Posted by
Wasabigirl
16 yrs ago
My current bf and I have been together for around 5 years! We met in London and then came back to Hong Kong to work. We have been in HK for a few years and we live together. However, recently I have started to think about marriage and whether he is the one! He has talked about getting married and purchasing property etc...but we haven't made any concrete moves yet.
About 6 months ago, I was out drinking with friends and I met a younger guy. Nothing happened at first until I found out through one of the girls that he was looking for me after that night, but he did not realise that the phone number I gave him was really my number as my voice message was in Japanese. So he had called up everyone to find out who I was. Finally, he found me and since then we have been seeing each other. Although, its just like once in a few weeks as his schedule is really busy! I know everyone tells me to stick with my bf, and if I was to do the right thing I guess yes! But Something inside tells me that there is something with this guy. It's like something I never had with my bf. Recently, the younger guy asked me to move in with him...but I really don't know if I should. I am older than him and I am scared if it doesn't work out then I have nothing left...I am not sure if I should take the risk or spend the rest of my life with someone who cares for me a lot, but maybe I don't have the same feelings as him?
I am really confused as to what to do....I feel really bad for seeing someone behind my bf's back and I want to resolve this problem asap!
Please advise me as to what to do!
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well, u know what the young no matter men or women always
impressive and magnetic like me but the fact is also that "old is gold"
(i am based in hong kong)
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You're not ready fpr anytjomg yet. The only thing you have now is trying to satisfy your instincts. Infatuation, impulse, excitement, etc of the same sort. My advise, go on with what you instaneously feel and learn from it. The way i see you, you're just explorin but not ready for anything at all. . . . so go, explore and learn the joy and pain. From there you'll know where and to go . . . . win some, loss some, if not all. Then step back and move on . .
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Hi.
I'm going to have to go with becastro on this one. It's apparent that you're not ready to commit, or you wouldn't be playing around with two guys at the same time.
I should warn you though.. I don't know how old you are, but you had better be very attractive or your odds of finding a partner will only decrease as time passes. If you want to play around and you have a few years to waste, please, do so, instead of regretting it later. But if you're already getting up in the years, I'd say be careful because there's no turning back.
I have a philosophy in life: never settle. Sure things with the 5-year London guy sound 'good' and 'great' and all those 'nice' things.. but if you aren't completely satisfied with him, then move on and stop wasting his and your time.
If the young guy is just the 'last hurrah' before you settle down, then it's already played out to the end. Say your goodbye and settle in with the 5-year guy for the long run.
If neither are it, well. Enjoy yourself.
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Hi Wasabigirl,
If I were you, things had been great for the past 5 year and as you said your bf cares about you a lot, I wouldn't bother to meet the new guy if I love my bf. I was wondering why are you thinking about marriage while you're doing something totally contradicts this situation? You might find it exciting and the curiosity to know about the guy you just met, at the same time you might feel flattered by the attention. But I'm sure it'll get old someday. And I was wondering why did that new guy asked you to move in with him if you just knew him and does that means he doesn't know that you have a stable boyfriend?
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Thank you everyone for the comments, they have been helpful to me!
I am 28 years old, my bf of 5 years is 29 and the younger guy is 25 years old!
In response to Hello Kitty00's question. The younger guy knows that I have a stable bf for 5 years. Of course he wants me to let go of him...
As for the marriage situation, I didn't want to consider marriage yet, but my parents put a lot of pressure on me to do so. The reason for why I even considered meeting the new guy is because my bf drinks very heavily, I don't want to use the term alcoholic but he does drink a lot! I tried to make him drink less and its really difficult as I can not follow him around or check on that constantly. I have even gone to the extent of getting him see a counsellor about it. But apart from the drinking he is really good to me. Is it real love? I don't know... I heard that its better to choose someone who cares and loves u a lot, more than choose someone who u love more.
In response to Loyd Grossman's message, the reason why the younger guy has a really busy schedule is because he is in the SDU team. As for my current bf, he has a normal 9 -5 Monday to Friday job. In terms of sex, the younger guy is much better but that is expected as he is physically very fit.
But thankyou Elsdon for your comments, maybe it is a last hurrah before settling down!
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Thankyou Loyd Grossman! Yes, the SDU is the same as SWAT in other countries. I totally understand what u mean by him being young, fit and in the squad! Everyone told me it won't work in the long term although I thought it could.
Actually, having read all your comments, its starting to occur to me that this young guy is not that great for me. No wonder he asked to borrow some money for paying rent....maybe I should ask him to give it back and then say farewell? Any ideas guys?
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Hahah the moment a guy asks you to borrow money to pay THEIR OWN rent is a pretty big indicator that they're *NOT* a winner. I think any man should at the very least be self-sufficient, and it's sort of embarrassing that such a tough manly man like him has to ask you to borrow money because he can't take care of himself.
You really have to look at the total package you are committing to. Younger guy seems like a loser to me, but might be a good f*ck. Older guy might not be as good in the sack but he's obviously a pretty good match in other areas or you guys wouldn't have been in your relationship for 5 years. Unless, you've been too lazy and complacent.
I'm curious how you're managing to cheat though if you guys live together here in HK. He doesn't wonder/ask where you are? I mean, the reason I ask is because if he doesn't care/know where you are then when you are meeting with the young SWAT guy then that leads to a larger issue. He may not care, may not be man enough to confront you or may even be cheating himself.
Regardless, unless you've managed to be super sneaky and lie to him and hide it well, your old bf has some issues. The more and more I hear about your story, the more and more I think that neither guy is right for you.
I'd say you need to get your money back from the SWAT guy for sure and ride that out to the end. Don't invest anymore emotion or money into that, and just enjoy the sex. One of you will inevitably get bored and that'll be the end of it. You're kind of a late bloomer at 28 and only playing around now, but you still have a year or two of play time until you begin to carry the stigma of being 'damaged goods'.
Old bf is a bit more complicated since your lives are probably a bit more intertwined, but I think you need to look at that situation carefully and make a decision. In spite of how much work/effort it will take to end it, it's necessary. It sounds to me like it was over some time ago though. In reality, a romantic relationship needs sexual chemistry in addition to all the usual cliche traits (intellectual compatibility, emotional connection, etc.) to be truly healthy. A lot of couples these days are more like 'best friends' and that works for some people, but I believe that it's more of a relationship of convenience than anything else. You're no longer attracted to him, and I think you've fallen into the the latter category now. Are you willing to settle and compromise what you want from your life and love?
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awero
16 yrs ago
Be careful girl, both these guys have problems. No guy should borrow money from his gf. Be very careful with a guy who drinks heavy, this could be alcoholism and trust me, you don't want to be with an alcoholic, it will ruin your life. Move away from both of them. You can do better.
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I second awero's comments.
You are doubting your love for your long term bf. The fact that you slept with the second guy proves that. Also alcoholism is a big problem as well.
I would be cautious about guy no. 2 also. I thought they get to live in police headquarters for minimal rent?
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Thanks again to all the responses!
In response to Lyod's comment, he is in the SDU team as I have met his colleagues at one of their colleagues funeral recently. He does not live at any headquarters because not everyone can get that, especially if not married! He rents a flat with his 2 dogs.
In response to dadda, I am not Japanese although a lot of people think I am!
Many thanks to Elsdon once again, my bf knows that the younger guy is up to something and he does often call to check where I am. So I think he does care, in fact a lot. But whether I really love him is another thing?
I know that MR SWAT should not be asking me for money, he told me that he had fiancial problems and he needed some help. So I helped him. I know it sucks that a man has to ask me for money and he feels really bad to have to ask me too. I know its not an excuse and yes, probably loser is the right word...
I told him I wanna meet on on Friday, I will ask him for my money back and then end it with him.
As for alcohol.....I even wanna reach for the bottle having read all these comments! Perhaps, both are not for choosing!
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hahah. Well, I mean I'm sure we're blowing his 'financial issues' out of proportion.. A few grand probably, nothing crazy I imagine.. Regardless, it's the principle that is sort of amusing.
I don't think it's fair to label your bf as being an 'alcoholic' though. I mean, I'm not sure if you've had experience with real alcoholics, and sure alcoholism comes in different degrees.. But generally they wouldn't be able to hold a 9-5 job, and especially not one that requires functioning on a remotely intellectual level.
He probably just likes to drink. I mean, unless he starts abusing you (physically/mentally) or is endangering his own health (Alcohol poisoning etc..) I don't think it's a problem. When alcohol begins to hinder his life/your life, then it becomes a problem.. But, I like to drink, I mean, I'll have alcohol everyday whether it be a bottle of two (or four) of wine, a couple of pints (read: like 8? ^.^) or whatever.. It all depends on psyche and mindset he's in, I think.
Anyway, good luck on Friday. My only remaining concern would be you not being able to go through with it, whether it be out of fear of vengeance/confrontation/whatever.. But, you seem to have some resolve and conviction, more importantly, a spine. Should go fine.
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His fiancial problems are caused by crazy spending on his car and parts to it. He estimated wrongly and ended up with not enough to cover the rent in full. I know it sucks that there are so many problems with the police force recently in the news. I guess hes just another part of that!
As for my bf who likes drinking Elsdon, I wouldn't classify him as an "Alcholic", I would say that he enjoys drinking which is perfectly ok with me. But when he drinks a lot he often says a lot of things, or does stupid things that he would never do if he had not drunk anything. I don't mind every now and then, but as a regular thing, its pretty tough to deal with.
I spoke to him yesterday and he asked me "if I have ever wondered why he drinks a lot?" I replied, I don't know! He told me sometimes he wants to talk about things at work and stuff but he feels he can't talk to me so he resorts to drinking. It really sucks as I would listen and I even told him so.
As for Friday, it might not happen as he called me last night and I laid down some of the issues already. He kept saying sorry and begged me for a second chance. I stood very hard and refused to give him another chance. Then he told me he will prove it that he loves me only and that I should believe him. I told him I was busy and cut off the call. I guess its over then...............
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Loyd Grossman - he asked for 15k!
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Well I was going to allude to that.. but any man that uses alcohol as a crutch is weak in the first place. I wondered how long he had been drinking for, whether he was doing it as a way to escape/cope with your cheating/infidelity.. or whether he had been drinking this much all along.
I mean, I drink because I enjoy drinking. I have no issues with confrontation, or talking about what I think or feel about something.. But for him it sounds like he does. I find that being Chinese (I am Chinese as well) we're sort of raised not to be able to talk/deal with emotions and the sort.. I was born and raised in Canada though, so maybe that is a major factor, but I look at my parents generation and all the issues they have talking/communicating.. It's not really a situation where you can lay fault or blame anything, it's just the way it is.
I mean, a good example of this is.. When I go drinking with my 'uncles', when the night begins it's pretty quiet and everyone is composed, sitting in their seats just chatting about work and stuff.. Once midnight hits and everyone is drunk, it's like a circus. There's dancing, there's hugging, there's people telling each other they love each other, I mean it's great.
It's their only outlet really, and part of me understands the flash flood of emotions but I think regular communication would alleviate a lot of their emotions and issues. You might have to take the initiative to get him to talk about more stuff, even if it's like torture, you have to start somewhere.. you'll probably find his drinking to excess will reduce in frequency.
$15K haha. That's a pretty expensive rent for a single bachelor SWAT dude isn't it? =) Price tag sounds closer to a sound system for a car than his rent. You didn't even get your money back before you dumped him!? Man. Hey I guess you're free on Friday now, so you bring me a $15K 'loan' and I'll sell you my body?
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holy crap, 15k?!?!?!?! wasabigirl you are mighty generous! do you have some cash that you could spare us? kidding aside, i think it's great that you dumped him, it was pretty obvious that he was only after your money. as for the boyfriend, maybe you could both do with some time together in bali or somewhere exotic...you know work things out and stuff....if you're free friday i'll join eldson and meet up with you *just* for drinks!!!
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Actually, I orginally lent him 15 k In total for rent and computer stuff or whatever crap he said. He has given 10 k back to me last week, but still have 5k left. I know the phone call kind of ended it, but I still want to get the 5k back. I mean its my money in the end, and I think since we have no connection left I should get it back right?
Thankyou again Loyd, I can totally understand your point about "marginally" being better! And yes, I told him on the phone last night that he couldn't even spell the word "respect" even if I have him 15k for it!
As for Elsdon and Smcm77, I am totally up for drinks on Friday! As long as your are both not alcoholic or in the Police force of any kind and u don't wanna ask me for money!
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Love that comment Loyd! If I have the chance, I will tell him that! Thanks!
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How old are your daughters anyway Loyd? I mean, I'm a peaceful non-abusive alcoholic civil servant that does NOT ask women for money.
Wasabigirl, you can feel free to send me a picture and your measurements and we'll see if I can make time on Friday for you.
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wasabigirl i am totally not an alcoholic or a member of the police force! will send you PM- im serious about meeting up for drinks- think we should invite miss venezuela too!!!!!
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Elsdon...not sure why you need measurements as well as a picture.....heart broken now!
smcm77 what is send you PM? Ok, drinks are on....lets see who joins? Where ? How to contact you?
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wasabigirl, PM stands for private message, hahahaha.... is not something dodgy...sent you one earlier but dunno if you received it! will try and send you another one! credit crunch drinks, anyone?!
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Wasabigirl.. =[ I'm a very shallow person.. I've always figured that being upfront and honest is always the best.
Anyway, looks like you two have a hot date on Friday since I doubt Loyd can get a visa from his wife/children to come meet up.
Cheers.
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Thanks smcm77 - I got the message and I sent a reply too!
Elsdon, I appreciate honesty so thankyou for your comments!
Waiting on Loyd's reply...
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this conversation touched me for several reasons. a girl is brave enough to put herself compeletly out there, and people didn't just judge but really provide friendly advice.
the rent 'loan' part reminds me of my own experience. only that in my case my eyes didn't get open until it got very bad. i would not say that i was being generous, i prefer admit i was stupid or naive.
elsdon said wasabigirl is kinda of a late bloome, i don't know what word will be right for my situation. first sex at age of 29... and the only relationship so far was with that one who 'borrowed' and never returned his 'loan'.
i sound like a looser i know, :) but i refuse to take it this way. people may be gifted in different areas. i was not gited to see people cearly. but i have other talents. all we need to do is to use our talents to the fullest.
P.S. Weather is getting really nice, guys. Another Spring is here! be happy.
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I really feel for what you said nanintianjin about not being generous, when you think you totally love that person you kind of feel that you would do anything to make them happy.
By the way, I don't think you are a loser...everyone has made mistakes when choosing love.
Funny enough, Mr SWAT called me yesterday a few times. I did not pick up at first, but after a few calls I did pick up and asked him if he was calling about the rest of the money. He told me he wanted to talk about things etc...again begging me to give him another chance etc...he also told me that he was scared to love me at first because he thought we were so different. He said he felt crap that I came from a much more educated background, my family were better off, I earned more salary than him, my friends were all degree, master holders when he was simply a form 5 graduate that could hardly utter an English word. He said he felt bad as a man to have to ask me to borrow money because of his crazed spending. He wanted to make it up to me but he requested time for that to happen. He also told me something which I have heard from past ex bf's...something along the lines of, "because of you, I have begun to push myself to work harder, I want to be level with you, you make me a better person...."
Of course, I didn't take in all the bs talk....but for half a second I almost fell for it.
Please assure me people that I am doing the right thing (by putting the phone down) By the way, not sure if I mentioned here before, my bf has officially moved out and we are having sometime apart to think things through! Thankyou for any advice!
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Loyd and I are on the same page regarding the SWAT guy.. I mean, he can cry all he wants but that won't change the situation.
Now, it's not that I don't think people from two different walks in life can be a good couple, I just think it complicates the situation by adding another major issue to the relationship. The fact that he has feels inferior to you due to your education/family is not only normal, but realistically, it's the truth. Again, I should stipulate that education does not always equate to wisdom or knowledge, but in the general case. You will inevitably require more than just a good time in bed (ie. conversation, hobbies/interests, passions..) and I'm not so sure he could provide that for you. He seems of weak character, to be honest, and I'm sure he has a lot of good traits but these are some glaring character flaws. So to answer your question, you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from him. He's not right for you.
Regarding respect for civil servants, I mean, in North America there's a bit of a stereotype surrounding that.. All the bullies/grunts/'cool' kids that never made it past high school become your future law enforcement/soldiers/etc. because they have no other avenue in their lives. I mean, I've never seen a study or anything factual regarding that, just from my experience as a naive scientist. Interestingly enough, I think having a uni degree is bs as well. What it does signify though is a certain level of family support and style of nurture.
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i agree with miss venezuela, SWAT guy is a bit of a cry baby. you did the right thing by putting the phone down, wasabigirl. next time he calls, ask for the remaining amount of money he owes you THEN tell him that you MIGHT talk to him. like loyd said, if he has to sell his car then so be it. im suspecting that the reason why he said that he held back and felt inferior blah blah blah is because he's trying to get out of not paying you the remaining amount of money he owes you, so just be careful. he'll probably sweet talk his way out of it, you know, tell you what he thinks you want to hear...
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Once again thankyou for all the replies and advice! I just had a weak moment there ..almost...
Whether Mr SWAT is really sweet talking his way out of paying back..only he knows! I just know I can not let him get away with it easily!
I also agree with you about education not being everything. Come to think of it, I don't even remember how I got my degree back in London. And I totally agree with the fact that it is real tough to get into PTU and complete the training and selection. Actually, its kinda of weird as I never looked at him in that way. Like I never compared our families, education and background. Maybe its a guys thing? Is it really bad when a girl earns more than a guy?
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Hrm.. It might be because you never really took your relationship with SWAT guy seriously.. most 'flings' and 'affairs' or relationships that start as cheating, you don't really look at that stuff.. you're too busy being swept up with the romance of it all.
A lot of girls compare families, education and background.. In general I think, it's all humans, whether we like it or not.. Any guy that you can see yourself being with seriously, you'd end up doing the 'compatibility' comparison eventually.. I think it's good to do so anyway.
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Furor
16 yrs ago
This may sound like a stereotype comment, I have a lot of friends that are in the HK police force, 9/10 of them are heavy spenders (heavy in a sense that they make 25k/month and they are probably spend 30k/month, I guess from a psychological perspective, we are all children at heart and we love our toys, be it shopping for cars, cloths, technology gadgets, or whatever, being a civil servant, they don't have problems getting credit, their credit can be 9/10 (10 being worst), non civil servant workers with credit rating of 9 wont get credit or even loans, well maybe thru a loan shark, civil servants don't have that problem as creditors know where to look and knows they have no where to go, simply put, if they dont work in the police force, where are they going to work? as a security guard?
Anyways, I say dump em both and go find a white collar guy.
& I aggree with what elsdon said, bullies usually end up working in the police force/military while the guy with an MBA is just a bully with a masters and knows how to play psychological games.
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with whom u r more relaxed?more like a friend?more to talk with?old guy not nessasary great, younger is not too bad either. trust yourself!
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It's really weird that so many of you say that you have friends in the Police Force and that so many of the comments are negative! So what my mum said was true...
I guess I am more at ease with my bf since we had been together for 5 years. Trust myself...maybe I should..but sometimes not even I know what that is.
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My view is that you're not ready to settle down with anybody yet as you are showing signs of gross immaturity.
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THANKYOU Donut waver! I admit I have been immature perhaps, and now I am moving on....my bf moved out...and although Mr Swat still calls..I have still not picked up!
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kel80
16 yrs ago
Good for you Wasabigirl.
You seem like a good and decent person. After all you are only human!
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Dam...I got many calls from both my exbf and Mr Swat today...I am thinking to change my number...but I still need contact with other people as I have used this number for a number of years.
My ex bf waited at the station for me as I came home tonight. Kind of moved me a bit as he would never wait for me before...
Then the phone call from Mr Swat, I finally picked up and asked him what he needed. He just told me he was worried something happened to me and that he really missed me. I then told him I was busy, so I cut him off!
I never thought that this would continue even up to now....seems like the orginal question is still there....just hope I can hang onto being single still..
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Welcome back.
I don't think changing your number is a good solution, if you really want to end this with the two guys, you need to be adamant about it and do it with conviction. It seems that you aren't being clear enough as these two guys are being strung along by you, so you must of given them some hope or something like that..
The longer you allow them contact, the more hope they'll have. Be sure not to let this get to your head, I mean, I know it's nice to be chased, but it's selfish and indulgent. If you are set on ending the relationships, you need to decide once and for all and stick to it.. sitting on the fence is wasting their time and more importantly, yours.
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MJ1
16 yrs ago
Don't waste anymore time trying to explain anything, they are not worth it and guys can be very stubborn. Just change your number and move on. Sure there will be some incovenience with telling friends of your new number, but this way, both guys will get the message pretty quick.
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Thankyou for everyone's comment to my question! I am really touched that so many people that I don't even know actually read my comments and help gave me advice.
Hopefully it will be a new start for me as my phone number will be cut as from tomorrow. Might have to think about moving too.....
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