Posted by
mnich
15 yrs ago
About 8 months ago I started seeing a guy and it got serious from the start. At the time he was looking for employment and was sofa surfing. He ended up moving in with me, and after a few months we moved together into a new flat.
During these first months, I lent him quite alot of money. Yes, I realise this was a silly thing to do but I am a generous, trusting person and if that means getting hurt, so be it!
Obviously, the relationship ended - and really badly at that with him slapping me across the face and trying to break into my apartment (I had to have the locks changed).
I'm happy to be rid of him but the debt remains. Normally, I would just leave it, but I am going back to full-time university studies this autumn and the money I lent him were ear-marked for my tuition fee. He knows this very well, and he had sworn that he will pay me back.
He started working in October and has since then only paid me $3000 of the $50000 debt. I have asked him again and again and again for a payment plan - but he's just ignored me (even before the relationship ended).
My brother is now trying to reach him, but my ex is refusing to take any calls.
Do I have ANY chance at all at getting my money back? What should I do?
Marie
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do you have anything in writing?
else only two choices:
a) forget it and learn something from it
b) use a debt collector
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In reality you have no chance of getting the money back. He has nothing to give and so you cannot send in the debt collectors, he has nothing to sell. The last time I saw a case like this the guy concerned had a drug problem.
The courts can do nothing, as he has no means of paying. The man is a parasite, he will tell you anything to get you off his back. Don't believe his promise to pay you back.
You need to put this bad experience behind you. Your only consolation is that you are not the first woman who has been used like this, and you will not be the last. You are not alone.
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Another tips for girls:
Do not spend money on your man !
Men will be proud to spend money on their women, but will never be proud to spend their women's money.
If you spend money on your man, you either make him feel embarassed/uncomfortable, or you fall into the situation like this...
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When you lent him the money, was it by cheque, cash or account transfer?
And if he hit you or tried to break into your apt, that's a matter for the cops.
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what an awful man. unless you have physical evidence like something in writing or want to haul him into court backed up by witnesses, assuming ou can even catch the guy, there's not much you can do. hope this bottom of the tank feeder doesn't ruin your faith in relationships, there are nice men out there
rainbow your advice is harsh don't you think? hardly fair to tar the rest of us with the same brush because of this lowlife.
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Didn't mean to offend most decent guy out there... when i say "If you spend money on your man, you either make him feel embarassed/uncomfortable ." this is for those decent guys. For example, i never insist to pay half of the bill when i have dinner with man(but if he suggest, its ok for me). i think most men want to treat their women nicely, when the women insist to pay half, It makes man feel uncomfortable. coz If he doesn't let the woman pay, she may feel he doesn't respect her, if he let the woman pay, its against his purpose... So... no matter from which aspect, women should not spend money on men.
Am i right, gentlemen ? :)
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you're wrong rainbow. it's exactly the opposite and women like you are the reason that some men think bad about women's behavior towards them
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agreed with cookie09.
men do appreciate woman who doesn't feel that spending money for her man is an "ultimate sin" or "breaking an ethic".
if women nowadays keep on saying about equality n so on n so forth, why there's no equality in this?
men likes to pay for his woman, but with certain consideration / limit too.
men likes women who willing to spend money for her man, but of course the woman has certain consideration / limit too :)
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I will respect those men who said to their women " Your money is yours, my money is ours "
Men and women can never be equal, they take different responsibility in the society and this is because of human nature.
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I'd chalk it up to bad experience if I were you. I suppose you could go and see a... ahem.. 'traditional' debt collector and offer him a 50% cut of the balance outstanding. If it's a legal guy, then I suppose you would have to provide contracts etc and court orders. I wouldn't recommend getting involved with Hong Kong's seamier side as it will probably lead to more trouble in future - and possibly a huge jail sentence if the guy gets chopped.
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If you know where he works, TO THERE YOURSELF AND SHAME HIM. Talk to his boss and collegues, afterall it's probably them he will rip off next.. I'm sure they'll take note.
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rainbow i wonder if you can find a man with an attitude like that. there is no equality in a relationship with you. you don't like a man for who he is just what he can give you. what exactly do you offer him that makes the "what is mine is mine, what is yours is ours" arrangement worth it?
pity any poor guy that ends up with you
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Those who understand will always understand without explaination; those who don't understand, can never understand ...
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momi
15 yrs ago
I once lent $10000 to a friend for him to pay rent when he first came to HK without a job. He never mentioned the $ even after he got a steady (and well paying) job. Later the friendship fell apart and i asked for the $. to this day I remember how difficult it was to get your $ from another person's pocket. never lend $ out and expect to get it back...
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Instead of spending effort on chasing the money back from ex, do something else which is more fruitful to your wallet.
Let it go !!!
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there is this saying : "never lend money to a friend..if u want to keep the friendship"
another good example.
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I once dated a girl that worked in the same company, but in a different department, than me. One day she asked me for some money and promised to pay back. She didn't.
I asked her about when would she pay me back, and she said that she didn't know, so I calmy told her that I would help her out further: I would go to HR and explain her situation so they could give her part of her salary in advance to pay me.
After I told her so, and within 4 hours, the money "magically" came to her and the debt was paid.
I hope this helps.
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I was reading that until the bit where you said "sofa surfing" which essentially, in the CS world, translates as the Couchsurfer that doesn't leave............
And then I read this bit: He started working in October and has since then only paid me $3000 of the $50000 debt. I have asked him again and again and again for a payment plan - but he's just ignored me (even before the relationship ended).
Ok, so I was with you up until I read the "50,000" bit.
Seriously....Jesus take the wheel, 50K???
Who goes about lending a jobless couchsurfer 50K? That better be some damn good spring bouncing technique! 50K???
My theory on loaning money: DONT
If you DO lend money, be prepared to NEVER see it again!
You only ever LEND money when you are willing to GIVE money.
Look at this experience as a VERY EXPENSIVE learning experience. Gf. you will never see this money again.
You know this.....you SO know this.
Accept it, and really, the next time you think about throwing 50K at a good lay (coz really, we hope this is what he was, coz if he wasn't, you SO got screwed, in a bad way!) then just accept the fact that this is all that you paid for.
Never fork over money unless you are willing to never see it again! You bettah lurve your best mate that you LEND money to, coz thats the only time JC will ever lend monahy to friends!
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do you have his correspondence address?
If so, lodge a claim with small claims tribunal in HK, no lawyer needed.
Then serve the writ by sending to his address/company address.
He would need to appear before the adjudicator then.
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Babes
15 yrs ago
I had a similiar problem a few years ago.
I adopted the tactics of 'staying in good terms' (via emai or phone onlyl) , and got him to transfer small amounts of money i.e. $2,000 - $3,000 at a time. (Don't expect a payment schedule or large amounts or repayment each time)
I sent the odd emails every few months or so, gave him my account no., told him I needed the money and asked him to transfer (small amounts) each time. Basically, I was the debt collector (but in a more polite way). It worked with my guy, but took a lot of patience and a period of over 3 years to get my $30,000 back. Afterwhch, I never contacted him again.
However, in the back of your mind, you should write off the debt, but just try sending the occasional emails or phonecalls to see if he'll respond.
Good Luck
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KrisL
15 yrs ago
Yes they do something similar on the mainland, where people or companies being owed money hires a bunch of retired people to sit in the office lobby of the culprit until he coughs up the money, after which the retirees will get a cut. Anybody knows if this goes on in HK as well?
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jesus, how could someone let this happen?
heard this old saying" if you want to lose a friend, lend him money".
never mix money with a relationship let alone before you know what person you are involving yourself with. especially for a female.
then it looks you did not even ask from him a receipt in paper. Unbelievable.
were i you i would just take this as a lesson, and forget about getting the money back.
thought i was naive when it comes to relationships but god.
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and no getting me wrong, i lent money to my ex and he's still staying in my old apartment. after we split for many years. But it's different scenario. we were together for like ever before we split. and i could /can afford if i do not get the money back. and he did leave me a note about the debt and when to return ( though has way passed the date for it) . common sense.
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Go to the small claims tribunal and put in a claim for the money. Takes little time and will cost you $120. You can then put your case and any evidence to the magistrate. Of course, the other party can lie, but often people find the environment intimidating and therefore harder to tell a barefaced lie to the magistrate. It may or may not result in you getting back your money but will possibly at least offer final closure one way or the other.
Good luck.
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I have a simple tactic that works with co-workers subordinates who play the guilt card.
We had a worker with a problem and came begging for a loan. He said he needed money to feed his baby. It is hard to 'bugger off I don't believe you'.
I said I would not lend him any money. I would give him money, but only once. I then gave him 100RMB. My I did not feel like and A--hole, I did not feel obliged top have to chase any debt, and he never bothered me again.
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Simplest western solution let me give you.
Start Dating a rich man now and recover from this him what you have lost to your ex.
As advised by others, learn from your mistakes. Never date a poor guy. This is generally a policy of Women from the middle east and Indian sub-continent.
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Long before I understood the full implications, my Granny told me "neither borrower nor a lender be".
I lived by this advice and passed it on to to the rest of my family. My wife ignored it and lent money to two friends "in need". Both are now much more well off than we are, but neither have paid back their debts. My wife does not want to raise the issue (it is now "her" problem, not their's).
Similarly, both my kids lent money to friends when they were students, and neither ever got their money back.
People who borrow money generally never intend to repay the loan and it then becomes the problem of the lender.
Granny was right!
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