks

B

When you made the joke, what did he say?


In the end, if you choose to get serious with this guy, then you will know. If he decides to make you 'the one' (as in being his only g/f), then I do think things will work out. He will probably still see them, but hopefully, it will not be that often.


IF it happens too often once you are a couple, I'd worry..but then I worry too much.


The other good point is that he is being up-front with you about it now, therefore, when the time comes, you should know where you stand and be able to talk about it honestly.


GOOD LUCK!

Well, I try to see the good and bad in everyone. Sometimes I find I see too much bad and then I go into a 'see good in everyone overdrive'.


Well, times are a changing and bells are a ringing..haha..my bells go ding dong. Perhaps his alarm bells should go off when he's thinking of me too.


Thanks for all your replies, I'll go ruminate.

What a strange situation you're in. You haven't mentioned whether your boyfriend and his wife has any kids, whether you have been previously married as well, and also if there is a big age gap between the two of you.


Sounds strange, but I think these are relevant issues. For example, if he has kids with his wife, then there is a legitamate reason why they see each other so often. If not though, it does seem strange they still see each other so often.


Also, is there a reason why they've been seperated a few years, but are still legally married? There seems to be loose ends that haven't been tied up.


Now, have you been married previously, and what is the age difference between you two? If you have been married before, I can see how perhaps he would might think you would understand his relationship with his spouse. However, if you have never been married, and perhaps also a bit younger than he is, then I might think he may not be serious about his relationship with you.


Afterall, most divorced or separated men usually go back for the "hunt" quite quickly, and usually their targets are young women whom they are not serious about, but just with for some "fun". I'm not saying that this is your relationship, but I just wanted to put that out there because it seems he is still somewhat attached to his wife, and a new serious relationship may not be what he's looking for now.


My advice would be to have fun, but don't start feeling that this could be a serious relationship. Until he gets that divorce and has "emotionally" separated from his wife, it's doubtful he's ready to do anything more than have a casual relationship.

I second the creepy and incestuous part! There is something this guy isn't telling you and if you want to persue to the next level you'd better find out more info about this guy.

Personally I think it's weird that he's on such great terms with his wife and her family unless there are kids involved.Could he be using you to make his wife jealous? Or paying her back cause she's seeing someone else?

Have they really been separated for years so why no divorce?Too many questions...

Hi- to your questions-


1) No kids


2) Age gap (I'm late 20's he is mid 30's)


3) They had known each other's families for over 10 years. Her extended family are very tight knit. I suspect that her family probably can't come to terms that they had split or are hoping agaist hope for reconciliation-he keeps getting invites to every darn occasion every other week). On the bright side, the fact that his ex and her family still include and socialize with him indicates that he is a reasonably nice guy.


4) No I dont think he's trying to make her jealous as he was the one who wanted to split up.

5) Separation- prolly going to 3rd year now.

6) Sure- he went for a hunt quite a bit and says he is tired of the game. The thing is I am/way not looking for a relationship so I asked him if he wanted to hunt some more before getting back to me. He said no. After 1 month he asked if I wanted to move in with him after his lease ends. (!!)


I do think there is a deep (too deep) attachment to his ex and her family, and the question of why the legal divorce has not happened yet. I'll bring this up only when we are..ahem "official"

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the third explanation but it's still a strange situation to be in.If you are happy to go with the flow and be cool about the wife and the extended family by all means go for it but beware it doesn't interfere with your ahem soon to be official relationship.

Really though sounds as if the family is pulling ranks to get them back together through any means and he sounds weak that he is still doing her family stuff.

How do they react towards you?How will they react towards you when you announce you are a couple?

Can you stand constantly going to functions organized by his wife and her family?He sounds like he wants to keep everyone happy and he is not really ready to move on or he wouldn't be on such good terms and he would be divorced.Maybe it's a culture thing what is the background but the wife has too much of a hold on this guy.

If you want to be a couple with him you can't allow this especialy as there are no children involved.He has to move on.Singi is a big place surely you can make another circle of friends to hang out with together.If you move in with him how will you feel if the family haunts the place and runs your social life?What about your family?I think he has too much baggage and you need to carefully think about what decisions you make.

Regarding the "why separated for years now but no divorce yet?" question - Guess Balzac just answered. If they are divorcing in Singapore, the official separation time frame is 3 years, providing both parties agree. If 1 party object, he'll have to wait for 5 years.

3 to 5 years to divorce???That's one law Singi needs to change.In China if you have no children or common property you take your marriage papers to a government building pay 29rmb they stamp cancelled and you're free.Very simple and if there is a dispute you take it to court but divorce is very easy.In Oz officially it's a year of separation.

In your case your guy sounds like he is still not that emotionally separated from the wife better ask him about the divorce issue.

Im still pretty close with my ex. I don't see a problem. He's my best friend.


Tonight we will have a dinner together. 2 days ago we have watched a concert together. My bf understands that we've broken up we just meet up somtimes that's all.


But of course i would always put my bf first..that's all.