Why is this so hard..?

My husband was married once before and they both ended up unfaithful to each other. One day she came home wanting a divorce and pregnant from the affair. Since her affair was with another married man she had no choice but to raise this child alone. But my kind husband forgave her and wanted to raise this child with her.....but she didn't want to.


My husband and I were friends for over 10 years before we were married. So I knew his ex wife, their situation and problems. I became pregnant shortly after we dated and when I found out there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to keep the baby. But he didn't think he was ready.....but why was he ready to care for his ex wife's baby that was not even his and not be ready for one that is his????....was it because he loved her more???did he feel sorry for her and what about me?


Although I grew up in NY I still came from a strict Chinese family. I had to be marry to have baby so we did. Then I moved into his home where he lives with his mother, sister and aunt. It was very uncomfortable I didn't know his family well and I was living in some else's home. His mother and I weren't your usual mother in law get along with daughter in law's relationship. His mother and I are totally opposite from each other. We think, do and act very differently.


Everyday after we married I think about leaving him because he is insensitive, not supportive, inconsiderate and definitely not a communicator. Numerous of times have I tried communicating with him and it ALWAYS end up no where.....I could be crying and feeling at my lowest and he wouldn't even come to me and asked me why.


We have a beautiful boy who is 2 and I'm expecting our 2nd in December. And it is because of my son that I haven't left him. My son loves spending time with him but he is always watching tv or on the computer. I'm a stay home mom and I cook, clean and care for our son but he doesn't think I do enough.


Am I blinded from this .....It's obvious that I need someone to be there for me and my children. Someone who can be supportive, caring and considerate. But why I'm still in this relationship...is it because I'm afraid my children will grown up without a dad ......I don't know what my questions is and I don't know what expect from this.....I just feel confused, frustrated and I guess the hormones are just flying everywhere. I just need to get it out of my system and maybe get some suggestion if you can.


We moved to HK for a couple of months and I really haven't anyone to talk to....Thanks for reading my problem....

I see another scenario and it is a sad one with no happy end.


Your husband was coming out of a divorce. Usually after a divorce people need to go through a number of 'healing' relationships to rebuild a stable emotional life. Then after a while we meet a new life partner.


It may be that you were his first relationship after the divorce, he was not planning on marriage. Possible he knew it would not last. But then you got pregnant, and he said he was not ready. Not being ready was perhaps not about the child, but about not being ready to commit to you. But he felt forced to marry you.


His mother may also feel that you are not the 'right' person for her son, and that he had to marry you.


If this is the case, there will some resentment felt by both your husband and his mother. It may be that your husband never really loved you that much, but did the 'honourable thing', and is sticking around because of the child.


If he feels he was forced to marry you this can be a burden on any attempt to build the relationship. However, these things can be worked through. If you are both willing to try to put any negative feelings about the marriage behind you.

You do need to change what you are doing, and you would benefit from some marriage counselling. Initially you can go on your own to marriage counselling, this will at least help you get some solid advice from people with experience and no axe to grid.


You should definatley not look for too much advice here. As some of the posters are well meaning amateurs (like me), others are less well meaning, and others are just plain angry.

Thank you all for responding ......


iwilltry....when we started dating things were so different. In the beginning I was convince he wanted a new life. He was serious about everything.....but that how everyone is when u just start out a new relationship. I really thought he could change but now being together for 3 years I don't hope for anything anymore.


He was involved with someone else while married to his first wife. We didn't get together until later on.


We tried marriage counseling in NY. We only got to go twice since we had to move here. Now I'm seeking for some counseling here in HK.


I do agreed that due to his previous relationship he is not fully heal. And he is afraid of getting hurt.


If we can talk and he share his thought then I can have a better understading of what he is thinking. And that is our problem how can I get though him...?

iwilltry...thanks for your advice I'm going to talk to him and we'll see how that goes....

Hi Bluewu,


I dunno what to tell you but it just hurt seeing someone feeling confuse and sad. I might not be right to advice you on anything cos I'm not married and currently recovering from a broken relationship...


Lots of people in this forum are helping me to get through my minor problem, and I know that they are here to help and share with you as well. So I sincerely hope that you will be better in times to come...


In life, we meet obstacle, but behind every obstacle there is always a better path waiting for us. Hold on to it... I belief God will always be there to help you.


Take care :)