Next move?

This may seem trivial but here goes anyway:


I met a man who was (is?) lovely, kind, decent, funny, etc etc. He'd been single for about 7 months, having come out of a LTR himself last summer. I hadn't been in a relationship for a very long time myself, because I was so badly hurt the last time around.


I was wary, so in the beginning kept my distance beyond being friendly and maybe a bit of flirting. We only started "seeing" each other about 5 months ago and recently admitted to having deep feelings for each other.


Then last week, we went out with some friends. Later in the evening, some wanted to go to another club, but I wanted to stay and chat with my friend and finish our drinks, so I said I'd join the others at the club later.


When I got there, it was like an episode of Desperate Housewives, except I was in it. He was basically making out with a girl I had thought was my friend. She knew we were together, and had even spent a lot of time earlier in the evening telling me she could see how much he adores me.


So I watched for a while, partially because I was in shock and couldn't move, but mostly because I wanted to be sure I was actually seeing what I thought I was seeing.


Then I very calmly walked over to their table, picked up his beer and poured it over him. Then I picked up her drink, and poured that over him as well. And then I turned around and walked out.


He has since SMS'd and emailed me to apologise. I know him well enough to know he was very, very drunk that night, that this was totally out of character for him (he is not a player, all our mutual friends testify to that) and what happened was an aberration.


What do I do now? I still have very strong feelings for him, despite what happened, and I also believe this is something which can be fixed.

Yes, we discussed commitment, but because we were both badly burned in previous relationships, we decided to take it "one day at a time".

you are right when you say that being drunk is not an excuse but it is a reason and that always needs to be taken into account.

If you are just taking it one day at a time anyway give the dude a chance and just carry on the way you are.

Get rid of your friend, she is the problem here.

Don't worry, I have no intention of ever speaking to her again.

It will take a lot of time and energy on your part to erase that scene in your head, and quite understandable if there will be issues of trust in your relationship.



However, if you want to give him another chance, apologies are not enough to rebuild what you have. If he is ready to "grovel like a dog" (as what Apostle says he should), ready to accept his responsibility, sincerely and consistenly show and make you feel that he is sorry...think about it. Don't wait too long though. If there is no effort in the next couple of days, move on.


Regarding this so-called "friend", she would have deserved a glass of drink on her head too..

I'm sorry that happened to you ianthe.

I would find it very difficult to accept this. Is he going to do this everytime he gets drunk? I will have a lot of trust issues here. You said you have no intention of ever speaking to your 'friend' again but you are willing to accept this guy back with open arms?? Your 'friend' is definitely not a real friend but HE is supposed to be a lot more than just a friend, so why is he doing this to you? I may be a bit harsh but this is what I think.

It's a fair comment, Gum, and nothing I haven't already thought myself.


But I have been thinking about the nature of forgiveness and trust a lot over the last few days, and this morning, I thought about the parents of one of the Braemar Hill murder victims.

(http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=1141902004)


I thought: Maggie & Hugh could find it in their hearts to forgive the killers of their only son. That is monumental. It is phenomenal. It is almost beyond my ability to comprehend.


If they can do that, should I not be able to forgive both my b/f (and the girl)? Yes, there will be issues of trust, but at the end of the day, this is such a minor, insignificant glitch in the greater scheme of life, is it not?

I will probably forgive both of them, no problem. But would I want him to stay on as my boyfriend and maybe a bit more later in life? I suppose you will have to make a good 'guess' of whether he will do it again the next time he's had a few drinks.


He knew you'd walk in to the bar, I wonder why he took that risk. Anyone?


Again.. I'm being really harsh. I suppose if I were married to him, I'd try a lot harder to forgive and forget and try to make it all good again.

You are not being harsh. The truth is almost always painful to hear, Gum. I appreciate your honesty.

I am not intending to aggrandise my situation, or compare it in any way to the tragedy of losing a child.


I was just trying to give myself some perspective. There are far worse things out there than a thicko b/f snogging some silly girl.

Thanks Apostle. I'm just trying to work through all that has happened. I haven't come to any conclusion yet on what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to move forward.


Yes, I am still incredibly hurt by what happened, but I guess it is easier for me to forget that fact because downplaying it is more palatable to my psyche (as you put it).


Thanks again.