Posted by
pincushion
18 yrs ago
I've become involved with a married woman. In the beginning, she told me that she and her husband are separated (which I foolishly took to mean planning on divorce) and although they still live together, the understanding is that they are leading separate lives. Normally you would think a person should not be living with someone they're separated from. But this is HK, she's not from here, she doesn't have a lot of money, she only has some part time work. I figured the separation couldn't be concluded overnight in her case and I should give her some time. Sure enough, we've spent a lot of time together and she says she's never felt so strongly about anyone. I've come to care a great deal about her. But as the weeks passed, it seemed curious that she never mentioned having divorce plans. And more recently she seemed mindful of returning home before too late.
Finally, I told her that nothing seemed to be changing with her situation and I was beginning to wonder what my role was. She said that her husband has been having a change of heart and trying to persuade her to stay. She doesnt love him and only thinks about me. But he is going through a very hard time and she didn't want to cause him more anguish right now. I told her that I was anguished that she was still living with this guy and couldn't handle the relationship any more. Then she said that she would leave him for me - but I said that she should be leaving him because SHE wanted to herself. We've cooled it off since then, but she still calls me all the time saying that she misses me. I miss her terribly. Am I being too demanding of her? I don't think she even has the means to move out right away and she could conceivably lose her visa eventually. The only way is if she were to move in with me, which is a step I'm not sure I would be ready for. I could say that she may stay with me temporarily, but it seems a bit cold. Is there no hope at all?
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KAT8
18 yrs ago
pincushion, I think you have answered your own question with regards to "is there any hope?" You say you are not ready for her to live with you even temporarily.
Yes you miss her terribly, but do you love her?
I think you really need to have a good talk with her and see if you both want the same thing.
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you are two consenting adults, and you are both in limbo. she's not even physically separated from her husband and might never divorce him (or it could take years), and although you care for her deeply you're not quite ready to take her in lock stock and barrel.
as long as you both go in with eyes wide open, who can tell you what to do? i think your situation is sad and far from ideal, but if that's the best that both of you can do, well...i wish you whatever happiness you can bring to each other.
does she have children?
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I don't think she is still sleeping with him, but I'm not 100% confident. She had been going out with me almost every night, being intimate with me. I don't think she could go home and sleep with him after that. She says that she hardly speaks to her husband. I haven't quizzed her on all the details of her situation. They have no children.
I told her she needs to sort out her situation and that I can't see her anymore under the circumstances because I'm not convinced that she knows what she wants. But she still calls me all the time, says she misses me and has no one else to talk to. I really care about her, but I've been quite guarded with my feelings because she hasn't been totally available.
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pincushion, you're doing the right thing then. you should be with someone as available as you are. the feeling of missing her will die down over time. let her sort her life out (if she ever does). meantime, get on with your life.
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It's difficult for a relationship to grow and move forward if there is unfinished business hanging. You went ahead with the assumption that they will divorce just because she said they are separated.
She claims she doesn't love her husband anymore and thinks only about you, but won't leave him for practical or humane reasons (or maybe she wants to keep both of you...). Did she tell you the reason why they are separated in the first place?
You are not ready to ask her to move in with you yet if she decides she wants to leave her husband. Assess your true feelings first and ask her to be honest with you too. Until both of you are certain about where you want to take the relationship, a cool off period is best
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I've decided to go with the cooling off period, but I still wish she would get her act together so we might still have a chance. I'm torn between being angry with her for not being totally honest and dragging me into this mess and sympathetic towards the situation she's in. I'm not sure exactly what caused the separation in her marriage. She only says that he cheated on her and did something really bad (?!) and that she has no feelings for him anymore. The thing is that she keeps calling me to talk and I don't have the heart to ask her to stop calling. I think she might be depressed and doesn't have any real friends in town.
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..... has some valid points. Why should she leave her husband? She has no means of support and nowhere to live. She cannot be certain her husband will support her financially. And you have nothing to offer her, except a few nights on the sofa. Sometimes the devil you know is better than the one you don't.
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sorry to hear your situation pincushion....i find that very common in HK though...
personally, i think the bottom line is how the gal wishes to lead her life...with or without you appearing in her life, she should make her decision on the kind of lifestyle she wants...i can understand there are hardship and financial challenges she has to face if she were to leave her husband...but think about it yourself....if she cant face the hardship and challenges for the sake for herself, do you think she will do it for you? i am not being cynical here; however, i have seen too many women (mostly asian women) who rather stay in trouble marriage ( sometimes relatiosnhip)for the sake money/ security/ children....sad but true....
good luck~~~
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You are all right of course, but she is still on my mind all the time. I keep staring at my phone and checking my email, waiting for her to send a message, even though I told her we should cool things off. I think I'm badly burned because I went into it with an open mind about being in a serious, committed relationship. And I felt more attracted to her than any girl I've been with before. I hope she might still come through and impress me by becoming independent. But how do I keep myself from going crazy?
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I know it would be wrong to carry on with her under the circumstances. Of course I would rather have a real relationship with someone totally available, but right now there is no one else and I really care about this girl. Is it so easy to find someone who loves you, that you're compatible with and attracted to? Is it necessarily true, as chonJay says, that if she did it with me, she would do it to me? (she is verbally separated from her husband, so in her mind it wasn't cheating). I've also done some things in the past that I'm not proud of, does it mean that I should be branded unreliable for all eternity? I can only wait a while and see what she does. I've made it clear that we can't carry on the way we have. The question is, should I let her know I'm still interested in her or should I avoid her now and act aloof? I think if I let her know, then she would in fact leave him. She has such a fatalistic attitude (says her life is meaningless) that I fear she would just go on living like this, thinking she cant be happy.
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Pincushion - i know a few people did that and I personally witnessed "what goes around, comes around", believe me! good fortune will return if you stop seeing her altogether and do the right thing til she's divorced.. I am sure she's sad and vulnerable but she has good health and there is no reason she can't take up a job to support herself.. we all long for love but sometime the damages are simply not worth it. re JC... as long as her hubby has signed the sponsorship for her stay, it will last til expiry date whether she's divorced or not because this is the case I had with my ex, he got me to sign the sponsorship 1 week before he walked out on me and the immigration informed me that the sponsorship will be valid for the next 3 years regardless the divorce takes place before that... I am sure she'll be able to get a job within 3 years, no?
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Puleez rititt - any adult should be capable of supporting themselves.
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But isn't that the entire point? Pincushion wants her to love him for himself not because he can provide her with financial security.
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In your world perhaps
Call me naive but I like to think my world is different
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BumpyDog, she may love Pincushion for who he is and all that good fluffy stuff...but the plain and simple fact is that he cannot or will not give her a place to run to, not 100% and not permanently anyway - he said it himself.
i agree with rititt in terms of the practicalities of life. in the real world, love isn't enough.
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real love isn't enough I agree but as a healthy adult she does have options and surely some capability of taking care of herself. She isn't compelled to stay with a husband she doesn't love just because he pays the bills.
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that's true too BumpyDog, i have to agree with you there. i did something similar years ago (left an unhappy marriage - not for another person - and went on my own).
the point is that pincushion should either accept the situation as it is and the two of them just get whatever happiness they can out of it, or he should move on and seek someone as available as he is, and let her sort out her own life.
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No update, I'm afraid. We're both out of town. Just sending each other the occasional email. If she really proceeds with a divorce, then I'll keep seeing her. Otherwise we'll be penpals or something.
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