Hi terryll, so much time has passed and I wonder if you ever visit this site anymore, your posts really struck a cord with me we are in different situations but I too am burdened with unbearable literally unbearable chinese in laws. I live in the uk, am female and married to a man originally from shanghai, again my in laws have never been intentionally unkind to me but they are absolute pests. They're not poor peasants they're middle class modern city people but the way they behave is not tolerable.
I first visited shanghai 8 years ago and we took gifts, a lot of gifts, so many gifts we were only ably to pack a couple of outfits beside the gifts in our hand luggage and 2 pairs of underwear each,it was awful lugging our heaving suitcases and hand luggage to check in and I hoped it would be a one off taking so much stuff as a first visit. 3 months later we decided to return as my husband's grandma took a turn for the worse, father in law was on the phone every day, "how much did those 1kg tins of chocolate cost?" "£5" "great bring ten" !!! "How much is this that and the other in England?" Of course everything is cheaper in England! We again ended up with no space for clothes his father just instructed us to take anything out that belonged to us when we arrived, I had a toothbrush, he then wheeled away the suitcases with all the goods he had ordered! It seemed he was more interested in his precious chocolates and stuff to hand out than anything else. my husbands grandma died shortly after we arrived and I had not much direct contact with the in laws until they arrived five years ago for my wedding. And that's where the story of how unbearable I realised they were began!!!
They arrived later than expected due a flight delay, my husband was working so I drove down to London with my father who I am not close to to pick then up, they speak 0 English and wanted to venture into London and try to catch a train instead of us collecting them, why? They were worried my mother in law would need the toilet and we wouldn't be able to understand them even though I do speak basic chinese, which I thought very odd as I didn't know she had any bladder problems, I mention this as it will later become so significant, anyway we picked them up and I asked my dad to stop three times to use the services on a journey that took around 1.5 hours at the most. We arrived home to my waiting husband and I said the journey was uneventful to my husband and that we stopped every half an hour and his mother was fine "no she wasn't, she needed the toilet when I saw her, the first thing she said to me was " I need the toilet"" he angrily snapped at me which I found very odd as she had never said anything. After they had been here just one night it suddenly struck me how annoying and destructive they were, I woke up to a loud and repeated slamming, my perfume bottles fell off my dressing table, furniture moved and I yelled down asking what was going on, my husband said that the front door was broken and wouldn't close properly or lock so they were slamming it to fix it! I rang the locksmith and he told me that someone must have repeatedly slammed the double glazing door with handle up moving the components inside the frame and no amount of slamming would fix that. That was within the first ten hours of them being there, I then went out and and came home to the TV blasting away on almost full volume and his mother stood of a chair emptying out all the cupboards in the kitchen handing the stuff to father in law, they were "seeing what they had", then came the breaking stuff every day, literally every day I would come down to something broken, everything in the kitchen "malfunctioned" the oven, the microwave, the rice cooker, the washing machine, the vacuum also malfunctioned and the second toilet blocked itself with blue roll everyday, of course the in laws never owned up to any of this, then came the decorating, at that time I earned more than my husband, I had put down all the deposit on our rented house, I paid all the rent and all the bills, I repeatedly begged his father not to dig up the garden or decorate as I would loose the £1000 deposit, he would agree not to then carry on anyway, he drilled through a water pipe "building a shoe cupboard", he would drag in old furniture off the street and filled their room with an old sofa, four TV stands, an old radio, an old chair another old plastic chair, of course this was just a "cultural difference", in china that would be highly valuable and taken away to be resold, I should let his parents do what they want as they are "old". Then there was all the mess and clutter , raw meat would be splashed over watermelon in the fridge and toilet seats would get covered in wee, I would go to have a bath to find old shaving water in the sink, pubes smeared every where and water all over the floor. Mother in laws mental problems regarding the toilet made her housebound, she would sit on our second toilet for hours and hours a day trying to "completely empty herself" getting her out of the house was an ordeal, shape would be fine and say she didn't need the toilet when we said we were approaching one on a motorway but as soon as we passed it she would scream she DID need the toilet now! We took her to London where there are toilets everywhere and we just went from toilet to toilet not even five minuets in between visits, if she said she needed the toilet husband and father in law would panic thinking her problems weren't mental even though when eating a meal or watching TV , talking to friend or shopping for clothes she would forget about her "bladder problem" often for hours if shopping!
Then there the not being able to relax at home, the slumping and belching which they never do in public or when my family was around, squaking at the top of their voices with their mouths full and yes the talking of mundane things, interrupting me mid word to ask a stupid question once in the car his dad interrupted me mid word to ask why there weren't many street lights on a country road! Another time I rang my husband to make arrangement to meet him after I finished work I couldn't hear a word he was saying because mother in law was with him and continued talking to him whilst I was in the phone to him! Eventually they went home but I didn't want them to ever return!
Then the real problems began when I had my beautiful son 5 years after that awful visit, he is such an amazing good baby, just beautiful and my whole world, but the problems began when I was around 3 moths pregnant, I knew I couldn't avoid them visiting! They wanted to arrive when I was five months pregnant! I refused! My husband now owned his own business and said he needed them, he wanted home cooked meals, and far from being destructive and messy, now we had a baby they would be looking after him, after all of us cooking and cleaning, they would have no time to break stuff of drill into walls, far from making a mess they would be cleaning up our mess, we would have easy lives, of course when his mum had him she had all the help In the world and when I had our son she would pass on the favour, I had never had a baby before and I needed their experience!! I said I wanted them to arrive in February around now when he would be four months old, they said July when was 5 months pregnant , I eventually haggled them down to a moth after he was due, with him being born two weeks late, that turned into him being three weeks old, I worked at my husbands business until I was 8.5 months pregnant which seems ridiculous now but it was hard to find a chinese speaking replacement in our area, if I ever mentioned I was tired I got, "if my mum was here, she would be doing everything so you wouldn't be tired" which is ridiculous, for one i would still be going to work and for another point his mother wouldn't be carrying around and 9lb baby plus all the other weight all day but even more ridiculous as you will later read of his mothers "help".
So they turned up, his father had promised he had stopped smoking but had lied, he had brought with him .20 cartons of fags, his mother proceeded to sit on our now only toilet several hours solid in a row. I had an awful forceps delivery which eventually required further surgery, I was told to take two baths a day but even getting in to use the toilet was near impossible, I had to drive out to the local supermarket with a 3 week old baby, if I ran a bath it would be two minuets before mother in law got worked up demanding she needed to use the toilet before going on there and straining for an hour because she didn't actually need to go! She is always viewed as this desperately ill old lady despite being in her 50s with nothing physically wrong with her, but in chinese culture where elders should be respected questioning that would be unacceptable! His dad immediately started drilling into walls within one day of being here and the mess, loudness and inconsideration immediately began. Far from helping with our son it turned out that because his mother never looked after my husband she had no experience and didn't even know how to pick up a baby! I'll never forget the first time she saw our son laying in his Moses basket, she went to pick him up, bear in mid he was only three weeks old and fast asleep, she grabbed hold of his arms, my husband and I both screamed as our son was wrenched forward and his head jolted back, he woke, a shocked expression on his face and started to cry, we immediately agreed she should never be allowed to pick up out son and could only hold him when supervised, the main reason for her visit as experienced grandma was a farce! She didn't help in other ways either, my husband was forced to take off his rose tinted spectacles and it made him angry and irritable, he went through phases, the first few weeks he said he was disappointed, they only cooked for themselves after he refused to cook their meals for them , they demanded their clothes be washed daily because they had mainly packed ciggies and only had two outfits each for a three month stay when his mother wasn't sat on the toilet she was laid in bed, she had meals and drinks ferried to her, my husband bought a TV box and chinese channels were set up using a TV box, both the TV box and TV got broken of course, he bought them an ipad each and new phones, I knew all this was an attempt to keep them occupied so they wouldn't be destructive and I wouldn't complain, I had already said any mess or destruction created by them would not be cleaned by me, I had a newborn and I wouldn't spend months getting our house back in order like after their last visit! There was no help with cleaning, his precious hardworking mother who would "be doing everything" didn't so much as dust a windowsill or wipe down a table top, the "she's old" excuse came out and I pointed out late 50s wasn't old it wasn't even retirement age and was a lot younger than some of his staff who work full time in active roles, then was the "ill" which he was to face wasn't real when he took her to meadowhall and she was so busy trying on clothes she didn't need the toilet for 4 hours and had no trouble walking around trying on clothes for hours on end, in two months she did nothing in the way of helping me, all food was bought and brought for them, all clothes washed for them, will their dirty plates washed for them, far from helping they were extra work and as mentioned chinese elders rarely do anything that costs money like eating out, they love taking stuff back to show off I found, but even trying to get them to go to restaurant a three minuet walk from my house that served proper chinese food to give me a break was out of the question as they refused to even consider spending money on something so unnecessary! My husband had to also face how greedy they were when we returned home after visiting friends on Xmas day to a list of stuff his dad wanted from the Boxing Day sales it covered 2 a4 pages it started out #1 boys outfits age 9X4 #2 girls outfits age 5 X 4 and carried on there was also diabetic chocolate X10 costing £250! And a note to ask about buying a iPhone 6 on pay as you go! Of course everything is cheaper in England and the whole arguement of them just wanting a couple of gifts for friends went flying out the window!
Luckily my husband did have to face what pests they were with me being so busy with our baba, (I even went back to work with him when he was two months old he used to sleep in his pram in the office), a lot dealing with them was left to my husband unlike last time when 95% of it fell to me because I was there more, there were times when he wouldn't want to go home and we would end up hanging round in Starbucks rather than going home to face his squaking, rude inconsiderate, lazy and greedy parents, always after something , coming in and shouting at our baby and making stupid noises! Listening to them slurping and belching constantly! They had to go home early after I needed surgery to repair my forceps wound, it got infected and I said that I couldn't have surgery with his mother in the house because I needed access to a bathroom, I would be unable to drive out to public toilets and couldn't risk another infection due to not being able to shower or bath twice a day! Of course his father left behind mess and clutter, I just went round with a bin bag and threw away any items remaining. There was no arguing that they should come back to help so I have no problems there, they were so useless and so unbelievable lazy it would be impossible to justify, they now ring my husband and nag him about going back to visit in china, he tells them it would be too hard to visit with a four month old and that they have only been away one month but as with retired chinese elders, they have no hobbies, no interests and are so tight with money their only son and now grandson is their sole interest and entertainment but we are unable to cope or deal with them at our house! If they had behaved considerately and done one thing to help, say vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom I would have had no way or arguing to keep them away, but by being their usual selves they blew it! You are very unfortunate that you need their help with your baby, your going to have one hell of a job getting away from them! A couple of hours of peace and quiet is nothing to ask for after a hard days work but to them everything that is normal in china is acceptable and you should tolerate it and if you don't you are being silly and over sensitive!