Am I making a mistake?

I have been in a relationship for many years with my first bf.


After almost a decade together, while we grew more comfortable with each other, we became more like friends who cared for each other dearly. I have always felt something was missing in our relationship but I ignored it and worked to overcome my 'personal struggle'. I know people say that after many years together the passion tends to wane a little. This man I am with is the most caring, loving and utterly devoted to me. I know that he would never ever cheat on me and that I could depend on him during hard times and that if we get married and have children together I would never have to worry about their wellbeing. Having said that, I find myself having more maternal instincts towards him, feeling of pity towards him, thinking that such a good and devoted man does not deserve to be left behind. There is a lot of love but no passion or chemistry for many years.


After all these years, having watched several of my friends fall in love and get married in their throes of romance, I began to feel sorry for myself, perhaps a bit cynical and bitter. Being old before my time. I am still young but I have a post menopausal relationship, with a kind man who doesn't seem to mind the lack of passion and sex. I kept holding on to the relationship, for his sake (does not deserve abandonment) and our of fear of making a big mistake. Personality-wise, we are different and in the beginning we used to rub each other the wrong way and I felt that he never really affirmed me or inspired me and that he was rather ignorant in nature. I am being honest here so please dont accuse me of being selfish or cruel. On the other hand, he seemed to think the world of me and put me on his pedestal. In our years together it was this initial hardship (disagreements) that we repeatedly overcame that I now look back and realise how far we've come. We have overcome so many obstacles and I know that love is nothing without pain and hardship.


One month ago I told him that I wanted to move out of our place as I was feeling more and more unhappy with the situation. I realised that it was a big great loop that we were in. I still felt unhappy over the same things I was unhappy with a few years back and there has been no changes to the situation. I have felt attracted to other men before and almost left because of this, but didnt in the end because of fear and because of attachment to him. I could not take it feeling like this the rest of my life. I felt that I did not want to be 70 years old and regret not taking my chances and starting my life over with someone with whom is suitable with me and with whom I was in love with. He took it as a shock, saying that he was blissfully happy with me and really thought I was happy as well. It seems that my charade of many years was so effortless in the end. I put on a smile everyday and made jokes and laughed with him everyday until it was effortless but I still felt hollow and pain inside.


It is still not over as we are staying together until the end of this month. I do have second thoughts quite often, after all it is not everyday that on throws away 10 years of hard work and yes, love. Ultimately there is/was a lot of love, just that it is not enough.


Could you please tell me your thoughts on this.


Thank you

life moves on , just carefully comunicate this to your husband, as you have in this forum and im sure you can both move apart well. Be sure that when you do and he finds another love , you are willing to accept it and not start a post here saying "Its all my fault, i should never have thrown his love away!". We are all free to do what we please in life , but do it amicably and accept the full concequences of your actions. You may both be better off , who knows.

Dear flashback, thank you for your insight. You are indeed correct. You must be very experienced and wise to be able to read between the lines. I have known him since my late teens and depended on him one way or the other (not money wise, but to take care of things, legal stuff,investments etc.) I would not say that I am a fully independent adult.


However, my feeling of discontentment is a vague one. Like a fleeting, dull pain that goes on. I sometimes cannot pinpoint the reason. Perhaps there is more than one, perhaps none and my mind is only playing, making myself unhappy. It has crossed my mind that perhaps I need a psychiatrist or join the prozac nation.


I do know that when he is away I feel liberated and happy and like a totally different person. Because I am rather attractive and friendly in person I am not short of men who want to be 'stand-ins'. This is when on a few occassions I found myself actually liking/having feelings other men, and wondering if I should take the chance. But I did not.


Recently, it happened again. So I came to a conclusion that it is not another man or an affair that I want. I should end it with him because this vicious cycle is wearing me down.


Am I missing the forest for the trees? I am so tired of thinking.

You have been together for ten years and never married?You need a change as people do grow apart as they mature growing in different directions but it sounds like this guy is your comfort zone and your security blanket.


If you throw away the teddy bear how will you get it back once you've sown your wild rice seeds?He is a loyal and devoted partner but you both need a break.


Give yourselves both a chance at happiness.

You are bored so move on and let him do it too...forget the Prozac or the affairs,if you think he's worth holding on to don't put yourself and him through this for the next ten years.


Get some counselling if you think he's still 'the one' if not just go out there and be a big girl.Don't waste your time and his in 'what could have been?'


Empower yourself and 'Shrek' is just as good,don't live in movies the real world has much more to offer.

The single and only reason I have never married is because I just don't think I can be with one person forever. Not a thing to do with sex either. Just day to day boredom hits me after a few years or even less.......it is just so interesting for me to meet couples who are still very attacted to one another for years and years. I admire them.

moonlightsonata


I am in the same situation as u for quite long as i have been with the same guy for 13 years but not yet married. But we are planning for it anyway.


At times, there are guys who went after me but i rejected them all as i felt so guilty. Afterall, this guy loves me so much.


U have to confirm what direction both of you are going towards. Is it marriage? If there are no common goals or direction, u get bored with this whole thing and eventually there is no end.


To re-ignite some passion, maybe u can do the planning of traveling overseas together, learn a new course (maybe some exotic dance) together etc lol. Take the initiative as men dont really know what we are thinking and are too lazy to plan anything.



Good luck